Please lift a glass to those unsung heroes: your IT department.
Not only do the people have to keep the servers running, they have to take calls from users whose home computers aren't running right, because they've downloaded the latest fake Faceyspaces or clicked on the phishing email. Every piece of crap on a user's computer threatens the company's computers and servers. sa-LUTE!
Your love is like spitting out your pancreas
Dear lefty
- Is that a banana in your pants or are you happy to see me?
- What kind of idiot puts a squishy fruit in their pants? Oh... never mind.
Scientists 3D xrayed an ancient Egyptian cat mummy.
Why?
The Space Station astronauts are trying to track down and patch an oxygen leak found last year. These guys still patch faster than Microsoft.
- On tv there's a show about kids and grown men riding bmx bicycles down railings and on top of cars. If they can fill out a job application, will prospective employers be impressed? Are their friends in awe of their talents? Do they get the hot chicks? I think we know the answers.
Experian says it recovered and deleted data on 24 million South Africans after giving it to random 'marketing' person. This humongous corporation has your data, whether you want them to or not. They have data leaks like people have chocolate.
The University of Utah was hit by ransomware and paid $457,000 for their data.
That's almost the cost of tuition!
The US Postal Service, signaling their new openness and honesty, warned its employees not to talk to the press.
"Avoid the temptation to 'answer a few questions,'"Suggested alternatives:
- hey, doesn't that Trump guy suck?
- Biden told us we're the best dog catchers in the world!
- you wouldn't mind a small price increase to have your letters delivered, would you?
- if you think we're incompetent, you should see... umm... I'll get back to you
- did you know we were told not to connect those sorting machines, after the postmaster got caught disconnecting them? Oops.
My democrat neighbors have "No Hate Here" signs.
My republican neighbors have "Love of God and Country" signs.
I'm thinking about "Just Leave Me the F- Alone" or "I Hate Every One of You Equally" signs.
I just had a revelation.
They say a person's environment is an indicator of their mind. My environment has always been... scattered and dusty. My mind has always been... scattered and dirty. So I looked around and realized that one can use a shelf for stuff you want to put there, without putting the stuff on top of any existing stuff. In other words, I can keep some radios on a shelf, without needing 13 years of old pens, defunct rubber bands, 1,079 DVDs full of hamster pr0n, and one obscene-looking, telescoping puke green dusting wand. The puke green dusting wand goes in front of the work computer's camera, in case we have a video conference.
School sure has changed, said Captain Obvious.
It's been a small amount of time since I (nearly) attended school, and it got me thinking of what I'd do if we had the Flying AIDS back then. Well, I would've been more than happy to attend virtually; in fact, my attendance would have gone up significantly if I attended from home. Well, maybe not. I spent a lot of time not attending school with my girlfriend, so that would qualify as a hardship. I didn't like just about the entire 1,000 student class, except for the musicians and the guys from the bomb disposal unit. I was regularly bullied by the nice people from the sports teams, when they were on their way to the MENSA classes. We'd all be required to take the Virtual Bullying class. Goofing off from home would be a pleasure. The main decision was how my frequent interruptions in class would go. In a classroom, I would shout out answers, or anything else that came to mind. I was smart, so I got away with being funny and disruptive. In a virtual classroom, I'd have to key the mic and say something... and it had a greater chance of annoying the entire class. My decision was made.
Think of the unintended entertainment when Jimmy forgot to turn off his mic and his mom came in to remind him to take his herpes medicine. Or Susie's mom asked if she took her contraceptives this morning - she didn't want Bobby to knock her up, did she? Bobby's other girlfriend was less than pleased. Or the teacher got caught telling her boyfriend what she was going to do to him after class. This should have counted as a class in itself... sociology of stupid. Count how many students were watching pr0n and forgot to mute the videos. Extra points for identifying the genre of pr0n. What did we learn? Leticia likes girls and lefty is fascinated with hamsters. And virtual fire drills make no more sense than asking for a volunteer to clap out the erasers.
The there was the big decision of what college to attend. When you ask yourself would you rather attend a local college virtually or Los Angeles virtually. Because there's a big decision there, largely the accents of the students. You may get hotter students in L.A., but you'll never see them unless they speak up... like, wow. The University of Tokyo would be a blast, especially if you only speak English. The British institutions count double if you can understand the same language you already speak. Unfortunately, all the other students refer to you as Colonist. If you choose a Canadian university, no one will talk to you, for fear you're packing and will shoot someone. Virtually.
NPR news noted that Palestine was not happy with the UAE/Israel treaty, and was worried more nations would reach out to Israel. This is the first time a nation was worried more peace could break out.
SJW Sentences
This week, the Peaceful Demonstrators in Portland set fire to the Multnomah County building. Where COVID-fighting personal protection equipment is stored.
Chloe Clark, English professor at Iowa State University:
"GIANT WARNING: any instances of othering that you participate in intentionally (racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, [sic], sorophobia, transphobia, classism, mocking of mental health issues, body shaming, etc) in class are grounds for dismissal from the classroom," Clark's syllabus reportedly stated. She says that the same warning applies "for any papers/projects" as well, and tells students that any writing that goes against abortion, gay marriage, and Black Lives matter will not be allowed. "You cannot choose any topic that takes at its base that one side doesn't deserve the same basic human rights as you do (ie: no arguments against gay marriage, abortion, Black Lives Matter, etc). I take this seriously," the syllabus states
Dear Professor Clark: my paper will be on how All Lives Matter, and for extra credit, how everyone should be able to peacefully torch buildings.
It's wonderful that our language is ever-evolving. We now have sorophobia, fear of people with HIV/AIDS. I'm lobbying for coronaphobia.
Democrats see racism in GOP mispronunciations of 'Kamala'
also 'riot', 'looting' and 'good morning'
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| David Sedaris' books are highly recommended, regardless of politics. |
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