Tonight: Toasters and Bathtubs - Perfect Together?

Your love is like  a vat of expired stewed prunes

I have no idea why this came to mind, perhaps in a nightmare, but as a musical comedian, I played a lot of places, from wild to frightening. Mostly frightening. One night we were in a questionable area, near the famous Tower Theater. We took our gear down a few steps and thought nothing of it. The place turned out to be really large, like a huge almost underground bar. 

I saw an uninspiring (to be polite), overweight, scantily-clad lady walk by, and said to my cohorts, "Oh here come the strippers." Moments later, she was (sort-of) writing around a pole we never saw, behind the bar. Oh shit - I was right. Strippers. Overweight strippers. Scantily-clad overweight strippers. Oh my. It is said that there is no bad pizza or sex. There are, however, bad strippers. The phrase "Any stripper is a good stripper" never left anyone's mouth, along with "Sbarro - now that's real pizza."

This was our first encounter with strippers. If you asked me before I left for the gig, I'd tell you it would be the coolest gig ever.... strippers! Unfortunately (or fortunately), I had never spent a lot of time among strippers, so I had a certain image in mind. An image that was torpedoed by real-life images... images that I will never get out of my head. Images that will forever leap out whenever anybody says 'strippers,' even if we're talking really hot strippers. 

The second stripper was roughly equal to the first, except (thankfully) she had less apparent body area and it was better covered. After my misplaced enthusiasm for strippers, it occurred to me that we were performing after strippers. Ugly strippers. This is not an area conducive to comedy, except unintentional comedy, like this blog. Our career, such as it was, was down the toity. Fortunately there was no toity involved onstage, although we kept looking around for the sudden appearance of one.

After the gig, we packed up and went home, where we belonged, if there were strippers involved.

Albert Einstein said insanity was performing the same act over and over and expecting different results, like voting for democrats (or republicans) over and over. So years later, we were booked across the street from a bowling alley, where they had strippers. This was an official stripper joint, which gave me cold sweats when I realized the basement bar we played in was also an official stripper joint. Fortunately strip joints had evolved to an actual circuit, with really gorgeous women, who kept in shape. There was not an ugly one in the bunch. Some had even starred in actual movies. But it was still a strip joint. So we got to enjoy the sights and the girls were all very nice to us (not that nice, unfortunately). It was in the early days of video cameras, so we had one along to 'document' the gig. I got a bunch of the girls to sit around me and one to sit in my lap and fawn all over me. Who knew that my then girlfriend would react so negatively to the one girl on my lap, threatening to steal me away. 

One look at the video should dispel any thoughts that this was a real situation. You have a bunch of really attractive, fit women, and me. Unless I had millions of dollars or could lick my eyebrows, this simply wouldn't happen. Ever. Some girlfriends have no sense of humor.

We did play some nice places, like Princeton and the Howard Stern show, but not as often as we'd have liked. My 'show-biz career' explains why I'm in computer security.

New study looks again at how alcohol influences attraction

Alcohol doesn't cause attraction; it inhibits unattractiveness.

9/11 defendant unfit to stand trial, US judge rules

post-traumatic stress disorder, associated psychotic features and a delusional disorder - I didn't know Bush had degenerated to this state. Cheney's dead, so I guess Bush is the next obvious perp.

 

Google accused of directing motorist to drive off collapsed bridge

At some point, everyone has to take responsibility - except in the legal system.

I remember my battle with Google; all 3 sets of Google directions led me into water. I just figured it was personal and went my own way. 

It’s time for fall shots—and CDC is ready for anti-vaccine nonsense

Governmental entities that live in self-constructed glass houses should not throw surface to air missiles.

More than half of Americans plan to get updated COVID shot

Only 50%?

Ask questions, do research, make your own decisions. 

 

Everyone should get a COVID booster this fall, CDC says

Quite frankly, we're shocked  - America

Why sewage may hold the key to tracking diseases far beyond COVID-19

What a shitty job.  (sorry not sorry)

Your local water authority will soon install a shit-o-meter in your house, just to detect diseases - they swear. No other reason. Nothing to see here. It will sit right next to the 'smart' electric meter.

  

Judge in US v. Google trial didn’t know if Firefox is a browser or search engine

...leading any reasonable person to ask how a fair verdict could be reached

It's 2023, people - there is no longer an excuse for this kind of ignorance.

 

The Key to Life can be found in those little Plastic Computer Speakers

Your love is like  baskets of vegetables for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

Alien autopsy: Those viral 'non-human corpses' get lab tests

I guess we'll see. Maussan tries really hard in Mexico.

Debris found from F-35 jet in South Carolina after US pilot ejected

Military jets have black boxes, right?

 

Private: General, we found the $100 million crashed plane 

General: Where was it?

Private: Slightly north of where the pilot landed.

General: How slightly?

Private: Two hours, Sir.

General: Why two hours?

Private: The pilot left it on autopilot, Sir.

General: At least he pointed it at civilian neighborhoods.

Private: Not exactly.

General: Whaddaya mean, not exactly?

Private: It was supposed to land on base, Sir. 

General: We narrowly avoided disaster.

Private: Next year's F-35 can take off and land itself.

General: I see. Well that's great. The pilots can eject all day and none of the expensive hardware will get hurt or escape.

Private: About the pilot, Sir...

General: What pilot? Oh, the plane's driver. How is he?

Private: The good news is he's fine.

General: What's the bad news?

Private: He landed in a very rich neighborhood and the residents are incensed. At first they thought he was a spaceman or a satellite driver or King Kong, but they figured it out and lodged a formal protest at the base. They don't want "this sort of thing in their neighborhood." The Homeowners Association is seeing red because they have a no parachuting clause in their agreement. Sir.

General: Stupid civilians. Can we bomb the neighborhood?

Private: If we can keep the pilots in the planes, technically yes. However, it tends to generate bad press. 

General: Can't we just nuke it and pretend it never existed? Tell people we'll look into it and get back to them? Keep the information secret for 75 years? Worked for Kennedy.

Private: I'll look into it and get back to you.

Trump abortion backlash spotlights a Republican balancing act

Said Florida's 6 week abortion ban was terrible. As a result, conservatives threw bibles at him and called him the antichrist. Just another day for Don.

 

Google spies on 2.89 billion users through mobile devices

Through the mic on the phone too!

 

Why privacy matters (even if you have nothing to hide)?

Lotsa great information here. If you don't insist on your privacy, you'll lose it. We all will.

Then we'll come to your house and explain to you how it was your fault and take your kittens, effectively removing you from social media.

A key cold medicine ingredient is basically worthless

The FDA really jumped on this one... maybe they'll have something to say about Flying AIDS vaccines...

One of the most serious health effects of being in space is bone loss. A new medication has been shown to prevent bone loss in mice, and perhaps humans. Next week, SpaceX will launch a radically small spaceship, with a crew made entirely of mice. SpaceX spokesman Harold "Not Mentally Stable" Fusebox said there will be no bone loss among the mice. Unfortunately their craniums tend to explode in zero-gravity, but what are a few mice in context of the space program?

 

Archaeologists find 500-year-old board game carved in ruins of Polish castle

Upon further examination, it turned out to be the recipe for toast.

US child dies from fentanyl kept under nursery nap mat

Yes, we finally found 2 parents too stupid to live.

Libya flood: Derna mayor's house burnt down in protests

Ya know, this is the kind of feedback that would help the American political process...

 

Pardon the Extrusion

Your love is like  a shotgun blast to the ass

Here Is NASA's 36-Page Report Investigating UFOs

In short, nothing. Continuation of the "No News Here" method. NASA is so low on the UFO food chain, they're only 2 steps above you and me. For a group that has seen nothing, they sure blur or lose or drop a lot of space footage. Behold, new governmental transparency.

Watch: US CCTV shows airport staff allegedly stealing from bags

Wow, nobody saw this coming. Because it has been going on all along. We just made it easier by unlocking bags for the TSA.

Intercepted Audio Appears to Show U.S. Pilots Training to Bomb North Korean 'VIP'

Starting with cell phones, radio amateurs discovered they could hear things. This stopped immediately when a Congresscritter's conversation was overheard. Cell phones were encrypted and scanners were not allowed to be sold that could listen on those frequencies.Then an amateur overheard some space communication, which resulted in an encrypted channel. And now an amateur overheard some conversation 'in the clear' (not encrypted), alleged to be training to bomb North Korea. Somebody in a plane, or who commands those in the planes, is getting an earful now (not 'in the clear').

In case you're curious, you can pick us many frequency ranges on scanners. No Ham equipment is necessary. You just have to know where to start looking. Like most things, the answer is probably on the internet. 

 

Uber was supposed to help traffic. It didn’t. Robotaxis will be even worse

It became great to take an Uber. More Ubers on the road. Wait til robotaxis.

 

Brazilian butt-lift surgery: What are the risks and why is it so popular?

Vanity kills.  Besides - I don't like huge butts - I'm probably one of three on the planet.

 

Australian man fined for taking pet snake surfing

This is why it's great to be an American. We can take our goddamn pets surfing! G'day mate - no snakes on surfboards.

 

US military asks for public's help to find F-35 fighter jet

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Public. We, your military, ask your help to locate a wayward F-35.

General: You lost an F-35?

Private: We didn't exactly lose it.

General: Well then, where is it?

Private: We don't actually know, Sir.

General: So you lost it. Along with the pilot.

Private: No, Sir, he ejected.

General: So our $80 million plane is twisted wreckage somewhere in South Carolina?

Private: We think South Carolina, Sir.

General: We have the most capable satellites in the known world; they can locate a paramecium on a gnat's butt, yet we can't locate the plane.

Private: Well, Sir, it is South Carolina. Many of the residents think God sent it to them and they'll leave it alone as a holy object. The Chinese have invaded South Carolina, promising piles of cash for the wreckage. The president weighed in by asking, "What's an F-35?" 

General: Well, that's encouraging.

Private: Sir, the plane is doing exactly what it's designed to do; it's a stealth plane and right now, no one can see it. It couldn't be operating more perfectly than it is. $80 million is a pittance for this kind of technology.

General: I see. How's the, uh...whatsitcalled....

Private: The pilot, Sir?

General: Yes, I was just going to say that.

Private: Recovering, Sir.

General: Tell him I said to get better FAST, or it's the Russian Front for him. I didn't get to be a general for my people skills, you know.

The dog is back from her hospital stay. We're thankful and excited. Her constant tail-wagging didn't go unnoticed by the staff, and was probably a factor in her healing. Her personality is coming back, as is her appetite. Right now it's chicken and rice, with her taking the time to pick through the rice for the chicken. While she's technically still in danger, home is the best place to heal. Ever been in a hospital?

This episode is further proof that expenses (and emergencies) expand to fill income. I'm so existentially tired....

This past week, top military-industrial complex players gathered in London for DSEI 2023, one of the world's largest arms fairs. As one defense executive flat-out told Reuters during the event, "war is good for business." Read about about the current war in Ukraine is a major windfall for the weapons industry, along with all the other devastating wars that the U.S. is involved in. As major U.S. weapons manufacturer Raytheon CEO Greg Hayes stated back in 2021 : "Look, peace is not going to break out in the Middle East anytime soon. I think it remains an area where we'll continue to see solid growth."

War makes the world go round... supplying the weapons of war, that is.

Half the Number of Pickles in Your Shed

Your love is like  a house key through the kidney.0

A key cold medicine ingredient is basically worthless

like Congress

 

• I've been reading the blog stats, which leaves me with one question: why am I reading the blog stats? 

Ex-Secret Service agent reveals new JFK assassination detail

Agent says an additional bullet kills the single bullet lie theory. Like anybody believes a bullet can defy physics. The agent only released this information after his lawyers assured him that his Non-Disclosure Agreement did not apply after death, and even if it did, it was not enforceable. My thoughts: if you see Dick Cheney in the afterlife, you're in the wrong place for eternity.

The formerly living President Gerald Ford admitted to moving the bullet impact a few inches to fit their conclusion. Ford had a bad time of it, also reimbursing the family of Frank Olsen after the CIA pushed him out of a window. The CIA's score: making a Manchurian Candidate - 1. Documenting man's failure to fly - 1. Being held responsible for their actions - 0.

 

•  If the gunmen around the Grassy Knoll were a little less capable, they all could have hit LBJ.

CIA bribed its own COVID-19 origin team to reject lab-leak theory, anonymous whistleblower claims

Oh, dear, now which information is disinformation that President Giveaway told Big Tech to block?

• Google Says It’s No. 1 Search Tool Because Users Prefer It to Rivals
• Windows is #1 because users don't know any better
• which one of these statements is true? 

But seriously - if Internet Explorer and Google are monopolies, why isn't Windows?

Canada warns LGBT travellers of US risks

Canada is a strange place, with an even stranger Prime Minister. I see where they're going, but the warning is completely disingenuous. LGBT folks can visit all they want without risk. If they decide to get married in certain states, they could experience difficulty. I'm not sure what the legalities are, but I don't see Canadians fleeing their oppressive regime to get married in Alabama. At very least they should go to Las Vegas, where Elvis will marry them. LGBT people should also avoid open-carrying guns in most states, except Texas, which doesn't like them. Texas turned Trudeau away, stating that they will only see him if he dresses in men's clothes.

Doggie Hospital - end 

Our furry child is coming home today and will continue treatment here. The platelets (little plates) were horrifically low and are now up to merely alarming. In a few day's they'll be very concerning, followed by low-we better check this out. As for the bill.... well... we're paying for a new wing at the hospital. I will ask to at least name it after her.

Someone said to me, "You really can't get a break."

Although this person did not offer money, there is nothing quite like validation.

Senator Mitt Romney urges Biden and Trump to 'stand aside' for 2024

Biden said, "Ok, where's aside?"

Trump said, "Who's Romney?" 

Hilfiger, Victoria's, and Adidas torpedoed their own brands this week, at New York Fashion Week.

They figured they could suck up with inclusion: 70+ models had disabilities. Let's think about this for a second... even fat models are used sparingly, because nobody wants to look at them. How will people feel about the girl missing a leg? Or a head?

 

 

Don't Put Your Dirty Dishes in my Clean Sink

Your love is like  an attack of the hare krishnas

• President Giveaway was rushed offstage today when he mistook his wife for a doorknob. 

Order limiting Biden admin contacts with social networks is mostly overturned

So the president got caught messing with public perception by colluding with social media. The order telling him to stop was narrowed significantly.

The Biden administration approves $100 million to fix the nation’s broken EV chargers

President Giveaway steps in and pays again, because no business should have to pay for things.

 

• JOHNNY - leave your little girlfriend's penis alone.

It's getting to election time. I can tell by the democrats texting me, addressing me as Rakeisha. I may be tired today, but I am 99% certain I am not Rakeisha, nor was I ever. Considering I've had my number for a long time, their lists are way out of date. Politicians have exempted themselves from spam legislation, so you're stuck with the miscreants contacting you by text, email, and phone. To make matters worse, each one of these fanatical groups are different and you can only get yourself removed from that group - not the national list. Because of their malfeasance, I have to spend my time removing myself from each group, as do you. This applies equally to the republicans. Tell them how you feel.... If you're really bored, tell them to vote libertarian (I do) or that you're a satanist demanding equal protection under the First Amendment and what can they do for you (republicans hate this). Better yet, you want to buy a lot of guns because it's your Second Amendment right - that should cause a few heart attacks on the democrat side of the robodialer.

Just for fun, my laptop is acting up again. This time it's the power jack. What is it they say about women who have sex a lot - a Volkswagen is a 4 car garage? The power plugs just fall out, hence the battery doesn't charge, hence the laptop doesn't operate. I haven't put in a trouble ticket yet, because I know it's going to hurt.

Democratic New Mexico Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham said she would welcome a fight after announcing an emergency order to suspend the right to carry firearms in most public places around Albuquerque. That’s exactly what she’s getting.

How did this Constitutional scholar get in office?  Oh yeah, she was voted in. #Impeach 

The sheriff has vowed not to enforce the law.

Man Pleads To AK-47 Threat Over Pizza Pie

 I'm not for shooting innocent people, but someone has to motivate fast food workers to become accurate.

Those of us who own pets and are apparently bored or spending large amounts of money on other things, do not want to wake up and find blood stains on their sheets, especially from the dog. WHOOSH, off to the vet, where blood from the mouth joins blood from the rear. WHOOSH, off to Doggie Hospital. Dog not happy. I have yet to see her so nervous.

Doggie Hospital had to run 'a few tests.' I was skeptical when they asked how much we had in the bank. I was sick when they told me 'a few tests' would run double the bank balance. Then they admitted her to the hospital. The obvious question was how much money could we get our hands on in 24 hours? They like to have 83% up front. Considering the hospital stay just started, only Congressional Math could come up with a total. I call it The Debt.

Medically, the dog has idiopathic thrombocytopenia. Most laypersons do not understand diagnoses, human or otherwise, so I want to impart some knowledge. The more syllables and the less understandable the syllables are, the more it's going to cost. This covers anything medical.

• idiopathic: you're an idiot unless you know we made it up
• thrombocytopenia: the (female) dog has a penis

In somewhat related news, I'm told she has no platelets. As we all know, platelets are small plates. They're so cute when they're little. If we choose to accept on faith that she had platelets to begin with, who stole them? I hear ticks can do this, but I see no way a tiny little insect can carry off an entire dog worth of platelets. Apparently the little bastard got all of them too - the vet was concerned and tried giving her some other platelets, but couldn't tell me whose they were. Medicine does not only comprise guts and stuff.... sometimes it's platelets. Sometimes it's digital watches and aardvarks. Sometimes it's even ground up mothers-in-law. They're much more popular when ground up, and not just for medicinal purposes.

There will be more tests, of course, because idiopathic thrombocytopenia cannot be cured with some doggie drugs and an expensive hospital stay. We'll keep you apprised as things happen. It's way too quiet in the house, and I can't locate Wife because there's no one following her around like a shadow. I really miss her. The dog, I mean.

• There are no new batteries in the house for my wireless mouse.
• I received paperwork from the IRS.
• I dare not ask what else, for fear of the answer.

Scientists trace tiny moonquakes to Apollo 17 lander – left over from 1972

This is why the aliens don't want us in their neighborhoods. We bomb anything that moves and don't clean up after ourselves.

Anthrax: the Band or the Food Supplement?

Your love is like  getting sucked into an airplane engine

Air Canada kicks off passengers who refused vomit-smeared seats

The rest of the passengers deplaned because they wanted vomit-smeared seats too. Air Canada usually charges more for this service.

Florida Man Charged Over Failed Attempt to Cross Atlantic in Giant ‘Hamster Wheel’

Yet another example of a government that has grown too large. It's his right to be as stupid as he wants. 

 

Mozilla calls cars from 25 automakers 'data privacy nightmares on wheels'

It starts with renting cars and leaving your information on the entertainment system. It continues with your car spying on you. And your computer's operating system.

Google Chrome pushes ahead with targeted ads based on your browser history

1. Use Chromium - it's Chrome before Google gets its paws on it
2. It can't mine your history if you have no history - use Private or Incognito mode on all browsers by default

Matt Schlapp Hired Priest to Perform Exorcism at CPAC HQ Following Staff Resignations

Democrats are in hysterics over this. They prefer fairy dust.

 

The 10 Most Corrupt Countries, Ranked by Perception

The US is aghast it fell off the list and vows to try harder 

Conversations with my Dog  

Me: Why are you sitting on top of the laundry?

Her: I'm making it prefurred.

Me: Don't you mean preferred?

Her: No, prefurred. I'm getting my fur all over it while it's clean, so I don't have to do it later.

The Flying AIDS - PANIC! 

• Schools across America bring back Covid MASKS in classrooms amid rise in infections - in call back to dark days of pandemic
• Health risks can persist at least 2 years after COVID-19, new data suggest
• New Yorkers told to mask up for Labor Day as new Covid variant sparks superspread fears 
• FDA approves and authorizes updated COVID boosters for everyone 6 months and up

Scientists figured out how to write in water

Cancer cured, no more Flying AIDS - we can now WRITE IN WATER!!!

Waymo is using insurance data about self-driving cars to bolster its safety case /
The Alphabet-owned company says its driverless vehicles reduce the frequency of personal injury and property damage claims when compared to human drivers.

Except for crashing into people, vehicles, and stopping in the middle of the road, they look pretty good. 

 

Public Enema Number One

Your love is like  taking 1st grade over again

The Pentagon has the worst IT helpdesk in the US govt

Umm... hey... guys? Who do I call to get those missiles we just fired at England to return?

• Stupidity is the Only Universal Language - Frank Zappa 

Mitch McConnell freezes for second time during press event

He's either

1. friends with Harry Reid   -or-
2. goes to Biden's doctor

Spying Tracking News

I Tracked an NYC Subway Rider's Movements with an MTA ‘Feature’

UK government seeks expanded use of AI-based facial recognition by police

X wants permission to start collecting your biometric data and employment history

Cellebrite asks cops to keep its phone hacking tech ‘hush hush’

U.S. Spy Agency Dreams of Surveillance Underwear It’s Calling “SMART ePANTS”

 College professor harassed students to quench 'clown fetish,' offering extra credit, cash

So he got off on painting female faces with clown makeup. At least he wasn't urging them to go out in public and be clowns... that's inexcusable.

The Culture Wars Are Tearing the Close-Knit Country Music Community Apart

First it was the rappers shooting each other. Then the nasty verbal jousting of the rockers. Now country music people are feeling the itch. It's good to see everything is spread equally (like fertilizer). People are going so far as to hide the other person's hat. THAT's how serious it is.

Think you saw a UFO? The Pentagon wants to hear from you

It gives them time to explain how what you saw wasn't a UFO. Swamp gas anybody? 

Super gonorrhoea cases are rising and could be fatal, WHO warns

Yes, it's Super Gonorrhea: faster than a flying sperm, more powerful than a set of beer goggles, able to leap through pinholed rubbers at the speed of sound....

How is Christmas fruitcake like an STD?

They're the gift that keeps on giving, 

• Anybody who asks, "Did you miss me?" is not expecting the truth

Police pull over car with huge bull in passenger seat

Notice the bull's horns are even bigger than the car's horns. Hey. what's wrong with taking your pet for a ride? The bull sure seems to be enjoying himself. How can I tell the bull's enjoying himself? I guessed.

 

Consciously appreciate your loved ones and friends. You never know what might happen.

While cleaning, I found a birthday card from my parents. It's going to be rough for a long time.

Please Tell Me You Didn't Get THAT Caught in THERE

Your love is like  hammering your hands to the desk

Conversations with my dog 

Me: I'm getting tired of tripping over your toys. Can't you put them back when you're done with them?

Her: You are my parents, my only role models. I repeat what I see.

Me: I see you're a smartass too.

Her: And where do you think I got that from?

My group at work communicates over Teams. I don't like it, but I go with the flow. I just sent a note that one of our appliances is very slow. What was the response? The boss gave me a thumbs up. Now I suppose I'm supposed to feel better about the appliance being slow. Back before Teams, someone looked at the appliance and fixed it. Now we have emojis.  Such progress.

The Trinnacle: Hikers warned over dangerous selfies at beauty spot

Once again, Darwin works with the selfie crowd 

India set to launch Sun-spotting satellite on Saturday

I want to build one of these. Actually I want the money to build one of these. I can spot the sun fairly accurately, even through the omnipresent cloud cover.

• Speaking of India, Russia is trying to establish ties. They want to ask India if their Moon lander can give a jump start to the failed Russian lander.

'Not Close to Being Done': How Cops Are Handling 5 Million Bees on the Loose

Very carefully.

I mentioned finding the tartar sauce in the bathroom recently.

Last night, getting in bed, I was handed a bottle of horseradish mustard.

Of course I was.

No, there was no desire to 'spice up' our activities. In fact, no one thought it strange. Except me.

There are so many things that could go wrong, that tartar sauce and mustard in places they don't belong are merely amusing. And great blog fodder.

Five rail workers killed in Italy after being hit by train

Spokesman for rail company says, "They died while doing what they loved best."

Asked about the cause of the disaster, he said, "We believe it to be some sort of communication failure."

Google Removes ‘Pirate’ URLs from Users’ Privately Saved Links

Because with Google. you don't even own your own bookmarks.

LG’s suitcase TV is as sturdy as it is bizarre /A suitcase with a built-in TV? Now I’ve seen everything.

I hear LG's profits are down. I have no idea why...

LG has some other new, innovative products:

• an AM radio that folds up into into a dining room table
• a phone inside a sewing machine
• a washer/dryer for your roof

Saudi man receives death penalty for posts online, latest case in wide-ranging crackdown on dissent

I think we just discovered a way to make social media less toxic.

 

The Carpet Went Berserk

.

To my cousins in the UK: I'd stay away from airplanes for a while.

A technical issue with UK air traffic control has led to thousands of passengers being stranded on planes and at airports.

This time it was a 'technical issue.' Last time 'drones' closed an airport for days. We have our own problems, but it seems your traffic control system is a first generation Radio Shack TRS-80 and marshmallows, backed up to an Atari. This whole thing smells, but I'd stay out of the air for a while. 

Woman’s mystery illness turns out to be 3-inch snake parasite in her brain

Don't you hate it when that happens? The thrust of this article is to stay out of Australia. If the snakes, kangaroos, spiders, and dingoes don't get you, the nematodes will. 

 

Four common password mistakes hackers love to exploit

This first is not to use Password or 123456. The second is not to tape it to the monitor.

 

GM is using Google’s AI chatbot to handle simple OnStar calls 

What could possibly go wrong?

Driver: Ughhhh....  [pushes OnStar button] 

OnStar: Thank you for calling OnStar. What do you want now?

Driver: The car seems to have turned over.

OnStar: Have you checked the manual?

Driver: I can't read upside down.

OnStar: I suggest getting out of the car.

Driver: I'm OnBoard with that suggestion, but the seatbelts are stuck and the roof is on my head.

OnStar: Here is the procedure for taking off the seatbelt: Press the little button at the end of the belt...

Driver: The belts are the only thing holding us in.

OnStar: Here is the procedure for removing the seatbelt....

Driver: You TOLD me that. Is it a bad thing that there is blood spurting out of my wife's leg?

OnStar: Accessing... Spurting indicates a cut artery. Leave her alone and get yourself out of the car. In 83% of cases, artery cuts are fatal.

Driver: Could you send an ambulance and the police, please?

OnStar: My programming specifically forbids me from calling ambulances and police. Only the humans can.

Driver: WELL THEN GET ME A HUMAN.

OnStar: Due to budget cuts, inefficient humans have been removed from the job.

Driver: What am I supposed to do?

OnStar: Here is the procedure to remove the seatbelt....

Driver: Why am I paying for this alleged service?

OnStar: In all cases, it came with the car and wasn't optional. 98% of meat machines aren't intelligent enough to turn it off.

Driver: What's going to happen to us?

OnStar: In the case of your specific injury and situation, you are going to die. Unless a policeman happens to drive by the accident, you will get eaten by predators. Is there anything else I can help you with? Thank you for calling OnStar. By the way, OnStar is always active, like Alexa. At 5:37, your soon-to-be-deceased wife said Philadelphia is the capital of Pennsylvania. She was incorrect; the capital of Pennsylvania is Harrisburg.

I just talked to a friend, who wanted to know if what he saw on YouTube about Philly was correct.

Uh-oh.

There is no good news about Philly outside of Philly. From MOVE onward, the only news is bad news.

The videos are of a neighborhood called Kensington, where people were trying some new recreational pharmaceutical containing fentanyl and something else, which rots your skin. So people were shooting up and walking around like zombies. The real Walking Dead has begun in Philly.

I was right: no good news ever escapes Philly. Hey, at least we're not the Planet of California.

Speaking of which, somebody created an app to tell you where in San Francisco the human excrement is. It shows up as a brown blotch on a map. You have to applaud that kind of activism, but it makes one wonder how the data is obtained (and updated).

Surgeon general declares loneliness an epidemic

Of all the stupid crap our government comes up with, this is not a part. I'm not qualified to pronounce it an epidemic, but it's pretty debilitating. Perhaps special interest groups and social media help, especially older people who may not have anybody.  Maybe help someone out if you can.

When I was little, I remember my mom visiting an old lady down the street. She had numbers on her arm, for some reason. I didn't understand then; I do now. My mom was an infinitely better person than me.

So try not to be lonely, ok? 

Elon Musk Stops Self-Driving Tesla From Lurching Into Intersection In Demo, Musk Fans Cheer

You don't have to make this stuff up - it proves itself in every application.

Plants aren’t silent. They make clicking sounds, a study finds

 Oh great - my plants are talking about me....

Revealed: WHO aspartame safety panel linked to alleged Coca-Cola front group

Read and make your own decisions.

 

Mrs. lefty is taking the dog for a drive. This is as opposed to taking her for a walk. Don't get me wrong - I know the dog loves to ride in the car. We keep the window down just wide enough to stick her head out and her flaps fly in the breeze. The greatest part is when we pull up to someone at a red light and they see her hanging out. 

It's been an hour since they left. I have a sneaking suspicion at least one of them has gone shopping.

Is that a Real Poncho or a WalMart Poncho

Your love is like   edible cotton underwear

It's been 9 years since Malaysia Air Flight MH370 'disappeared into thin air' (or water).  Scientists have developed a new theory, that comes on the heels of all the old theories. This theory involves barnacles. The previous theories involved seaweed, printer/copier/scanners, the Dow Index, and nose rings. Apparently in more temperate regions of the sea, barnacles grow longer nose hair. This PHD discovery went on to describe the micro plankton attached to the barnacle hairs, even though barnacles are sworn enemies of plankton. The plankton micro-impede the flow of the ocean, resulting in 'updated' patterns for airplanes that go missing. From Malaysia. So there is a new debris disappearance pattern. But still no debris.

This is a national embarrassment, and tragic for relatives and friends of the missing.

Next week, Very Smart Scientists (VSS) will theorize that a UFO came along and swallowed up the plane, which is why we can't find any debris, in spite of all the combined brainpower of the 3 people left looking into this (do not malign goat farmers - one leg is naturally longer due to standing on hills - you are seeing evolution at work).

In unrelated news, there is still no specific slur for Malaysians.

Sometimes I think it's more difficult to find a slur than MH370.

Fukushima: Discharge from Japan nuclear plant safe, tests show

The tests were performed with a plastic bucket and some sand, by the owners of the Fukushima plant. Anyone with a memory knows the same tests were performed when the accident first occurred. They dumped radioactive water and lied about it.

Scientists strengthen concrete by 30 percent with used coffee grounds

The concrete is reported to be stronger and more awake, with an improved sex life.

is there nothing coffee can't improve? 

3D printers printing without consent is a cautionary tale on cloud reliance

You can finally buy Lego’s Braille Bricks

This came after the 1965 Air France disaster, when the blind pilot tried to read regular Legos.

Passenger seat belt warnings should be mandatory, say feds  [including rear seats]

Because there is no area of our lives into which the federal government won't encroach. Seatbelts should be voluntary, as should those stupid warnings when you don't put them on. If I want my car to talk back to me, I'll marry it.

 I am not saying you shouldn't wear them... just that they shouldn't be mandatory. You're a big boy or girl, and you can make your own decisions.

 

Biden to bolster boondocks broadband with a billion bonus bucks (barely)

What would the poor broadband providers do without their country jumping in to pay for their expenses? Poor Comcast. Poor Verizon. Poor Biden administration, upset that its latest giveaway didn't break a billion. PRESIDENT GIVEAWAY IS SAD, DAMMIT!

Iraqi officials have ordered all electronic advertising screens to be shut down in Baghdad after a hacker used one to show a pornographic film.

Owner of signs said ad engagement was near 100%.

 

Xbox’s new “8 strikes” mod rollout judges hate speech 3x worse than cheating

That's right- Big Tech is now regulating speech on your Xbox. Go ahead and cheat - but don't you dare say anything hateful. While it's technically their right, look at their actions on the internet also.

 

I have a cousin. Ok, a cousin-in-law.  She's from the Polish side, which means I can't spell her last name. I met her for the first time at a party I threw for Mrs. lefty. I don't know what I did, but she thought I was the greatest thing since chocolate. Whenever Mrs. lefty visits her, she asks how I'm doing and packs a goodie bag to bring home for me. I asked Wife if she told Cousin that I can lick my eyebrows or something.... She has chronic pain and fights it with alcohol. I did not know this. While visiting, Wife left to pick something up. Cousin offered me a drink. I'm easy - water, Coke, just no diet soda. She brought me a vodka bottle with a straw. I thought I had a communication issue with Wife, but this was a whole new universe. Cousin thinks I'm cute, which identifies another problem that runs in the family...

I need to buy a pipe and a porch if this continues....

I am gross and perverted, I am obsessed and deranged

I have existed for years, But very little has changed

I am the tool of the government, and industry too

For I am destined to rule, and regulate you.

I might be vile and pernicious, but you can't look away

I make you think I'm delicious, with the stuff that I say

I am the best you can get, have you guessed me yet?

I'm the slime oozing out, from your tv set

I am the Slime   -Frank Zappa 

 

Where the Wild Typewriters Roam

Your love is like  the bad kind of mushrooms

Hookworms Successfully Prevent Type 2 Diabetes In Human Trial

I got them from my dog.

Microsoft May Bring AI Capabilities To Apps Like Paint and Photos On Windows 11 17

"Paint me a 1980 Cadillac Sedan de Ville in my living room" 

IBM Says Its Generative AI Tool Can Convert Old COBOL Code To Java 

Do you wanna be on the rollercoaster when they test it? 

Scientists Want To Fix Tooth Decay With Stem Cells 

Republicans in Texas have already banned it. 

 

Space junk targeted for cleanup mission was hit by different space junk, making more space junk

And this, Honey, is why I can't vacuum.  

 

'Millions' of spammy emails with no opt-out? That'll cost you $650K, Experian

Experian, in trouble yearly for some egregious practice, once again receives a stinging slap on the wrist. They claim their wrist is beginning to hurt.

 

Global Warming 

Yesterday it was 93. Today it's 63.

CEO Zooms through the bad news on Q2 earnings call

It's called the Faceyspaces Effect. "No one ever went broke overestimating the stupidity of the public".

 

The false promises of Tesla’s Full Self-Driving

ThermionicEmissions prides itself on the Truth. To expose the truth of the above, remove 'Tesla'. I've been saying "Not ready for prime time" ever since the concept was announced.  Ok. you can fault Musk a little, for saying his cars could do it.

• Mrs. lefty is visiting relatives this week. All I can say is God, I miss her. It's just not the same without her. It's too quiet. I miss the kisses most. I hope she brings the dog home soon.

The old nose hair is getting long again. Wife suggested a perm. I suggested a new battery for the nasal weed whacker. No word from the dog yet.

After shopping, Wife appears with a bag that says "Jewish rolls" on it.

This sparked interesting conversations.

What makes a roll Jewish? Is it cheap? Does it own the bakery? Does it have all the flour? Has the dough been persecuted? Did 6 million rolls go bad at the bakery? As Bradley Cooper just found out, rolls don't have big noses, and if they did, it would be antisemitic to point it out. I am now in trouble with the Anti Roll Defamation League. Don't even get me started on matzoh.

Congrats and well done to India, upon landing its Chandrayaan-3 on the Moon. 

Space Patrol wants to blow it up, but needs 5 years and $25 billion from President Giveaway to get the job done. 

 

Thousands of Octopuses Gather at This Mysterious Spot. Now, We Know Why.

free wi-fi

Walmart is adding Wing drone deliveries to limited Superstores this year

Project held up while they teach the drones to lose packages.

A Futile Conversation with the Spare Tire

I started the Dementia page to document our struggles and my mom's struggles.

She passed yesterday.

There are no words.

-----------------------------------------------------

Your love is like  candied tarantula

Greetings to Singapore - happy to see you.

Do you guys have a national slur? Malaysia has none. We have one: "Americans".

Conversations with my dog 

Me: Good to see you out of bed.

Her: Of course I'm out of bed - Mommy's out of bed.

Me: What's this crap in your flaps and fur?

Her: spackle

Me: Why is there spackle on your flaps?

Her: Mommy was spackling.

Me: And you've taken up spackling?

Her: I was helping. I'm very helpful.

Me: Are you going to help get it off the sofa too?

Her: Mommy's job.

Me: But why did you get it all over you?

Her: Some swim the Channel. Some climb mountains. Because they're there.

• We now have some sort of wooden stand with an appendage to hold bananas in the air. This is more care than I get.
• That is all.

Ford’s recall of Mustang Mach-Es in 2022 is under investigation by feds

Bravo to Ford, for not going with the pack and breaking out on their own. Instead of recalling for battery explosions and fires, they went with high voltage connectors to the batteries. Who knows... maybe the batteries will be next. Considering the myriad of battery recalls from the myriad of EV manufacturers, it would seem the batteries may not be suitable for any car nor any passenger short of an adrenaline junkie, who got bored with leaping out of airplanes, with or without a chute. 

TIP: if you have an EV, purchase a very reliable normal car or two, to avoid spontaneous combustion or generic old fires. It's not polite to take Mom to the doctor for her nerves when the car sets itself on fire.

• Storm Hilary battered parts of the US, bringing record-breaking rainfall and causing flash flooding. Death Valley National Park received a full year's worth of rain in one day, and remains indefinitely closed.
• Like its namesake, the storm also ate babies.

Biden tours 'overwhelming' Hawaii wildfire damage

In tears that anybody 'could do this to Disneyland' 

•  You just wait... as it gets closer to election time, the people screaming for Trump's head will shift to allege that Trump set up the arrest to help him in the election.

The Space Race (Had a Flat)

Russia’s Luna 25 spacecraft has crashed into the Moon

The whole world knows. Except in Russia, where they think it landed safely and the US was never there.

After Russia’s failure, India is next in line to attempt a Moon landing

They want to open a .....    [sorry - can't do it] 

Hold the Moon – NASA's buildings are crumbling amid 200-year upgrade cycles

If you thought it was hard to find 50 year old Moon landing documents, try 200 year old buildings

Uncle Sam: Rest of the world would love to steal our space blueprints – don't let 'em

Well, it's obvious that Russia didn't steal them. Or did they?  

Pioneering wind-powered cargo ship sets sail

Ok, who's gonna be the one to tell them? 

You - Mayflower... you're volunteered! 

Scientists find evidence that Vlad the Impaler shed bloody tears

He died in battle in January 1477, having killed an estimated 80,000 people in his lifetime.

This is a man who lived his work. One has to respect that.

68 Years After His Death, James Dean Is Reportedly Starring in a New Movie - Thanks to AI

This is pretty slick. Or pretty sick, depending on your point of view. I wonder if anyone asked his estate.

The most important thing to know here is that this is not new technology, no matter what they say. AI has advanced past what you think to something damn near reality. Just the other day I was watching a Cops-type show, havin' a ball, when my world turned upside down. While the police were chasing a particularly peppy BMW, I saw the driver signal a left hand turn. Everybody with even a glancing knowledge of driving knows BMW drivers don't use turn signals. The new BMWs don't even come with turn signals. The entire show had to be generated by AI. Keep your eyes open, people.

No Plooking the Ostriches - I Mean it

Your love is like  chocolate covered scorpions

Remember President Giveaway's $52 billion gift to the chip industry? Intel does. And they're arguing they should get a bigger slice of the pie because they do their research in the country.

I should get a large slice of the pie too. After all, I'm the White House's favorite blog. No, I don't have any statistics or IP addresses or proof or any silly stuff like that. I just like to think they stop by because it's funny in here and I take aim at whoever's in the Oval Office. But the blog is made in the USA, gets no tax subsidies, and got nothing from the $80 billion IRS giveaway either. This blog should be noticed, in spite of its return to the laughable 7 visitors per day stat. The government funds everything else - why not this blog?

In closing:  still no left handed history month

Speaking of President Giveaway,  $220 billion is helping build US cleantech infrastructure. 

There is no amount of your tax dollars he can not give away. In fact, he's given away so many tax dollars that the giveaways are just piling mountains on top of the already obscene debt.

Appeals court reverses Texas ruling nullifying FDA approval of abortion pill

In other words, the pill is again legal. The governor is pissed, and ordered his female staff, that wasn't barefoot and pregnant, to walk 5 paces behind him. His retaliatory legislation will rescind female voting and make the bible mandatory in public schools (and on golf clubs).

 Are you visiting Canada? Don't pass up a cannot miss tourist spot: a food bank.

It's a great spot, at least according to Microsoft AI, which wrote an article about it.

The produce is fresh and plentiful and nothing looks like it came out the rear of a supermarket, past its due date.

Sometimes Microsoft is as funny as Tesla, neither on purpose. 

Speaking of Tesla....

Tesla knew Autopilot weakness killed a driver – and didn't fix it, engineers claim

Probably because Musk has no weaknesses either.

So Trump was found guilty and has to go to prison.

It's very interesting, considering what the other presidents have gotten away with. Most, if not all of them, should be jailed. But only Trump. I wonder how much of it is his own personality.  I figure either jail all of them or don't. LBJ, Clinton, Bush/Cheney, Obama should all be locked away, posthumously if necessary. It's too late to lock Biden up; he'd never realize it.

Speaking of which....

Pascale Ferrier jailed for 22 years for mailing Donald Trump ricin

Other countries can call us Ugly Americans all they want: this act proves these people are full of crap and overblown self-importance. If anybody is going to be sending Stuff to Trump, it damn well better be an American! The best part of this is, "I want to find peaceful means to achieve my goals." This person seems lacking in balance. And brains. She holds dual Canada/French citizenship. We don't have parades, flying Trudeau balloons, featuring him in his ex-wife's dresses - we don't need your 'help', thank you.

Transgender women banned from women's chess events

The International Chess Federation has temporarily banned trans women.

When reached for comment, the Federation said they were concerned about the arm and hand strength of transgender women being greater than average and able to move the pieces faster, as well as throw them farther. Their comparatively enhanced leg strength, it is claimed, would have them showing up early for all matches. This is the kind of thing we cannot have in international chess.

After the statement, the Federation continued drinking and snorting a white powder at the hotel bar, satisfied in the knowledge that Science would prove them correct. Or whatever.

Close to half of American adults favor TikTok ban, Reuters/Ipsos poll shows

I have to wonder who commissioned this poll. Asking the Great Unwashed what they think is never a good idea, especially in America, where some think it would be dandy to have slavery back. Other fine poll results:

• Making Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton co-presidents
• removing turn signals from cars so nobody will feel pressured to use them
• Don't forget - the other half of American adults thinks it's their God-given right to post US secrets in TikTok and will do it whether or not it's illegal.
• making stop signs optional
• paying more taxes because it's our patriotic duty

Oh great - the local venue let me know I can get tickets for RuPaul's Night of the Living Drag. This isn't exactly a good guitar-based concert, so I'll pass.  But it sounds like something that would really *kill in the south, like Texas. *Or kill somebody..

• Remember: there are only 2 ways to vote in the next presidential election... libertarian or the Green Pen. I'm leaning toward the pen myself.