Pickled Cinderblocks as a Light Snack

We are told to expect many more storms this season.
As a result, President Trump has passed an executive order called the No Stupid Hurricane Names Order. As an example, the most recent storm, Isaias, is obviously just silly, so it will be renamed by a brand new government department to be named later. They will use real-world names, like Shaquanda, VeMona, DeSam, and Mordecai.



Lawmakers are asking California how it makes $50 million a year selling drivers' data.  Do not trust them to protect one of your toenails.



Your love is like  appendicitis



Atten: those w A.D.D.

• It is helpful to read more than a bit of the first sentence of a paragraph.
• Pay specific attention (sorry) to the word 'not'.
• Read labels carefully or instead of strawberry lemonade, you'll get motoroilberry lemonade. Ask how I know.
• The word DIET on soda should always be taken seriously, lest you discover you bought it. 
• While working from home, seriously try to avoid doing stuff that's more interesting during virtual meetings. And by more interesting, I mean anything.

You didn't read anything more than the first few words, did you.


Dear lefty

• Are you a Jimi Hendrix fan?
• Does your mother wear bladder leak underwear?  

Best Corporate Justification

Charter Communications claimed to the FCC that broadband users enjoy having internet plans with data caps.  They also enjoy chocolate in very minimal quantities and clothing that shrinks when they put it on.



Speaking of socks, all of our dogs loved coffee. We have no idea why.
Today I arrived to see Mommy offering Penny some pumpkin coffee with coconut creamer. I stopped this before the SPCA showed up with animal cruelty charges.



Major League Baseball is exploring using facial recognition to identify fans not wearing masks. In addition to existing facial recognition. One usually must go to football games for this kind of shenanigans.

• Penny does not have any buttocks and I can see that it upsets her.

The reviews are in for Shia LaBeouf's new movie, The Tax Collector

‘atrocious’, ‘dreadful’, ‘barely coherent’, "One of the most atrocious viewing experiences of the year", “madly illogical plot”, "bloody, barely coherent and about as fun as having your face dragged across asphalt from a moving SUV”

I don't think they liked it.

Mrs lefty, breaking with stereotype, controls the tv remote.
I now have the choice of housework or an Untouchables marathon.
She's a wily one.

But any relationship is give and take.
Yesterday I got yelled at for putting something back in its place.
IF YOU PUT IT BACK, HOW AM I GOING TO FIND IT?

Apologies  

Ryan Reynolds apologized for marrying Blake Lively on a plantation, saying, "it's something we'll always be deeply and unreservedly sorry for."  Reynolds didn't realize the mic was still on when he turned to his wife and asked if she wanted to play a game of slave and slave-owner.

Zoe Saldana apologized for playing Nina Simone because her skin tone was lighter.  It's not right to judge by the color of one's skin.

“Midsommar” star Florence Pugh issued a thousand-word Instagram apology for having once worn cornrows at a party when she was 17.

The LA Times apologized for ‘Blatantly Sexist’ Headline Comparing Biden Veep Pick to ‘The Bachelor."

• is The Bachelor sexist? Is it sexist when Biden says he's going to pick a woman as running mate? Has anybody told him to pee today?

The biggest apology of all:

I've been playing the black man's music for most of my life.