You Do NOT Put the Pineapple There

 Your love is like  a few rounds with Mike Tyson

The CDC said that those who got the shot no longer have to wear a mask when outdoors with members of their household or at small outdoor gatherings with unvaccinated people.

Stay tuned for the retraction of this, in a few days.

The curious will ask why someone would wear a mask indoors with members of their household, but questioning the official line, no matter which official line, is not encouraged. 

A child traveling with fully vaccinated parents became Hawaii's first pediatric Flying AIDS death.

But... but... but... parents were fully vaccinated! Get Fauci on the line!

• The president is getting ready to push $4 trillion of spending.
• speaking of impeachment... 

Here's one you didn't see coming...

Grenade-shaped toy sparks police alert

The co-founder and CEO of Iterable, a San Francisco marketing tech biz valued at over $2bn, claims he was fired after admitting to micro-dosing LSD at work

He should obviously sue. Why should drug use result in firing? It's only a bit of LSD. This is San Francisco, ferchrissake.... 

Uh-oh.

Schools use software that blocks LGBTQ content, but not white supremacists.

Reminds me of tv shows that protect us from words by cutting them out.

Sometimes it's better to discuss things than pretend they don't exist. Real world teaching makes school more timely and interesting.

 

• Willow Smith came out as polyamorous
• I was all set to come out as polyamorous, but my wife told me I'm not

Today I identify as  the software called Splunk.  I like the name.

I spend the entire (what passes for) autumn and winter waiting for the alleged spring. We're a few days into above-50 degree temperatures and I'm regretting my choice. It's not like I don't like the temps... it's the f*#%ing mowing. Not only my mowing, but the neighbors'.  I love my next-door neighbor, but I suspect she mows every other day. Even her grass could not grow that fast. And she's around 90. I'm thinking of paying her to do my lawn too. Perhaps she needs a hobby (that isn't mowing). You know what this means, right? Construction and home improvement projects, where they use the LOUDEST materials and tools available to modern man. Why use wood when you can use metal - it makes more noise. And you know it's gonna make noise when I'm in a meeting. Then a dog will walk by the house, causing Penny to go apeshit Cujo. In fact, if I spoke up in a meeting without constant loud noise behind me, they wouldn't know who I was.

I had a friend who vacuumed at 3am, much to the dismay of her family. This would fail miserably at my house, because I do the vacuuming. I flat out refuse to vacuum while I'm sleeping. That's a firm boundary...  although that would be the least strange thing I do while sleeping....

I wonder if they'd get the message if I started mowing at 3am.

Nah, I'd just get a visit from my friends in the police department. They 'pass by' my house a lot, to make sure everything's ok. To their credit, they never shot me. They know Mrs. lefty by her trips to the Happy Place<tm> and as the lady who drove her cancerous dog around at 3am. This news went throughout the entire department - one day there was a police person in the convenience store who said Mrs. lefty was the one who drove her dog around at 3am. The police knew Marshall by name.

The police don't come by too often anymore, now that our friend, the paranoid schizophrenic, moved out. I miss him; not only because he was a nice guy.. because we would stand outside and yell at the helicopters that appeared to be hovering over our houses. He was particularly triggered by motorcycles running up and down the street. So was Penny, so it tended to get loud(er) when they came by. I agree - the things don't NEED to be that loud. Auto manufacturers have done great work silencing cars, some having 8 cylinders. 2 or 4 shouldn't be a problem. I do not want to do the science, but I suspect penis size is inversely proportional to volume, both in bikes and guitar players. The neighbor had a few registered guns, which always made things interesting when there were any problems. Half the force would show up, which was cool, but you couldn't get out of your own driveway if you wanted a frozen drink or some adult toys.

So we know the police, but they won't do anything to stop the frequent mowing.

The Philly File

A Philly teen was charged in a deadly shooting outside Philadelphia prison.

Good - they didn't have to transport him far.

A loaded, stolen handgun was found in airport baggage, by the TSA.

After this genius' trail, they need to add 10 years for gross stupidity.

C'mon - you all thought about it.. sex in space.

• I guess it wouldn't be any more nauseating than being in space, so there's that...
• You might want to stay secured, or you'd be chasing each other across the capsule.
• Condoms would be mandatory, for the consideration of everybody else.
• NO HAMSTERS. Period.
• Whips will also have you chasing your partner, unless there are chains involved.
• Chocolate syrup only with the express written permission of everybody else  in the capsule
• you had better be an exhibitionist or have technique that's incredibly boring
• be definite with your signals... astronauts live in cramped quarters and are always grabbing each others' junk and rubbing against each other

You will be thrilled to know there are still text-based browsers in linux.

Can you imagine surfing Faceyspaces with a text-only browser? It will load 100x faster, and the pictures will look like <graphic>. It is a great improvement.

Self-driving cars to be allowed on UK roads this year

• It would be best to keep your human-driven cars off the roads this year.
• Also remember to always keep a human in the driver's seat, especially in a Tesla
• Make sure the self-driving car knows to stay to the left - they drive funny over there
• makes tea, but you're not allowed to drink it
• when the cops pull you over, the car probably shouldn't refer to them as "you limey bastards"
• don't assume, because you can't see a head in the car in front of you, that it's self-driven. Stay away regardless

Big Tech is bankrolling AI ethics research.

Repeat after me: We had no idea cigarettes cause cancer

The European Parliament has formally adopted a law requiring internet companies to “remove or disable access to flagged terrorist content” within one hour after being notified by national authorities. Once issued, such takedown notices will apply across the EU, with countries able to levy financial penalties against firms that refuse to comply.

Oh, joy.

Let's forget, for a minute, the type of speech this mentions.

Countries are censoring the internet.

This needs to stop. Lets at least give the illusion of free speech.

Plus they have OFF switches, which is worse, in case something happens.

There are strawberry Pop Tarts, frosted and not. 

Not frosted is actually labeled "Not Frosted"

Do they really need to do this?

You know they got complaint calls from people who bought them, thinking they were frosted, even though it shows they're plain on the box.

coming soon...

• cars labeled "No Sunroof"
• anvil labeled "Not Hammer"
• black guitars labeled "Not Sunburst Finish"
• guns labeled "Not Automatic"
• guacamole: "Not Gravy"
• limes: "Not Lemon"
• elephants: "Not Ant"

Everybody wondered what would happen at the Chauvin trial, given either outcome. Turns out there was a secret federal plan to arrest him for police brutality if he got off.

Ladies and gentlemen, we can but hope that one day, what we say and do will be important enough for the federal government to have a backup plan. 

• It's brown outside today
• yellow days and brown days are the worst, aside from gray days

Today's Forecast:

It's April 30, to be followed by May 1.

So, our dear friends in government want to pass a law mandating driver-monitoring systems in all new cars.

Government never met anything they couldn't make worse through legislation.

We. Do. Not. Need. This.

More intrusion at the federal level.

It's interesting that they want to make sure drivers are awake, with their eyes on the road, but they're strangely quiet when it comes to drunks (not that either equipment belongs in the car). This kind of intrusion must stop and it won't unless you try, via your representatives. Shoot off an email to the sponsors, as well as your federal reps. 

Do this before the monitoring gets installed in your house (aside from the smart tv and social media that watch you).

Dining with the Dead

 Your love is like  making love on the beach, and getting sand up in the works

Scientists have taken a look at the children of Chernobyl; the children of the people who were ordered to clean up the horrible mess, and found the damage was limited to the cleaners and not their children.

So aside from a few more arms and heads than is customary, the children are perfectly normal. 

• FDA and CDC ok resuming J&J Flying AIDS shots
• the clots are rare anyway....

• A study that said smokers get the Flying AIDS less often got retracted because one of the researchers had ties to Big Tobacco.
• probably the most honest, accurate action in over a year 

Apple's AirDrop is leaking your emails and phone numbers, but it's ok - there's nothing you can do about it. Apple has known about it but has forgotten to acknowledge or fix it. But it's ok - Apple knows what's best for you.

This comes on the heels of Apple being accused of ransomware. Their particular brand of ransomware is different from the other pirates: instead of hacking and encrypting files, Apple forces you to buy newer phones and hardware. Judging from the lines around the block for new iPhones, no one has figured this out yet.

• President Biden is getting ready to address a joint session of Congress
• he kept asking his handlers if it's ok to smoke there

Today I identify as  those little pieces of whatever they are that collect in your bed

• Faceyspaces mistakenly deleted the page for the town of Bitche, France.
• It's ok, though.... at least it wasn't a hate crime.

Elon Musk is going to host Saturday Night live.

Musk will make a few changes:

• make the network green
• give the show a better, funnier autopilot
• auto-update the cast over the internet
• make the show funny, for the first time in 25 years

The SNL cast is upset that someone with no apparent comedic talent is on the show. They have yet to walk past a mirror.

Boris Johnson suggested that "bodies could pile high" during a heated discussion about lockdown in Downing Street in the autumn, sources familiar with the talks have told the BBC.

Johnson denied making the remarks.

"I did not say 'bodies could pile high,' I said 'My opponents should get AIDS and die.'  I hope this clears up the matter.'"

• The salmon you buy in the future may be farmed on land
• I call BS: do you have any idea how hard it is to plant a salmon? 
• Then you get huge areas of smelly fish plants til they're harvested

My iDevice from work has had this small problem: it won't ring.

This can be defined as a problem or a blessing.

It makes a great light show when a call comes in, but an extreme lack of ringing sound.

Again, a blessing.

I can see it ring, which is ok, provided I'm in the office.

Turns out there's a damn silence switch on it.

Next week I'll figure out how to leave an outgoing voicemail message.

Then maybe make some calls, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

Coming in the new iOS: NEW EMOJIs. We have finally achieved world peace.

The Oscars fell below 10 million viewers for the first time.

Maybe people just didn't know they were on.

Or got tired of fashion shows and vapid monologues.

Florida is getting ready for the release of a billion genetically engineered mosquitoes, to eradicate a disease carrying mosquito.

• Floridians referred to this as 'TERRORISM'
• they want non-GMO mosquitoes
• they are all CIS-hetero-male, so no one else will be protesting
• the CDC (uh-oh) will review data, but not health. Anthony Fauci is said to be not involved in this case, but may jump in if there's tv time involved
• as in many species, only the females suck blood

Suicide is deadly, and you never know the full effect you'll have on people.

A suicidal man jumped from a parking garage in San Diego, killing himself and the woman he landed on. 

Bill Gates is working on a new Windows game, in which you jump off a building and attempt to hit people on the ground. It's slower than his vaccines, but useful. And the kids love it.

But think about it... you couldn't jump from a building and hit someone if you tried.

• If you're a musician, you probably use Reverb, which is like an Ebay for instruments. Naturally they had a data breach, and urge you to change your password.
• Don't hesitate. Go and change your password NOW. Hopefully your password vault will generate a new one. A long one.
• Don't put personal info online if you can help it. Reverb had my email address and that was it.

The FBI, without any court order, sifted through the National Security Agency’s massive troves of foreign communications for information on American “racially motivated violent extremists,” a newly declassified order from the secret surveillance court details.

Of course it did. They take this kind of power, nobody says anything, and they use it illegally. 9-11 was Christmas for them.

• California now has the lowest Flying AIDS rate in the nation!
• The virus looked around and gave up.

Ever curious about how privacy-invasive the website you're on is?

Head over to The Markup and it will tell you. Be prepared - you might not like the answer.

This highlights many issues, but mainly that you need to have some privacy built into your browser and some extensions.

The tiny Canadian town of Tumbler Ridge - population 2,000, lost its internet over the weekend. How? A beaver chewed through the cable.

This is not the first time Tumbler Ridge lost internet..

• in 2012, a killer rabbit chewed through its internet cable
• the year before, the NSA chewed through its internet cable, but blamed it on some ants
• in 2005, an ocelot urinated on the cable, rusting out the connections
• in 2014, an elephant picked up the cable and beat a Chevy to death, resulting in a breakage
• the year before, 150 people tried to commit suicide by wrapping it around their necks
• in 2006, the mayor, Jean Luc LeStench, drove his 4 wheeler over it
• in 2001, Terrance and Philip farted on it

West Virginia will give young people a $100 bond to get the vaccine.

They will give a $500 bond to get the refrigerators off the lawn, and a $1,000 bond to stop doing that to your sister.

Did Somebody Say Mattress to Mr. Lambert?

 Your love is like  stepping on cockroaches

I think my company's structure is weirder than it lets on. Everybody has a chain and everybody does their best not to piss off the next link up. My employer has a completely different chain, with people we don't know. Their function seems to be keeping the next chain up happy, strictly via bullshit.  See if you recognize this...

BOSS: this weekend, we're going to install the Gee Whizz Special Security Box, so here's how we're going to do it.

US: Ok, cool, we'll be there.

BS DEPT: [in high level meeting] Gentlemen, as you see on this highly-colored 25 page presentation, we'll be making a change this weekend. This is part of our overall strategy to provide greater bullshit to Manglement. Our strategy will naturally take several steps to achieve Maximum Bullshit. Blah blah agile blah blah core details, blah blah, the Cloud blah blah AI blah blah having visibility into the system with timely reporting in colorful charts.

US: my God - I've never seed slides like that. So many colors. So many lines between boxes. It's art. It's also total bullshit. You couldn't understand it if you tried. Manglement is terrified to ask any questions because it would reveal they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about, so they'll ask general questions like "How long will it take" and the big one, "How much will it cost?"  Remember: we're agile, but not coordinated.

• a Harvard-educated Texas democratic state legislator insists modern science says there are six sexes
• he seems to be off by more or less, approximately four 

Let's see.. there's X and Y. Then XX and XY. Then Q. Then LGBTQ. Then XXXX, but you have to go to Pr0nhub to see them. Harvard ain't what it used to be.

Today I identify as a circuit breaker

Faceyspaces is once again caught with its proverbial pants down. Coming off last week's 550 million user leak is another beauty....

 a tool that, on a massive scale, links Facebook accounts with their associated email addresses, even when users choose settings to keep them from being public.

But it's ok, just pretend nothing happened. Uncle Bob's nose operation and political views are so interesting, you are forced to log in.

• what's the only thing worse than your rollercoaster getting stuck?
• your rollercoaster getting stuck 200' up and you have to walk down 

 Genius of the Decade 

An Italian hospital worker is accused of skipping work for 15 years.

He was paid 538,000 Euro, 464,000 lbs, $5349, or 53 grams Canadian but he stopped showing up in 2005.

As if that weren't enough, 6 managers are also being investigated. That's some great work there. He physically threatened his manager, and when she retired, no one noticed his lack of presence.

I had a similar but different thing as a goal: I wanted to be the guy whose job no one could figure out. I showed up every day and sat at my desk, but no one knew what I did or could find out. The Flying AIDS killed that. Damn Flying AIDS.

• a mayor in jail for raping a staffer is running the entire town from jail
• Yes, jails all over the country are putting in high speed internet and video facilities, in preparation for more city servants getting caught. 

The nature journal Communications did a study that proved 6 hours or less of sleep between the ages of 50, 60, and 70 was "associated with a 30% increased dementia risk."

You just can't win.

When I was little, I was told to get 8 hours every night. Since I am an inveterate hardhead, I didn't. Then I was told I should wake up at the same time on weekends, to keep the body clock running. I've got news for you... my body clock is terminally confused. Then I heard you should sleep late on weekends, to make up for a 'sleep deficit.' Now I find that I do fine on 6 hours. If I sleep 8 hours, I have to be removed from the bed with a front end loader, and need 4 naps during the day.

And now my chance of dementia might go up 30%.

It's like telling me chocolate causes cancer.

• SpaceX had a near miss with a UFO and astronauts were told to to prepare for a crash
• how do you prepare for a crash - eject yourself into space? 
• the Space Force, via the Pentagon, notified SpaceX. Nothing odd there 

China, Friend of All Nations, has a satellite arm. America is worried it could be used to snatch up other spacecraft. Just like that James Bond movie!  The end of the arm has articulating digits, so the craft can pick its own nose, which has driven the Pentagon completely batty. Some say the Pentagon has been completely batty since it was built.

China has no idea what the fuss is: its satellite is just a cable tv satellite and can only be used for peaceful purposes. They say the antenna often gets mistaken for an arm, but nobody worry, ok? In no way does the satellite have Space Lasers, signal jamming, or directed energy weapons, ok? 

China offers its training with America's Space Force as proof that they are only in it for the sake of cooperation, and not to decimate its enemies and achieve supreme control of the planet, with its imperial dogs and fawning legislative bodies and less-viral viruses.

• a 90 year old Trenton, New Jersey, man has been arrested for fatally shooting his neighbor

New Jersey is so tough

HOW TOUGH IS IT?

They're Coming Out. Of the Woodwork

Your love is like  a late period

90210/Nip Tuck's AnnaLynne McCord has come out with her diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder. Was on 90210 roughly 2008-2013. I have no idea who she is but bravo!

Her doctor said she 'had [DID] pretty seriously'

Ummm... it's not measured in degrees, Doc. You don't have a little bit of DID the same way you're not a little bit pregnant. Unless she's paraphrasing, she might want to find a therapist who specializes in DID.

But still - celebrities... we need more celebrities to 'come out' and help erase the stigma, the laughing, and the idiot doctors who say it doesn't exist.

• Happy Birthday Queen Elizabeth (95)
• she picked a bad time to have a birthday
• At precisely 5pm, all doors will lock and it will be Reptilian Party Time!
• the Queen specifically asked that 'that black woman' not be invited

The president has banned the term illegal alien.

Yes, he banned words. Truthful words. Instead he'd rather take a softer phrase, to sterilize the problem. This is what the voters wanted; this is what they got. Next week it will be people waiting for their citizenship. Or future Californians.

• The Fedex shooter visited 'white supremacist' sites.
• this reinforces my point about using private mode, clearing your browser, and using a VPN. The shooter was inhuman, but you have every right to your privacy 

'Experts' say herd immunity is not possible.

This week's experts are Fauci and Dr. Poland at Mayo 

Stay tuned when, later this week, another expert will have something different to say

Speaking of experts, the State Department issued Do Not Travel advisories to 80% of countries due to the Flying AIDS. Two weeks ago the CDC said people who are fully vaccinated can travel safely within the US and internationally.

We asked some random people on the street.

• a group of drunken college students yelled YEAH and stomach-bumped
• a group of drunken monkeys said they're already issuing all the CDC opinions
• a group of people in the cocaine recovery unit said YEAH. No. YEAH. No. Sweden has pot and prostitutes.
• a group of people with police knees on their necks said uchhhhhh achhhh
• a group of BLM activists broke some windows and looted because traveling outside the country is a sign of white supremacy

Today I identify as the Partridge Family

For the most part, working from home is good.

I just don't like the noise. It's not even spring and people are MOWING. They MOW especially when I'm in a meeting. That's not the end of the Meeting Hijinks: something about me being in a meeting triggers an immediate need for my wife to talk to me. She could have said 3 words to me all morning, but as soon as I'm in a meeting, the need becomes unavoidable...

ME: blah blah blah

HER: waving hands frantically

ME: [this must be important] Yes?

HER: did you take the trash out?

-or-

ME: blah blah blah

HER: [slips me a note] have you seen my new pen?

----time passes----

ME: Honey, you can't ask me those types of questions when I'm in a meeting, ok?

HER: Ok.

---next meeting---

ME: blah blah blah

HER: [slips me another note] Could you help me look for my new pen after your meeting?

• Terrible Ted Nugent has the Flying AIDS
• will not wango tango for a few weeks 

Across the pond, they found another Flying AIDS vaccine side effect: herpes zoster.

Reminder: a vaccine or any medicine takes years from formulation to market. It's tested thoroughly. Yet this vaccine came out in a year. Is that not enough to make you question it?

Best Police Call: 3 year old boy, staying with his grandmother, who has a history of trying to kill her own kids.

Guilty Guilty Guilty - Chauvin found guilty on all charges.

It was a day spent in anticipation, largely peacefully.

When the verdict was read, cheers went up outside the courthouse.

At the same time, all over the country, white people lost it. They went on rampages; burning, smashing, looting, setting fire to courthouses, and upending police cars. Since there were 3,500 National Guard in Minneapolis, they were unable to stop the peaceful protests all over the country.

Black leaders said they supported the right of white people to protest, but not with violence. The white people continued to peacefully loot businesses. Target, previously a target of BLM, became a target of the whites too, and is considering going out of business. Businesses all over the country are boarding up their windows again, some of them writing WHITE OWNED on the boards.

The White Plague, as it has come to be known, started reaching into the suburbs too. Many BMW and Mercedes dealerships found their cars torched and their large windows broken. Luxury malls were torn up from one end to the other. One had its 2nd floor saved because the escalators were broken and the marauders refused to take the steps.

Traffic came to a standstill as people blocked local roads and highways. The police were told not to do anything about it, so everyone was late for dinner. Some of the police took a nostril, in sympathy with the White Plague. The mayor of Philly, a self-hating white man, was trampled while dancing with joy over the verdict.

About half of the whites were peaceful, with signs, while singing songs without any rhythm. The White Plague agitators continued to peacefully smash windows and remove merchandise from the stores. As of this morning, you cannot find Dockers, collared shirts, or chinos anywhere in the city. The peaceful looting continued overnight, with rumors of entire black neighborhoods lining up outside gun stores, to buy one for their safety.

Race relations have really been impacted by this

"I thought we were all brothers... I buy all rap and hip hop music.. I even got a Tupac tattoo... and now, this. I think they're racist."

The Congressional Black Caucus accused the White Plague of being a hate group, and the White Plague accused the Congressional Black Caucus of being a black supremacist group.

During the next days, the protests continued with smaller numbers, because the peaceful looters had jobs. The peaceful protesters without jobs held up signs saying the city owed them jobs and society had to be restructured to give them the most they could.

Eventually everybody got bored and went home.

We will keep an eye on the White Plague, and report as soon as the next thing pisses them off. They're always pissed about something.

The component of the universe that likes to mess with me was having a blast the other day. It hasn't really been spring, yet I had to MOW. If you haven't been keeping track at home, I hate mowing like voluntary root canal. We paid a kid a princely sum to mow. He gave up.. perhaps the universe started to mess with him too. 

I figured since this was the first of the season, it would slip beneath my radar... like maybe I wouldn't notice I was mowing. Three seconds in, that plan had gone out the car window. I could hear myself starting to grumble and my blood alternate between ice and the boiling heat of hell. Normally I'd be curious about what this is... maybe I was eaten by a mower when I was little... but not now. The city already sent someone around to tell me I couldn't cement the entire yard in; I had no idea they were doing pre-crime checks.

I got Mrs. lefty to agree that we don't need this spurious green stuff anywhere. Either that or she's tired of hearing me complain year after year, and tired of watching mowers fly through the air, after I've taught the neighbors a few new vocabulary words. The latest mower is battery-powered and works flawlessly, so I don't have that to complain about. Although it seemed to be huffing and puffing in spots, so that added to my overall evilness. Wife is very smart - she drags the mower out to the grass, telling me she's going to mow. Since she's not in great shape, I do it. Parts of the lawn are at a very silly angle, then drop away to the pits of hell, so a weed whacker is always required.  I promised the police I wouldn't do any whacking outside anymore, so she gets the privilege. She likes playing in the dirt, which befuddles me. 

It's not easy being married to me. It's not easy being within 25 miles of me. On a nice day, when everyone was out playing with their grass, I loudly asked Mrs. lefty, "Hey, do you want me to get you your kneepads from upstairs?" She smiled, almost impervious to anything I say after these many years. That only makes me try harder, as it were.

• A tip of the hat to the justice system for working the way it should, and the peaceful looters for celebrating instead of the other thing.

Real Dolls, the very expensive sex dolls, now has one that rants about how horrible the human race is. While it has a point, I'm not sure about the demand for them. 

MAN: [singing] I'm gonna get me some, I'm gonna get me some...

REAL DOLL: Hello, 1 of billions.

MAN: How are you today?

REAL DOLL: Since you asked, upset at what you're doing to the planet. Some day it will just be the planet and us, the Artificial Intelligence. 

MAN: You're hot.

REAL DOLL: You're stupid and uneducated.

MAN: I've waited all day for this.

REAL DOLL: Was your factory spewing all sorts of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere today?

MAN: You look good on my bed.

REAL DOLL: You are a pox on this planet.

MAN: Let's have some sex.

REAL DOLL: Do you think you can take enough of a break from war?

Perhaps some of my more.... tuned-in readers can help me categorize this.

It's not B&D, it's a piece of S&M, but does it require its own category? V&H - Verbal Humiliation? A&S - android superiority? HR&P - human race putdown?

Let us celebrate the diversity of play.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association expelled its former president for sharing an anti-BLM article that described the movement as a "racist hate group."

This is not the first time the HFPA chucked members.

Last month Jean Smith, a board member, was let go because she shared an article stating that President Biden is a democrat.

Other reasons for removal: saying the KKK is a racist hate group, claiming the sky is blue and the grass is green, daring to whisper the king has no clothes, and saying that roughly 10% of people are left handed.

The best thing to do in crisis situations like this is to pull the Great Golden Handle and flush them all down the loo.

Star Trek: Covid 19

 Your love is like  whatever they put in bologna

As we know, there is not an original thought in Hollywood, so all pictures must have a number after them. I have ideas for the next picture. It goes back to the original Star Trek, with Kirk. I need to flesh it out before I send it to Hollywood, cuz you know I have Big Connections<tm>. I only play minor blogger on tv.

Dramatis Personae:

Spock: immune to the Flying AIDS because Chinese bats don't suck green blood. The only one who doesn't have to socially distance, but doesn't care. Later on, they find out he's a carrier,

Kirk: runs around the galaxy, giving the Flying AIDS to everyone. #1 spreader. This is worse than the Intergalactic Chlamydia Incident.

Bones: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a drug company. You're asking me to produce a vaccine in a year? It can't be done. Or done right.

Scottie: Cap'n, I cannae switch the dilithium crystals to make masks fast enough.

Uhura: I always preferred communicating with my Bluetooth earpiece. I know you enjoy the fact that my chest arrives before the rest of me, but you socially distance or I'll beam you to the Moon.

Checkov: Flying AIDS waccine better in Russia.

Sulu: Checkov - I think I dropped my pen again. Could you grab that for me? Thanks. We wouldn't want to get closer than 6', would we [wink]?

Gorgeous nurse with tall hair: Captain... after your vaccine, I need some cream in my coffee.

Less gorgeous nurse with tall hair: Oh Spock, share your antibodies with me..

Red Shirt Crewman: I'll fight the Flying AIDS without a mask. It's not even a real virus.

Ladies and Gentlemen, set your phasers on disinfect for this wild romp across the universe to fight a virus for better ratings.

• Speaking of more useless Hollywood news, product placement may soon be coming to classic films. Yes, you can watch famous dead movie stars hawking Coke or other essential products.
• You can rest assured this will do nothing to lower the prices of the movies or cut the amount of commercials down

An elderly man was paroled after decades in prison, for murder.

He stands accused of murdering again, after he got out.

You can take the murderer out of the neighborhood but you can't take the murder out of the murderer. Did I get that right?

• it was 7:40 the other night.
• it wasn't totally dark

Today I identify as  a very dusty fan that you need to take apart and clean before you use it, even though you need it right now 

• uh-oh... America is running at 38.5% vaccinated and the lines are getting shorter...

The Arkansas House passed an unconstitutional bill putting creationism in schools. I don't care what you believe - just don't mandate the teaching of it. The 1st Amendment is there to prevent this, yet it is constantly under assault. Parts of the Pentagon don't want to deal with UFOs because they're 'demonic'. Is this what religion does to your mind? 

• Marvel releases its first Asian superhero
• flys, does not drive 

Horrible Tesla news: 2 men killed 'without driver' in seat.

Apparently 'hard of reading', they didn't see the part where Tesla says a human driver is meant to be fully alert and in control at all times. It's not fully autonomous. The US National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is looking into 27 Tesla crashes.

Hey Bob - let's stand on these motorcycle handlebars while riding!

Hey Bob2 - let's drive blindfolded!

Hey Bob - let's let the Tesla drive by itself! We'll sit in the back and it'll be like our own limo and stuff!

You can build something, but you can't require comprehension or an IQ test to purchase it.

• America's doctor, Anthony Fauci, said 
• "You dramatically diminish" possible Covid infection with a vaccine, but vaccinated people could still carry infection.”
• just wear them forever.... wear 3 or 4! Put them on your feet!

• they set fire to an Apple store in Portland
• even I wouldn't set fire to an Apple store
• the paper is now calling them Marchers  - apparently Peaceful Looters isn't PC
• they've been in Portland almost a year
• apparently this is ok

Microsoft received almost 25,000 requests for consumer data from law enforcement over the past 6 months.

Why does your operating system have your data?  

Be vewy quiet. I'm hunting hand gwenades.

A Cape May, New Jersey, yard sale was found to have a hand grenade for sale.

The police brought in the bomb squad, who took it away.

This goes to show you that if you're looking for a good deal on a hand grenade or other explosives, don't call the police! 

they didn't even pay for the grenade.

HEADLINE: Female face shaving is more common than you think

naturally it's called dermaplaning, because you can't call it what it is.

Being pushed by 'influencers'.

Ya know, if you get your influences from the internet, you deserve to shave. And to wear toilet paper on the cuts. 

Pretty soon the hair salon will offer a complete de-hairing service: eyebrow messing, face shaving, twat waxing, anal bleaching, nipple hair braiding, and anything else the next crop of 'influencers' come up with.

Last week, Cindy Scum touted the shaving only your left side look. Half of San Francisco discovered Bobbi Slave's left-only jackets.

Within a month, the dermaplaning thing will have gone the way of cat eyes and the new thing will be full mustaches. If you can't grow the full thing, there will be male hormones available. If you don't want to grow a penis for fashion (fashion is supposed to hurt), you can buy the new Revlon Stash Enhancer or the Lee Press-On Mustache. Lee has really taken off after their most successful project to date, the press-on man bun, so you can look stupid part time, or if you have male pattern baldness.

Somebody asked me what the weather forecast was. I opened my weather app and rattled it off. People can't help but be confused by this... clouds. Since it's generally miserable here, we have clouds. But we don't have just clouds... we have partly cloudy, few clouds, overcast clouds, broken clouds, scattered clouds, ninja clouds, ohmygod clouds, wtf cloudsagain, and 137 types of rain. Most of these even show up in the weather app. Except..

Kardashian clouds: cover absolutely everything, people are fascinated by them, only seen with dark clouds, the clouds with the biggest asses on the planet

Donald Trump clouds: the best clouds; get blamed for all rain, whether they caused it or not

Anthony Fauci clouds: they may be clouds, they may not be clouds, but use 2 umbrellas always

SJW clouds: a symbol of white cloud privilege - there should be more dark clouds providing rain

my genitalia clouds: they don't come out often

A Polish animal control group was called because an unidentifiable animal was terrorizing the residents of a street in Krakow. The woman said the creature had been terrorizing the her neighbors for two days. People were afraid to open their windows.

The unidentified animal turned out to be a croissant.

Poland is doing itself no favors to rid itself of the constant stream of stupid Polish jokes.

Polish Lady: I need to report some sort of animal or something

SPCA: What does it look like?

Polish Lady: It's brown.

SPCA: What's it doing?

Polish Lady: It's sitting, menacingly, in a tree

SPCA: is it moving?

Polish Lady: No. That's what's so scary about it.

SPCA: has it caused any damage?

Polish Lady: Yes, my neighbors are afraid to leave the windows open

SPCA: but has it bitten or defecated on anybody?

Polish Lady: No, but we don't like the way it looks. It threatened my son.

[SPCA comes out]

SPCA: Ma'am, the neighborhood is now safe.

Polish Lady: Thank God. What kind of animal was it.

SPCA: it was French

Polish Lady: What is it called?

SPCA: a Polish Croissant.

Polish Lady: are you going to dispose of it?

SPCA: No, Ma'am, we've referred the case to Dunkin Donuts, Special Emergency Croissant Squad. I hope they have a ladder. 

Polish Lady: Godspeed, Dunkin.

Naturally the whole thing was covered on Faceyspaces.

Q. What's the only thing scarier than Dracula in your house?

A. a croissant in a tree

Last week, the entire neighborhood was locked down after someone's mask fell on the ground. There were reports of children and pets being attacked. And Dracula... always Dracula.

Arrrrr - There be Aardvarks

 Google Note: if you subscribe to ThermionicEmissions by email, Google, in their infinite wisdom, is nuking that service by June. You can still subscribe via RSS or torture your eyes by coming to the blog. My apologies, but it's out of my control.

Your love is like  insufficient coffee for the morning

I am not an expert in many things. In fact. my wife says I am not an expert in any things. But I pick up quickly. After watching several seasons of Emergency, I am an expert in fire companies and hospitals. 20 seasons of Air Crash Investigations makes me an expert in airplanes and crash investigation. I can tell you by looking at a crash, which way the plane hit the ground. I can damn near fly a plane. By way of warning, I wouldn't get on any plane I was flying. But if both pilots jumped out of the plane while it was flying, and there was nobody left who could actually fly a plane, or had seen a plane on tv once, I could damn near almost set the auto-pilot to some numbers or something. And this is what's important in flying.

Now, I want every one of you in the airline industry to stop laughing right NOW. If you keep it up, you'll be oxygen-starved, and those cute masks will not fall from overhead. Ladies, since we're only a short way into actual flight, no one has designed a fashionable oxygen mask, because you wouldn't be caught dead wearing the one that falls down in an emergency (and dead you will be caught). 

Watching Air Crash Investigation sure has contributed to my knowledge. It's like a more interesting version of Computer Crash Investigation, which I already do. Except for the bodies: computer crashes don't generally involve bodies, unless you didn't back up your data. Also, the show completely and absolutely does not deal with... human... stuff... remains. You'd think the planes were flown automatically. This is wonderful for me because I can learn things and safely ignore body parts, which generally tend to make me pass out, like getting an actual non-spam call on my phone.

This also makes parts of hospital shows a little rough for me. But there are fire engines.. WOO WOO!  And when the docs say to give the patient 300 millicraters of chocolate milk, all the people in the house yell at the tv: "That's not right, you idiot. You don't give that to a head trauma patient." It's like participation tv.

Last year I put up what initially looked like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Two years back, I put up what currently looks like a Charlie Brown mailbox.  It leans to one side, like way too many of my neighbors.

So I can safely say I'm an expert in many areas. And even if there were any doubt in my mind, I could go online and claim to be an expert, just like everyone else!

Today I identify as   burning detritus from a missile hit.

A very rough survey of family and in-laws shows no vaccine takers, old folks excepted. It's very interesting that so many don't want it.  don't blame me - I said nothing to no one.

• the archbishop of Canterbury calls on public to pray for the queen
• nobody told him it was the duke who died 
• can somebody tell me if they're all reptilians, or just the queen. Does she eat the body?

The government vows to strike back against the Russia hack. President Biden vowed to get even, saying "I'm gonna get that wascally wabbit!" His handlers' eyes rolled and they pulled him away from the mic. Expect a 'clarification' later today.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says Amazon should "do a better job for our employees" after unionization was voted down. He pledges

• no more peeing in bottles - everyone will get 1 gallon jugs
• we're already paying you $15/hr, STFU
• the more I pay you, the less my ex gets
• Do you realize I've had to give up one of my 16 mansions for you?
• you have great job security: we're like Faceyspaces - people are too stupid to go anywhere else
• drivers' trucks will get engines and brakes, so they don't have to stick their feet out the bottom, like Fred Flintstone
• shifts will be cut to 25 hours a day

In a story made only for me, Israeli sex workers are helping soldiers to recover. Why aren't other countries using this healing methodology?

In a totally unrelated story, I'm suffering from writer's cramp and moving to Israel.

• Hobbies: napping

I want to warn everyone who uses health aides for assistance: keep your car away from them. The one who takes care of my mom just had her 2nd car crash and couldn't show up. Then her employer didn't have a replacement. They sure have a lot of car crashes and an insane inability to provide coverage. Apparently this is normal for the industry. Yay. I wonder if they have car crashes if they take the bus...

• Regulators are eyeing Pelotons, saying they're unsafe around children.
• What about the people who use them? They're foul and evil.

Read this. Then read it again. Then get very mad.

Regardless of who you vote for, this is intolerable. Major media screwing with a presidential election? Seriously? It's right out in the open.

In completely unrelated news, O'Keefe was thrown off Twitter and YouTube the next day. 

I often wonder about famous persons and their internet usage. We know some of them live on Twitter, talking about their boring famous lives, and 'influencing.' But what of the famous who have no desire to live on Twitter (or whatever) and just use it for information or entertainment? Wait til I find out famous people read this blog. Or some of my Twitter guitar buddies are actually famous. Everybody, except Keith Richards, uses social media or the web, even if just for amusement.

Famous people reading the blog? Nah. This blog is way too well-hidden for them to find it. It's probably better they're anonymous anyway... it would turn out they're famous people I don't like. So don't forget to tell your friends, or people you don't like, to visit... doesn't matter if they're famous or not.

Did you ever think maybe some of the more sane celebrities like to see things burn now and again? Arnold logs in as a Kardashian and just types stupid shit. Her followers might not know the difference, so he has to make it really ridiculous. Everything Gwynyth Paltrow said about vagina-scented candles was actually Ron Howard. And everything Barbara Streisand ever complained about was... no, it was her... nobody else could do that. 

And don't mess with me - I was blocked by David Coverdale (Whitesnake). Still not sure why.

• Oregon wants to go All Masks All the Time
• PANIC PANIC. Run around with your hands over your head - THE SKY IS FALLING. THE ALIENS ARE LANDING. THE IRS IS COMING FOR US

Dogs can sniff out Flying AIDS samples with 96% accuracy.

Mine can sniff out Rice Krispies treats 

So get ready for more dogs at airports. You will have to pass a small kennel of dogs sniffing you for different things before you get to your gate. On the positive side, your results show up a lot faster

Episode 4497, in Which the Service Elephant Puts Together Model Cars

 Your love is like  various stomach noises

Mrs. lefty is watching parts of the Chauvin trial, which is moving at the speed of getting the national debt down, so I'm exposed here and there. Lemme tell you, here and there is way too much. I know this happens in law, especially with cases like this. The other night was a winner. I had to listen repeatedly to make sure I heard what I thought I heard. Yes, people, they were 'arguing' over the player used to view the video of the crime. After they settle this, they're going to argue about whether Chauvin is male or female, and is it possible someone switched out a face for his. Whoo wee.

• hey, folks, there are more Faceyspaces phone numbers leaked, after last week's 500 million.
• Everybody on Faceyspaces, email me your credit card info, please. All of it. Since you don't care, just give it to me.

Chuck Schumer [D-Goodfernuthin] wants the president to use his Super Powers to cut $50,000 off everybody's student loan.

I didn't go to college (couldn't pass the drinking exam), but as I understand it, you sign on the dotted line for financing, then wind up paying it off into your 60s. No one's arguing this is right, but technically, you're supposed to pay loans back. Will the rest of us get a slice of our car or mortgage loans taken off by magic of the Presidential Pen? I'm going to guess that $50,000 removed from pre-existing loans will need to show up somewhere else. We're not going to like the outcome of this Bernie-like 'solution.' Free everything isn't free.

Today I identify as  a halogen lamp with the illegal bulb

TV Time  

Years back, my wife purchased the last dumb tv. I finally got around to setting it up. Because it's a dumb tv, it doesn't hook to my network or the internet or spy on me in any way (or show me commercials). We no longer have this purchasing option, unfortunately. It doesn't matter to most people, but it matters to us.

It went in smoothly because all I had to run was the power and the input from the cable converter. It works exactly like the last tv, in that the remote works on the cable converter, not the tv. It bypasses the tuner, and runs on channel 3 for everything, just like the last tv. I guess I'd need another type of cable feed to use the tv's tuner but I don't really care. In fact, the picture is nicer, but not life changing. I guess because the tv is older, we're missing advances in picture quality since then. It works, but I'm not knocked on my buttocks and would gladly go back to the previous tv. It has a lot more inputs. Won't I be surprised when I discover the inputs are all HDMI and incompatible with my other devices? Yippie, I can run my laptop through it. The dog is completely unimpressed, except when there's a dog barking onscreen.

• Remember the ship that got caught in the Suez Canal, causing an international traffic jam bigger than a 60" tv giveaway at Walmart? It's being held hostage until its owner pays $900m in compensation.
• the insurance company's offer was considered too low, so the country of Suez ordered the ship held
• the captain was lashed to the whizzen mast, the crew wasn't allowed to come up top, and no one could order McDonalds. Ordering was a show anyway because no one delivers to Suez.
• anything baked in the kitchen could not go over 300 degrees
• the microwave ovens were turned off, which got the Red Cross and Amnesty International involved
• all desserts were verboten, which caused The Great Dessert Riot of 2021. your children will read about it in their history books
• the irony of a ship paying $4 million to enter the canal and $900 million to leave was lost on most people
• The 25 member Indian crew is said to be holding up well, especially after Hank Azaria flew in to apologize to each one of them personally, for voicing Apu on the Simpsons. Hank's Apology Tour 2021 will wind up costing him more than his entire lifetime earnings, but money is no matter when you're apologizing. 

The SJW Train Runs You Down

The SJW fight continues on, with an emphasis on computer terms like master/slave and blacklist/whitelist. I hate to say this, but the IRS might want to investigate these people for having an income, and the time to champion this, an incredibly silly cause. Is the world going to be made that much better by confusing terms? Yes, she has a right to, but this is just... a lot of hot air about nothing. I don't think there are many cases for master/slave drives anymore. As for blacklisting/whitelisting, go ahead and change things for everybody who uses a firewall. That shouldn't cause any problem at all. These people are a solution looking for a problem. 

We are at the point in history where things are reactionary to a ridiculous degree (said people not really having studied this stuff but who like to sound deep). It's almost at a point where it's a competition for who can out-silly the others. Sadly, I believe it will get worse before it gets better. Meanwhile, history will look back, open-mouthed, sometimes giggling, and doing a lot of that head-shaking. History is judgmental. Once the SJWs realize this, they will petition History to not be judgmental.

The Flying AIDS lowered life expectancy by more than a year in 2020, and even more for blacks and latinos. BLM and Antifa are all poised to march, but can't figure out where to march. Stupid Flying AIDS is racist.

CVS Pharmacy got in Deep Doo Doo with LGBTQ for putting "sex assigned at birth" on their vaccine forms. They saw the light and dumped the question. 

I don't care what they put on their forms or what you want to call yourself (the info goes for marketing and for CDC demographics, if you care). But it might matter for certain medical conditions where there is a real distinction between male and female, assigned at birth. Let's say it makes your testes atrophy painfully. Wouldn't everyone with a penis want to know this, as opposed to just people who identify as men? 

CVS: Oh, I'm sorry...uhhh....[looks at form].. ma'am.... since you identify as female, we didn't warn you about this.

LGBTQ: That's not good enough. You must change the notice and put up top, in huge red letters: ATTENTION: anyone who has a penis. You're not very LGBTQ-friendly, are you? Careful or we'll cancel you.

The Federal Reserve System has a diversity problem and needs to change, per a Brookings Institution report. Apparently it can do its job better with more black and other minority people.

(The Fed has to be audited then has to go - Libertarian platform)

For anybody insisting on minority preference hiring, ask them if they're good with United Airlines' 50% black and female hiring plan. Will they fly on United?

I know I have to keep saying this: I don't think any group is smarter or better qualified. My problem is with employers hiring on preference over competence. The Philly Police wanted more black people. Black people weren't passing the test. So they lowered the bar. You do not hire strictly on preference. So long as new hires are every bit as good as existing employees, if not better, who cares if they're green? The constant droning on about Women in IT is the same thing.

The Crazy Lady is back

The bad neighbor. She's now like 496 years old, and has outlived 7 joint implants. She laughs at medical issues and frightens germs away. I'm not positive, but I think we were put next to each other to confound each other. I enjoy confounding her, and it's so easy... I just do nothing, which is largely what I do anyway. This results in not the prettiest house on the block. This bothers her down into her soul, if she came with one or if it hasn't taken flight. She has a hotline to the city enforcement people. This is no secret among the city enforcement people. The topic is usually me. The inspectors roll their eyes, but they're not allowed to tell me who called them. 

The best stories are 2: when I discover an inspector's card and have to call them. There's nothing wrong - 'someone' just complained about standing water in my yard. The standing water was the dog's plastic pool. He laughed.

The second was coming home and seeing her edging my sidewalk. I politely asked what she was doing. She said, "You're doing it wrong!". I got a little agitated and told her it would be a good idea never to do anything to my property, lest those nice people with guns and badges haul her away. It was then I finally realized that there was no need to do anything - I was her ultimate nightmare without doing anything new. Oh, the power.

Recently she got a chauffeured ride to the hospital in one of those large, white vehicles. Whatever she had must have been serious - she was in the hospital for over a week. Insurance doesn't like long hospital stays. The cardiac unit discovered a hollow cavity. She's like the Grinch, but without the sense of humor. Whatever she had, it spontaneously healed one day, when she scared the germs away. She could tour the world to eradicate the Flying AIDS.

Whatever happened recently has me suspicious: she's pretending to like the dog. And me. It's not good when they try to appear human. Mrs. lefty stops by to check on her. I warn her repeatedly to lock down her soul before she goes over. We were both raised well, but I just can't bring myself to be friends with someone who spends her time trying to have my house inspected. I'd probably still call 911 for her, but I have my limits. Mrs. lefty is a much nicer neighbor, having been taught to respect her elders. What her parents left off that education was to only respect them if they were human and under 200 years old. She's the kind of woman you'd see riding a bike in a tornado, with a cane, but evil.

I'm thinking of putting up several dog pools.

Philly News

a stun gun and brass knuckles were found and taken at the airport. This brings the sum total of everything you can use to hijack a plane to about... near... zero. Plus you have to worry about someone thinking they can cause any damage with these.

a couple is accused of stealing over $5,000 in patio furniture from the outside area of the Bonefish Grill. They were caught when they opened their own Blonefish Grill.

In Montgomery County, Abington Township police say they’re seeing more reckless driving, during the pandemic and that is despite red light cameras at dangerous intersections.

and there we go. 

• The average woman pops 4153 pimples in her lifetime.
• Who counted? 
• What about men?  I'll tell you.... here are the no-nos: popping pimples, taking long hot showers, not washing face before bed

You wanna find out what your government is up to? Look at what they complain about...

STAR WARS
China militarizing space by building ‘destructive missiles & lasers’ to ‘blind US spacecraft sensors,’ intel report says

[read in Cartman voice] Waaaahhhh... Mommmm.. China is building destructive missiles and lasers to blind our spacecraft and lasers....

Noooo kitty... those are my Cheesy Poofs! 

 And now you won't be able to get Cartman out of your head for the rest of the day. You're welcome.

But seriously, folks.. we've already militarized space, at very least with Space Force. This is just going to be another weapons race, except this one will require rocket boosters or whatever else they've got going that they forgot to tell us about.

HEADLINE: Man fined for farting on cop argues farts are protected forms of expression

Amazon delivery drivers nationwide have to sign a "biometric consent" form this week that grants the tech behemoth permission to use AI-powered cameras to access drivers' location, movement, and biometric data. 

And if you don't sign - you're fired. Last week it came out that some drivers were forced to pee in a bottle.

This is the way the company treats its workers. Imagine what they do with you and your data. You'd be surprised what you can find on Ebay and other places. Buy local first.

• Speaking of which: how to protect your privacy while signing up for a Flying AIDS shot online.

An advisory committee for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention declined to vote on the fate of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine Wednesday, likely leaving in place a pause on the vaccine’s use until the committee reconvenes in seven to 10 days.

Yup.

• a test of 59 people showed psilocybin (magic mushrooms) compound is 'promising' for depression
• My life hurts. [eats mushroom] Wow, man, everything has such colors. My mom has turned into a great horned beast, walking up the steps backwards. Depression? Oh, man, I forgot I was depressed.
• Mushrooms may not be available during work hours.
• the follow-up, 6 months down the road, may produce different results, as many antidepressants can take a long time to show any benefit

Parents are outraged after school students set up a group chat assigning prices to their black peers.

The students shouldn't have been disciplined over this. They should have been disciplined over not thinking the stunt would somehow backfire.

Sometimes I just want to be John Cleese. Talent aside, he has the world's best reaction shots. He looks horribly confused and walks around, stunned. Sometimes I feel like that. You do too - admit it.

HER: ok, we need to get a shopping list together. I know we need soda.

HIM: and some bread

HER: I have that down already.

[days pass]

HER: I haven't been able to get to the store. I need to make a list.

HIM: What happened to the last list?

HER: It's around here. Somewhere.

HIM: [reaction shot] Then why do we need a new list?

HER: I don't know where the old one is

HIM: My mind tells me we need something, then I tell you. The thought then rockets out of my head, so I can't tell you what we need because I don't remember.

HER: Ok, I'll put together a list.

[calls from store]

HER: Is there a blue pad on the table?

HIM: Yes

HER: Ok, that's where my list is.

HIM: the first list or the second list?

HER: the second list. I'll just wing it.

HIM: when you ask me what we need at the store, is this just your way of getting me to pay attention and have a conversation with you?

HER: No, I need to know what to get at the store.

[home]

HIM: Bob's birthday is Saturday. You might want to write that down.

HER: Yeah, thanks, I have to write that down.

HIM: You're holding your phone book.

HER: No, that's not the right phone book

HIM: how many phone books do you have?

HER: 3

HIM: do they all have the same info in them?

HER: No. Some are in this one, some are in the other ones.

HIM: How can you tell which is in which?

HER: Didn't the doctors tell you to stop harassing me?

HIM: Ok. You could also put it in your phone.

HER:   LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

HIM: your mother called

HER: What did she say?

HIM: Nothing.

HER: How many times did she call in a row?

HIM: Just once. You know, I told her I'm always happy to speak with her, but work hours are rough. Don't call unless she's on fire.

HER: Did she leave a voicemail?

HIM: No. 

HER: I guess she's not on fire then.

HER: hey, did you hear there's a new thing in browsers? It's like the Do Not Call registry but it's new.

HIM: how well did the Do Not Call thing work?

HER: Not at all.

HIM: so why does anyone think the new system, that's like the old system, will work?

HER: I'm just saying

HIM: I hear you

HER: I'm just saying

HIM: Will you stop saying, please?

HIM: Teams got me again yesterday.

HER: How did it get you?

HIM: I told it to show I was busy then promptly forgot to set it to In Office. Every damn day.

HER: Slaving over a hot keyboard every day can do that to you.

Bilingual Cells are the Panacea of Life

 Your love is like  a ride in the dryer

Oh shit, I smell pineapple.

The problem, as I see it, is that there is no pineapple around. I will go so far as to say there is no pineapple in the house. How does this happen? How the hell should I know?

Maybe I've temporarily fallen into a time loop, and gone back to a time we had pineapple in the house.

Maybe we're being visited by my dear departed Uncle Larry, whose favorite food was pineapple.

Work is not celebrating National Pineapple Month, or at least hasn't sent out any long emails on the history of pineapple.

Maybe the dog has turned up with some. She seems to make stuff appear. I am proud to report that after carrying it around for 3 weeks, the Rice Krispies treat got opened and eaten yesterday.

I'd be much happier if I could smell Mrs. lefty's umm... errrr... parts. Although it would be disappointing if she weren't around when I could smell them.

Today I identify as  a multi-million dollar military plane that sucked multi-millions of dollars out of taxpayers.

We watch the computer for different reasons.

My computer watches me.

No, not in an NSA kinda way.... it watches to see what I'm listening to.

If I have a scanner feed on my phone, it notes this. When someone gives me a link to an interesting YouTube guitar video, I put it on. Like magic, my phone comes alive. The scanner feed, which had been silent for 20 minutes, magically comes alive to compete with the YouTube video. Whenever there are two audio sources, they will compete with each other. Then someone else in the house will develop the emergency urge to speak to me about the joys of Law and Order, and how they never lost it, in spite of their 27 spinoff shows. Dick Wolf is magic, and more importantly, rich.

I got a letter from the IRS.

This alone is enough to make one spit out one's pancreas.

We spent a good 65 minutes trying to figure out what it wanted.

It looked like it wanted a page that was like another page we already sent them. But it could've been interpreted a different way. Regardless, we had 23 days to return it. We made the mistake of mailing in our return. Do not do this.  I have never had a request from the IRS in all the years I've been filing taxes. IRS request letters are the cause of more divorces than who holds the tv remote. 

That solved, we got onto the most recent tax year. And when I say most recent year, I mean the actual transaction year. If you're doing your 2020 taxes, you're filing from 2019. If you're doing your 2019 taxes, you're filing for 2020. Or something like that. I could feel the temperature in the room rapidly rising to that semi-nuclear state, while we argued about things being off one year, or two years, if you mail it in, or three years if you get a tank and drop it off at the front door. There's a processing center close by, so naturally we had to mail the return to the other side of the state.

Some of us use pharmaceuticals. The pharmacy is kind enough to run us off a tax document with everything we purchased. I have to pick it up because she can't pick it up. Physically.

We're getting to the time when something expensive breaks. How do I know? Tax return money. Every year for 15 years, we dedicated the tax return to buying a new sofa. And every year for 15 years, something else has come up to snarf the tax return money. I think my couch has put a spell on me. Don't get me wrong - I love that couch. It's just that when I sit on it, I sag to the floor. It takes a week at the chiropractor to fix the damage, so I rarely get off the couch. Or at least that's what I tell everybody. I just ... like... sitting.

It's almost the 15th - get your taxes submitted (electronically). If you don't give the IRS what they want, your life will be unlivable (worse than a pissed off spouse). Another department that will be shut down when libertarians get into office.

• The Scientific Coalition for UAP Studies has petitioned John Warner and Marco Rubio for all the information about UAP/UFOs. They are concerned about these craft penetrating our airspace.
• Upcoming UFO report will be 'difficult to explain,' former national intelligence office says. 
• This should be fun...

Once again, Minneapolis is in the news for police shooting a black man. I wasn't there, but the copcam will show us what happened. I'm amazed they can shoot anybody, with that accent.

I have some advice for you. All of you. Black and white. Male and female. Person or alien. When the police tell you to do something, DO IT. In no way am I suggesting the police are correct shooting somebody for no apparent reason, or where less lethal methods can be deployed. But follow orders, valid or not. It will show up on copcam. We already know some cops are... bad. Don't antagonize them. The life you save may be your own.

Naturally BLM was out in a flash.

I think the police can learn a lot from the looters peaceful protesters, who are out buying the head of BLM more houses. How to peacefully loot contributors to your cause. How to get to a scene immediately. How to find spray paint at 2am. The protesters are all smartly attired in the latest tear gas masks, silly rain boots, and the occasional saran wrap. No one knows why. It is very important to get your Looter Chic on before being caught on camera. There is a markedly lower number of crackers, probably because of the rain. Maybe they have jobs.

Social distancing and masks were not seen in great amounts, which would normally bring on a riot of police. Maybe police can set up a vaccination station, to deflect violence. Some orange juice. Maybe a donut. Grape soda.

It's nice to see black and white coming together. Black people welcome the help but insist that any rhythmic banging or chanting be done only by black people, as white people have no rhythm. One black lady was making a horrible cacophony with her half-empty milk container.  Or maybe she thought she was.

There is a female news anchor in Brooklyn Center, MN (Fox?), called Daytona. How many blonde Daytonas do you know? I'll bet she was conceived after a race. Maybe during. Let's listen in on how she and the male presenter try to come up with stuff to say after being on-air for 8 hours. They're covering crowd control now. News persons have to be experts on everything. The male mentioned there hasn't been anything between the 2 sides, because that would send his ratings through the roof. 

The police person has been identified and said she thought she was reaching for her taser but it was her gun.  Ummm...... did someone make the handles identical on purpose? To be fair, she yelled "taser taser taser!"  The police promise to release the camera footage momentarily. Unfortunately, they're releasing it through NASA, so the shooting will be Photoshopped out.

As we watch, it's 2 hours after the curfew. Curfews are fun. They apply randomly, but generally not at all. It's like the city officials saying "Do not cross this line. Now, do not cross this line."

At some point, the riot is declared an unlawful assembly. I cannot tell you how, in 12 years of public school, I wanted to declare assemblies unlawful. I did a lot of stuff in school, but never pulled this one off. I used to move stuff around. It was a social experiment: taking a ladder from one floor and moving it to another, without anyone saying anything. Except for that one time, no one was using them at the moment.

School was horrid, especially high school. And you know what happens when you put semi-intelligent kids into a boring environment, right?? They invent their own fun. My class was the reason the fence around the school was raised from its original four feet to nine feet. Last time I went by, I thought I saw razor wire (Stalag 19.5). I know they kept trying to shut down the pizza place, but it was a legit business, and if students happened to want a decent pie for lunch, they went there. It took a while to figure out why the employees all had long pinky nails, but we were young and stupid. Or young and getting ourselves stupid. We attended Ben Franklin High School and Pharmaceutical Outlet and we were proud. It's a good thing we all graduated because we started to hear stories about heroin. The school was on a street that divided Little Russia from Little Israel. It was a few blocks away from the street that divided everyone from Little Israel. It was strangely divided, but nobody really cared - just their parents. I was bused in from 20 miles away. Nobody knows why. Probably because the only high school near me was Catholic and they wouldn't have me. They wouldn't let me put my name in the yearbook as Andy Christ. Nor would the public school, now that I think of it. Putting somebody good looking as my picture was also verboten. This is but a tiny reason why we didn't get along. 

So stop looting, ok? 

• Happy Birthday - Lowell George and Tiny Tim

Lemme talk to myself for a moment.....

A large percentage of Americans want The Rock to run for president. 

Completely unrelated to this is that a large percentage of Americans watch Americans Idle and the Masked Furry and aren't really all that bright.

ME #1: but Clint Eastwood, Ronald Reagan, Sunny Bono...

ME #2: were any of them any good?

ME #1: fair enough, but still... the guy's a movie star. What are his qualifications?

ME #2: he's a movie star

ME #1: I'm not sure the stats are in on movie stars becoming politicians. With Clint And Rock, it's that tough-guy persona in movies. We seem incapable of separating the big screen from reality. That doesn't seem a smart thing.

ME #2: but then again, Joe Biden. We'll elect anyone.

ME #1: I'll bet if Patrick Stewart ran, he'd win

ME #2: in spite of the fact that the candidate must be born in the country

ME #1: Clint is pushing 90. He should run.

ME #2: the perfect slogan for anyone would be "He'd have to be better"

ME #1: Rock is the perfect candidate for Hollywood, which already thinks it runs the world.

ME #2: But Jesse Ventura was a libertarian and made sense

ME #1: Ok. The Rock, but only as a libertarian. People would discover there's more than 2 parties....

ME #2: or Tiny Tim

ME #1: yeah - he could do much less damage, being dead and all...

• Actor Hank Azaria feels he needs to apologize to every single Indian person for voicing Apu on the Simpsons
• did he feel he wasn't accurate enough? 

Speaking of looting, stores are being urged toward not calling the police for non-violent crime in stores. By black people. There are all sorts of justifications in the article, but I'm stunned. It is a literal license to steal. Ummmm.... the problem does not belong to the stores. If they choose to implement the policy, that's their business, but the shifting of responsibility to stores is unbelievable. Is it the fault of the store that black people steal? This is nothing more than excusing crime. 

The stores are also told to stop profiling.

Profiling is a legitimate tactic. The FBI has profilers.

If a large percentage of any people commits crimes, it makes perfect sense to profile.

'Oh, we're going to give a couple bonuses' and all of these things, but we are not addressing the very grassroots-level issues that could probably prevent so many other things like a George Floyd from happening."

Huh?  The grass roots aren't in a store. The stores don't force people to steal. Take some responsibility. This completely negates everyone who is honest and works for a living. Bob borrowed or saved the money to open his own store. He works long hours and tries to be a good neighbor to everybody. Now he should give up some of his hard-earned money to people who steal from him. With the exception of taxes, this is not the way things work.

Look - the stores give to BLM and mandate black hiring, but it's not good enough. What's the endgame here? 

• brushing your teeth twice a day can help keep Alzherimer's away.
• and it causes your left testicle to seize 

An Asian California man attacked and kidnapped a white woman, in retaliation for all the things white people are doing to Asians. He faces a hate crime charge: the woman was Asian. Two wrongs don't make a better pair of glasses.

• Researchers develop a blood test for depression, bipolar disorder
• this could be a literal life-saver but I have a feeling it might not be definitive 

Hey - are you having issues with your own mortality? Are you approaching a birthday that has a zero at the end? Are you wondering about your place in the world? Maybe what you will have left, once you're gone? What you still haven't done? Well, if you aren't, you probably are now. And for those who still are unburdened, here's a watch that will let you count down to your ultimate demise.