Prune Flavored Fish?

She comes to work armed, in a bulletproof vest.
She's the most nervous person in Washington DC.
Her clients are openly hostile.
Who is she?
She's Kellyanne Conway's marriage counselor.



Your love is like  the bends



Kentucky Fried Chicken has dropped the 'finger lickin good' slogan amid the Flying AIDS pandemic.  I don't see the problem, unless you go licking someone else's fingers, in which case there will be larger problems....



Dear lefty

• I think I'm knocked up. The father could be one of 13 guys. What do I do?
• What NASA does when there's a problem before liftoff: abort - abort!  You might also want to keep the gangbangs to an absolute minimum.

This is the 25th anniversary of Windows 95.
Now it's vaccines.
Bill Gates should be tried as a war criminal.

• So I sez to her, I sez, "Be nice to me or I'll take up bagpipes."

The World Health Organization hired a notorious PR firm to get celebrities to spread their message on the Flying AIDS.  Nothing to see here, go on home....

Big Pharma’s Covid-19 Profiteers
How the race to develop treatments and a vaccine will create a historic windfall for the industry — and everyone else will pay the price.
CBP Now Has a Massive Searchable Database for Devices Seized at the Border

The US border agency will be able to sift through data extracted from travelers' laptops and cellphones for up to 75 years. I don't remember either candidate mentioning this 4th Amendment violation in their speeches... 

The CDC says people exposed to the Flying AIDS do not need testing.
Yesterday there were articles stating those infected can be infected again.
THIS is why there is no faith in 'experts', or much of anyone else. It's been since roughly January, and these idiots are 'leading' the fight?

NOTE: I'm breaking my own rule by posting the above. We really need to concentrate on what we want, and not on the negative.

• There's apparently a self-help book called How Not to Get Promoted. No wonder someone asked to interview me for a book recently.

Dontcha hate it when... you're trying to get married, and the Klingons attack?


People are naming their babies Dua and Kylo because Dua Lipa and Kylo Ren are famous persons. I don't know about you, but I can't wait til Iqbal Smith, Blowjob Susie, Ignatz Aggerwal, and Suckit Surreal become famous. That's gonna be some rough childhoods.....

My real name is Jimmy Page lefty Hendrix
My parents were stupid too.

• It's day 2 of Russian interference in the upcoming election. They're trying to influence people through this blog. This does not speak well for the Russians. Don't tell them we get no more than 7 visitors per day.

Lightning strikes twice... perhaps thrice.
William Shatner recorded another album! This track features Ritchie Blackmore (Deep Purple), with Captain Shatner 'singing' The Thrill is Gone. It's every bit as good as his previous hits, Mr Tambourine Man and Rocket Man. The only question remaining is whether Bill's in on the joke. And did Ritchie Blackmore try to punch him on the way out of the studio.





SJW Snickering


NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says he wishes he had 'listened earlier' to Colin Kaepernick


In the 2nd night of protests, people in Kenosha, WI marched and peacefully set cars on fire. Note to cities: announcing a curfew is lacking as a violence prevention method, in that 100% of the protesters ignore it.


2 people were killed and 1 injured in shootings at the Kenosha riots protests on the 3rd night.

Local media reports earlier said the violence was believed to have stemmed from a conflict between protesters and armed men guarding a petrol station.

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin, so the 4th night of rioting should be sparsely attended, if at all.

Tonight's Chant: NO JUSTICE, NO CARS! NO JUSTICE, NO BUILDINGS!
The tide is turning... when you go to YouTube to watch, the live video is referred to as Riots, not protests.


Black Lives Matter rioters attacked the Kenosha Dinosaur Discovery Museum and tore down a statue of a dinosaur in the name of racial justice.


All white people are racists.


Report: Seattle Rioters Used Concrete To Seal Police Precinct Doors Shut In Effort To “Burn Officers Alive”   If true, you're seeing the unstated agenda. This has nothing to do with black lives....

Which gender are you?

That's Some Awesome Plague You Have There

I got in trouble the other day for not taking the trash out. Of course I took the trash out - we have so much of it, I have to spend an entire evening doing it. With a backhoe. Apparently there was a small stack of empty shoe boxes still sitting there. Ok, I'm not too proud to admit I didn't take all the trash out, but you need to consider my position, before you pronounce me guilty and force me to watch the Oprah Winfrey Netowork or LMN - the Ladies' Menstrual Network for a week. This house has more shoes than 76% of the shoe stores on the planet, thus more shoe boxes too. So I don't always know what to do with shoes or shoe boxes. I dare not even touch them to see if there are any shoes in them. The best method of self-preservation is to LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE. Let's look at it this way: if I had a stack of guitar boxes, would she throw them out? We have more left handed guitars than 99.43% of guitar stores on the planet (that ain't hard). She knows better than to throw guitar-related things out. Unfortunately, being the man, I'm wrong regardless of explanation, so I might as well take my antidepressants and turn on the tv.


Your love is like giving birth without drugs

• According to the alleged local news, there is bullying in schools over Flying AIDS masks. Nike must've come up with $300 masks. 
• You have to give it to the bullies - they're able to adapt their techniques to new circumstances. This kind of flexibility will serve them well in business.

My mom suffers from senile dementia. We're thinking of running her for president. She means what she says, even if she forgets some of the words. She doesn't like to fondle children, so she's already more qualified than Joe Biden.

• I remember the old days, when you could unlock your passenger door by itself, with a key.

The doctors tell me it's ok to not say things.
This comes as a radically new concept, after being born with no filters.
They say I'll get along much better with Mrs lefty, as well as the rest of humanity, if I use the tiniest bit of restraint (really?) and not say the first thing that comes to mind. This is heresy. Howard Stern didn't get where he is today by stifling his thoughts - why should I? The docs imply that sometimes I can just say nothing. What a boring life they must lead... I'll die from pressure buildup if I can't say things.

When Wife says The Untouchables is her favorite tv show, instead of saying it's perfect for keeping people depressed and asleep, or mentioning the stats on dying of boredom, I can nod my head, or simply not reply. Not reply! Imagine that.  It's very important the rest of the world knows what I have to say. I must address the masses.

When people talk about Faceyspaces or iDevices, laughing, calling them idiots or iHoles, or asking them if everybody jumped off a bridge, would they jump off a bridge too is not necessary! How will they know if I don't tell them?

When I refer to people busy watching America's Got No Talent as The Great Unwashed and the reason we're going to hell, I would be better off not saying anything, or not telling them to read something other than TV Guide or playing with themselves would be more educational. My input is essential here.

Furthermore, I should not call people ugly and stupid, because they probably just walked into the room. It happens a lot, like the time I was singing "It's Raining Men" and the gay guy walked into the room. I can't help this. I didn't call him in. He wasn't expected. The looks on my coworkers' faces were priceless, especially my boss'. I do it for them. My boss said out of every person he managed, I frightened him the most. Who would I be if I couldn't give this to my people?

I also learned I shouldn't tell the docs "I'm not closed minded just because your music sucks" or "Because I'm always right." Their senses of humor are bred out of them in the process of earning their doctorates.

So I've got another week free to blog and troll the interwebs.



Dear lefty

• In the show House, Dr. House is addicted to Vicodin. Are all doctors addicted to drugs? 
• Of course they are. All doctors, especially psych doctors, subconsciously get into the field to heal themselves. Some of them truly stand out as Healers, like Dr. House. The healers are the worst. So if you are privileged enough to see a doctor who's a Healer, he's probably doing a few things he shouldn't. You should probably avoid the psych doctors, cuz they're really screwed up and you might catch something. 

Speaking of The Untouchables, (and why should we?).. let me save you the trouble of actually having to watch. It is a story about federal officers during Prohibition, when we weren't allowed to drink (or racketeer, or randomly shoot people). Lots of men, dressed in dark suits and wearing fedoras, spent most of their time in humongous old cars with running boards, driving by places and shooting them up with automatic weapons. Except for the running boards, very little has changed. We also learned there were no black people in the 20s.

• If I haven't said this lately, ThermionicEmissions has been going since April 2011, making it 9,17453398 years old. This completely validates my critics' cries that I have way too much to say.
• It also validates my coworkers' cries that I won't shut up
• And my wife's cries that I'm always right. Or at least I think I am.
• They're all correct. But I'm proud of few things in life, and I think it's pretty cool that I've kept this boat afloat for that long, with only original material.
• I appreciate you coming by, hope you're entertained, and ask you to ask your friends, or enemies, to stop by too.

TV has also taught me that people used to put on suits and ties to eat.

I couldn't afford the laundry bills from spilling food on myself.

• let's face it: a white dress could easily be called 'ketchup catcher'

According to NASA, a truck-sized asteroid is heading toward Earth on the day before elections. Biden/Harris blame Trump, claim racism, vow election will take place on time.


Guess the theme.
This plane flies itself.
Are we ready for driverless trucks?
    Bonus points: it can read license plates, so it can....


Speaking of koalas, the FAA is going to test detection and mitigation systems for drones at a few airports. Mi-ti-ga-tion: the reduction of something harmful or the reduction of its harmful effects. This should be interesting...


Trump declared the California wildfires a major disaster. Nancy Pelosi said the wildfires were another tactic by Trump to postpone the election.



Let's Dance!  Let's Vote!

So the election is coming up, raising all sorts of questions about the Flying AIDS. Children are being kept home from school and others are going to school. Restaurants can seat people indoors, with distancing. Theaters can open, with distancing. Some cities mandate a mask while outside. The Post Office is a mess, but that's not anything new.

As we maintain, they have no clue, thus we have no clue. Many procedures contradict each other. If 6' is ok, will 7' keep you free of risk? Masks are to prevent the wearer from transmitting sickness, not to protect the other wearers. Thus I can go mask-free, because I'm Flying AIDS-free. If the mask prevents the wearer from spreading germs, why do we socially distance? If socially distancing works, why wear masks? Then there's temperature taking, which is fine to detect current infection, but no good to detect asymptomatic carriers or incubation periods.

So let's make our own decisions and head out to the polls. Lines at the polls are pretty packed together and long, inside a firehouse/library/whatever. Not taking some kind of precautions would probably be pretty stupid, especially given the results of Flying AIDS parties, where the kids don't take precautions. So the lines will go on forever, with 6' between voters (inside), and unhappy voters who have to wear masks. Then the Susie Snitches, who whine loudly if you don't have a mask or aren't distancing.

The elderly are encouraged to use absentee ballots.
This is made easy for them by trying to find an absentee ballot request form, mailing it to an address not listed on the form, waiting for the ballot by mail, then filling it out and mailing it in, hoping the USPS isn't out back, smoking a doobie. Then fighting off the Russians, who are trying to interfere with the elections by blocking the mailboxes.

I think I might go absentee ballot, as early as possible. Maybe tomorrow.

SO how are you going to register your vote?



The new landline phone arrived recently. It is largely like the old landline phone, except less grungy and will hold a charge (hopefully). We require 2 handsets so we can find at least 1 when it rings. Better stated, we will always have 2 handsets that need to be charged. The new set has a block feature that really gets my nipples atwitter. It will also speak the name of the caller. This is pretty cool also, except for the fact that in order to speak, one must first be able to read. This is where the phone fails. We can definitely hear it announce a caller, but we're damned if we understand what it said (do not tell me it's from the deep south - that's not nice). I noticed the dish rack ringing recently. This is not common in our house, but I've learned to expect anything. Someone hid the 2nd handset and charger behind the dish rack, ensuring it will always be charged and never be found. It made its announcement and, as usual, I figured we had the voice set to Swahili. You have to go to the phone and read the Caller ID to understand what the announcement said. This is less a feature than an annoyance, like taking out a hot date, with your mom in the backseat of the car. The answer to this quandary is my answer to all phone quandaries: don't answer it. It's never for me and I don't want to talk to anybody calling.

Also remember the golden rule: just because it rings doesn't mean you have to answer it.



SJWs STILL

Another shooting of a black man sparked another peaceful protest in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Vehicles were set on fire, there were reports of armed robberies and shots fired, all peacefully. Meanwhile, the cheeseheads were delighted to finally be put on the map with their own negative press. The mayor has declared that all peaceful protests in Kenosha be held with cheese hats and masks. There was no social distancing at the protest, and very few masks, so the police broke everything up by 8pm.


The existence of police is brutality. No bad protesters, no good cops.
-Richmond, VA, protest flyer


BLM street painting to become permanent along Hollywood's Walk of Fame

no.

Wanna Watch Some Political Commercials?

Please lift a glass to those unsung heroes: your IT department.
Not only do the people have to keep the servers running, they have to take calls from users whose home computers aren't running right, because they've downloaded the latest fake Faceyspaces or clicked on the phishing email. Every piece of crap on a user's computer threatens the company's computers and servers.  sa-LUTE!


Your love is like  spitting out your pancreas



Dear lefty

• Is that a banana in your pants or are you happy to see me?
• What kind of idiot puts a squishy fruit in their pants?  Oh... never mind.

Scientists 3D xrayed an ancient Egyptian cat mummy.
Why?


The Space Station astronauts are trying to track down and patch an oxygen leak found last year. These guys still patch faster than Microsoft.

• On tv there's a show about kids and grown men riding bmx bicycles down railings and on top of cars. If they can fill out a job application, will prospective employers be impressed?  Are their friends in awe of their talents? Do they get the hot chicks? I think we know the answers.

Experian says it recovered and deleted data on 24 million South Africans after giving it to random 'marketing' person. This humongous corporation has your data, whether you want them to or not. They have data leaks like people have chocolate.

The University of Utah was hit by ransomware and paid $457,000 for their data.

That's almost the cost of tuition!  

The US Postal Service, signaling their new openness and honesty, warned its employees not to talk to the press. 

"Avoid the temptation to 'answer a few questions,'"

Suggested alternatives:

• hey, doesn't that Trump guy suck?
• Biden told us we're the best dog catchers in the world!
• you wouldn't mind a small price increase to have your letters delivered, would you?
• if you think we're incompetent, you should see... umm... I'll get back to you
• did you know we were told not to connect those sorting machines, after the postmaster got caught disconnecting them? Oops. 

My democrat neighbors have "No Hate Here" signs.
My republican neighbors have "Love of God and Country" signs.
I'm thinking about "Just Leave Me the F- Alone" or "I Hate Every One of You Equally" signs.


I just had a revelation.
They say a person's environment is an indicator of their mind. My environment has always been... scattered and dusty. My mind has always been... scattered and dirty. So I looked around and realized that one can use a shelf for stuff you want to put there, without putting the stuff on top of any existing stuff. In other words, I can keep some radios on a shelf, without needing 13 years of old pens, defunct rubber bands, 1,079 DVDs full of hamster pr0n, and one obscene-looking, telescoping puke green dusting wand. The puke green dusting wand goes in front of the work computer's camera, in case we have a video conference.



School sure has changed, said Captain Obvious.
It's been a small amount of time since I (nearly) attended school, and it got me thinking of what I'd do if we had the Flying AIDS back then. Well, I would've been more than happy to attend virtually; in fact, my attendance would have gone up significantly if I attended from home. Well, maybe not. I spent a lot of time not attending school with my girlfriend, so that would qualify as a hardship. I didn't like just about the entire 1,000 student class, except for the musicians and the guys from the bomb disposal unit. I was regularly bullied by the nice people from the sports teams, when they were on their way to the MENSA classes. We'd all be required to take the Virtual Bullying class. Goofing off from home would be a pleasure. The main decision was how my frequent interruptions in class would go. In a classroom, I would shout out answers, or anything else that came to mind. I was smart, so I got away with being funny and disruptive. In a virtual classroom, I'd have to key the mic and say something... and it had a greater chance of annoying the entire class. My decision was made.

Think of the unintended entertainment when Jimmy forgot to turn off his mic and his mom came in to remind him to take his herpes medicine. Or Susie's mom asked if she took her contraceptives this morning - she didn't want Bobby to knock her up, did she? Bobby's other girlfriend was less than pleased. Or the teacher got caught telling her boyfriend what she was going to do to him after class. This should have counted as a class in itself... sociology of stupid. Count how many students were watching pr0n and forgot to mute the videos. Extra points for identifying the genre of pr0n. What did we learn? Leticia likes girls and lefty is fascinated with hamsters. And virtual fire drills make no more sense than asking for a volunteer to clap out the erasers.

The there was the big decision of what college to attend. When you ask yourself would you rather attend a local college virtually or Los Angeles virtually. Because there's a big decision there, largely the accents of the students. You may get hotter students in L.A., but you'll never see them unless they speak up... like, wow. The University of Tokyo would be a blast, especially if you only speak English. The British institutions count double if you can understand the same language you already speak. Unfortunately, all the other students refer to you as Colonist. If you choose a Canadian university, no one will talk to you, for fear you're packing and will shoot someone. Virtually.



NPR news noted that Palestine was not happy with the UAE/Israel treaty, and was worried more nations would reach out to Israel.  This is the first time a nation was worried more peace could break out.



SJW Sentences

This week, the Peaceful Demonstrators in Portland set fire to the Multnomah County building. Where COVID-fighting personal protection equipment is stored.


Chloe Clark, English professor at Iowa State University:

"GIANT WARNING: any instances of othering that you participate in intentionally (racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, [sic], sorophobia, transphobia, classism, mocking of mental health issues, body shaming, etc) in class are grounds for dismissal from the classroom," Clark's syllabus reportedly stated. She says that the same warning applies "for any papers/projects" as well, and tells students that any writing that goes against abortion, gay marriage, and Black Lives matter will not be allowed. "You cannot choose any topic that takes at its base that one side doesn't deserve the same basic human rights as you do (ie: no arguments against gay marriage, abortion, Black Lives Matter, etc). I take this seriously," the syllabus states

Dear Professor Clark: my paper will be on how All Lives Matter, and for extra credit, how everyone should be able to peacefully torch buildings.

It's wonderful that our language is ever-evolving. We now have sorophobia, fear of people with HIV/AIDS. I'm lobbying for coronaphobia.  

Democrats see racism in GOP mispronunciations of 'Kamala'
also 'riot', 'looting' and 'good morning'

David Sedaris' books are highly recommended, regardless of politics.

Service Elepant Dating

Ladies and gentleman, the truest statement ever on The Flying AIDS:

One of the biggest challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic is that we simply don't know what works against the SARS-CoV-2 coronavirus.

The great thing about current Flying AIDS testing is that it can take weeks to get your results back, in which time you could have been infected or spreading the infection.


Just to make things more interesting, a California resident tested positive for the plague. Florida is working overtime to beat this- perhaps a touch of leprosy.  


Apparently fear of the Flying AIDS makes you behave differently too. SEPTA, Philly's public transport system, mostly referred to as the SEPTIC system, changed their schedule, but forgot to tell their website, where everyone goes to see their schedule. Ok, that's not different behavior.



Your love is like  wearing a mask inside the house





Told you so

Oh what a feeling: New Toyotas will upload data to AWS to help create custom insurance premiums based on driver behaviour. You do not want a connected car. If you go to buy one, insist the dealer pull the plug or you won't buy it.

Your data will go to Toyota, whoever Toyota sells data to, insurers, the dealership, emergency services, and whomever else.

and again  

The Weather Channel mobile app's operator settled a suit, wherein the users surrendered their location info for personalized forecasts and alerts, and the company sold their data. They're terribly sorry and will tell you they're selling your data in the future. Listen to me: it's bad enough you give up your location... there's even more behind the curtain. If you have any doubts, don't do it. Just assume the worst and you'll be well-warned. 

If you're looking for some trustworthy android software, check out f-droid first. It's all open source, you're not tracked, and it's very specific if it requires any information from you. It's also not Goog, which is a good thing in itself.

and again  

235 million Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube user profiles just leaked.
The info would be very handy for phishers, and is thought to have come from a company called Deep Social. Deep Social referred the query to the Hong Kong-registered Social Data, which shut down the database within 3 hours, but naturally denied any connection with Deep Social. Remember: like sexually transmitted diseases, you're not only sleeping with a partner... you're sleeping with everyone the partner slept with. This could be a data thief or a third party payment company. In this case, it's Hong Kong. Because you have an Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube account. Another way in which posting your data in public will come back to bite you in sensitive parts of your body.


and finally!

Morning people are linked with a higher risk of Alzheimer's 

When they prove exercise causes cancer, I will finally be vindicated.

Faceyspaces banned about 900 pages and groups and 1,500 ads tied to the pro-Trump conspiracy theory QAnon, part of a sweeping action that also restricted the reach of over 10,000 Instagram pages and almost 2,000 Facebook groups.
Faceyspaces is under no obligation to allow free speech or anything they don't like, however.... it's spreading to all large social media outlets, creating de-facto censorship. I don't care about QAnon - I care about freedom of ideas. If nothing else, remember that many things, including the JFK assassination, were 'conspiracy theories' at first, yet were true. Now you have to pass Twitter, Faceyspaces and social media testing to even discuss something online. Doesn't that sound a little creepy to you?


Speaking of creepy....

The US government has warned against the use of anti-drone technology by private companies and even American states, saying it could break current wiretap and hacking laws.

• Former swimmer Harry Needs (UK), came out as bisexual.
• Why?  

Dear lefty

• What's the best thing about having a blog?
• When I don't feel good, the dog fills in.

• Did you know I think you're an unqualified ass?
• Yet you come back often and continue to ask stupid questions.

In a surprise to the entire country, the Democrats nominated Joe Biden as their presidential candidate. Accepting the nomination, Joe said, "I want to thank God, Black Lives Matter, the Academy, and all the people who make papier mache goods and services available to the fine citizens of this state."

As a concerned citizen, I want to do all I can to bring people together. Society is way too divided. Let me get my Black Lives Matter t-shirt on, use my woman-owned company soap, vote for a female president, put on my Back The Blue socks and my MAGA hat, stop talking to my brother because he's pro-Trump, run someone over because they believe differently, and torch a court building for of peace. I'm going to start by blocking both sides of the freeway in the name of togetherness.

There's a movie coming out called 'Tesla,' about the man and his story.

One of his ideas was to use AC instead of Edison's DC to power the country. You had better thank Tesla: getting shocked by AC will push you away. Getting shocked by DC will hold you there.

I renew my anthropological call for answers about certain peoples with proportionally larger butts. This is an honest request as to why a disproportional number of black, latina, and other women have disproportionally large butts. People with blogs and a lot of free time on their hands ask these questions.


I say to myself, hey, let's listen to some Jimi Hendrix.
Then I say to Mrs lefty - I'd like to hear some ....  ummm.... DAMMIT!
My mother, with senile dementia, is doing this. She has a lot of trouble coming up with words at the ends of sentences. Mind you, I've been doing it longer than Mom has had her diagnosis.  You?

Sting Left the Police and is now In the Navy

Final Sign of the Apocalypse

Facebook to take board seat at Linux Foundation after signing as Platinum member.  It was nice knowing some of you.

• Dontcha hate it when some idiot posts a stupid request to the entire email list, then the bigger idiots hit Reply-All to complain about it? Email is so new, these people must not realize how to operate it....

Praise Idiot Mayor: The restaurants will be allowed to open, and even serve food, on September 8, IF Flying AIDS numbers go down. There will be a few restrictions...

• No food will be served inside. Or outside.
• The sales tax will go up a few points, cuz this is Philly.
• There must be an odd number of people at a table
• You can't sit at a bar, but feel free to enjoy our new 8% beverage tax
• Black people and other preferred minorities will get choice of seating (this mayor is a piece of work- I'm not kidding)
• Only a small percentage of seats can be filled. Take the cost of running the restaurant and halve it to get the percentage.
• There will be a small, 50% 'temporary' parking tax
• Your car will be torn up even worse, cuz we stopped doing anything at all with the roads (worse than normal)
• Masks must be worn while eating

The NFL has an idea to bring football back during the pandemic!
The terribly well-off team owners and individual millionaires will hire people to play for them, so they don't get the Flying AIDS. The victims new players will be recruited from local gridirons and couches everywhere. Since they'll play for almost nothing to get on tv, the teams can stock up on them, so they can replace them when they get sick. It's positively brilliant: the filthy rich team owners will get to keep their money, as will the millionaires, and only licensed vendors can sell ridiculously expensive shirts, or Homeland Security will bust a cap in their asses.


Your love is like  sawing your own arm off with a spoon


Speaking of the Flying AIDS, I was listening to some police radio from Chicago. In 10 minutes, there were 2 calls from 'anonymous sources' about parties with no social distancing or masks. I propose new regulations: before Sally Snitch or Tommy Tattletale calls the police about a mask or distancing issue, they be required to give their name, which will be posted on the police website. End of issue.

Europe's Top Health Officials Say Masks Aren't Helpful in Beating COVID-19
Did you know Switzerland hasn't used masks or distancing and is doing well?
Not to worry, the advice will change next week.


A newspaper headline asks, "Joe Biden: where does the US presidential hopeful stand on key issues?"  How the hell should he know?



NCSU researchers said they ran 66,606 telephone lines between March 2019 and January 2020, during which time they said to have received 1,481,201 unsolicited calls -- even if they never made their phone numbers public via any source.


Things are so much more secure since I went with ridiculously long, complex passwords. The ironic part is not getting into sites because I put my name in wrong.

• Goog assistant privacy settings. Use them.

Mrs lefty got to chat with a cocker neighbor the other day. A black couple, she's had it with her husband putting up BLM signs on the lawn, but decided not to fight that battle. Both of us recently lost dogs. She realized Mrs lefty was walking Penny and said she was sorry we lost Marshall. His legend lives on.

• RUSH NEWS: Painting eyes on cow butts helps ward off predators

Experiments in quantum physics have proved you don't exist.
Further, the Wigner paradox is real. Remember Schroedinger's Cat? That little bastard was in and out of my house, tearing things up and fighting with the dog. Wilma Flintstone went into a sealed room, looking to see if the cat was dead or alive. Fred Flintstone was outside the sealed room, measuring. Wilma determines the feline is alive, largely due to its motion. Fred hasn't made an observation yet so he sees Wilma in the unique female position of seeing the cat dead and alive. When Fred takes a peek, the cat could possibly be dead, contradicting Wilma's observation (this is perfectly normal in marriage). The scientific conclusion is that you never send your spouse to check on anything involving quantum physics, and you better hope there's no dog to see the cat. Always remember: a quantum particle, or a woman, can be on, off, or both.

• Microsoft will be ending support for Internet Explorer 11 in 2021. Until then, they're busy drilling security holes in the new Edge browser.

We're at the 100th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote. Women's lives matter. We're all human. No one is chattel.


The world's largest cruise line, Carnival, was hit with ransomware.
I don't know about you, but after ships hitting stationary objects, Flying AIDS onboard, toilet failures, and now ransomware, these guys couldn't protect their ships from dust.


The Pentagpon announced on Friday that it had elevated the status of its UAP task force following pressure from Congress and the fact that multiple instances have been reported of unknown objects reportedly making incursions into military airspace.

Cut it out, willya? Now the taxpayers are funding two Pentagon UFO groups; the original one, and the new one. Another part of the psyop or Grand Plan<tm>. Don't forget - the government has spent untold amounts of time, money, and effort to convince you these don't exist. Or that they didn't affect national security. Now there's a group to study them?  As for Congress, they're pissed they're not included in the knowledge. This subject is classified so tightly, the president can't access it.

SJW Slump

A major British medical school is leading the drive to eliminate what it calls "inherent racism" in the way doctors are trained in the UK.


[UK] Body positivity campaigners say the government's obesity strategy "blames" bigger people for Covid-19.

What to do when a person of color shouts ALL LIVES MATTER at your largely white BLM rally? A serious SJW issue.

The news went to sports, specifically basketball: on the court, in large black letters, was BLACK LIVES MATTERS. Does this mean BLM is sponsoring the team?

That Hair Color Does Not Exist in Nature

Archaeologists discovered that 200,000 years ago, people slept on comfy grass mats. And only got 1mb download speeds, because Comcast was the only provider.


Your love is like  drinking past its date milk


Death Valley made the record for highest temperature on Earth, at 130 degrees (54 grams Canadian). With temps like that, they should give the place some sort of ominous name.


Does this sound familiar?
You barely had the energy to stand up the entire weekend.
Now it's Sunday at 11pm and you're FULL OF ENERGY!




Let's Meander Outside

For the 2nd time in a few weeks, they let me loose again.
All local businesses were on alert.
I didn't think it was fair of Wife to drag me out of bed on my second nap of the day - after all, it was only 2pm.

I'd probably have a better time if the sight of people with masks on didn't piss me off so much. I have to admit that the people with the welder's helmet 'masks' are pretty funny. I learned earlier not to ask them about their torches and hoses.

To spare the restaurants, the wife and the mom picked up some sandwiches. You've got to hand it to the Jews - they did to corned beef what the Irish did to... corned beef. Nothing like a corned beef sandwich. Or a corned beef special, with cole slaw and Russian dressing. Technically, Jews aren't supposed to mix meat with dairy products, so I guess this makes it even more exciting: the Forbidden Sandwich. Don't ask me - it just tastes good.

Wife bought this matzoh ball soup. Judging by the size of those balls, a matzoh must stand about 7' tall. I kid - matzoh is one of the few allegedly edible substances that is indistinguishable in taste from its cardboard container, like Pizza Hut pizza. Actually, the cardboard is a little tastier, plus it has fiber.

She also bought chopped liver. I don't get this substance... after all, who wants anything to do with anything called liver? I ate it every now and then when I was little, when 'chopped liver' was simply a phrase. As I got older, I found out that 'liver' actually meant something and stopped eating it.  Speaking of spending time in the bathroom, I have memories of a meat-like substance I ate when I was very little, called tongue. I remember liking it. Then, one day, I realized tongue was not a descriptor word that meant nothing - I realized I had one. I spent quite a while in the bathroom, then a few years post-traumatic. It was not good time in school health class, when they described the tongue. I'd turn white and run out of the room. It was hysterical for my classmates, whose conversation always turned to tongue whenever I approached. 25 years later, a girlfriend made me a surprise for dinner. Surprise - I didn't like it. She told me it was kidney. That was doubly nauseating because I had 2 kidneys, which were busy taking turns trying to pass stones.

In the Emergency Room, the nice nurse handed me a container and asked if I knew what it was for. I nodded and said, "Wee wee!" It was the worst pain I had in my entire life, but at least the staff was amused. I went to the bathroom and came back with my sample. I'm pretty sure I know what color they were looking for, but it looked like blood. I told the nurse I couldn't remember whether she wanted blood or urine, so I brought them both. I figured this was serious, when the black nurse went pale and rushed off with the sample. Not a drop of pain medicine in the hours I was there. I told them that if I died, my last words would be, "Please don't take me to that hospital."

One of the great things about not having a religion is the only dietary restrictions are the ones I make up. This works out well for the holidays too. National Left Handers Day was last week, so I had the entire week off, being a very important holiday. We also take Christmas off, because everyone else is off work, and that one where the Catholics chase each other around, beating themselves with palms. Sometimes we celebrate that more than once a year.

Mom has some nice potted palms in her apartment, although she isn't Catholic.
And those corned beef sandwiches were delicious, but I never touched the balls, no matter what anybody tells you.

• It's not like the movie was old, but George Kennedy had hair.

Philadelphia has had some horrible shootings lately. Really sickening shootings, where children died. Leaping, seemingly drunk, into action, the Philadelphia City Council ran a gun turn-in. Thus, a bunch of honest gun owners dropped off guns (43 at 1 of 2 locations). And the criminals will continue to shoot people. And the City Council will continue to advance idiotic, impotent schemes. Business as usual in Philadelphia.

In election news, Vladimir Putin has declared himself the winner of the election for Leader for Life. Kim Junk Illin gave him a run for his money, but everybody's favorite was Barack Obama. Obama fans, unable to get him elected as One World Leader, figured they'd do it one country at a time.

Black Lives Matter, but so do your profits  

The Movement has been doing its best to extort local businesses in Louisville, KY.  Amongst other things, businesses must 'donate' a percentage of profits to black causes, and put up a sign supporting reparations. If this doesn't end police violence, nothing will!

On Buying Cheap [Guitar Content Only]

Another segment (ok, the first segment) from the 'experience speaks' guy.

When we start out, we're generally kids, without a ton of disposable income. This requires finding used equipment or good deals or trades. There's little choice and we learn from it. I certainly went through it.


I built most of my own computers until fairly recently. The last time I did it, my wife kept telling me to buy really good/fast hardware. I asked why and she said because I spent an awful lot of time at them, so I needed good hardware, and I tended to keep them for a while, so I needed fast hardware. I was going to cheap out, but she made incredible sense. And she's not even a musician!


As I collected more and my ear got better, I realized I needed better sound and quality. This is essential if you're playing out in any form, even for no money. You need to show up professionally, with all your reliable gear and some backups in case of failure. You'll show your professionalism with your playing and your equipment. You'll also get a reputation for both. I stopped buying cheap, and saved for better equipment. I'm now a wonderfully-equipped player who never leaves his couch. To put a finer point on it, I stopped buying guitars just because I could afford them, and saved for nicer guitars and equipment. Now there's very little junk in my stable, and I could go into the studio well-equipped to sound like whatever's needed. This also meant, as I was growing up, that I watched others with nice cars, but my money went to equipment.


Having said that, to use my Corporate-speak, buying equipment is a whole new paradigm since the Web became popular. If you want a pedal, you can check out the reviews, talk to a few experts, visit some social media groups, then listen to it on YouTube.

Historic Note: when I started playing, there was no net. We heard about things through Guitar Player magazine or our local mom+pop guitar store, then we tried them out.

So if you've been playing for a while and you intend to play out, it's time to go pro - don't cheap out. With Ebay, Reverb and all the commercial music sites, guitar shopping is 24/7. This can be a real problem for some, but it's ok, I can quit whenever I want. I started to see pedals with weird names... really weird names. I started checking them out on YouTube. So I have Reverb in one browser tab and YouTube in the other. Granted, you're not always getting an exact idea of how a pedal will sound, but you'll at least get in the ballpark.

I started to see the tiny effects, like Mooer, Donner, and others. They're all made in the same factory, so there's no difference. I was naturally suspicious because of their overseas manufacturing, but after listening, had to admit they sometimes do a hell of a job (ripping off other successful designs and selling them for peanuts). Rest assured the parts are substandard, at very least the hardware, so at some point the jacks will become intermittent, the controls will get dirty, or the switch will fail. If you're at a gig or audition, this won't go well. This is one reason to buy the more expensive pedals (or guitar).

As your disposable income increases (or shows up), you can also go on a Mission, becoming crazy about testing a bunch of pedals to find the right one for you. You do some research, then buy 5 or 10 of the top overdrives or distortions. Or do it 1 at a time. Pass on your observations socially, and make a YouTube video with a sample of the units and your conclusion. Swap a pedal for another, and so on.

After a ton of research, I bought a Hughes&Kettner Tube Rotosphere (Leslie pedal). It sounded the best in the reviews and shootouts. Plus Jeff Beck used one, and he never let me down before. Then a 'The Dude', Dumble-style pedal, which you should listen to if you don't have one. I'm building a few, and the next purchase will probably be an MI Audio Crunchbox. It's a great-sounding, balls to the wall, high gain Marshall pedal.

So keep the quality and tone in your mind when shopping (once you pass beginner phase).



YouTube Demo Rant

I've found the demos from big retailers, like Sweetwater, very accurate but not too deep. The real tone monsters put up YouTube videos, going into depth (sometimes sickeningly in-depth, to where you want to suggest they take medicine). Or better yet, the shootouts, where they compare 2 or more pedals in the same group. The overdrives are a great example, because there are so many of them, making so many claims. The worst of the overdrives are the 'transparent' ones, that don't mess with your tone too much.

The problem is with reviewers not using something vaguely normal to demo the pedals. One guy demos everything with a late 50s Strat. Because all of us have a late 50s Strat. Or a custom builder's Strat - Suhr is popular, but at least these are Strats. Some expensive guitar with a P90 pickup in front and a Tele pickup in the rear isn't likely to be common in anyone's house except the guy making the video. Another popular trick is drop-D tuning. Your ear might pick it up, but it's not indicative of what your average guitar player uses.

Then there's amps.
This guy's demo features a Dr Z amp. I think Dr Z amps start around $2,000. This will make it less likely people watching it will get a good idea of the sound.

If I were going to make a video, i'd probably use a Strat and a Les Paul, through a Deluxe Reverb. The Deluxe Reverb is a standard, clean, well-known amp, so you're getting a good representation of the pedal. It's also not a dirty amp until you get it painfully loud, so it's a good indication of what the pedal will sound like into a clean amp. Some pedals sound better into a slightly dirty amp, in which case I'd try something with a bit more hair on it.  The Strat and Les Paul are for obvious reasons. Maybe a Tele.


The YouTube demo field is seriously in need of some self-parody and sense of humor. It would go something like this:

Hi, I'm lefty, and today I'm doing a pedal shootout between the Klon Cantuar ripoff from Mooer and a secret pedal. The signal chain starts at my stock 1978 Strat, with all pickups replaced with all hand-wound units from the Seymour Duncan Custom Shop. Then I custom wired it for different combinations. I use a Live Wire ROCK cable into the Klon, then a JAZZ cable into my 1959 tweed Fender Champ, with the tweed redone, a ceramic instead of alnico speaker, and the output 6V6 substituted with a custom-made adaptor to use an EL84. From there I mic with a Telefunken U67 (with leather) and a regular old SM57 into my Focusnot 8 channel USB converter, into my computer, running my 47 track linux digital audio workstation software (cuz this guitar player don't do Windows or Mac). Video was edited with a lot of screaming and help from the dog.

Here's muh clean tone. Here's the effect.
I have adjusted the settings for flat gain in the local humidity, taking the dew point into consideration, on a Tuesday, which is always the best day to do demos. Let me set it so the gain knob is at zero, because we all use our overdrives for zero gain, then I'll play with the tone control, because you always wanted to know what it sounds like at zero. As we turn the gain up, the signal becomes more gainy. As we turn the volume up, it gets louder.  Note that after every phrase I wank on the whammy bar. This won't help you hear the pedal any better unless you wank on the bar too, but I like doing it. It ups my Douche Credibility. Then I spaz out a bit, moving the neck to and fro. It doesn't have any effect on the tone, but it makes me feel it does, plus I look super into it.

Now let me introduce the special secret pedal we'll compare the Klon with.
It's a 1972 Maestro phaser, one of the earliest phasers ever. If you saw Led Zeppelin's Song Remains the Same, you saw one on top of John Paul Jones' Fender Rhodes on 'No Quarter.' Why would I compare a transparent overdrive to a ancient 3 button phaser? Because I can.

Since we might want to hear this with a little more grit, I'll plug in the 1969 plexi-Marshall that Jim Marshall gave me from his personal collection, when I visited, the week before he died. It has the Eddie Van Halen mod, on board computer tube biasing, and I'm using it with Eddie's personal variac, at 88.7 volts.

So that's my video.
Subscribe and like this, and I'll be back next week with a comparison of the original Klon ($3,600 used) and a small twig I found outside.

My Ear Hair Hurts

Remember: cake is merely a delivery system for the icing. Cut out the middleman and just eat icing. You can buy it in a can or make it yourself. Grab a spoon and dig in.


Your love is like  an icepick to the kidney


I don't know about you, but if I lived in Indiana and anyone called me a hoosier, I'd run them over with a chainsaw.



Dear lefty

• Why do you have a mock advice column in your blog?
• Why are your questions always so stupid?

I just spent over 30 highly unsatisfying minutes with my best friend, Windows 10.
These were 30 minutes I wasn't in work, because the computer didn't want to connect to work. Then the 20 minute reboot, then the DNS-blindness, then the refusal to 'see' hardware that it saw perfectly 20 minutes ago, then another reboot. When it finally came up, Outlook once again came up full screen, even though I never use it full screen and have tried many suggestions on how to fix it. I'd replace the box with linux, but I'd have to get a signed note from God himself before my boss would consider it.

Windows: it's not an operating system, it's a virus.



Flying AIDS news

Headline: Everywhere
It's bad. It's going to get worse, unless you follow rules or get a shot or...
This will be the worst [insert period of time] ever.

There is a humongous list of things we may not do because of the Flying AIDS, yet children should go back to school. What's wrong with this picture?

Florida, never gone from the news long, reports that Chinese masks are showing up at many addresses, unsolicited. I guess the Chinese got bored of sending packets of seeds. Odd people, those Chinese. What does this say about Chinese Floridians?

The head of the Department of Natural Resources is telling employees to wear face masks on teleconferences — even when they’re not around others and at no risk of spreading the coronavirus.  Mrs lefty says, "Well, they're certainly drinking the Kool Aid."  In unrelated news, the Department of Natural Resources told its employees to wear condoms 24 hours per day, whether or not they're getting laid.

Hey, if you're in the mood to go back to the movies, you can get 15 cent tickets AMC. Hmmm.... 15 cent tickets... chance of Flying AIDS..... let's get a busload to go!

• speaking of teleconferences, please don't use Zoom. Zoom's privacy issues are all over the press, yet people keep using it. If someone asks you to use Zoom, explain to them that it's a real privacy and malware issue. There are alternatives.

Trumpie

• Trump unloads on ‘stone cold crazy’ Pelosi, ‘mad woman’ Kamala, ‘poor student’ AOC
• for all his faults, and there are many, he sure is entertaining sometimes

I joke that if Trump produced peace in the middle east, people would deny it and use it as grounds for impeachment. I'm a little shocked to read that Israel and the United Arab Emirates have reached a peace deal, which Trump helped broker. Good on all parties!  Oddly, the Palestinians are not pleased, referring to it as treason (which is why there will never be total peace in the middle east).

A man killed himself, allegedly because his wife wouldn't have sex with him.
"You can SUE for that?" you say.
This happened in India, where the decedent's mother is suing the wife for "abetment to suicide."
Although the US has the best and most litigious litigators in the tri-galaxy area, even they couldn't get much past failure to consumate.


Hollywood's Biggest Secret
Ok, Hollywood's Second Biggest Secret
It's Ed Begley, Jr.
You've seen him in black and white movies, current movies, older movies, and he Does. Not. Age.

• In Egypt, archaeologists have unearthed hieroglyphs depicting pharaohs with huge headgear, who look suspiciously like Ed Begley, Jr.
• In the Wild West, Ed Begley, Jr's saddles were #1 and his face was etched on the saddle. His motto was "Buy an Ed Begley, Jr saddle and sit on Ed's face!"
• In a recent inspection of a 1917 Ford Model T, there was a picture of Ed in the glove compartment.
• In the rubble of the Twin Towers, there were cases and cases of Ed Begley, Jr brand thermite: "Have a blow up on Ed!"
• Records indicate there was no Ed Begley, Sr.

Did you delete anything on Instagram?
It's supposed to take up 90 days. Turns out it might have kept things for more than a year.  I hate to say this again, but don't post anything online that you wouldn't post in the local library or give to your grandparents. Assume that when you post something, even privately, it's available for public view, or at least view by the employees of the service.



Department of Justice says Yale discriminates against whites and Asians


SJWs Worldwide

India, Jamaica, and Canada are also celebrating Kamala Harris' appointment, largely for the same reasons the democrats are: she's black, female, lived in Canada, and has Indian roots. In other words, India, Jamaica, and Canada are every bit as shallow and dim as America.


LA Times: Camping is often called America's favorite outdoor activity. But camping and national parks have a complicated past when it comes to racial equality and equal access for all. One modern barrier to entry: the cost of camping gear. Yes, camping is racist.

It's Not That I've Stopped Trying - It's That I've Stopped Succeeding

In my opinion, artists produce art because of internal issues. It drives their creativity, in an attempt to get itself out of their minds and into the light.

I have some experience here: I spent quite a while in comedy and I can tell you comics are some of the most miserable people you'd never want to meet. As a guitar player since the age of 12, I can absolutely relate to this. Playing the guitar was an escape.. it felt great. It gave me a high that nothing else could touch, including alcohol and drugs. It was therapy. To this day it remains therapy. I'm not likely to take myself out, though (and very few would consider it a tragedy), but you've seen musicians doing it way too frequently lately.


Give it some thought...

Fame just means your problems are making more money. When they become too burdensome - POOF. BOOM. Whatever.

That's my theory.
And what it is.
And whose it is too.

And now we have something we never thought we'd see: artists dying from cancer all over the place. Seriously - Gregg Allman?


Flying AIDS news

Speaking of cancer, did you know the National Institutes of Health has a financial interest in Bill Gates' Flying AIDS vaccine? Diversifying their portfolio, NIH also disclosed financial relationships with Gilead, the drugmaker introducing an expensive competitor to Hydroxychloroquine, the inexpensive anti-malarial drug (that 'doesn't work' to cure the Flying AIDS, and is banned from social media as Fake News or disinformation).

Strangely, the Flying AIDS treatment panel of the NIH has more than a few ties to drugmakers. Don't forget, whatever 'cure' emerges, the drug companies are not liable for anything.

600,000 military were falsely told they had the Flying AIDS. People who weren't even tested.



Mrs lefty is a huge Wendy Williams fan.
When I say I am not a fan, I'm being very polite. Extremely polite.
I do my best not to be exposed to Wendy, but Mrs lefty watches the show every day. Since my office is 2 floors away, I get it full volume. It's not that she listens to it LOUD, but I could hear it full volume working in someone else's house, down the block. I guess the people I need to be more upset with is Wendy's audience, of drooling sycophants who do anything she says and think she's the black female Jesus. This is ridiculous. Everybody knows that's Oprah.

To add insult to injury, Wendy was being interviewed on a different show and Mrs lefty was glued to the tv while we ate lunch. I begged and pleaded, politely, to put anything else on.... anything... old war movies.. black and white movies.... silent movies... 40 year old game shows... a station that only plays commercials.. anything. No luck. It turns out that Mrs Frankenstein doesn't look like a very nice or happy person when being interviewed. And I had to try to eat during this.

What did we learn? Wendy has a problem that causes fat ankles and she's not happy about it. And to time lunches more carefully.

I gotta run away - Judge Judy is on in 15 minutes.

Wendy O. Williams was the lead singer of the punk band The Plasmatics. Upon occasion, she'd grab a chainsaw and saw something in half. She is not related to the black Wendy Williams, mentioned earlier - she was just a lot more fun to watch.



Now that we're in the post-George Floyd world, we're going to have to make some changes, specifically to language. Our correspondent Mirriam Webster (Merriam's long lost sister), spinning in her grave, gives us some examples:

• Neil DeGrasse Tyson will now study holes with significant sucking power
• black eye: people of color have 2
• blacksmiths: erased from history as a symbol of racism
• veterinarians will no longer work on blackcock or blacksnake, nor will white women, looking for a thrill
• all pimples will be known as whiteheads, regardless of color 
• Joan Jett and the Blackhearts will perish in a 'peaceful demonstration' in Seattle.
• blackmailing is sending or delivering mail to people of color
• black is now 'that very dark shade of gray'
• whiteout will not be changed. Who cares?

Faceyspaces improved everybody's life once again, this time by adding blackface photos to the banned post list. I continue not to have an account, but it's an endless source of amusement and proof of near-fatal stupidity. Next week: a ban on photos of women who have breasts.


Joe "Huh?" Biden announced his vice presidential candidate the other day, selecting Whoopee Goldberg, because she's black, female, and has a Jewish last name. He said that with any luck, she's a lesbian too.

The president's response was that she has been very nasty, very nasty, to him and that she keeps being black on purpose.




SJW Sickness


The lastest in the Corporate SJW March is NASA, which has decided to "re-examine" how it refers to cosmic objects.

"As the scientific community works to identify and address systemic discrimination and inequality in all aspects of the field, it has become clear that certain cosmic nicknames are not only insensitive, but can be actively harmful," the agency said.

Planetary nebula NGC2392 will no longer be the Eskimo Nebula. They will also drop "Siamese Twins Galaxy". They're currently deciding whether "Those Wacky Negro Nebulas" should be changed.

Bears Sniffing Hairs

Vacationing in Beirut
Don't.


My old boss used to sniff a coworker's hair.
She thought it was a little weird.
We thought it was a lot weird.
He died. Probably from sniffing too much hair product.
Now that I think of it, she died too, possibly from using too much hair product.


Your love is like  an anvil to the big toe.



Public Service Announcement

If you haven't already, go online to your cell phone provider's site and review your plan. You never know what kind of crap you've been signed up for or how your private information is being shared. In theory, you can manage it online;

I needed to change my plan. It suggested 2 other plans that were ridiculous and nothing else. Ah, the convenience of online service. When I used the phone to call, they were closed for the day. But they want me to know they're there for me.

Got a Chromebook?
Set it on fire. It's another goog 'innovation' that sends them your data.
If the fire option isn't for you, there are linux distributions that install just fine...



For most of the summer, I dread that there will be a winter.
The only good thing I can think of is the lawnmowers will stop.



Speaking of neighbors, we will soon bid goodbye to one of the nicer neighbors we have: the ex-service paranoid schizophrenic with the weapons. Living proof that just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. We spent many a night yelling at the helicopters over our houses (they just hovered there). He thought the motorcycles were up and down the street to harass him. I think the motorcycles are up and down the street to harass the entire neighborhood, with their ear-splitting noise. He's a really good guy and we'll miss him. Meanwhile there's still the 439 year old monster who stays awake at night, thinking of ways to annoy us, and the 90 year old sweetheart who still mows the lawn. This will not happen to me: I don't want to mow the lawn now, no less doing it when I reach that age.



There is now a committee on how to identify brain death.  We non-doctoral-type people, who drink expensive coffee drinks and think we know it all, say you can probably identify brain death with an electroencephalogram (EEG), or if they're in Congress.  We dare not suggest this, or the World Brain Death Project will lose its funding. Then they would have to go back to drinking expensive coffee drinks.



Dear lefty:

• What do you get when you cross an octopus with a tarantula?
• Your mother.

Because it feels so good when we stop  

Lafayette, Colorado, just paid a ransom for their ransomware problem, saying it was more cost effective than rebuilding from scratch. 

When will these elected idiots learn? They won't.

When will action come from above? That's the only way this will be helped in any fashion. Networks need to be secured, securely backed up, and the employees TRAINED to look out for phishing and malware.

But you have to admire the criminals pricing their crime at below the cost of restoring things.

Told you so. Again.   

Google Home devices 'accidentally' recorded your every word. Oops. Sorry.

Q. When will you get rid of this spying menace that you paid for?

A. You kiddin' me? It reminds me when The Masked Furry is on.

Airline shares surged Monday after federal data showed air travel at the highest volume in nearly five months and as political support grew for more federal aid for the struggling sector.

They anticipate a $25 billion relief package.

Well, we bailed out the auto industry. We bailed out the banks. Now we know who's next. 

Vermin Supreme (TM) @VerminSupreme

The mental health issues related to our lockdown and the pandemic are especially hard for people with depression. NAMI, The National Alliance on Mental Health have a 24 hour helpline: 800-950-6264.

In another peaceful Seattle evening, someone drove his white car into a building, probably a store, going by the cheering. Then he did it again, to more cheering. I assume the driver went home and set his house on fire. Unless he stole the car first.

• I heard someone say "The mechanic just called.... the total is only $1200!" It's the little things.

An online dress code was imposed on an Illinois school district. Pajamas are no longer allowed. Also, a desk is recommended - not laying in bed. It's a good thing kids are doing so well, in these days of The Flying AIDS, that we're worried about how the little so-and-so's are dressed.

Let's take an imaginary trip, back to our time in school....
Ever have that dream.. the one where you're in front of people.. with no pants?
What kind of masochist would appear in his virtual class in pajamas? The normal social order of laughing at people and bullying should work this issue out on its own.  * Except for the cheerleading squad, which can wear however much or little it wants.

Vladimir Putin claims a Flying AIDS vaccine is ready.
Now who do you trust more - Vladimir "Disappear Them" Putin or Bill "Windows Them" Gates.
Ugh.



I've been telling everyone that pedophilia goes up to the highest levels.
60 Minutes Australia exposes pedophilia up to and including Parliament. It's not a particularly pleasant video to watch, but you need to. Don't think it's limited to the UK. A male prostitute ring was signed in and went through the White House on Bush's watch. The elite use children and the practice must be stopped.

Noise Eliminators [Guitar Content Only]

These noise killers are misnamed at best.
They should be called 'Signal Killers Between Songs'.

They do absolutely nothing while you're playing.
You set the threshold when you're not playing, to shut the noisy signal down when you're not playing. This is almost essential when you're using really high gain tones and/or single coil pickups. You don't need one if you're really fast with the volume knob or just don't care.

When you stop the song, the noise eliminator stops the signal. The only problem is setting it so it doesn't mute softer passages you play, or riffs that have repeated, fast bits of silence in them.

I don't have one, but I don't have a ton of noise. Paul Barrere (RIP - Little Feat) said he got rid of his single coil Strat noise with noiseless pickups, and he was happy with their tone. It's pretty damn cool discussing guitars with a hero of yours.  Cool dude, friendly person, good player, will be missed.  


Just wanted to clear up the misnomer. They're great for what they do.






In other news, the barrage of emails from Guitar Center continues.
The sale on 'Platinum' guitars features 642 guitars, 10 of which are left handed. They're all between $3,000 and $4,000.  That's platinum alright...  

Meanwhile, in the price drops section, you can find myriad $10,000 Les Pauls, Les Pauls with hideous finishes, and many pointy guitars with EMG pickups. Also a pair of Teyes, for $4,000 and $9,800. Damn.

There's a Peavey Rage.
Rage is what you'll do when you hear it.
I pick on Peavey only because of what they sounded like when I started playing.



The Dallas International Guitar Festival has been rescheduled to September 25-27.  God, I miss guitar shows. I just can't play a guitar with a mask on. It gets in the way of playing with my teeth.



Trainwreck amps don't come up for sale often, but one just did on Reverb.
For the bargain price of $45,000, you get sonic nirvana. As a bonus, it was also Joe Bonamassa's recording and touring amp around 2012. I mention this because it appears I won't be purchasing the amp.

For those of you who haven't, Trainwreck amps were made by Ken Fischer in New Jersey, by hand, each tuned separately for the buyer. There are a minimum of controls on it because it needs no more. It is exquisitely sensitive to touch; you can play lightly and cleanly, then dig in and distort it to hell, without touching the amp. This is the amp I'd have if I could have any amp.. many others say Dumble.
Check YouTube for videos. Notice how the player has his rear pickup set very low, then switches to his front pickup, balls to the wall. There is an Express, a Rocket, and a Liverpool. At very least, the output tubes are different.

Ken Fischer died, so there are a limited number of Trainwrecks available (about 100 made). Trainwreck's successors are Komet and Dr Z. I like the Komets better. They're all pretty expensive. Oddly enough, you can buy kits or assembled versions from Ceriatone for considerably less. I might be going with a kit soon.

Pickled Cinderblocks as a Light Snack

We are told to expect many more storms this season.
As a result, President Trump has passed an executive order called the No Stupid Hurricane Names Order. As an example, the most recent storm, Isaias, is obviously just silly, so it will be renamed by a brand new government department to be named later. They will use real-world names, like Shaquanda, VeMona, DeSam, and Mordecai.



Lawmakers are asking California how it makes $50 million a year selling drivers' data.  Do not trust them to protect one of your toenails.



Your love is like  appendicitis



Atten: those w A.D.D.

• It is helpful to read more than a bit of the first sentence of a paragraph.
• Pay specific attention (sorry) to the word 'not'.
• Read labels carefully or instead of strawberry lemonade, you'll get motoroilberry lemonade. Ask how I know.
• The word DIET on soda should always be taken seriously, lest you discover you bought it. 
• While working from home, seriously try to avoid doing stuff that's more interesting during virtual meetings. And by more interesting, I mean anything.

You didn't read anything more than the first few words, did you.


Dear lefty

• Are you a Jimi Hendrix fan?
• Does your mother wear bladder leak underwear?  

Best Corporate Justification

Charter Communications claimed to the FCC that broadband users enjoy having internet plans with data caps.  They also enjoy chocolate in very minimal quantities and clothing that shrinks when they put it on.



Speaking of socks, all of our dogs loved coffee. We have no idea why.
Today I arrived to see Mommy offering Penny some pumpkin coffee with coconut creamer. I stopped this before the SPCA showed up with animal cruelty charges.



Major League Baseball is exploring using facial recognition to identify fans not wearing masks. In addition to existing facial recognition. One usually must go to football games for this kind of shenanigans.

• Penny does not have any buttocks and I can see that it upsets her.

The reviews are in for Shia LaBeouf's new movie, The Tax Collector

‘atrocious’, ‘dreadful’, ‘barely coherent’, "One of the most atrocious viewing experiences of the year", “madly illogical plot”, "bloody, barely coherent and about as fun as having your face dragged across asphalt from a moving SUV”

I don't think they liked it.

Mrs lefty, breaking with stereotype, controls the tv remote.
I now have the choice of housework or an Untouchables marathon.
She's a wily one.

But any relationship is give and take.
Yesterday I got yelled at for putting something back in its place.
IF YOU PUT IT BACK, HOW AM I GOING TO FIND IT?

Apologies  

Ryan Reynolds apologized for marrying Blake Lively on a plantation, saying, "it's something we'll always be deeply and unreservedly sorry for."  Reynolds didn't realize the mic was still on when he turned to his wife and asked if she wanted to play a game of slave and slave-owner.

Zoe Saldana apologized for playing Nina Simone because her skin tone was lighter.  It's not right to judge by the color of one's skin.

“Midsommar” star Florence Pugh issued a thousand-word Instagram apology for having once worn cornrows at a party when she was 17.

The LA Times apologized for ‘Blatantly Sexist’ Headline Comparing Biden Veep Pick to ‘The Bachelor."

• is The Bachelor sexist? Is it sexist when Biden says he's going to pick a woman as running mate? Has anybody told him to pee today?

The biggest apology of all:

I've been playing the black man's music for most of my life.

Cockroach Sexing in the Workplace

Because I care:
Ergonomics, in these days of working at home.
Adjust your chair so your elbows are at a 90 degree angle.
The most important part: keep your wrists relatively straight. As soon as you start to bend them up or down too much to use the keyboard, you're setting yourself up for trouble - pain or Repetitive Stress Injury, like carpal tunnel. Take short breaks. Try to get some sex (this applies when you're not working or not at the keyboard too).


Your love is like when Vito breaks your legs



I just got an email from my House rep, asking how she's doing.
I thought she took me off her email list, for fear of my responses.
I disagree with many on politics - it's no surprise or alarm.
This lady, however.... we disagree on every thing she says. It's astounding. I try to like at least one thing she does, but it hurts too much. Usually there's something to like about everyone, but this person... let me try to be positive: she's not at all unattractive.



Dear lefty:

• How do I snag a Playboy Playmate for a girlfriend?
• Be incredibly wealthy and carry a puppy.

Didja learn anything in the sexual harassment training?
Yeah, I picked up a few good how-to's.


Bob goes to sexual harassment training after getting hired at Bra-CO.

The instructor gave a scenario and said there would be questions after:

Instructor Ted supervises Bill. They're having lunch in the cafeteria.
Bill sees a woman walking by, looking lost. He says, "Hi, I'm Bill." She introduces herself as Marsha and says it's nice to meet him. Bill says, "Nice tits, Marsha," and turns to his boss, Ted, and says, "This is Marsha. She's new. She has nice tits."

Marsha blushes and tells them it's nice to meet them both, then asks where the ladies room and the H/R office is.

Later on, Instructor Ted finds out he has a new person in his department, named Marsha. Ted goes over Marsha's duties with her in his office. He apologizes profusely for Bill's behavior. He explains that this department is full of Bills and hopes she doesn't mind. If it's bothersome, he suggests Marsha ask for a transfer. He can make that happen immediately on a quid-pro-quo basis: you scratch my back, I grab your tits. Marsha smiles and winks.

Shaquanda is messing with Hymie out on the floor, telling him how the Jews own everything. Hymie says if he owned everything, why would he be working here. His cousins own most of the banks, though. The floor breaks into laughter.

Jose is telling an old joke: "Hey, did you hear about the Puerto Rican fireman? He named his kids Hose-A and Hose-B." His buddies boo then laugh.

McSweeney asks what's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a sober Irishman. Answer: There is no difference - neither of them exist.

Wanting to blend in, Marsha suggests a new sexual harassment process. After you get harassed, you are required to rate the harasser on harassment and style. Her suggestion is put into place within a week.

Jeffy pokes ShaNayNay, "Imma axe you bout Beyonce."  ShaNayNay drops her soda on the floor, laughing.


Instructor Ted is finished with the scenario and it's time for his questions:

1. What did Bill have for lunch when they met Marsha?
2. What size are Marsha's golden globes?
3. "This was a trick. There was absolutely no sexual harassment in this scenario. Sexual harassment is only sexual harassment when it's unwanted. Marsha obviously wanted it."

Told You So

Wireless phone charging is pretty inefficient. A recent study showed wireless took 47% more power. Any transfer from electricity to something else is inefficient. Speakers are grossly inefficient in transferring electricity to motion.

I asked lots of people, who told me wireless charging's penalty
 wasn't significant.



I just watched a YouTube video where a woman claims to be a Super Soldier and had lived on different planets in the 1800s. That's a lot to swallow. I had to turn  it off when she said 'hella'. I can't believe that.


Michelle Obama said she has 'low-grade depression,' blaming it on the Flying AIDS, racial tensions, and the Trump administration. I have sympathy for the woman - depression sucks. Blaming it on Trump, however, indicates a different problem.

There are many treatments for depression: medical, talk therapy, diets, a plant, and others. You do not have to feel this way. Consult your primary doctor, a therapist, a psychiatrist, a religious counselor, or ask a friend what they did.



Attack of the Phone

It was a dark and stormy night. No, wait, it was a dark night, as nights tend to be. I was in bed, trying to drift off early, for my early meeting. This, of course, meant the circus was in town. Mrs lefty was performing her tennis moves, only instead of left-right. it was upstairs-downstairs, at regular intervals. She, like most spouses, has a way of knowing just when I'm nodding off to sleep, and picks that precise moment to BANG through the door, allowing the dog on the bed, where she spends the next 5 minutes licking my forehead, until she has to be pried off (sadly, the dog, not the wife). Strangely, this does little for my sleep.
You have to admit, she has impeccable timing.

I put my phone on the shelf, with a small lip to prevent it getting too far away. Plugged in an earphone, which is wonderfully broken - only one side exists. That's ok, my ear can only listen to one side at a time. Put on my favorite nighttime listening and prepared to softly go away. Sometimes I sleep so soundly, I sleep through the dog leaping on me and licking my forehead. And walking on my chest. I chose precisely that moment to move 1/4" too far and my phone took a near-suicidal leap from the shelf, ignoring the small lip that allegedly stops it from getting too far away. Oddly, it didn't produce any noise, but I did. It started as a minor grumble and quickly escalated to muffled cursing and calling the phone's mother names. The dog has developed a pleasing new habit of BARKING when I raise my voice, so I'm reacting, she's BARKING, and now it's Wife who's having trouble getting to sleep.

I swept the carpet for the phone. Nada.
If it fell from a shelf, physics dictate it couldn't have gotten too far on the floor. Unfortunately, physics in my house are slightly... different. Perhaps it floated down, like a 5 pound feather, and landed on a different floor. Perhaps it had to go to the bathroom. Maybe it blipped into another dimension; all of these things were up for consideration, as I ran my hands over the carpet on the floor. As I continued to fail to locate it, I'd come up for air and each time, hit my head on a shelf. It was the perfect Three Stooges-Homer Simpson cartoon. Bang-OH. Bang-OH. Bang-OH. Did I learn anything from this? Hell no.

Again I grumbled. Again the dog 'reminded' me not to grumble, via BARKING. Once she starts, you can't get her to stop, even with threats of canine aviation.
All of this jolly noise got the attention of Wife, who asked me what I was looking for. Ummm.... my phone? I continued sweeping the floor and banging my head and grumbling. I continued to not find the phone. The dog continued to BARK. I continued to tell Dog what she could do with the barking. Finally, Wife can take no more and asks what I'm looking for. Well, it's the same phone I told you I was looking for 5 minutes ago. Can I have a flashlight, please?

Ah, flashlights.
Wife has a Flashlight Thing<tm>.
Wherever we go, if we see different flashlights, she has to buy them. We have approximately 5,247 different flashlights.  We have military flashlights, we have small LED flashlights, we have large LED flashlights, we have around the corner flashlights, we even have those 10 pound police flashlights that helps them 'subdue' dissent.  Strangely, we cannot locate ONE of them. Are you still paying attention? People with PTSD will recognize it when I say she bought 3 large tape measures, for 3 floors of the house, so she will have one there if she needs it. So what about the ($&#ing flashlights?  They're in a different dimension, perhaps with the phone.

30 minutes later, she returns with a flashlight.
I start looking under the bed, only the flashlight is pretty dim.
I have spent entire nights replacing batteries in flashlights. It's become a replacement for sex. Yet I can barely see, in the total dark, with this flashlight. I saw tissues the dog chewed up, certain leather and rubber items, various unimportant body parts, and a 1957 Chevy I was restoring (it's a tall bed).  There was still no phone. At this point, I could stand no more, and gave up, wondering if its alarm would wake me for work. As I wondered, the dog BARKED, for no apparent reason. If she gets tuned into what's in my head, she will shortly spit out her larynx.

Right I was: of course I got up about 17 minutes before the alarm, out of spite, and faded off, at which time I heard the alarm. It was loud and sonorous. So I searched. And searched. And dimly used the dim flashlight. And searched. And cursed. And listened to the dog BARK. I hoped she was under the bed, helping look for the phone, when I felt something fuzzy brush my leg. I really don't want to think of anything else that could be. The alarm went off for 5 solid minutes, during which time it succeeded in not being found. Ever helpful, Wife suggested I GO DOWNSTAIRS AND GET ANOTHER DAMN PHONE SO YOU CAN F'ING CALL IT. I suggested I pull the bed out after work, frustrated from trying. The dog just sat there, contemplating her next BARK. In the bathroom, moments later, I hear a knock. Wife found phone. Wife wanted to give it to me RIGHT THEN. I had something different going at that time, which would be very difficult to put on hold while I took the phone from her. She was not impressed, and kept insisting I take it NOW. With great effort, I stopped what I was doing and took the phone. Apparently the cord knocked the phone off the 3rd shelf. It flew down 2 shelves, at an impossible angle, and cleverly hid itself inside a children's toy, way at the back of the shelf. It went DOWN 4 feet, then made a LEFT.

I don't know what I'd do without that phone. Ok, that wife too.
I need some aspirin - the pain in my head is making me see stuff. Unpleasant stuff. More unpleasant stuff than normal. And I'm looking around wearily, waiting for Wife to drop the other baseball bat.

Right as I'm finishing work, Wife will go upstairs for a nap. I will decide to take a nap on the couch. Just as I'm drifting off, the phone will remain where it is, but Wife will come back down because she couldn't sleep. My entire life is like the Addams Family. On acid.