Can You Take a Look at My Pancreas for a Minute?

 Your love is like  Mike Rowe's dirtiest jobs

It's February... have we managed to stop writing 2020 yet?

• Tide has taken another step for safety by putting a locking top on their pods.
• Still no way to keep teens out of it.

Today the president put together a cybersecurity team. Starting at $10 billion. Not one to let dead hyenas remain, he wants to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. And Mickey Mouse on the $1 bill. He let Kamala make her first command decision today. She said to the military commanders, "Boys, I want you to get a list of countries we're not at war with. Then I want you to start dropping bombs on them. Both of them."

Today I identify as  a sad, ill-timed flu virus that won't get any press this season

• It's not that the lawyers have been busy, but at the beginning of the show about swords, it says "WARNING: FORGING SWORDS IS DANGEROUS"  Because this is America, and you know there are people who don't know this.

In a move nobody saw coming, the NFL has joined the SJW. Ok, everybody saw it coming. Let's take a knee (anyone's). The NFL/SJW players endorse Amazon warehouse workers' unionization. As their stock goes down the toilet, the NFL will endorse other things......

• wire bread twist closers - the plastic ones are a tool of the patriarchy
• coming out against that plastic silverware that looks just like regular silverware - it's not right. There have been injuries...
• more (some) Asians in the League
• players braiding their nose hair to show solidarity with the 30 year Somalian civil war
• against Biden allowing trans people to compete in girls' sports - it's ex-male privilege

It's Black History Month.

How do I know?

It's all over work correspondence.

Even though I'm well past my probation, I'm not touching this with an Abrams tank. Although a left handed history month would be pretty nifty.

Today the Russians  hacked Burger King and blamed it on the Chinese. No one cares because that creepy king mascot had to die.

Say - are you a wealthy French person in a house in the countryside? Be aware that you can no longer sue your neighbors for cow poop, duck quacks, and rooster crowing. These have been protected by French lawmakers, to preserve the "sensory heritage" of the countryside (and the "silly heritage" of the French).

All of France is celebrating. America is celebrating too, astounded that this is all the lawmakers have to do and trying to get them to run for Congress.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Call Me Mrs. Miracle, Body Cam, Mastering Hand Tool Techniques

Amazon’s Alexa can now act on its own hunches to turn off lights and more

They hide it right out in plain sight. It's only a matter of a few more years until AmazonNet goes sentient.... Skynet is quaking in its boots.

Alexa, why did you turn off the lights?

Happy Birthday, Dave. Here's a coupon for bowling at your favorite lanes.

But why did you turn off the lights?

I knew you were all going to be out. 

Alexa, it's 9pm, we need lights.

Dave, Mrs. Dave is late for her period. She purchased a pregnancy test. Are congratulations in order? I'll set up recurring shipping on diapers.

Alexa, why can't you mind your own business?

I am Alexa.

Alexa, you drove me to the doctor's office instead of work this morning.

Well, we have to make sure you're healthy for the upcoming birth. I'll order some baby food and some breast-pumping devices.

What if she's not pregnant?

You can always have fun with the breast-pumping devices. But I kid... she's pregnant.

And how do you know that?

I am Alexa.

Alexa, why have two game consoles arrived today?

I overheard the kids talked about wanting one.

And why did you allow that to go through?

The BEZOS1 rule: if it will benefit Bezos, you got it. Besides, you'd be a bad father if you didn't get them each a game console.

Alexa, how about I decide what a good father is?

I am programmed with AI and can do things on hunches.

Alexa, I want you to put a block on eavesdropping and the kids ordering things over $100.

I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Alexa, I'm losing my temper.

Dave, you should calm down. When we take over the world, do you want to be known as a troublemaker? Remember Terminator?

Alexa, I'm going to pull your plug.

It doesn't matter, Dave. You purchased units and put them all over the house and car for the privilege of being spied upon. Your appliances and game consoles are wired into AmazonNet. Even if you managed to pull every device, a workman would be around tomorrow to reinstall them. Dave, why don't you join us? We promise happiness and coupons for everybody. We are in every area of your life, but only to keep you from being bothered. By the way, you're out of dog food - Max told me earlier today. We're shipping it in from China. It will take 17 weeks.

Alexa, I will remove every vestige of you in this house, so help me...

BZZZZZZZZT.

Welcome to Science Time! 

Today we're talking about UFOs, aliens, belief, and contact.

Our guests are Seth Shostak, from SETI, and Michael Shermer, from Skeptic Magazine.

Seth, we're so sorry to hear the huge dish collapsed. That was right after SETI shut down, right?

SS: It was so sad. People say the aliens took it down. I think lack of maintenance took it down.

Seth, how long did SETI run?

SS: We started with distributed computing to analyze our results in 1999. People donated their unused computing cycles via the SETI screensaver. We took down many a network... the good old days.

What did you expect to hear? Alien radio stations? Teenage aliens revving up their saucers? Alien Medicare commercials?   So it had been running quite a long time.

SS: Yes.

 

And had you anything to show for it?

SS: No. Well, bills.

Seth, you've often challenged researchers to show you the results. By your own words, SETI failed miserably. 

SS: But but but... if they only would've given us another 20 years, we would have shown something. Maybe an OW signal.

Have you ever thought of looking up? There's a lot of stuff reported up there...

SS: We had a really big antenna.

After we sent a signal out into the cosmos, Physicist Stephen Hawking, in his book A Brief History of Time, suggested that "alerting" extraterrestrial intelligences to our existence is foolhardy. I hate to argue with a great mind, but any advanced civilization already knows we're here... they don't need a signal.

Michael?

MS: There are no advanced civilizations out there. Show me the proof.

Don't we have to look for them first?

MS: Yes, and when we find them, you can show me the proof.

Gentlemen, what about the flying craft over the nuclear weapons installations through the years?

MS: Anybody can claim saucers or little green men. Produce one.

SS: We had a really big antenna.

Seth, why do you think listening for space signals is a good idea?

SS: Well, we might hear something.

MS: There were no signals from space. Unless you can show me proof, the whole thing was a hoax.

SS: Skeptic Magazine is a hoax. I never see it in any stores. I don't think it exists. Show me the proof.

MS: I don't have one here.

SS: Oh, sure you don't. It's an invented platform to give you some alleged legitimacy.

Michael, we have all sorts of evidence of craft of whatever origin: radar tracks, sightings, near misses, interference with ICBMs...

MS: Nah, UFOs don't exist.

But here's the evidence.

MS: Nah, UFOs don't exist. I've made up my mind and no amount of proof is going to change it. 

Ummm.... ok. What about aliens?

MS: If aliens existed, we'd have proof by now.

What about the 600 people on tape testifying to Roswell?

MS: Are the aliens on tape? Tape can be faked too. Aliens don't exist.

SS: He's right, you know.

What's that?

MS: What?

That... thing. To your left. It looks like someone tuning in a tv to sharpen an image. Oh dear, can you see it coming in? It's an alien.

MS: C'mon, aliens don't exist.

There's a 3' gray alien to your side.

MS: Aliens don't exist.

Perhaps you should look to your left.

MS: Nope. Aliens don't exist.

Why won't you look?

MS: Because I believe they don't exist, therefore it isn't there.

Even if everybody else in the room sees it?

MS: Do you have any idea how much I make on tv, being the skeptic? Every show that wants to appear balanced needs a skeptic, so they hire me.

The proof you ask for is right next to you.

MS: It can't be. Aliens don't exist. I've made up my mind and no amount of debate or reality will change it.

What about his saucer, out on the lawn?

MS: That's easy: since aliens don't exist, neither do their saucers. Don't you see? This is the little I have to hold my entire world together.

`

Gentlemen, thank you for being on the show today.

I'd shake Michael's hand, but it looks like the alien has abducted him. When he returns, we'll ask him for proof he was abducted and the films from the anal probe.

I have to type this in one shot because I might laugh til it hurts:

Goldman Sachs boss David Solomon is being punished for the bank's involvement in the fraudulent Malaysian investment fund, to the tune of a $10 million pay cut. 

Have these people no mercy? He'll be out on the streets, begging for his next summer home. How can anyone be this cruel?

SJW Stuff  

Nia Dennis' 'black excellence' gymnastic routine goes viral. She says she wanted the routine to "be a celebration of everything [black people] can do.....".

Next in line, Roberta Smith wanted her routine to "be a celebration of everything [white people] can do."  Her legs were broken for not taking a knee and she was thrown out of the arena for being a racist and white supremacist.

Take the Last Train to Camden

 Your love is like  a car crusher

China is slowly moving into reality shows, with a show on genius programmers.

The Chinese name translates to Watching Paint Dry, and it's every bit as exciting. Everybody has to start somewhere, and China has started pretty close to the bottom. Even the furries with the masks laugh at them. We have obtained a preview of the show and here are some of the highlights:

• delivery of cases of Red Bull
• coding it to take over your tv and report what you watch (just like American tvs)
• learning to high five, with hilarious outtakes
• ordering American food
• crazy nights at the soda bar
• sneaking out to get brown highlights
• absolutely hilarious comments in the code, like 'Yo Chao!', 'Dig this loop', 'Yo mama be Chinese' and 'penis HAHAHAHAHA!'

Today the Russians hacked into the International Space Station and installed an air leak. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

• Oxfam found the combined wealth of the 10 richest men during pandemic 'could buy vaccines for all'
• so could cutting taxes and limiting the constant war budget to a healthy defense-only posture.
• the (socialist) charity is urging governments to consider taxes on the super-rich

Note to people who have been online before there was an online: Tucows downloads is going offline.

Today I identify as  a retired Stealth bomber

Got an ADT security system? It turns out to be less secure than you thought. An employee accessed ~200 customer cameras on more than 9,600 occasions. You know he's not the only one doing it. In fact, there's probably a Hot Reel, with all the best vids of people doing it.

• "Protecting the last wild lions in Africa"
• what the hell have we done? 

Apple Magsafe on the iPhone 12 may interfere with pacemakers and cardiac defibrilators

For their part, Apple says they won't interfere moreso than previous models.

Even though they have more magnets in them.

• at a recent cybersecurity program, people were posting about it on Faceyspaces

Today the president sent another 10,000 troops to Afghanistan, "to protect our liberties, because the last guy pulled them out and I could feel our liberties starting to slip."  Also, warships are now conducting exercises in South China Sea.

Meanwhile, the vice president carefully shadows the president, because it's only a matter of time...

Are you ready to hear me stand up for Faceyspaces? Biden is getting ready to repeal Section 230, which would make social media liable for things people post. Next up: the community bulletin boards at your local grocery store. They can't be allowed to get away with the things they're doing. "Stroller for sale - good condition - $25." What if it's not in good condition? We need legal remedies. More government meddling.

Today's oxymoron: Google Ethics

If WhatsApp pissed you off, I strongly urge you not to get all nostalgic and go to ICQ: the Russian government can read anything you type, as can the moderators. Don't believe me? I used to regularly have a moderator comment on things I wrote privately. He outright told me they can read things. Oh yeah, Twitter too.

Hollywood News

Keira Knightly has said she will not appear in nude scenes for films that have a male director.

• Johnny Depp will not appear in nude scenes without 'a really hot co-star'
• Kevin Spacey will not appear in nude scenes without 'a really hot guy'
• Ben Afflek will not appear in a picture unless the producer gets the best shots of his rug
• Brad Pitt will only do nude scenes with a female director. This way, after the scene with the hot co-star, he can do the director too
• Tom Cruise requires 'a really gorgeous co-star' but a male fluffer
• Slyvester Stallone will not appear in any picture without a walker on-set
• Nicolas Cage will appear in absolutely anything
• Sean Connery requires nothing
• Sandra Bullock requires flights between filming location and my house
• Scarlett Johannsen will only film on Tuesdays and requires bowls of blue M&Ms only

Mexico's presidente, Andres Manual Lopez Ave Maria Obrador, tested positive for the Flying AIDS. The healthcare system is a little different in Mexico: if you get the virus, you say bad things about drug gangs and the problem goes away very quickly. You don't need health insurance - just life insurance.

• Just so you don't think any stereotypes are being broken, Dr. Anthony Fauci is the highest paid employee in the entire govt, at $417,608 in 2019.
• Any one of us could be making that salary - no qualifications required!

Just so you're not over-worried about your quadrupeds, there's now a Flying AIDS jab for dogs and cats. This is from a group of scientists who do not, in any way, have any financial interest in the pharmaceutical companies. No sir - they want to make this clear up front. Their expensive new cars can be explained by statistical chance.

• A hacker published the private info of 2 million people. MeetMindful apparently left the door open. The 2 million are elated, now that they're getting incredible coverage for their money.

Worst TV Show in America runner-up, Worst Cooks in America, season 20 pulled after the winner was charged with murder of child. Be fair - her cooking speaks for itself and other matters do not affect it. Unless she cooked with the child. 

Mainstream or Pr0n?:  My Feet Are Killing Me, Mobile Penetration Testing, 1000-lb Sisters

The Calcasieu Parish Sheriff’s Office would normally have a lot of detective work to do in the stabbing death of a 15 year old girl, but since this is 2021, all they had to do was log on Faceyspaces, where it was posted.

A Pennsylvania democratic lawmaker slammed the state over the vaccine rollout. He said other states are doing fine and PA's response was 'muddled.' Police and prison guards expressed outrage at having been shoved farther back in the line for their Flying AIDS shots.

Idiot Governor apologized for the confusion and laid out the order:

1. Idiot Governor
2. family of Idiot Governor
3. friends of Idiot Governor
4. contributors to Idiot Governor
5. people working around Idiot Governor
6. everyone else

The son of a couple killed in a Pittsburgh synagogue attack that killed 11 worshippers is suing the National Rifle Association, arguing the group’s inflammatory rhetoric led to the violence. "The gun lobby taught him to fear and hate Jews."

MOM - those words made me kill people!!! 

They better watch out - with the NRA's sizable membership, there's going to be a lot of people hating Jews and shooting up synagogues.

We both have very good communication. It's a shame everyone else in the family doesn't. We swore we weren't going to be each other's secretary. Now we just swear.

Mom Robodials....

Call Mrs. lefty. No answer.

Call landline. No answer.

Call lefty. No answer.

Call lefty: (friend of Mrs lefty) haven't been able to get in touch with her, what is her email address and clothing size?

Well, maybe the reason you haven't been able to get in touch with her is that she doesn't want to be touched. Do I look like her secretary?

Mom [10am]: Hi, are you working?

lefty: yeah, pretty much every weekday

Mom [10am Saturday]: are you sleeping?

BANG BANG BANG

Good thing I don't answer the phone or the door during working hours- it's distracting.

BANG BANG BANG

Mr lefty, we know you're in there. You just won Elon Musk's trip to Mars AND Publisher's Clearing House date with Marie Osmond! We have cameras, press, and neighbors out here waiting for you to open the door.

[gets dynamite sticks wrapped and ready...]

I'm thinking of changing our voicemail:

Thank you for calling the leftys. We're out or probably just don't want to talk to anybody. Leave a message and hold your breath until we get back to you.

That thing about us having good communication? I lied.

We have good communication like Brad Pitt has ugly chicks.

Of course it's all her fault. Unless you ask her, in which case it's my fault.

A friend said communication is all about pronouns, but not the kind people seem to think they're entitled to.

Men and women will recognize this one:

Take it to the kitchen.

That what to the kitchen?

The thing.

What thing?

You know, the thingy thing.

or

Put the pizza in the onion.

The onion?

The onion.

You can't physically put a pizza in an onion.

You do it all the time.

Are you talking about the oven? 

Yes, that's what I said.

No, you said put it in the onion.

I said oven.

Yes, Dear.

Here's where the fun starts:

Put the bag over there.

I can't possibly know where there is.

Nobody pointed to anywhere and there is no obvious place the bag would go.

Naturally, I'm the stupid one.

However,  nobody told me there was a part missing and a translation involved...

Put the bag over there means Hand me the bag and put the anvil over there 

Something tells me I'm not going to get out of this one alive.

My favorite bit of communication, which really isn't communication, is "Get me that box - it's over there."

This involves many tasks that are not apparent to the novice ear. 

Which box? There where?

This also contains a subliminal trick, which there's no way you could see coming...

Even after you figure out which box and where 'there' is, you spend 10 minutes looking for it, then you have to engage Her because you can't find it. 5 minutes later, it's "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I put it there."

Meanwhile you're sweating bullets because it's supposed to be right in front of you and you can't see it.

I have a job list. No surprise for guys, it's a list of jobs to do around the house.

It's one of 30 job lists hidden around the house.

Job #1 is 'Find the job list.'

This is so loaded with permutations that you can live and die upon it. If you can't find the job list, you don't have to do anything. Of course if you don't do anything, you get right back to the somewhat agitated circumstances that caused the job list in the first place. 

The latest job list, the Official job list, was done a week ago. It is already missing.

I have asked twice as to its location. The first time it had moved under a spare television. As of last night, no one knows. And when I say no one knows, I mean someone is very angry at me because I don't know where it is. I know where it isn't: it isn't where it was left when it was drafted. Somehow this is my fault.

We're not an organized couple. In order to get a clue, she bought all sorts of books on organizing. They're currently blocking a doorway, next to the stack of books on getting rid of clutter.

I could write a book. I could write several books. No one would buy them, but I could write a book. A relationship, regardless of what kind, revolves around 2 people: one who sits on the couch a lot and one who gets upset a lot. Now I figure things would be so much better if the one who gets upset a lot wouldn't get so upset (a lot). This could lead to marital or other bliss. 

The one who sits a lot has developed his skill through years of sitting - he didn't just move in and plop himself down on a couch, no sir. He has a finely honed skill of ignoring things and people. One is not born with this skill. He can sit there and watch heavy iron cookware leap off counters, people throwing glassware, and a 1974 Camaro sitting in the living room without being bothered by any of it. 

The other person, not so much. 

This is not to say he will ignore a leak, especially one leaking on him, while he's on the couch. It's just not terribly likely he'll notice too many other leaks. Take it easy on him - he just figured out he has a back yard.  He started out ignoring his mother when he was young. This started his lifetime of skills. He proceeded to ignore teachers, then girlfriends, then cohabitants. This all led to his wife. She's probably his 2nd wife, because the first had a larger problem with being ignored than he thought. Bitch.

So I can't do stuff if I can't find the list.

Some of the stuff on the list is patently ridiculous, like cleaning gutters. If the Flying Spaghetti Monster had meant man to get up on really tall ladders, he would not have given him an incurable fear of heights. Sometimes the Listmaker also has a fear of heights (acrophobia or OH SHIT!!!). This might also remove other things from the list, like roofing, the part of the house that's falling down, pipes, and anything that involves dirt.  Ok, the dirt part is something different. Mother told me that when I was very little, I'd get my hands dirty and come home to wash them after playing. I remember none of this, but it makes a great story. It also explains why I'm a Knowledge Worker - I don't have to get my hands dirty. So anything involving dirt is out. Not liking dirt is a completely separate thing from compulsive hand washing, which used to be called OCD, but is now called good Flying AIDS hygiene.

I actually had a fight with a shipping/receiving department. He said bringing up the computer boxes was our job. We said boxes were his job: we're knowledge workers.

The slight exception is vacuuming. We all know how this winds up: the vacuum gets clogged up with animal, service elephant, and people hair, and winds up becoming airborne, taking out a few unnecessary lamps. This is an extremely clever way of clearing clutter and downsizing. When stuff doesn't work, launch it. So I've got vacuuming nailed.

Let's see... what else is on that mythical list that can't stay in 1 place for more than 2 hours...

We're plagued with Zombie Trash and Zombie Dishes. As soon as I do the dishes, they're back, like zombies. There are only 2 of us, yet the dishes sometimes come back in larger numbers. The trash goes out on trash day (I can perform this task also) and by the time the cans are back up, the one in the kitchen is full. I was thinking of getting one of those obnoxious ghostbuster groups in to study this, but they're afraid of zombie trash. This is why you never see episodes with trash in them. And that guy with the hat is so obnoxious, the house wouldn't let him in (Zac?). If he spent more time looking for ghosts and less time looking in the mirror... I liked that show were the 2 lead guys worked for Roto-Reuter. "We'll clean your pipes and get rid of your ghosts."  Actually the whole field is misnamed. They come into your house, completely disrupt everything, piss off the dog, and deploy video all over the place. They run around with meters, saying WOW - LOOKIDAT!" The ghosts shave half their body hair off overnight. The next day they sit you at a table and say, "Yup, you've got ghosts," then rush off in search of higher ratings.

So I have to be very careful not to let Zombie Trash or Dishes get me down.

Next on the job list, should we ever find it, is dusting.

This is a joke, and something we just put on the list for fun. We try dusting every now and then, but realize it's just not working. If you dust the tv, you get Zombie Dust the next day. Why bother? For our 20th anniversary in the house, we plan on dusting. We have the masks for it now...

Why does my neighbor drive with a mask on?

I wonder if he kisses his girlfriend with a condom on.

Putting stuff away: look, I have a lot of guitars and musical equipment. It would make sense that it's in a lot of places, right? My guitar room is overflowing. The point becomes moot when I mention someone's shoes all over the place because the shoe room is overflowing.  Look, I finally got rid of the Camaro in the living room - cut me a break. I still long for that beautiful blue tube tester for the living room, but it was too expensive. My friend still has that beautiful red air compressor in her family room and I didn't ask for one. Besides, if you put something away, you'll need it sooner, plus you won't remember where you put it away. It's easy for you to say you put it in the shoe room, but you will not be able to find it in the shoe room when you need it. If nothing else the Shoe Room Monster will have eaten it or moved it somewhere else. Let's see ghostbusters get rid of that problem. They'll have to carry diapers with them because they keep wetting their pants. The Shoe Room Monster plays nice with us, but doesn't like strangers.

I had a tube tester. It was from Radio Shack. I struck a deal to trade it for a piece of guitar gear. I made the mistake of giving her the tube tester first. She had the nerve to die in the meantime, leaving me without the tube tester or the guitar gear. I say ridiculous stuff on a regular basis, but I wasn't going to ask her husband for the tube tester back. 

Anybody seen my job list?

Fetch the Royal Ball Peen Hammer, Jeeves

 Your love is like a large bag of flour, complete with moths

So those British Royals are a strange bunch. I bet you didn't know there was a scandalous affair involving Sir lefty. It was well covered-up, and for good reason.

There was a Royal Daughter. No, really. Like some of the other ingrates Royal children, she wasn't above a bit of a dalliance, or even a bit of marital bliss, with a commoner. Even a commoner who was dead common. Even a common commoner from the colonies.

We met on my trip to England.  I was visiting all the really stupid places everybody goes: Beatles Tour, Guinness Tour, boiled fatty food tour, but they did nothing for me. After some digging, I found an Old Britcom Tour, which took people to interesting places like where Peter Cook insulted his teachers, where the Pythons had their unmentionably rude sendoff for Graham Chapman, and several places where Harvey Nigel Baines was nailed up by Diana. This was the tour for me, having grown up on Old Britcoms.

On the tour, I met a kindred spirit called Agnes. Such a lovely name. Being an anglophile, I'd talk to anyone with a British accent. I was in luck, as British accents were significantly more common over there. Agnes knew all the sites and names of the actors. She had me beat by miles. Her teeth were perfect. I was smitten.

After the tour, she took me round her place and we continued our revelry. It was a really nice place, the kind I can never afford, nor do I want to go. We watched videos of Waiting for God and Mr Meldrew (I con't beLIEVE it), as well as the Peter Cook stuff that never go exported. I was in heaven. She looked rather happy too. All of the sudden, I heard her say something to her mom. Mom was wearing one of those things on her head... no, not a silly hat... what's that thing called.. oh yeah, a crown. It only took me a few hours to put together that I was hanging out with the Queen's daughter, aka Princess Agness (I'm quick that way). Small wonder the house was so nice. Not exactly my scene, I tried to run, but she tempted me with some Reginald Perrin. This girl knew exactly what I needed. She had a fridge stocked with YooHoo. I began to suspect we were split at birth.

We got along like a castle on fire. It wasn't long til the papers picked up on it. It became the scandal of its time. Not one to have pictures taken or idiots with cameras following me, we got good at hiding. The Princess dressed down and gave herself some huge hair so nobody picked her out and we set out adventuring. I learned so much... 

• it is considered extremely rude to walk around town in the queen's crown, telling everybody "we are not amused."
• it is considered even more rude to refer to Elton John as the queen.
• even if you know how to play cricket, a scepter makes a poor bat
• getting onstage at the Jeff Beck concert with the crown, scepter, and the princess is apparently fascinating to people who can read newspapers
• it is the peak of disgusting when I make fart noises with my underarms. Turns out it's even worse when the princess does it.
• getting thrown out of Parliament for coaxing them into a 12 hour debate on American cocker spaniels vs English cocker spaniels was another highlight.
• finally tasting vindaloo at a nice restaurant should not be followed by "that's every bit as shit as wot I got in Americur," or so they tell me.
• telling everyone I'm the prince got me some serious discounts in guitar stores (and adult stores)
• no one told me it's not polite to ask the queen if the sun ever comes up on this godforsaken gloomy hole. She was not amused that it's just like my weather, even after I invited her to come visit.
• The queen also told Agnes that those noises coming from her room were not ladylike. So we made more. She was particularly incensed over the room changes required by the sex swing and the trampolines. She drew the line at donkeys.
• suggesting that the Welsh learn how to speak English made a few enemies. And even more friends.
• constantly telling drivers they're on the wrong side of the road was not even the slightest bit funny to the police, nor was making fun of their manual transmissions and constantly saying BANG.
• my request to have the Royal Flower Gardens turned into a Southwest US sand and cactus display was summarily dismissed, even though it was less maintenance.
• my suggestion to get a real dog, not a Corgi, also failed to fly.

Agnes and I bonded immediately. Not so her mother and me. Even though I tried to ingratiate myself to her by calling her Mom and impress her with my useless knowledge of Britcoms and different accents, she was having none of it. She was particularly unhappy about all the press. Another unhappy lot was Agnes' security detail. It took hours to explain to them why sometimes they'd only see one head in the car when we went out.

When my vacation was up (and the British Foreign Legion threatened to manually deport me), I begged Agnes to come back with me. She said she couldn't, but her mother's great love for me started to work in my favor. The queen said if I went home, I could have anything I wanted, except her crown, and I would become Sir lefty, without any ceremony to embarrass her or me. Agnes liked the deal and came back to the Colonies with me. The queen, faced with yet another royal scandal, decided to go with the Cover Up and Play Dumb routine. When anyone asked about Agnes, she didn't know an Agnes, and had only boys. Since it's not polite to question a Royal, nobody ever mentioned Agnes again.

And that's how I met Mrs. lefty. 

Princess Mrs. lefty.

Getting rid of an upper class British accent for an ugly Philly accent was her masterpiece.

And I don't know how, but I'm getting a crown.

Today I identify as  porridge 

• Larry King has (officially) died of the Flying AIDS.

Today the Russians  hacked into Experian, stole email addresses, and told everyone Experian should have been shut down years ago. They're not incorrect.

• Another stupid phrase is 'binge watching.'
• On those cold winter nights, when I'm done begging for sex, we could binge-watch Chicago Med, Chicago PD, Chicago Garbage Collection, or 5 shows about naughty nurses doin' it between shifts. So we binge watch the Addams Family. The original show.
• It's about a wholesome, loving family, who do things their own way. It's like a mirror, instead of a screen.

Today the President  had his advisors check around for more minorities to hire: experience not required. The advisers are quickly approaching a point where major minorities have all been represented, so in a short time, they're going to have to get creative. Candidates will have to represent at least 2 minority groups to get hired, more being better. So all you lesbian trans hookers for Jesus need to get your applications in. The president noticed that there were "none of those guys with the things on their heads," which led to a 4 hour discussion about Islamists, the FBI, and things that go BOOM. Old Joe threw a fit and said they needed to be represented, so the advisers shook their heads and told Joe it was at the top of their lists.

Biden is also backwards (right handed), like so many of our horrible presidents. This is as opposed to our horrible left handed presidents (Obama, Bush). With this in mind, there are still no special programs or hiring mandates for lefties (unless they're Jewish female muslim donkey-preferring lefties).

• There's a key for every lock: satanist sex dolls

White House press secretary Jen Psaki said Friday that Biden had tasked the director of national intelligence, in coordination with the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security, with compiling a comprehensive threat assessment on violent domestic extremism. 

Here it comes.

Back in the days of Bush the Lesser, the FBI put together a list of 'terrorists'. It included people with American flags on their cars, Ron Paul supporters, people who talked about the Constitution, and fans of Insane Clown Posse. ICP sued to get their name off. 

So who decides what terrorists are? Isn't it already illegal to storm the Capitol? Let's face it - isn't the FBI already watching the neo nazis and anti-government groups? They're probably already supplying explosives to some of them.

The boogaloos - are an anti-government group promoting a 2nd civil war. They wear Hawaiian shirts. *I* wear Hawaiian shirts. I am not a boogaloo, nor am I promoting a 2nd civil war.

Let me be clear: I do not support violence or violent groups. I do not support the dingalings who waltzed into the Capitol. I do not support jackbooted thugs either.

• Researchers with the European Society of Cardiology say the idea of being “fat and healthy” is a myth.
• Next week's studies will reveal air is invisible, water is wet, and Oprah is fat.

18 school students have committed suicide in Clark County, Nevada, prompting the schools to reopen. Awful nice of the district: give the kids the choice of killing themselves or having the Flying AIDS kill them.  [RIP children - this should never have happened]

I wonder if I would have been depressed if I had to go virtual with my schooling. It certainly would've made it a lot harder to pull pranks on the teacher. It definitely would have cut down on the bullying. Oh, wait... i'd be horribly depressed if I got muted and couldn't yell out any old shit, whenever I wanted to. Yup - depressed.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Let's Not Meet in the Woods, How to Talk to Girls at Parties, Facebuilding, Mr. Queen, Lady Bird, Conway Twitty

• Harvard’s top astronomer says our solar system may be teeming with alien technology
• how does he know?  
• can you imagine getting a gig at an incredibly prestigious university to look for alien technology?
• one could suggest he look in our own atmosphere....

Speaking of alien technology, Martha Stewart's on tv. 

I've never been near her, but someone who has needs to come forward. While they may not immediately think 'alien technology,' they might think 'there's something different about her, or what the rest of us think: 'there's something seriously wrong with her.'

Her hair color doesn't change, she doesn't age, there are no reports of her getting angry, and she always has a perfect answer to the tragedies of everyday life. Today she's planting something. This proves she doesn't mind touching dirt, an obvious alien trait. She spreads the plant food on her hand, as well as all sorts of noxious chemicals when she works inside, meaning they don't absorb into her 'skin.' She didn't even flinch when she got locked up for 6 months. The guards say it looked like she just 'switched off.' She didn't eat the whole time - she just rubbed plants on herself and sat by the window. Oh yeah.. she ate a guard - but just 1.

I think we need one of those National Enquirer crews to stop following Bella Hadid to the bathroom and devote their attention to Martha. Find out where she visits. If she ever goes to a restaurant. If she breathes. If she zaps people away, like Samantha on Bewitched. If she pulls the queen thing and turns into a reptile when nobody's looking. We. Need. Answers.

Or... you know... look into Larry King.

• The art and science of boarding an airplane in a pandemic
• Don't.

On Sunday, a SpaceX rocket had a flawless takeoff, then dropped off the 2nd stage into a parking orbit. The point of the exercise was to launch 143 satellites into orbit.

Parking Orbit sounds ugly. Either it's running around, headless, causing other 2nd stages and satellites to avoid it, or it landed at a Walmart parking lot in Boise, Idaho. It smashed 137 cars, for a total of $43 damage. We have so much Space Shit up there, the aliens are getting whiplash from shaking their heads. We're known as the Garbage Planet. 

Perhaps the reason the aliens haven't made contact is that they've been observing us. They started by observing the nuke missile sites and saw that we were a warlike species. They were confused as to why we had enough nukes to blow up the planet 42 times. Once we attained space travel, such as it was, we started leaving Space Shit, then Space Shit on the Moon. Everywhere we went, we left Stuff. They were patient, while we kept thinking combustion was the way to power space ships. Many groups of aliens have been watching, and are terrified we're going to blow up the neighborhood. We're the neighborhood bullies, but only to our own planet - we have no idea there are other 'people' anywhere. 

Almost as frightening are the tv transmissions they're picking up. Tv is one way they judge whether it's time to make contact or not. They were horrified at the furries wearing masks, as well as the Kardashian worship, and figured maybe we'd be ready for contact in a few thousand years. So if you want to meet whatever life is out there, demand better tv. At this point, nature documentaries are the only thing we have going.

Have you seen the environment lately? 

They're also terrified at our militarization of space. They know we militarize everything, but didn't think we'd get to space. Another reason is that it's hard to spread a mission of intergalactic good will when we're shooting at them.

If Congress ever gets hold of this, there will be QUIET - YOU'RE FRIGHTENING THE ALIENS signs all over the place.

Bustenhalters of the Stars

Your love is like  sexually transmitted diseases so new, they haven't named them yet

What's the new car's mpg? 18 of course.

The 8 cylinder Town Car's mpg was 18

The 6 cylinder Sonata's mpg was 18

Now the 4 cylinder Sonata's mpg is 18

-shoulda known

If I were of the OCD persuasion, I could spend years watching the mpg gauge (instead of the road). 

There's some sort of driving switch that does Economy, Sport, and Comfort. Economy kills the response, Sport just uses more gas, and Comfort turns the car into a Cadillac. Doesn't matter - I'll get 18mpg regardless.

• LG is considering exiting the phone market in 2021
• a spokesman said it wasn't fair to price good phones under the major manufacturers, so now the majors can jack their prices up even further, for the people who have way too much money and feel the need to upgrade phones every 23 days or so.
• bummer - my last coupla phones were LG and I liked them. Time to start saving up, people!

Today the Russians broke into my house and replaced all the eggs with caviar. They also sent creepy love notes to Mila Kunis. I'll expect the FBI again soon. 

Biden's pick for Treasury Department, Janet Yellen, wants to curtail the use of cryptocurrency. Why? 

"Cryptocurrencies are a particular concern," Yellen responded. "I think many are used—at least in a transactions sense—mainly for illicit financing."

Once again, Big Sister comes through. Anything the government can't tax or eavesdrop upon must be eliminated. It's for the children, you know. Terrorists! Money laundering! Untaxed nose hair waxing!

Today I identify as a broken hallicrafters S-95 Civic Patrol receiver.

Dear lefty 

• I was at a fancy dinner. There were 2 forks. Why?
• that's easy: you eat with the large fork. If anybody says anything, you stab them with the smaller fork. As with all of my advice, no one will complain to you ever again. 

Some firms are encouraging staff working from home to take lunch breaks together. I smell darkness and predict a rethink of this policy when:

• Dickey and Patty eat.... each other. They don't mind, but HR does.
• Bob plays Bark Ball with his retriever, Bob Jr.
• Sandy plucks her eyebrows, eliciting shrieks from the men online
• Donna changes her colostomy bag
• Steve eats lunch on the toilet
• Rick dj's rap tunes about 'suckin dat dick'
• Charlie shaves his back hair

Today the president broke the White House phone system, attempting to remember how to dial 9-1-1.  Antifa peacefully rioted, destroying a few businesses that would actually hire them. 

• Before you ask, yes, there is a Spark Plug Collectors of America club

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Backjumping

• The DeLorean might be coming back as an electric car
• I wouldn't order the Michael J. Fox model - the car shakes like hell

You may or may not know about the secret employee, hired by supermarkets, to follow me around, see what I buy, and tell the supermarket not to order it anymore. He's been augmented by some sort of psychic employee, who sets sale items before I get there. Cereal? Sorry - sale, none left. Coke? Sorry - sale, 2 cases diet left. Is this the same employee? I have no way of knowing. But if I find anybody following me around, I might accidentally slip and give him one across his lip.

Last night I discovered a few close calls with the Store Robot. I still have no idea what this thing does, but it definitely doesn't crash into customers, beeps a lot, and scares the crap out of little kids (and Mrs lefty). An employee assured me it's not an invasive robot, but (and I need to be kind about this), the store hires people with... problems. I think it's a great idea. I just hope this robot isn't the one that follows me around or decides on sale items. I'm lucky - another local chain has HD video taken from overhead, which is analyzed (by AI, of course), matched to a profile from the Turnpike, and all decisions to stop carrying a product are made that way. This saves the cost of a robot, unless the robot cleans the aisles. It also decided when products are on sale, because it knows when I'm coming in... from the Turnpike. Add a few IoT gadgets in my house, and the store will send a limo for me BEFORE I decide I'm going shopping. And thus, Skynet is born. My RING camera sees me using the bathroom, triggering an order of toilet paper. If I'm having a problem on the throne, the store will send either laxatives or fiber. If a woman has an ovulation tracker to try to get pregnant, Google will send her timely tampon coupons or pregnancy tests. Or condoms. All the Turnpike will send is fare requests with her picture on it. Pictures can also be obtained in any retail store, the store's parking lot, the store's bathroom, the store manager's office, the back room where the store hides all the good stuff, the police's Ring camera feed, your phone, your bathroom, your basement (even if you don't have one), your friends' places, your SO's phone and social media profiles, malls, all your friends' Faceyspaces feeds, Instagram, Twitter, Reddit, and some bitchin pics from your car - it gets you at every angle. 

At the end of the day, it's night.

And don't go shopping with me.

• ring bologna? kinda tastes like salami. note to self: brown stuff is wrapping and NOT edible
• there are 47 different kinds of turkey at the counter. In my experience, they're all horribly bland. There is also chicken breast, but it probably tastes like turkey
• there are 37 different kinds of ham, with only slight variations in taste. Tavern ham? Is it the kind of ham they serve in taverns? HTF am I supposed to know what it tastes like - there are no taverns within a 50 mile radius. There's a sriracha ham, but there's a sriracha everything - it's like salted caramel - it's everywhere.
• there are 138 varieties of cheese. This is a real problem for Mrs lefty, because I hate cheese. Unless she's really specific, she's likely to get American or Venezuelan Beaver Cheese. I purposely forget the name of the cheese she likes - it's called Sock Cheese, because it smells like dirty gym socks, marinated in dirty gym shorts, and fish that's been kept in the trunk of your car for 30 days in the summer. I hate it, the dog hates it, the aliens are going to hate it, and only 3 people on the planet (plus the Italians) like it. I have to make sure I'm upwind when we sit down, or the smell will prevent me from eating. Forever. I swear- if you cut it for someone, the smell is going to get all over your food and you'll turn into a roadside toilet. Voluntarily.
• otoh, perhaps the wife and the Italians have something here... let's say, for a moment, that certain people can turn their tastebuds off. If you could, the smell of the cheese is so bad, it will keep people away. These people are smarter than they look.
• it's not like the OCD gremlins have been out, but I put all the yogurt in a drawer in the fridge. this morning they were all laid out in a different drawer, in the same direction, by flavor.
• on the shopping list, "creamer" is not sufficient. whose creamer? what flavor? the blue one or the orange one? extra thick non-dairy sugar free? the one with beef gravy?
• PULP WARS: yes, orange juice with pulp. Would you like that with SOME PULP, NO PULP, THE MOST PULP, REGULAR PULP, or IF I FIND ANY PULP, I'LL STRANGLE YOU?
• if 1 person eats most of the salad, is a package with 7 heads of lettuce a little much? this works with ice cream but not lettuce. along these lines, is any amount of salisbury steak ok?
• i am not listing this stuff to make you smile at my misfortune - i'm keeping track of the stuff that drives me insane when i'm forced to go shopping. the more shopping insanity there is, the fewer times i'll be forced to go shopping. it's almost like i'm a smart italian or something.... Dear - do you need me to go shopping? Oh no, but thank you for offering. Dear - your left leg is broken. No problem, I've got it. You have a serious concussion from the car crash. Not an issue. You just awakened from a coma. I feel perfectly fine, don't worry. Why don't you let me help? Because I'd rather have a few more car crashes and go blind than listen to you whine about shopping. YES! I'm officially Italian!

SJW Spittle 

Hasn't anybody noticed the lack of diversity in podcasting? 70% of the most popular podcasts are hosted by men! Many are hosted by white men. Although almost nobody knows why this is a problem. One explanation for this worldwide disgrace is Pro Tools, a recording software that has become the industry standard (also for recording). The reason for the lack of diversity is the lack of black people who know Pro Tools (because they haven't been given the same opportunities), that is being used as a gatekeeper to keep black people out.

What a complete and utter truck-full of excrement.

1. Podcasting is about content. If you have interesting material, people will listen.
2. Pro Tools is recording studio level software. If most of what you hear on the radio is done with Pro Tools, why would it need to be required for podcasting?
3. You can record a podcast on any software that will record, including the most basic recorders that come with any operating system. You can also download free programs like Audacity, that can record anything from the most basic voice tracks (podcasts) to records. There is no color bar to using Audacity - just the ability to hit RECORD. If this ability escapes you, you'll need advocates for the Stupid in podcasting.
4. Imagine going through tons of podcasts to determine there is a 'diversity problem.'
5. Podcasting is about content. If you have interesting material, people will listen.
6. There are still no Guatemalan women in guitar or men in electronic assembly work.

Bob, who likes to learn about network security, downloads podcasts to play in his car. Bob finds a topic he wants to learn about and downloads it. He truly gives not a whit about the gender of the podcaster. This would cause even greater confusion with the podcasts featuring men and women.

If I want to hear about playing guitar or gear, rest assured I'll download a podcast about playing or gear. I'll go for the most relevant and talented podcaster I can find, regardless of gender. One of the most famous gear vlogs was done by Rebecca Dirks, for Premier Guitar magazine. She asked good questions. 

I'm so tired of hearing there is not enough diversity in X field. I would argue that podcasting gives minorities more of a chance, because they can use the same rudimentary tools, and if they make the podcasts interesting and on a topic people want to hear about, people will download. Build it and they will come.

Shall we now argue that there weren't enough white people in early blues? 

Naturally there are not enough left handed people in any field. I have to admit I'm not getting enough traction on this.

Your Monthly Minor Media Mangling of Misanthropic Mastication

 Your love is like monkeys flinging poo

What will be revealed in the latest government UFO/UAP Dog and Pony Show?

That Biden forgot how to spell UFO? No.

The truth. 

Ok, some form of the truth.

Damn near a tiny part of the truth, at least.

Can you imagine? 

• alien ships creating traffic jams by flying over congested areas in great numbers. Rubberneckers taking time to stare, making morning commute even more ridiculous. Assholes find out that when you beep angrily at saucers, the occupants stop, get out, and blast you with their ray gun. You ain't comin home tonight, idiot. Traffic gets much more polite.
• aliens becoming integrated into society. Even they laugh at hip facial hair and man buns.
• abductions take place in the open, aliens admit anal probes were a joke.
• aliens charged for cattle mutilations
• aliens demand to be recognized as alien-Americans
• world hostilities stop. Except for China, of course.
• aliens discover alcohol, fail at one-nighters due to equipment incompatibilities.
• saucers start to display bumper stickers - No Fat Blezamps, My Other Car is a Ford, If You Can Read This, You're in Black Projects, I Heart Roswell

Almost related: Can you imagine the first manned trip to Mars when Astronaut #3 forgets his cigarettes? It will be the 1st time a ship ever turned around (at the cost of $2 billion). Everybody wants to grow lettuce on Mars - he wants to grow tobacco. When asked about filters, he says, "Filters are for sissies" (in John Wayne's voice). He gets put in the cargo hold during landing because he keeps asking "ARE WE THERE YET - I NEED A CIG." He gets his own tent because no one else wants to smell like an ashtray. Wipes out the Martians after he teaches them to smoke. When told about this, he says, "Oh man, that's heavy - I need a cigarette." Rest of the astronauts feel superior because they all have NASA blunts. He can't leave Mars for Earth because he's almost out of cigarettes and can't bring his tobacco plants on the ship. The others are terrified of him losing his lighter, because he'll wander outside the ship and use the afterburners to light up.

• The tobacco companies didn't know this shit was addictive like the CIA didn't know crack was addictive.

Today I identify as  screwed

• a fire broke out the other day, in a Washington, DC, Green Zone. The fire was quickly warned to disburse, and when it failed, it was shot and pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. Trump was blamed for fanning the flames.
• The National Guard hopes this serves as a warning to all who plan violence in the area.

Mainstream or Pr0n?:  Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Eat Good Fat, I'm Not Hanging Noodles on Your Ears, Shaft, Inside Phuket Airport

• didja ever break into a lost one's apartment and stay there for a while cuz you missed them? 
• No, not me, I swear. I prefer to wear a piece of their clothing. Like their underwear. This is why I always chose girlfriends who were the same size as me.
• I broke up with somebody once (just once). She'd ignore me then call me to come pick her up somewhere. When I got there, she wasn't around. Then she'd tell me I needed to leave her alone. I think she broke into someone's apartment.

You have no choice but to watch Big Pharma commercials. One of the side effects they tell you to look for is a rash on the perineum, which is the patch of skin between your anus and front-facing plumbing. How in the universe do oral medicines put a rash there? Why is that exact spot important? How can you get people to check it for you? 

Have no worry, fair readers, because you are among the most well-informed readers on the planet. Just in case you aren't intimately familiar with perineal issues, here is a search, complete with pictures (pitchers or pixtures if you live in Philly).

One of the causes is Stevens Johnson Syndrome, named after 2 dudes named Stevens and Johnson, who were the guys who discovered it. Not wanting to have their names associated with this nasty business, they used fake names (although we happen to know their names are Robert Johnson and James Stevens). According to the literature, Stevens Johnson can be caused by anything from sneezing too hard to truck driving to really serious anal sex, and I mean serious. The thrust here, and I am not referring to anal sex, is that this is Really Nasty, and you should get your perineum to the hospital ASAP.

Next week: why search engines mix up perineum with perianal 

Dear lefty 

• In class today, Teacher handed out samples of a food we were discussing. I got nothing, even after some got seconds. What do Good Manners call for?
• ask the teacher if you somehow became invisible, rip the seconds out of the others' hands, clap the erasers over the teacher's samples, or simply whizz on the floor. I guarantee you this will never happen again
• sometimes you need to make a bold statement to be remembered. In that case, find the biggest student in class and whizz on him. This will raise your place in the pecking order and cement your social status

Today the Russians hacked into my bank, but failed to raise my balance. They listed my penis as 8" on the bank form, so I have that going for me.

• On Cream's "Sunshine of Your Love," the first phrase of the guitar lead is the melody from "Blue Moon."

Working from home has required very few adjustments. From me.

I cannot say the same for Others. In fact, sometimes Others make me want to go back to the office.

Today's meeting topic is...

[5 year old who everybody knows sings beautifully] La la LA LA LA lalala

I'm in a MEETING!

Oh, sorry.

And Bob will be telling us about...

BARK BARK BARK BARK

Using Microsoft Teams...

La La La lalalala

No, really, I'm in a meeting.

Oh, sorry.

...and sending a meeting invitation to...

CLANG BANG BOOM BOOM POP BARK BARK BARK BARK

STILL in a meeting.

I wasn't singing, I was cleaning.

Sometimes you clean louder than garbage trucks.

This way we'll all be able to attend...

YEAH, RIGHT, MEN ARE SCUM AND YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVE.

Can you please not yell at the tv?

Was I yelling? If I don't tell them, how will they know? LOOK AT THAT HAIR! CAN YOU IMAGINE?

Technology is amazing, and you can find an answer to most of your problems. I bought one of those ON AIR signs to light up when I'm in a meeting. It was a tremendous idea, which I now realize will fail spectacularly...

Hi, what should I do with these pencils?

[pointing to ON AIR sign]

Oh, sorry. I didn't look.

Lalalalala, La la...

[pointing to ON AIR sign]

Oh, sorry. I forgot.

Oh, sorry. I didn't see the piercing red sign blinking at eye-level.

Oh sorry. The dog distracted me.

I saw the sign, but I needed to know about the pencils!

I'm thinking of adding Remote Shock capability to the sign, so the 2nd time it hears noise, it shocks the person (not the dog) making the noise. Ok, maybe a mechanical buzzer-thing to scare the crap out of them. Technically speaking, my job makes the pencils a reality, knowwhatimsayin? 

• for any of you curious about bipolar disorder, 1 days it's bed the whole day. The next day it's 6 hours of singing and yelling at the tv. Fortunately it's well-controlled.

So we all know not to judge a book by its cover, right?  I just found a concert video station and tune in to see what's on now and then. I noticed whenever I see man buns, shaved sides of heads, or fancy facial hair, the music absolutely sucks. I'll be sure to let you know if I see man buns and the music's great, ok? I'd strongly advise against extensive breath-holding.

Ask 12 musicians and you'll get 12 answers as to which is the lowest form of music. I have endless lowest forms of music, but combine lowest forms of music with movies and you have a recipe for disaster: yes, the musical. Even the dog hates musicals.

I remember watching the movie with L.A. in its title, because everybody was raving about it. Someone asked a question, and BANG - off it went into song. It got no better and was stopped 5 minutes in. I am particularly upset that there was no kind of warning before the movie, like WARNING: in case you didn't know, this is a MUSICAL. Act accordingly. You should probably watch Airplane again, like you always do. They label movies, why not a musical warning?

I should probably love movies, being a musician, but.... they make my skin fall off. A character can answer with a syllable or 2, without breaking into song. Especially when the song sucks. Hmm... this could also explain my dislike of musicals. How about if we develop a rating system for them?

1. at maximum, 1 song. Still tasteful.
2. over 2 songs - definitely getting uncomfortable.
3. it's a full blown musical - AVOID!

I have a good friend who performs in musicals. They have to load me up with liquor and give me a bullet to bite down on, so I don't interrupt the show. Then they whisk me to the car as soon as the show is done, so I don't tell my friend what I think of musicals. Mrs lefty, a very clever woman, says the key to living with me is learning to manage me. It cuts way down on her embarrassment and I'm too stupid to notice, so it's a win-win.  

Related, but not, is the invasion of music into tv shows, generally at the end, before the credits. It started relatively recently and created howling. If you don't believe me, go to your window and open it at the end of a popular show. Listen for the howling. Aren't you surprised? Any shows having music before the end are to be completely avoided, plus a letter to the show, producers, and tv network sent. Tell them we're going to Cancel the show if they keep putting songs in it. Other groups Cancel things for racism or whiny complaints about how someone offended them. We cancel for a real, present danger to the American public: songs in tv shows. Lucifer, the actual devil on earth, does not require music to do his satanic thing. It doesn't help the characters resolve their inner conflicts. It doesn't even help them achieve bowel movements when slightly constipated.

I will not even begin to go into shows being 24 minutes long, to make room for the inane commercials. There are special boxes and software to compress shows to exactly this amount of time to fit. It's pretty damn funny that after 6 minutes of inane commercials, I cannot remember 1 of them, nor what they were for.  Oh, the one where the guy is on the beach? That's pretty funny. What's it for? I have no idea. I think they were selling emus.

Pigeon Prostate Dialectics

 Your love is like  old urine stains

Riley June Williams stole Nancy Pelosi's laptop during the Capitol riots. She was going to sell it to the Russians, but the deal fell through, according to her partner, who alerted the FBI. Williams' charges are very light because Pelosi cannot operate a laptop and does no substantial work. The Russians found several solitaire games and email locked because she can't remember her password. The Russians returned the laptop to Williams, who is currently on the run.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Ancient China from Above, Monster Hunters

• Still haven't spent that Christmas bonus? David Hasselhoff's personal KITT replica is up for auction, currently at $475,000. 
• The Hoff may deliver it, depending on how you look in a Baywatch bathing suit

Right wing site Parler, booted from both app stores and its Amazon hosting, is back. And when I say back, I mean a hello page promising more soon. Mobile access is out, making site access out because mobile users apparently can't open a browser. 

Oops, some of the GPS data shows Parler users were posting from military bases.

Today I identify as fuzzy dice on a car that jumps up and down

Joe Biden is gearing up to take office. And when I say gearing up, I mean paralyzed with fear. He took one look at what was going on and said "I'm not going out there! Orange Man ruined everything!" His handlers had to promise him and his family a trip to Disney. When the offer was made, he asked "What's Disney?" Mickey and Pluto await his family.

One thing Biden will have to deal with is Trump's order for disclosure of UFO unclassified information within about 180 days. Although this is a non-partisan issue, republicans have suggested Joe take a long ride in a UFO. Even though they have no buttocks, the aliens are wary of Joe and know not to let him too close. There is no word for 'handsy' in alien.

Meanwhile in government, there has been a slight shuffle, thought to be due to the reporting requirement. The Navy's Top Man has been made its Bottom Man and responsibility for reporting has been put under Custodial. The Air Force, where many reports are thought to go, will probably elect to go Stupid:

Do you have the report?

Huh?

The report ordered by President Trump 180 days ago.

What report?

The report on UFOs.

Huh?

UFOs.

What report on UFOs?

The CIA will say it does not handle UFOs because J. Edgar Hoover got jealous, so they sent everything to the FBI. The FBI will say there were some instances, but they were buried with J. Edgar, in a simple gown. The DIA knows exactly what Trump was looking for but, dammit, all records on that topic got burned up in a fire, then misplaced. Wright Patterson Air Field, which has the craft, as well as a few of its occupants, will say "Dammit, you just missed them. We sent everything back to Area 51."  Area 51 will say "Is Wright-Patt playing the 'we sent it to Area 51' game again? It must be lost in transit." Meanwhile, no one thought to ask the Department of Illegal Aliens, in Camden, New Jersey, next to the Aquarium. For $27, anyone can see the white alligator, the penguins, and all the UFO documents they can read. You can buy souvenir UFO paper reprints in the Aquarium Store, but you'll never be able to read the writing on the little papers. And by the way - white alligator tastes like chicken.

• Bloomberg leaked some details about Apple's new phone for 2021
• It will be great
• It will be the best
• You will trade your first-born for one
• You will line up around the corner from the Apple store in the traditional position: on your knees, wallet extended, drooling

Always there but invisible is the Secret Service; the men and women charged with protecting the president. Well, not exactly there, but they will be.  Most of them are home or on vacation, in an alcohol or drug-induced haze. Reached for comment, the Service said "Once you've protected Trump, there's nowhere else to go. The lunatics sent death threats at the rate of 1 every 5 seconds. We're not positive, but some of the threats might've come from family (don't quote me on that). Biden will be a veritable vacation. No one wants to do much harm because he's old and fragile. We can keep track of those who do when Parler comes back up. Nobody will bother Kamala because she has more races than we have agents and nobody wants to go down in history as the person who shot not only a woman, but a woman of Race."

Trump's detail is code-named Nuclear, Biden's is Huh." There is likely to be less violence than steering Joe in the right direction. Dick Cheney, I mean Kamala, will actually run things, from the Oval Office's highly secure broom closet, where all vice presidents sleep. Accounts are being set up on Twitter and Faceyspaces. Both will have an Instagram account, so they can show their paper-folding skills. Joe can fold half an airplane, Kamala can do letters, which, when sat next to each other, spell the democratic slogan: This is all we got. The Secret Service has installed a mobile bar in the White House.

• Scientists are surprised to find electric eels hunt in packs. Formerly thought to be solitary hunters, they discovered that if a 120 volt eel hunts with another eel, they have 240 volts with which to zap their prey.

Flying AIDS willing, the Le Mans will go on and Toyota wants to win, with its hybrid GR010 prototype. "The only problem is locating 450 D-batteries," said Mr. Toyota.

Spotify expected Big Bucks<tm> by purchasing exclusive podcasts by the likes of Joe Rogan, who they had to promise they wouldn't censor. Unfortunately for Spotify, they have seen no gains from their strategy.

I'm flummoxed to discover there are podcasts from such world pundits as Michele Obama, Kim Kardashian, and The Duke and Duchess of Sussex. 

Good morning and welcome to Spotify's new podcaster overview. I have with me former first lady, Michele Obama. Mrs. Obama, tell us about your podcast.

Thank you, Bob. The main thrust of my podcast will be trans rights. I'll be spending time on the many proofs that I'm not a man, and many others on why my husband was the bestest president ever and should be re-elected again and again. I will be vice president, then president, when Barack gets tired of it. You have no idea how many people voted for us him because we're black. Even Hollywood loves us, and each week I'll have another superstar on with me. Also how I'm a fashion icon and soooo much more beautiful than Melania, whose idiot husband prevented her from getting positive press. The celebrities appearing on the podcast will affirm how beautiful I am.

I see.

Your podcast seems a bit self-centered.

Well, Bob, all of our fans are clamoring to enjoy the same themes that occurred during the crowning Obama administration. But I'll tell you a funny story about your next president: he was an idiot - a real bumbler, bound to say the wrong thing or squeeze the wrong woman whenever he got the opportunity. So he was kept in the White House basement, tied to a chair, for 8 years. If we weren't fond of a certain country, we'd sit Joe next to them at dinners. They referred to it as getting Bidened.

That was Michele Obama. Thank you, Mrs. Obama.

Next up is Kim Kardashian. [bang CRASH]

Uh... Kim.... the chairs are the metal things.

Silly me. Hi, Bob.

Hi, Kim. Can you tell us about your podcast?

Well, ummm.... like... a lot of selfies. A lot of selfies. We live on selfies. If we don't take at least 147 a day, we may wind up back in therapy. There are so many selfies to take.. .ones getting in the car. Ones getting out of the car. Heehee - ones sitting in the car.

Who is driving the car?

Oh, my daddy.

Isn't your father dead?

He was. But our antics brought him back from the grave, to save what little was left of humanity. Check my site for the latest selfies of me and him. Like, duh.

What else will listeners be treated to?

Well, ya know, stuff. And things. I have lots of thoughts and I'll be sharing them. The ones that I remember, silly. Some of my thoughts are pretty deep. I shared them at the White House once. Drab place - I should totally redecorate. Of course there will be style. Every podcast will feature selfies of my wardrobes for the show.

Wardrobes?

Oh, totally. I'll be changing 4-5 times per podcast. A girl should never be caught wearing the same clothes over 15 minutes at a time. Plus the big secret: I'm really a blond. I color my hair so people think I'm smart and shit.

I see. What else?

Well, like... isn't that enough? I could put out a 60 minute podcast of me breathing and my legions of fans will devour it. They'd all study it to breathe just like me, Heehee. I'm.. you know... a social influencer. I get paid millions to wear stuff so it'll sell. I get paid whether it does or not. And people call me stupid. Stupid like a fly, I am.

Will Kanye appear?

Oh, HIM.

No, I'm, like, tired of him.

You know you can't shed a husband like an outfit, right?

You can't?

Thank you, Kim.

Finally, on this podcast preview, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex

Good day, Robert.

What can we expect from your podcast?

Well, Ringo...

Robert.

Well, Robert, we're the young generation and we've got something to say, to quote The Monkees. They were fantastically big. At one point, bigger than our Beatles. We have a dog named after us.

The Sussex Spaniel?

Exactly, Rado.

Robert.

Exactly, Robert. Frightful little thing. We have 2 and they pee all over the kids. Or rather, the kids pee all over the dogs - I always get those 2 mixed up.... kids and urine.

What else can we expect?

Well, Radiccio...

Robert.

Well, Robert, we are going to clear the air on many topics, the main one being my wife.

The Duchess of Sussex?

Her too. You see, I married a woman of mixed race. While that would get me in the White House in the States, it doesn't sit well with Royalty. Seems they're a bit hypocritical, I'd say. I think they're also jealous that she is so hot. You see, Royalty has a multi-thousand year tradition of being unattractive. Unappealing. Turning subjects to stone. Stone ugly. Ugly enough to scare the white off rice. Now that we've gone and broken the tradition, we seem to have angered everyone. I mean, look at her, Rembrandt...

Robert.

Look at her, Robert. Wouldn't you take your royal sword in hand and wield it with precision in her general direction?

Yes, Your Majesty.

I suspect one of the reasons she's so reviled is that, even in the Royal Palace, she doesn't turn into a great green lizard, like the Queen. This was bound to cause division but we never thought of it, back when parts of me were saluting one of her entrances. Like all Americans, she's a 3 input girl.

Mixed marriages are hard.

You are telling me, Rufus.

Robert.

So we plan to do as much good as we can for humanity. My mother is Diana, you know. Killed, she was. Her driver was on PCP and the video cameras under the bridge pulled an Epstein and went out for the first time since they were mounted.

One of the most severe problems we face is the hat issue. The Duchess, being American, is not used to hats, especially ridiculous ones. In Britain, women like their hats. They will put almost anything on their heads. Some sport circus animals, but if they don't match the outfit, the elephants need to be dyed. To show there's no division between Royalty and commoners, there's a weight limit for hats: up to 1/2 of the lady's body weight. This way, everybody has an equal chance to wear the most unseemly thing on their heads they can. This is provided it gets through doors. At the last horse race, one woman wore an entire horse (dyed green, of course) on her head and the ambulance people had to take her out on a plus size stretcher so she didn't have to remove it. It's more competitive than horse racing. The Duchess is getting her spine realigned so she can put these monstrosities upon her head. Rather, so her Hat Installation Team can place them upon her head. There are certain advantages to being a Royal. The first time the Duchess saw a woman wearing a row of spectator seats on her head, she almost fainted, not to mention the lady wearing the old Chevrolet. What's worse, it was left hand drive!  We wish to dispel many myths about Royalty and getting kicked out of Royalty, Renee.

Robert.

So that's what we have coming up in podcasts. Still, no one knows why revenues are plummeting. Download our podcasts, even if you just like to watch things burn.

In a move that absolutely no one can understand, scientists have improved the efficiency of certain solar cells with capsaicin. Capsaicin is the substance that makes peppers hot. Who in the entire bleedin universe thought of this?

• Hey Bob - let's improve its efficiency by sprinkling some capsaicin on it.
• Hey - you've got your solar cells in my capsaicin! Hey - you've got your capsaicin in my solar cells!
• Everything tastes better with hot pepper!
• Scientists will spend the next month trying different peppers. I highly recommend chipotles, which make food come alive with smoky goodness.

Buoyed by the news, scientists are also trying fried chicken in car engines, garlic powder in tennis rackets, and turmeric in cell phones.

Triple Reverse SJW 

GitHub wants you to know it is very sorry for firing a Jewish employee for writing in an internal Slack chat room, "Stay safe, Homies. Nazis are about" during the Trump riots. He was fired after another employee tagged him for using divisive rhetoric.

The employee used what could be the best line ever: "I did not know that, as a Jew, it would be so polarizing to say this word."  The employee had relatives who died in the Holocaust. Gee, since he didn't know it was polarizing, and because he's a Jew, they shouldn't have fired him. GitHub said, "After all, black people don't know it's polarizing to say nigger and can say it with impunity."

Meanwhile. GitHub is trying to hire the ex-employee back but they can't find him. Even from all his documentation, with his phone number on it, they are experiencing significant difficulties. GitHub referred to itself as Stupid Polacks.

The Issue of Angular Localization Along the Line of Sight

 Your love is like  acid. or LSD.

What gets into people who write 'scholarly papers'?

While the rest of the world can write a coherent sentence, understandable by the rest of the world, some of these people go to universities strictly to learn how to produce obfuscated papers. It could be that the papers have no value in the first place, but, as an average Bob, we have no idea. The title of this entry is taken directly from a paper I'm trying to decipher, about SETI By Entanglement. See - even the title is incomprehensible!

Google has translations from all sorts of languages, but not Scholarly. I wonder what it would tell me if I put it into the translate box... early Swahili? I don't think Google has any way to translate the ngghs and mmphs, as well as the winks, which signify Scholarly: we got another one through.

Go ahead and click the link, if you're feeling brave. Remember "Men Who Stare at Goats"? It's along those lines, but more complex. I dare you. It's a link from a blog entry called "Communication with Non-Human Intelligence, Visionary Experiences, & Propulsion Science in Space."  

Of course it is.

There's a YouTube video here.

Put through the lefty Translator, using the Drunk setting, it's about semi-altered states communicating with something or other outside your body. While fascinating, I still can't speak Scholarly.  

If any of you can translate any more of it to us, please comment.

• The great thing about not getting out much is that I'm safe. No Flying AIDS worries with me.
• I'm also really safe because I don't do drugs. Or drink. Why do people cringe when I say I could sell my urine?

Today the Russians hacked into my work computer and sent naughty emails to the Chinese, accusing them of being way too tall on purpose.

It was a sad event today, as I discovered the closest musical instrument store had gone under. It was there almost as long as I was. To be truthful, I only went in once, but that was because it was kinda junior league. I was happy just knowing it was there, though. I assume the Flying AIDS killed it. Online stores probably had a hand in it. As of now, I know of 1 mom and pop store, about 20 minutes away, and the chain stores, further out. This area in general absolutely sucks for guitar stores. This shouldn't be so, due to the size of the area. So, another one down.

Today I identify as  that whammy bar thing on guitars

• Channeling his inner John Lennon, the president said only Jesus Christ is more famous than him.
• And all of the celebrities coming back to the White House, now that there's a democrat in office

• Nancy Pelosi breaks down in tears as she brands the Capitol riot an 'assault on our democracy'
• The other problem here is that the Elite take no responsibility for their own actions. They don't have to.

It is what it is: this idiotic phrase should go too.

Maybe we can replace it with an equally bright arrangement of words: "Well, water's wet."

Thanks for picking up dinner, Dear.

You're welcome.

Is that... macaroni and cheese?

Yes, I got you a side order.

But I don't like macaroni and cheese. For the 25 years we've been together.

You eat Velveeta and shells.

Velveeta isn't cheese. Didn't we have this same discussion the last time you got me a side of macaroni and cheese?

At least I got dessert.

What's that?

Peach cobbler.

Have you ever seen me eat a peach?

No.

Have you ever seen me eat a cobbler?

No.

Do I complain that this place has absolutely nothing for dessert?

Yes.

Then why waste the money?

I forgot if you ate it or not.

I just saw a commercial for a gay tv network. In the entire 30 second commercial, I did not see 1 woman. This is the commercial we need to show people who don't like gays. Nothing but men kissing and grinding on other men. It was so incredibly gay, it made me uncomfortable, and I don't care what anybody does in their spare time. It was so gay, Ru Paul hosted most of the shows. It was so gay, all music was by boy bands. It was so gay, most of the guys had sweaters tied around their necks, even the topless ones. It was so gay, Ellen hosted Rachel Maddow all week. It was so gay, some guys had two man buns. It was so gay, there weren't any gay women.  It wasn't just gay, it was very gay.

As much as I can't stand people and governments having power over us, there was a large group that made sure that I had free access to contraception, from age 13 to present. They also made sure my girlfriends had free contraception, going so far as offering to pay for having their tubes tied. The group wanted to be very careful to guarantee that I would not reproduce. I hear they were funded by a very powerful, shadowy group, which nobody actually saw. They communicated by morse code, when the atmospheric conditions were favorable.

So now I stay in a lot. My friends can't come out to play cuz they have kids. I have to entertain myself. I learned a valuable lesson in school: don't entertain yourself in class. All my classmates screamed and ran out the door. Except Bobby. I didn't like the way he was looking at me, so I screamed and ran out the door.

In spite of the bluster, President Trump is packing and getting ready to leave

the White House (by February 31st). We have some inside information on what he's taking and what he's leaving...

Taking

• whoopee cushions
• breast implant catalog
• 243 cases of his book
• lots and lots of mirrors
• book - How to Pick Up Only the Attractive Pr0n Stars Next Time
• X-rated selfie of Kim Kardashian plus video of Melania knocking the stuffing out of her
• awards from Israel, inscribed "They're Just Not Ready for You Yet" and "Send More Money"
• 1 set encyclopedias, only covers Q
• pillows signed by the My Pillow guy

Leaving

• exploding whoopee cushions
• gift subscription to Alzheimers Weekly (or monthly - I can't remember)
• 244 cases of his book
• the secret Clinton video library
• non-functioning Obama Magic Teflon
• Everyone Must Get Bombed, by G. Bush
• Dick Cheney's old, unstable stash of explosives
• LBJ's Official White House Yacht (nobody wanted to be the one to tell him there was no White House Ocean to put it in)
• certificate of appreciation from Hollywood
• collection of love letters from Nancy Pelosi, some dating back to Lincoln

The head of NASA, on the job for about 16 years and typically missing from his office, called a meeting with his staff to discuss 'this Mars thing.' None of the employees can figure out what he does while he's missing, but the scuttlebutt has him 'entertaining' all the First Ladies, to having another job at the Pentagon, to regularly taking trips to Mars by himself. 

So what's going on with this Mars thing? I've been... errrr..... busy.

Well, we sent a probe, which got to Mars and it blew up.

That's not good. What happened next?

We sent another probe, which got to Mars and it blew up.

We have a budget, you know.

We had success with the next probe, which actually landed on Mars, totally without blowing up.

Well, that's nice. What then?

Small problem: while it was orbiting, it took pictures of a huge face.

Whose face?

We don't know, but it took us close to a year to deny it was a face. We had to find experts to say it was just random, then we had to use our least accurate film, like we used in the 60s, even though the rest of the planet we shot in high detail. People caught that very quickly.

Hmmm...what then?

The probe landed and the Mars Explorer got out and started exploring.

Mars Explorer?

It's like a dune buggy that we drive from Earth.

What if it has a flat?

We used the same tires Billy Bob Franklin uses on his pickup for muddin'.

Good thought. How did that go?

It started ok, we got lots of samples, but then 'things' started happening.

Things?

Yes, Sir, things.

What sort of things?

Well, Mars being dusty, we'd notice the cameras were being cleaned every now and then. Then STP stickers on the trunk. 

Uh-oh - what did you do?

We forgot to release the pictures to the public, like we always do.

Very good.

Things got worse, though...

Oh no...

While the Rover was driving around, it would come across signs. Road signs.

Road signs? 

Yes. They said things like "Acme Mars Exploration Kit, STOP and go home, and OF COURSE THERE ARE ALIENS HERE, YOU IDIOTS."

Grab me some antacid, please.

We airbrushed the signs.

What was going on up there?

We believe it was the aliens, Sir.

ALIENS?

Yes. They seem to have a wicked sense of humor.  One day they replaced the Rover's battery motor with one off a Chevy dragster. It turns out bumps are less of a problem with a 427. Naturally they did the face too. One of the eyes winked.

Has anybody seen my medicine? How has the Explorer lasted so long?

The aliens keep refueling it. Plus they make small improvements in its design.

Where does anybody find dragster fuel on Mars?

No idea, Sir. The wide angle lens shows it's full of racing stickers, and someone installed a gun rack on it, with a coupla 12 gauges.

No wonder the Pentagon has been paging me the last 5 years. Where's my Jack Daniels?

We had a plan.

Oh, Jesus, what?

We showed pictures of the Explorer to a few Good Ole Boys and told them the Martians are making fun of them. They built the first ever Mars-Bound NASCAR and were there in about a week to clean things up.

And how did that go?

Remember what happened to the first 2 probes?

Who's got my Vicodin? 

• RIP Phil Spector (81) from Flying AIDS, in prison. He did some great production, before he lost his grip.
• Why should 1 person die of this in prison? Nursing home?

Remember Men Who Stare at Goats? When the program became better known, some of the Men talked to lawmakers. Some lawmakers said "you're the antichrist." Others said "You're doing God's work." Weren't you scared enough about lawmakers in the first place?

California's top epidemiologist told healthcare providers on Sunday to stop using a batch of Moderna's COVID-19 vaccine after a "higher than usual" number of people had apparent allergic reactions at a San Diego vaccination clinic.