Do I Get Paid if the Aliens Abduct Me at Work?

Welcome to the (nearly) All Alien Edition of ThermionicEmissions

 Your love is like  a couple of whacks with an axe

Mom: what are you kids doing every day up the mountain?

Kid: we're flagging down aliens to do anal probes on them

Mom: I should know better than to ask you questions

• if you're looking for something to bridge the ages, try a Dunkin frozen hot chocolate. My aged mother drinks more and faster than me

Today I identify as my brother. Small wonder my mother's nuts.

• never mind UFOs - I had a close encounter with the IRS
• you get an anal probe with either 

Studies indicate that between 1-6% of people have been abducted by aliens

Studies indicate that 1% of people have multiple personalities

Studies indicate that 10% of people are left handed

Studies indicate that studies are a good field to be in

Over on Reverb.com, the first ever (1952) Fender lefty Telecaster showed up. For $150,000. I looked with great interest, but for some reason, I passed. It went down to $120,000 and I still passed. Just the other day it went to $100,000. Mrs. lefty said I'd need another job, at least. Maybe 3. Today I got a notice that someone put a bid on it. This is designed to make me sit up and take notice, then rush over to Reverb and buy it before it gets away. It's very handy for $50 items, less so for $100,000 items. I honestly don't see myself reacting with an adrenaline dump, saying to myself YOU BETTER GET ONLINE AND MAKE YOUR BID BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE GETS IT!

I told Mrs. lefty that I'd rather have a late 50s lefty Stratocaster, which I can get for considerably less ($17,000 to $70,000). She succeeded in not cracking up while looking at me impassively. Finally it hit me, as all good things do, at 3am. so I had to stifle the I GOT IT. I'm not counting, but there has been an obscene amount of shoes and clothes coming in the past year. None cost even $100. The trick is to bring the guitars in piece by piece, thereby keeping the immediate cost down. Unfortunately this idea crumbles for even a cheap ($20,000) late 50s lefty Stratocaster because they don't break them up. I need to rethink this idea. Or take a 3rd mortgage. And a 4th.

I mentioned documentaries, sometimes of the paranormal, and one of the Latina Trans Beauty Pageant.  It used to be just UFOs, the ghosts, then ghost shows. So now it's Bigfoot. There's one on Very Tall Persons, like 7-8-9'. There are bones to prove it. They reference tall persons in religious texts. And the latest, a documentary on sexting. 50 year olds sexting.

As with anything else, one must limit one's self to specific areas or the brain will explode. So I've decided to let Very Tall Persons and 50 year old sexters go without my viewage. They'll do just fine without me. Ok, Bigfoot and trans beauty pageants too. I've been through ghosts and I am an alien, so those are out. So my brain will never be in danger of exploding (from this) and I'm back to WHY WOULD PEOPLE WATCH THESE BIZARRE DOCUMENTARIES? Because they're better than the ones on naked pygmies, putz.

ALIEN LEADER: Tonight's abductions will start over the US, with something called lefty.

ALIEN #1: Oh, he watches a lot of documentaries on us doesn't he?

ALIEN #2: Tonight he gets the real thing

[alien laughter]

lefty: is that you, Honey? 2am is a little early for you to come to bed. No? Penny, please don't hide any dead animal treats under the covers. C'mon, I gotta go to work tomorrow.

ALIEN LEADER: he's supposed to be hypnotized and unable to move by now

ALIEN#1: he isn't

ALIEN LEADER: Thank you for that brilliant bit of analytics. Hypnotize him!

ALIEN#1: we can't

ALIEN LEADER: what do you MEAN you can't?

ALIEN #2: he won't shut up. He keeps asking questions about how we do stuff and being annoyed at the traffic outside for this time of night. He says our saucer makes too much noise.

ALIEN LEADER: Look, we've abducted 250,000 over the last few years. Why is there a problem all of the sudden?

ALIEN #2: he says we'll never be able to do it: you can't hypnotize someone if you can't get them to pay attention for more than a microsecond.

ALIEN #1: he sure asks a lot of questions. He's giving us a lot of crap for making Barney Hill cry. He wants to know if we're left handed and what makes us think we can pop into people's bedrooms and make off with them. He also says that if he's forced to have sex with our women, he's using a condom, because he doesn't like children.

ALIEN#1: Sir, I think we shouldn't bother with this one. I have a feeling he's going to be more trouble than he's worth. We'd do better abducting his dog.

ALIEN #2: do we really need a ship full of hybrid puppies?

ALIEN LEADER: Agreed. Let's go to California. The variety is endless, provided we don't abduct any freaks. Never mind. New York.

------whoosh-----

IF you get abducted, once you get past the fear and change your pajamas, what do you say?

• do you have AAA?
• I haven't had a vacation in years. Could you drop me back in Bermuda?
• I have a friend who'd appreciate the anal probe way more than me
• when you put me back, please put my underwear on the right way, or my wife will think I'm fooling around
• is there a horn, in case you need to blow off an asshole in a different saucer?
• stop looking at sperm and do something about cancer - make yourself useful
• your sunglasses must be HUGE, yet you have no nose to rest them on
• You guys sure spend a lot of time studying humans. Either you're incredibly stupid or incredibly kinky. And what's with the cows?
• How come the ladies don't have a mouth or ears, but have a vagina? OH.

We interrupt our All Alien Issue for a complaint and request for assistance.

It's Mrs. lefty's phone. It's set so loud, people Iraq hear it. People in the cemetery hear it. The Space Station has reported hearing it. Unfortunately, when she goes to bed, she leaves it out, because she doesn't want it to disturb her. So it disturbs ME. Imagine a nice spring day. Just a few birds chirping. The loudest noise is the keys on my laptop, as I put together something for the blog. All of the sudden: RINNNNG RINNNNGGGG BLARGITY RINNNNG BEAT BEAT RINNNNNNG. The dog and I are now firmly attached to the ceiling, upside down, hoping we can hold on til we figure out how to get down without broken paws. 

If I wanted to be sneaky, I could set the phone to ring quietly whenever she wasn't holding it. This would take care of my problem immediately, but if she discovered it, I'd be the first ever Cell Phone Beating death. She can't set it to ring less frighteningly after certain times, because she never knows when she'll be up. It's 3pm and the phone just made me change my underwear. She can't take the phone to bed with her because she won't remember to. If I follow the phone and lower the ringer, she'll just hide it on me, almost like she enjoys giving me PTSD. 

I ask you, dear readers, if you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments. I have only one nerve left, and it's fraying.

• The WHO says animals likely the source of the Flying AIDS
• they urge you to tune in next week, when there will be a different guess

Since it's March somethingorother, it's Passover for the Jews. 

Why March? 

Because it's not April.

Passover occurs in April sometimes, but no one knows why. Perhaps aliens.

I looked up when it started. There is a website for everything. It starts Sunday.

But the Jewish people are tricky: the holidays start at sundown the previous evening, so the calendars are never right. Perhaps they have something against calendar makers, I dunno. The smartest way to tell when Passover is approaching is to observe the Jewish section of the supermarket. It pops up out of nowhere, like  farts at an important business meeting. The supermarket people are wise, and have a way of letting people know what they can and can't eat at Passover. They have huge rolls of stickers that say Kosher for Passover, and run around the store, applying them to soda and canned chicken. Nobody knows why soda wouldn't be kosher in the first place, but they appreciate the fine work the supermarket staff does.  You're probably asking yourself what the store does with the leftover matzoh it doesn't sell. It puts them out the next year, because nobody will know the difference. Get your 2021 2022 matzoh - fresh!

Passover is when the Easter Bunny painted the houses of the Jews, in a particularly camouflaged pepto pink, then led them around the desert for years and years, because there were no maps at the time. Because they were always on the march and forgot to bring their ovens, they couldn't bake bread. God was very mad about this and punished them with matzoh. Matzoh is a kind of Jewish cracker, which is almost flavorless, and sucks up every bit of moisture in your mouth when eaten. The best thing to do with matzoh is not eat it. In fact, nutritionists recommend eating the cardboard container it comes in, as it has better flavor and more fiber.

As a result, Jews cannot eat bread during Passover. 

To give you an idea of how solemn a holiday it is, this means you can't have pizza.

In a failed attempt to give the matzoh some flavor, some deep-fry it. This produced deep-fried matzoh bits. It's very confusing, and tastes nothing like you get down south, where they deep fry anything that will sit still long enough, like Oreos, chairs, and refrigerators. Some make matzoh pizza and other equally nauseating treats. Face it, folks... you're fooling yourself - like marriage.

I asked the Neighborhood Jew why he ate the stuff. He told me it tastes good with butter or peanut butter. If I had to eat the stuff, I'd tell myself it tastes good too, like B vitamins or soap. I ate a lot of soap when I was little.

 

The smart Jews are like the Observant Catholics, who go to church at Easter and Christmas. They observe Passover at the deli, over corned beef on rye.

Oh yeah, there's also this stuff called gefilta fish. People call it fish and take it on faith (ha!) that it's fish, but it looks, smells, and tastes absolutely nothing like fish. It is eaten with purple-ish horseradish that leaves no doubt as to what it is. If you were to sniff the jar of this horseradish, you'd never grow nose hair, or much other hair, ever again. Smoke would come out your ears, like a Roadrunner cartoon. But the fish.... it's kinda like plant burgers - you don't know what's in them. At least the plant burgers allegedly taste sort of like a burger, which is more than can be said for the fish. It's like the SPAM of fish. It comes in a jar, which I can safely say is like no other fish. It's roughly poop-shaped, which should serve as a warning. It's kinda cratered, like the Moon. While it has 100% more flavor than matzoh, so does liver. It is also eaten once a year, for obvious reasons.

I don't know why so many people hate the Jews: I feel sorry for them.

Today's Poll

How many seconds before I hear from the Anti Defamation League?

• 5
• 10
• they were on the phone before this was posted

The court ruled in favor of a "devout Christian" professor who was disciplined because he "refused to refer to students by their 'preferred pronouns.'"

He should have gotten the death penalty for something this serious.

The court held that university officials and a lower federal district court failed to recognize the professor’s First Amendment rights to free speech and to the free exercise of his religion. By so holding, the court decried the notion that a university might “wield alarming power to compel ideological conformity.”

Whoo.. this is a rough one....

His complaint was that he didn't want to address children by their preferred gender identity. 

Is he really this religiously addled?

Has the school gone this far insane that this is an offense at all?

Apparently the grievous offense was referring to an outward-appearing male as Sir. The student "demanded" to be referred to as a woman and use "feminine titles and pronouns."

The teacher believes his sincerely held religious beliefs prevented him from communicating messages about gender identity that he believes are false.

Although I have no religious objection, I believe that pronouns are stupid. I guess I'd have to pick up a religious objection quickly, if I wanted to win a case. I'm sure the Flying Spaghetti Monster could come up with something.

Well... this is a state institution, so the state has to be very careful. If it were some other, non-state school, it wouldn't be an issue. This is too nuanced for me.

Contrast this to the shootings on spring break in Virginia.

• The HMS Stupid is still stuck in the Panama Canal
• worldwide shipping has been affected
• to partially offset costs, the ship has opened an onboard restaurant, with naked dancing

The biggest expansion of the federal government in a generation is underway, a pandemic-inspired shift in resources and responsibilities that will challenge President Biden and the Democrats to demonstrate that they can make government work. 

Thanks, Joe, and those that elected him. Once again, we're going in the wrong direction and it will cost us, both in terms of money and liberties. It's not that we don't learn, it's that we flat out refuse to learn.

• Lifeguards in LA can earn up to $392,000. Who do they think they are - Anthony Fauci?

The US Strategic Command tweeted ";l;;gmlxzssaw" the other day.

30 minutes later they took it down.

• This was a test of the Nuclear Command. If it had been a real alert, you'd have been dead way before we retracted the alert.
• We was just foolin'
• This social media thing is just waaaay beyond us
• the Captain fell on the keyboard while doing his secretary
• incoming from Hawaii!

More Fun Than a Miami Beach Weekend

 Your love is like  mennistration

• Miami Beach is on high alert as another spring break weekend starts...
• Officials are flummoxed - they didn't expect another weekend 7 days after the last one 

How does an 18 year old rack up 43 tickets? 148mph on a chase through NY, in his Infiniti. Social media helped identify him. The NY League of Luxury Cars will be picking up his tab. They can't believe that an 18 year old already shows the utter assholiness of drivers over twice his age.

• I don't know about you, but I'm vibrating, with the thought that there will soon be no more masks required. Then I can get back to guitar shopping, and complaining there's nothing there for me.

Sesame Street adds new muppets to teach race.

Dad, we have 2 new kids on the block - Luther and DeShawn. They're black.

How come DeShawn's dad sits home all day and Luther's dad works?

First of all, son, we're all the same. Understand that. Black people have a substance called melanin in their skin, which makes it black.

But Dad - if DeShawn's dad doesn't work, how do they always have the big TVs and new video games? Their car is nicer than ours.

Well, Son, it's like this..... go ask your mother.

"Cinderella" production canceled over concerns the cast is too white.

Especially Cinderella. Where do they get off making her white? Even though they're her sisters, why can't they be black? The pumpkin, when it turned into a limousine, had no shag carpeting or large chrome appointments. It didn't even have a musical horn. The footmen were white, which is good. There wasn't a single purple velvet hat with a feather sticking out of it either.

Chanhassen Dinner Theaters in Minnesota has decided to scrap the project and go with Footloose in 2022. They will need to wait that long to find a black Jewish lesbian that looks like Kevin Bacon. The Bacon character will discover that the school won't let her play her Biggie and Tupac jams. The entire school will learn to scream "That's Racist" and everything will be ok.

The initial idea was to cast a long-haired guy who wasn't allowed to play his Nordic Death Metal, but that was also deemed too white. Let's face it - they're right... how many black Nordic death metal fans are there?

A Boston high school's football coach was fired because his team used anti-semitic language on the field. Naturally, the Anti Defamation League is involved. The school itself is calling foul because there are no Jewish players in football or in the stands, so they wonder why there is any objection. The Anti Defamation League just knows...

• This will be absolutely shocking, but I'm having an issue with the work iDevice. I can't get it to ring. It blinks nicely, though. It's not a huge issue, as all I ever get is spam calls. Fortunately it dials, or at least it did 2 years ago, when I made my last call. My skin burns when I pick it up, so I avoid it. It's like when I go to the mall and there's an iStore- I have to stand far away from it or I start to sizzle. 

The Department of Homeland Security was put into place after 9-11 to spy monitor terrorist communications. Now they want to spy on monitor domestic terrorism. Scope creep in spying. Government overreach. Shock and surprise. And of course they'd never spy on innocent Americans, like the NSA.

• Something huge and invisible is making nearby stars vanish, scientists propose
• Rob Reiner unavailable for comment 

Bill Gates says world should be 'back to normal' by end 2022.

Biill Gates - amateur virologist, professional rich person, philanthropist, and man to be tried by the World Court for crimes against humanity (Windows).

• a gene defect may make rabbits do handstands instead of hop
• after a liquid Friday lunch, scientists tried implanting the defect in giraffes

The Suez Canal remains blocked by the ship whose captain invested too heavily in mushrooms. 706 cubic feet of sand needs to be removed to get the ship through. The ship is doing its best to get out, but the real problem is the other ships rubbernecking.

Seniors who got vaccinated and are going back out into the world are freaking out their children, who want to control them to keep them safe...

Dad, I told you no going outside til you had your vaccine!

But sonnnnn.. I got both shots.

Dad, you will stay inside. It's for your own good.

But whyyyyyyyyy?

We don't really know how safe anyone is after the shots.

But Son, the vaccine companies just got around to telling us we're safe.

FINE. But I want you to wear a mask!

I don't WANT to wear a mask.

Dad, how many times have I told you to be safe?

But I got the shots....

And stay close to home. 

But I had a date in the next county over.

NO.

I hate you, Son. You ruin EVERYTHING.

Relationships

When they first got together, he'd say good morning. She had a look in her eyes and said, "Wanna?"

Many years later, he'd say good morning. She had a look in her eyes and said, "Coffee?"

Are you an uneducated coward, threatening Asian-Americans by spraypainting their businesses or using social media? Be careful - they're hiring security and buying guns. Better yet, go ahead...

• Amazon denies workers pee in bottles
• "You don't really believe the peeing in bottles thing, do you?"
• Once caught, Amazon said that's it's not what it looks like: it's not because employees can't go to the bathroom - it's for drug testing.
• Oh.

The latest from Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top), off his upcoming solo album

Hollywood 151

No doubting who it is with your eyes closed

Notable is drummer Matt Sorum, formerly of Guns N Roses

Graham Chapman is Still Funnier than Jerry Seinfeld

 Your love is like  noticing it's starting to rain. as you're at the picnic.

In the latest We Have No Idea What We're Talking About - Flying AIDS Division:

US officials publicly question AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine data

“may have provided an incomplete view of the efficacy data,”

America's Doctor (Mengele), Anthony Fauci, said

The announcement may contribute to some unnecessary hesitancy around the AstraZeneca vaccine

 the public said

OMG, are you f-ing kidding us. Again?

 the American Association of Bicycle Repairmen said

Eh, somebody's not telling us the truth. Hand me that wrench?

 the World Association of Drug Addicts said

and they're upset at the stuff WE put in our veins....

 Douglas Adams' note to self reveals he found writing to be torture. He was so good at it. The man was hysterical.

The man who wrote The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe had a lot of anxiety around writing.  You can get in on the crowdfunded hardback book, to be published in 2022. I will.

• To the shock of absolutely no one, President Biden has already jumped up to call for gun control, in the wake of the supermarket shooting.

Endowed by their creator... life, liberty, pursuit of happiness... etc..

The First Amendment acknowledges that Americans are already endowed with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The Second Amendment does the same for guns.

They are pre-existing rights.

"Common sense gun control" is a phrase to catch people who don't think critically and don't know or care about their rights.

It is up to all of us to guard our rights. They're being taken away by bits... soon we'll have few, if any...

• Miami has overreacted with the emergency curfew (black leaders)
• agreed
• It's so bad, 2 on spring break were bitten by sharks
• the sharks are obviously racist

Today I identify as  Jimi Hendrix. It's done wonders for my playing, but not much for my respiration.

• Lemmy Kilmister was one of the baddest asses in rock. He had his ashes put into bullets, given to his closest friends.

There are hierarchies to everything in life.

For instance, the UFO people comb the tv networks and internet for news and documentaries.

While combing, they come across Bigfoot documentaries. This is beneath them. These people are nuts. Bigfoot! Imagine.

There's that Tsoukalos guy... ALIENS! Aliens built the pyramids. C'mon.

While I haven't checked with any particular groups for their reaction, I just came across a documentary on Latina trans beauty pageants. I have no thoughts or ranking of these folks - they deserve their own, like everyone else. But the guy with the large wig, 5:00 shadow, and lisp, is somewhat obvious when you hit that channel. There is an episode of COPS when they pull over a guy on his way to a female impersonator contest. Be honest - he looks like he did his homework. Except for the full beard. To keep the hilarity going, the cop asks about pageants.

So I'm going to take a step and rank trans beauty pageants a step below 'conventional' beauty pageants, which are already below Bigfoot level.  

Before anybody gets upset or offended, if I can poke fun at UFOnauts, Bigfoot hunters, and beauty pageants, trans pageants are fair game. 

So we've established that I've never sued anybody, and that I'm not offended. 

Not much of an American, am I?

I feel kinda....  small.

I seek your help. Please send suggestions, via Comments, about what I can be offended by. Not your niggling little offenses that I write about. A really GOOD offended. A take to the streets, write to the editor, blind rage, red-in-the-face, cancel culture offended.

Thank you.

• Just to make things more interesting on the Flying AIDS front, some of the hand sanitizers that people hoarded contain a carcinogen called benzene. We were told to wash our hands like Obsessive-Compulsive hand-washers.
• Apparently benzene is ok, then. You know, aside from than cancer thing...
• yet another reason to scrap most of the government - they're useless and only suck up tax dollars.

Speaking of which, the gunman, Ahmad Alissa, was known to the FBI.

The FBI: known for setting up acts of terror then arresting the hapless perpetrator...

So the NSA, which is not allowed to play on American soil, taps every conversation in the country, but the FBI knows of an Islamist, who has made ridiculous Faceyspaces posts... his own family said he was mentally ill.

Scrap most of the government. Peacefully. At the voting booth.

• The Flying AIDS has caused a rise of 7.4% in streaming music revenues
• hasn't done a thing to make music better 

Wow.... just above I mentioned the First Amendment and rights disappearing.

A doctor is up on hate crimes charges for using an ethnic slur. This, while not particularly nice, is still free speech. The SJWs are gutting #1A. The doctor's behavior was reprehensible, including keying the man's car. Again, sometimes free speech is ugly, but that's the price of free speech - sometimes you disagree with it. These laws need to be tested in courts.

• RIP George Segal (87) - complications during bypass surgery

Mike Ditka is shilling for life insurance.

The kind where you can't be turned down.

Best of all, there's a 60 day money back guarantee.

If you buy life insurance, how could you possibly use a 60 day guarantee?

I want my $10 back. 

Why?

Ummm..... just cuz.

Why?

Discrimination.

We do not discriminate. 

Yeah... but... you don't offer it for people over 100.

I'm going to rush you your refund. If you're local, I'll personally bring it by.

Why?

Because no business wants you as a customer. Entire customer service manuals are written about the likes of you. They all say to get rid of you, as quickly as possible.

I want my $10 back.

Why?

Substandard coverage.

You signed up for it.

Hidden clauses.

You had every clause on the papers you signed.

It was in 10 point Roman. 

That's the most readable font.

It's too small.

Operators are available 24/7 to read it to you or for any questions.

I didn't like it.

How can you not like life insurance? Did you have a chance to use it? 

Ummm... no. 

Then what's the problem?

Can I get it in a different color?

It's life insurance. It doesn't come in any color.

I want my $10 back

Why? 

It doesn't work right.

Doesn't work right? 

Doesn't work right.

In order to use it, you have to die. 

Oh.

Have you died within the last 60 days?

Er... no.

Then how could you say it doesn't work right?

I almost died.

Almost died?

I had an operation for a hangnail, which didn't go right, and almost died.

We don't cover almost died. 

But I had a Near Death Experience

Did it cost you anything to get there?

Well, no.

Then we don't cover it.

I wet myself.

Unless you actually died and your beneficiary makes a claim, you haven't used the insurance. 

I don't like it.

What about it don't you like?

Tuesday.

Do you have any serious complaints?

I found another company that charges $4.99 a month, instead of $5.

REFUND PROCESSED - you're worth whatever it costs to get rid of you 

• How much financial damage could you possibly do by shooting yourself?
• If you're an F-35, that would be $2.5 million in damages. Yes, the plane shot itself.
• the most expensive weapon ever made, at $135 million each. Expected to cost more than a trillion over its lifetime
• The Pentagon kept news away from Trump because they wanted to keep warring in Syria. And we've been in Afghanistan for how long? Are you starting to get the picture? It has nothing to do with 'defending our freedoms.'

Dear America:

We need $250k this week to buy some hacking tools to spy on you. 

That's on top of the regular budget, of course. Please. It's for the children.

Love,

the FBI

[the FBI's 2020 budget request was $9.31 billion, plus $144.9 million for 'program enhancements']

• After AstraZeneca's announcement that its new vaccine was 79% effective, the government smacked their little peepee and explained why this figure was incorrect. As a result, Astra downsized their result from 79% to 76%.
• And you said the Feds taking 30% of your income was too much.

Jay Leno is sorry for making at least 9 jokes about Asian-Americans in his career.

How does a comedian with that many years of work behind him make such a stupid statement?  OHHH.... Media Action Network for Asian Americans targeted him.

ThermionicEmissions' statement:

Comedy is comedy. We will make no apologies. Everybody is fair game. Comedy is no longer comedy when there are sacred cows of which we are not allowed to make fun. Comedy is about making fun of sacred cows.

We are in no way responsible for the actions of maladjusted, hate-filled miscreants and we condemn any and all violence. This is not the fault of the entertainers. The abusers need to take personable responsibility for their actions.

We will not be silent.

(he says, with upwards of 20 visitors and nobody saying anything to him about his content) 

George Carlin had that great bit - 7 words you can't say on tv

They are: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

We are saddened by George's passing but need to update the list for 2021:

fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, nigger, and asian

Also remember: stereotypes do not appear from a vacuum.

We don't make jokes about Asian drivers because we don't like Asians.

We don't make jokes about Asian students being so smart because we don't like Asians.

We don't make jokes about Jews being in high positions because we don't like Jews.

We don't make black crime jokes because we don't like blacks.

etc.

 

So things all over are higgledy-piggledy because there's a ship stuck in the Suez Canal. Seriously. It's affecting shipping worldwide, because the canal cuts 11 days off going around the continent. 

Turns out the captain was Asian, trying to make a u-turn in the middle of the canal.

[how's THAT for topicality and timing?]

Do Not Tempt Godzilla...

 Your love is like  angry wasps

How bout that turmeric?  It's good for this. It's good for that. It's good to calm you down. It's good to pick you up. It keeps you healthy. It warms your pancreas. It is like a windshield wiper on your Third Eye. Should you start to see a third eye, see a physician immediately. Side effects of turmeric are dizziness, indigestion, bright green poop, left breast coloration, and an addiction to shopping tv networks. None of this applies if you cook with it. Dosage size is a few grains to a few teaspoons full - nobody knows.

For those of you who haven't tried turmeric, you're already sadly behind. The new thing is cinnamon. You can go into any store and buy cinnamon pills. Don't tell anyone, but you can go into any store and buy cinnamon in the spice aisle, at half the price. The price for everything goes up when it's called medicine, the same way the price for computer hardware goes up when it's for gamers. Keyboard $29.95. Gamer keyboard $129.95.

I'm going to bide my time, quietly, until modern science finally recognizes the goodness that it chocolate. It tastes great, releases endorphins, and if you're not getting any of the other stuff, it's a substitute.

Today I identify as  one of those tiny little slippy feet on the bottom of the mouse

How do you get anything across to the idiots bothering Asians? I know ThermionicEmissions readers don't do anything like that. Things could get ugly if one of them gets bad black bread and starts assaulting Russians. To keep the bread thread going, if they get bad rye bread and start attacking Jews. The overarching stupidity of these moves... this is not the best of humanity.

And while we're on about things, a Chicago suburb is planning to go ahead with reparations to black people. 

The president of Ghana welcomed black people from America. I haven't seen figures on how many took him up, but I'm guessing low single digits, probably close to the number of people who promised to leave the country if Trump became president in 2016.

But the government = the people. The people did not enslave anyone. The people's tax dollars should not go to paying for this. We already have too much of our hard-earned money given away. This will be funded by voluntary contributions (Yay! the way it should be) and a 3% tax on recreational marijuana. Tax tax tax. Each household would receive $25,000 for home repairs or down payments on property. This is actually reparations for anyone who suffered housing discrimination in Evanston, IL.

This program is said to be a template for other cities. Let's put aside whether it's right or wrong for a minute. Police killing black people, black riots, white supremacists, reparations. Are we heading for even more division along racial lines?

The sad part of the Asian harassment and race division is that the good people don't need to be told. It's the bad elements that need to hear the message. They don't read ThermionicEmissions.

• anybody remember Mouse Balls?
• waaaay back when I did desktop support, many of the calls were because of dirty mice balls
• any fixes done by IT were Magic to the end user. I should tell stories of those days, but no one would believe me and my nerves just aren't that good.

Work insisted we use a certain browser. So we used it.

Then the Edge nightmare came along, and made itself the default. This is a pain in the patootie for people who did what they were told and used the other browser. Plus it's a Microsoft product.

Today I went into the settings. Does anybody have the number for the Self Harm Hotline?

What a steaming pile of excrement. As I mentioned on my initial Win 10 rant, you own nothing: the operating system owns you and markets to you. In order to adjust any settings, you have to go into your MS account, in the cloud. Even Internet Explorer allowed you to set everything right there. Now it's all cloudy. There are advertising preference dialog boxes. If you keep any financial information there (YOU SHOULDN'T), MS has it. Weeee.. it's in the cloud! 

Unless you only use a local account, Win 10 owns you. You'll install the updates you're told to, largely because Windows will do it whether you want to or not. And we suck it up with nary a complaint. Buy a Mac. Use linux. You can transition at your own speed - nobody's pushing you.

Repeat after me: 

Windows: it's not an operating system - its a virus.

• She fit like a puzzle piece. She did not so much stand next to me as a part of me

Former Director of National Defense says the US has 'secret evidence of UFOs...'

Of course they do.. they've been collecting it since before Roswell in 1947. Nothing about this is new. 

I've said it before... this is a PSYOP. It's controlled.

There are any number of reasons for this. One is that the government is scared about retribution for hiding things, so they're letting information out in small bursts.  Imagine your government deciding what you can and can't know.

Another is releasing only a small amount, to make people think That's All Folks.

I believe that to release the information honestly, we need to know the truth. And whatever it is, it's a big truth. You don't have to believe anything, but look at the evidence and look at the time, effort, and dollars put into denying there's anything going on. There have been cases on the ground in other countries and the US has intervened, shutting it down. That's kinda big, isn't it?

I have no way of knowing what's going on, only that something's going on.

A third of Brits believe aliens live among us & government is withholding information.

I didn't say that.

 

• Could an accident have caused COVID-19? Why the Wuhan lab-leak theory shouldn't be dismissed
• I also didn't say this, but it makes sense. I've been on Ft. Detrick for years. The mistakes coming out of that place have been horrible. All sorts of things 'turn up missing,' like anthrax (not the band). 

It is illegal to be LGBTQ in Singapore

That must come as a great surprise to the LGBTQ people in Singapore

• Bernie Sanders (D-not dead yet) lectured Musk: focus on Earth instead of space
• The hot air emanating from Bernie caused climate change in Vermont

Let me know if you're with me here... 

Like most other things, I believe the government shouldn't be involved in prostitution. After all, it's the person's body to do with what they want. With that in mind, let's get doctors to come to the realization that people are lacking in sex, sometimes as part of depression. They'll write prescriptions, we take them to a hooker, and insurance will pick it up (minus the copay, of course). Since it's medical, your spouse can't complain, nor can it be grounds for divorce.

• Randomly heard: I'm going to finish my Easter egg tree

Portland is still occupied.

Apparently this is ok.

Trump got voted out, Biden got voted in.

Still Occupied.

Are you starting to see BLM/Antifa's true colors?

• Trump said "Newspapers, television, all forms of media will tank if I'm not there." 
• As it turns out, he was right. WaPo, cable and broadcast news. CNN was hit hardest, losing 45% over the past 5 weeks. 
• Next week, late night show hosts will be in the unemployment line.

The Verge is running a story called What's on Your Desk.

The included picture is... not good. A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind. A single monitor is also questionable, but for different reasons.

I worked for a guy who used to mention my desk frequently. Eventually I figured out that he wanted it to look clean. It didn't matter whether I did any work or not, it had to look clean. Jeepers, Mr. Wilson. So it took me twice as long to get things done, but at least it looked good. I had a poster that said "A poor decision on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." Underneath was a sticky note with "yes it does" written on it. In his wife's handwriting. 

My theory is that IT people are mostly ADHD/ADD. There should be candy machines full of Adderall somewhere in the department. How can people like this keep clean desks? They can't. And they don't want to. And they will fight to keep it that way. Until they hear a noise outside the window and have to go look.

What's on my desk?

Well, it's a special case. I'm a special case. I used to use the office for radios and electronics and computers. So when I broke back into it, there was about a foot of dust. I blew it off with a can of air. There's plenty of room for computers, but there's still remnants of the room's former life. Many monitors, tiny electronic parts, more screws than Home Depot, 30 pens that don't work, 20 pens that don't work on sticky pads, Velcro cable ties (ridiculous because I can't be bothered with cable management, so I use them for other, more interesting activities), yesterday's coffee cup, 47 mice (in various states of disrepair because they tend to get BANGED really hard on the desk during the Microsoft virus), adapters for computer jacks that haven't been produced in at least 10 years, pieces to build AM radios, one of those Swiss army knives (a really sweet one, with only a little blood on it), parts to fix my space ship, only one adult toy, a collection of USB to micro-USB cords (which I saved up, then the new phones went to USB-C), guitar magazines from 1971, ancient candy wrappers, ancient candy, a square monitor (that will not work on anything), a printer stand repurposed into an electronics bench (which I swear I try and I try to keep ordered, but fail every single time, with 5 current projects on it), one of those magnifying glasses on an arm with a fluorescent light around it (and LISA on the side - I don't know any LISAs), 5 guitar amps I'm redesigning (none of which have been redesigned), the back panel to other amps that were successfully modified (but I never got around to putting it back on), reems of paper with 3 holes punched (I don't know why), several keyboards (ergonomic and other), huge 200G hard drives, bad hard drives (for some reason.. maybe I think they'll cure themselves with time), a metric buttload of (police radio) scanners, shortwave radios weighing more than my car, a 286 motherboard for my tech museum, and an unbelievable amount of stuff that I'm going to hook up some day.

• One positive thing about the Flying AIDS - it cut down the mass shootings.
• 10 killed in a Colorado supermarket.
• Someone got some of it on video.
• Well, at least everyone had masks on.

Once again, it's virus scanning time at work. This means my entire computer is tied up scanning, and any work I want to do is a distant second. It's been 5 hours so far.... I don't think I have any virii. Don't get me wrong - I support all kinds of security, but I also support getting my work done. We have to negotiate a better time for this... like... overnight.... when the viruses sleep and they're easier to catch.

• In spite of a 16.5% drop in miles-driven, the number of pedestrians killed in motor vehicle crashes rose in the first half of 2020.
• People need to keep their aim accurate, and we, as a country, rose to the challenge. 

Clint Eastwood and William Shatner are 90.

90 is the new 60? Let's all be that active and productive.

• Ever really thought about the words to Amazing Grace?
• I keep thinking of Monty Python's Holy Grail, when 'God' tells the knights to STOP GROVELING.

Today's advice: social media is toxic. Take a social media vacation. Maybe a weekend. Maybe a week. Life is not as social media pictures it. Social media can have very negative effects on your mood, causing fear and depression in some. While you're at it, it's not worth arguing and abuse. Just go for the good stuff.

Some of us do well on our looks. Most of us do not.

As a blogger and an online person, I am in the latter category.  Pretty far in the latter category. It is safe to say I never got by on my looks. I am incredibly lucky for Mrs. lefty's poor taste in men, otherwise I'd have to go by Charlie Sheen's character in 2.5 Men: Ask if she has daddy issues. It's not that I'm ugly...

• I'm waaaay south of GQ
• lost my spot in the male model line when I tried to get in it
• the guy you recommend for a blind date when you're trying to get even
• can cause cracking in concrete
• scares the letters right off keyboards
• was in the running for cover of Modern Pond Scum but lost to Gilbert Gottfried
• when asked for a word that best describes me and my philosophy on life, it's 'scrufty'

Can you believe I continue to do this?

Giving Your Parents Crap About Your Third Nostril

 Your love is like  a Neil Diamond concert (post-mortem)

Under pressure, the CDC dropped the school spacing to 3' in many classrooms.

Because they wanted to go with an odd number. This might be one of the reasons for my skepticism about 'official' recommendations. The CDC changes its mind more than a Kardashian trying to decide what to wear out one night. Watch for updates from the WHO and America's doctor, Anthony Fauci. Fauci is a good doctor to see, because his waiting room is always empty.

Lazy 

Once, when getting glasses, the doc told me I have lazy eye or lazy lid or lazy something, and insurance would pay to fix it. This was a great new diagnosis, to sit with all the other great diagnoses and not get fixed. I can see out of my eyes, which is their primary function, so there's nothing wrong with them.

The only thing I can see (heh heh) is that it makes me look half asleep. It's not really a problem, though, because people tend to discount half-asleep people. They'll leave me alone or not bother much with me. Come to think of it, it's less a condition than a blessing. Meanwhile, I always figured I had lazy body syndrome, not lazy lids.

• I think the dog was a human female in a past life... when I open packages, she's right there in them, sniffing away, 'inspecting' each item.
• On the other hand, I could do with less bringing me her soggy toys while I'm working. I don't think this has anything to do with past lives and I'm not sure I want to know...

Today I identify as  Carlos Santana (won't he be surprised!)

Speaking of which, Carlos is also a designer of women's shoes and stuff. I'm not a woman, but they look pretty cool (seconded by Mrs. lefty).

Making Bezos more rich 

Personally, I try to shop locally or even look on Ebay before I go to Amazon. Bezos can probably get by without my custom. On the other hand, if you get the Prime option, it pays for itself in a few orders because you don't get charged for shipping most of the time. Amazon is also known for treating its workers really poorly.

Entirely your call.

Amazon also spent $1 billion for the NFL rights to Thursday night football. While this is a sad financial state of affairs for the NFL, it is almost a significant amount to Jeff Bezos. If it were $3 more, he would have to limit the Dom Perignon at his 5th house to 15 cases.

• During the making of one of their albums, Fleetwood Mac actually had a trough of coke on the mixing console. Stevie Nicks effectively had one nostril because the cartilage between the nostrils had been destroyed, presumably by coke.
• This did not bother most American men, who sighed whenever they saw her angelic face and appearance. Even if she sang like Yoko it would not deter us.
• To this day, Stevie Nicks is a style of dressing.

A former senator who has flown in space was nominated for head of NASA by President Biden. The press and close allies are questioning the decision, as Bill Nelson is a Caucasian, with no obvious minority status. When asked, Biden justified the nomination as Nelson is a white male, a minority on his staff. Biden aides clarified the statement, saying that at 78, Nelson would be the only one older than Biden himself (by about 10 minutes).

Wouldn't you just die if, during the Congressional grilling, one of them asked about aliens?

• PA school district cancels school after teachers call out with vaccine side effects. Make what you want of this 
• A PA District Attorney's office needs to raise the pay for First Assistant District Attorneys. One of them was just demoted for delivering DoorDash during working hours (his 2nd job).

Like attracts? 

I snore. I'm not proud. Of anything.

Mrs lefty occasionally snores. So loudly, it sounds like machinery from downstairs*.

As I type, the dog is snoring.  It's more like a high-pitched whining. Maybe we can market this for defense purposes. Get a $1 billion weapons grant. Join Grumman. Perk up the old retirement fund. I can buy guitars during the day and help defend the country at night. Mom will be so proud.

*I have a theory about how, mechanically and acoustically, the snoring becomes so loud. It's loud in the room. She has to wear a sticker, warning everyone about the potential decibel level. The snoring starts out by going into the room. The bed rattles. The motion transmits itself, through the legs of the bed, down to the floor. The floor is actually the ceiling for the living room, with some air and wires in between. After what they (they who?) call acoustic coupling, the ceiling becomes one humongous speaker.  While my car has a 6" speaker, my ceiling has turned into a 40' speaker. But wait..... the in-room snoring hits the walls then bounces to the floor. It bounces in phase, which means it reinforces what the bed transfers to it, like its own 400 watt amplifier. So the moment anything comes out of her mouth, it is loudly amplified and immediately apparent to anyone in the living room.

"oh SHIT," he said to no one in particular... this means the neighbors hear everything, every time we....  make noise together. That would explain the people outside, holding up cards with numbers on them. At least the numbers are pretty close to 10. You know, within 4 or 5.

• Irony Department: China is prohibiting its military and government personnel from using Tesla cars, citing security risk posed by the car's data collection

The other day I went through the horror of finding myself near a tv with TMZ on. Today it happened with Judge Judy, but it was so loud, it was bleeding into my office. And nobody was watching it. I'm surprised the SPCA didn't charge us for having it on tv while the dog was in the house.

I think Judy is the rudest, nastiest person on tv and can't believe anybody watches the show (but they do - she has great ratings). I'd love to watch her have to sit there while someone was as unspeakably nasty to her as she is to the people on the show. Other than that, we tend to agree on tv. 

• Miami declared an emergency and curfew because of spring break crowd behavior. SWAT teams were called in. Who knew there was so much power in drunken teens? 
• and, horrors, there were maskless crowds
• seriously... SWAT?

A man was arrested for taking his toddler into the elephant enclosure at the San Diego Zoo. It almost seems like people need classes before doing certain things... like having a baby. If the dude wanted an abortion, it was way too late. If he wanted to commit Suicide By Elephant, drop the kid off with a babysitter. People who work at zoos must be out of their minds that they now have to protect the animals from the people. 

• The pope urges fight against organized crime as mafia milks pandemic
• Catholic church molesting little boys is international organized crime 

The Atlanta gunman was a patient at an evangelical treatment facility about 30 miles from the shootings, for "sex addiction." This place also promotes ex-gay therapy. Well, that's 0 for 2. When will we hear the calls against this 'therapy'? Oh.

As I look on interestedly, I read that Jane Seymour is 70.

Is this morally wrong or something? 

Not if she's willing and Mrs. lefty gives me a break on her No Dating policy.

Grunties in Your Garage

 Your love is like  watching 700 Club reruns

Back to the Caveman 

Working from home requires all sorts of adjustments, like asking your spouse to do it with you in your chair, so you can say you had sex at work. The closest you get to not getting your soda out of a finicky machine is not having it in the fridge. I no longer get marching bands going past my desk, which is worth whatever it costs. Yes, the last 2 employers had that.

Because we're all forced to use digital meetings, we discover things. The first thing we discover is which one of our coworkers is too stupid to use the MUTE button. I learned by error and error to always keep MUTE engaged because I like having a job. It's infinitely easier to MUTE than keeping my mouth shut. It's easier to get Palestinians to regularly marry Israelis than to keep my mouth shut.

One guy never muted his mic and apparently kept his mic halfway up his nose, so we were treating to his heavy breathing regularly. I emailed and let him know everybody could hear him making the meeting into an obscene phone call, but apparently this wasn't a serious issue for him. I'm not sure, but I think I heard some of the women on the call start to breathe faster when he breathed heavily. These meetings were audio-only, so we didn't get to see pajamas, especially the ones from the people who slept naked. 

After a while everyone became comfortable and started letting it all hang out. This came in the form of Mouth Noises. All sorts of grunting, breathing, and throat-clearing. If isolated, it would sound like two cavemen having a conversation. This was especially fun if more than one person wasn't MUTEd. 

Employee #1: [throat clear] I was looking at [throat clear], excuse me, I just got up and my voice isn't working yet [throat clear].

[All of this happens while Employee #1 is speaking]

Employee #2: [clearly threatened by Employee #1's noises and asserting dominance, while Employee #1 is speaking] [ahem].

Employee #3: [now triggered by the noises]   [teeth suck] [teeth click]

Employee #1: [continuing] I think [throat clear] we need to take a look [throat clear] [ahem] at....

Employee #2: [double ahem]

Employee #3: [grunt] [ahem] [throat clear]

Employee #2: [double throat clear]

Employee #1: and that's why I think [throat clear] [double ahem] we need to look into this.

Boss: I think you have a good idea there. I'll make myself a note to look into it.

Employee #2: [grunt] [double teeth suck] 

Employee #3: [teeth click] [teeth suck] [teeth click] [ahem] [double throat clear] [ahem] [teeth click] [teeth suck] [ahem]

Employee #2: I think it's a good idea.

Employee #1: [ahem] [triple throat clear]

Boss: uh-huh [throat clear]

Employee #2: Unh. [ahem] [quadruple throat clear but slowly]

Employee #1: Ahem. [throat clear] [trying out teeth noises and failing]

Employee #3: [teeth click] [teeth suck] [teeth click] [ahem] [double throat clear] [ahem] [teeth click] [double grunt] [ahem]

Boss: I can see it's time to end the meeting. We've all said what needed to be said. [ahem].

It's a good thing everybody else is muted. Half of the people are annoyed at the noise and the other half are wetting their panties with laughter. We were all taught in 2nd grade not to interrupt the speaker, especially with noises, on purpose. Now that we're all (hopefully) long out of 2nd grade, it hasn't become any less funny. If someone gets in a fart noise, we're going to lose it.

Every meeting is recorded, so anybody who missed it can listen back. The staff psychologist and paleontologic language expert have set up a class on Early Speaking.

Employee #1: [throat clear] I was looking at [throat clear], excuse me, I just got up and my voice isn't working yet [throat clear].

Employee #2: [clearly threatened by Employee #1's noises and asserting dominance, while Employee #1 is speaking] [ahem].

Employee #3: [now triggered by the noises]   [teeth suck] [teeth click]

Employee #1: [continuing] I think [throat clear] we need to take a look [throat clear] [ahem] at....

In the above example, Employee #1's voice is indeed not awake, but it's compounded by nervousness, causing more noises.

The noises made by others at the same time are subconscious responses to the speaker.  Notice how Employee #2 feels threatened. The rest of it is the race for dominance, even when the boss speaks. His title of Boss should be enough to assert dominance all the time, but the lower pitched noises from the others are subconscious challenges, even though they'd never overtly challenge the boss' authority.

Oddly, women do not generally make these noises, unless there's an excess of testosterone in their bloodstream, and they're wearing flannel shirts.

By the end of the meeting, no one has learned anything, but some of the participants need a while to cool down, even if the don't understand why.

And so on.....

Today I identify as  that little white particle at the end of hairs that fall out

So that massage parlor shooting... we have more information...

The shooter has a 'sex addiction' and was lashing out at a source of temptation.

This is like making women wear clothes that cover every inch of them so you don't get excited. Once again, personal responsibility. Oh, wait, they're shoring up his court defense, in which the defendant is never responsible for anything.

You realize that if this umm... person gets off, there will be a rash of shootings nationwide. Unfortunately I'm going to be first... I will shoot up a bunch of guitar stores because they were tempting me. Women all over the world will be shooting up shoe stores, which will require armor and 24 hour guards. No Macy's will be safe. The employees of clothing stores will need protection when they go home at night. No one will be safe. Except Burger King.

The shooter also had a passion for guns (inflame the gun grabber crowd) and God. I wonder if the same crew will demand God control.

Customers were calling the spas, checking on the employees. One brought flowers. The Asians are terrified and organizing. Some are considering guns. Some are considering armed guards. The routine at massage parlors is changing for the time being...

• must bring references from friends and relatives before 1st appointment
• metal detectors at the front door - because it's easier to check there than when you have no clothes on
• no surcharge for being tied up during massage - it might become a requirement
• bulletproof vests were briefly considered, but abandoned for fear of nosediving profits... who wants a naked masseuse with a kevlar vest touching you?
• Armed guards must stay outside the rooms, because they sort of affect things negatively when inside

This is a Cinderella story: legal aliens, coming to America to work hard and become citizens. Biden should really pick up on this. In fact, after he does, he will appoint one to his cabinet.

 

• The Grammys are the latest awards to see a drastic drop in tv ratings
• the people causing the problem are so busy looking in the mirror that they don't notice there is a problem.
• Now, if only the Masked Furry....

Congresspersons are now stocking up on panic buttons and bulletproof vests. I'm chuckling... I would never recommend violence, but these plagues on society are waking up to the fact that their actions (to benefit themselves and their large contributors) have consequences. Rather than bulletproof vests, maybe they need to start listening to their constituents....

The way the 'insurrection' was covered in the world press wasn't exactly accurate. They made it out to be a band of people who were going to war, like 1776 (instead of some yahoos with guns).

President Biden has pledged to name the first black woman to the Supreme Court. This is one issue that has plagued his administration from the start. "Welcome to minority inclusion" is not the basis for running things. Our policy here is the right person for the job, regardless of any other qualification, except death. The president is more of a show than an actor in office. 

Tesla is becoming a favorite target, pardon the reference, of this blog. A Tesla on autopilot crashed into a Lansing, Michigan state police car the other day. In a vacuum, the Tesla seems like a really good idea. In reality, however, it has tried to kill its driver, burst into flames, and crashed into other things. Even a person who never studied it, like me, can see it's a danger to the owner, the fire department, the police, pedestrians, other drivers, and anybody who plays Words with Friends.

Can you imagine being the driver?

"Officer, I swear I wasn't aiming for you."

Strangely enough, he got a ticket.

• There are over 3,000 men on death row. There are 60 women.
• Obviously the system needs to be revamped - it's sexist.

Pollution is being blamed for the rising number of boys born with testicles in the wrong place.

Can you imagine the social nightmares these children must endure, having testicles on their face, neck, eyeballs, and glove compartment of their parents' cars?

Ok, the article just mentions undescended testicles. 

But just imagine.....

It's getting bad when...

• instead of chocolate covered chocolate bits cereal, you have fruit for breakfast

awwwww.....

• my grandmother used to cut up honeydew for me when I was little. Every time I eat honeydew, I remember her. 

You knew it was coming.... Marvel reveals its first gay Captain America.

His costume is fabulous! 

He prances from building to building, making the city a safer place for designers and trans sports teams.

• Aqua Man is now a lesbian who is afraid of water
• Superman spends all his time questioning his sexuality
• Wonder Woman still has her penis
• and Robin continues to slide down the Bat Pole

This is a very silly planet.

Work has graduated from Black History Month to Women's History Month.

This means another spate of useless emails.

Still no left handed history month.

We here at ThermionicEmissions don't bother with the constant celebration. We adore females. We're just fine with black people. Most importantly, when we're at work, we work. There's no place or time for this stuff - celebrate on your own time. I'd be a fun boss - the most you'd get from me would be "because it's ... uhh... Thursday, we should take an extra half hour for lunch."

I worked at a place where my department was salaried. As we left for lunch, we watched people looking at their watches. We were spoken to from Above, to cut down our lunch times because people were whining. It was incredibly frustrating, but I don't think it was the length of our lunch - I think it was because we came back happy, and no one in the company could stand to see that. It's not like we stood over other departments and watched them not work all day, or counted their Faceyspaces time...

One day Faceyspaces was 'accidentally' blocked, and you'd have thought somebody blocked off the air to the building.

I'm trying to imagine Flying AIDS precautions when I was in school.

With class size between 30 and 40, considering social distancing, we'd need to hold class in airplane hangars. With p.a. systems to hear the teacher. Since the recommendation was 20 to a class, we'd need twice the number of airplane hangars and teachers, thus shooting costs through the roof - we didn't get 30-40 child classes for no reason. On the plus side, it would be much easier to get away with things, because the teacher couldn't find you. On the minus side, the pranks will only register to the 4 people around you because you don't get a p.a. system too. You'd need a permit for class clown, and you'd have to stand up at the front of the hangar to perform your mischief, where the p.a. system is. School is hard.

As you'd expect, I was class clown. I didn't require a permit and could operate right from my chair. They tolerated me well because I would always raise my hand to answer stuff. This ran through 12th grade. As it turns out, it ran through my jobs too, where it continues to this day. If my boss ever wonders where it came from, I now have an answer. Class clown --> work clown. Only I have a sore tongue now, from biting down on it, so I don't say the first thing that comes to mind. It took a long time to figure out that it's possible to not say the first thing at work. Like on Ebay, where it took years to realize you can SELL too. It never occurred to me, but that's a different issue that I will not address at the moment.

Not being afraid to speak up is also fun sometimes. If someone calls a meeting and is late, sometimes I'll just go off MUTE and say the meeting is canceled. I also like to give people days off. If they listen to me, that's their problem, not mine. What are they going to do - tell Human Resources it was ok because lefty said so?

An armed man is under arrest for being outside of VP Harris' house. He said he was looking for help. His definition of help must vary from ours. Sure, getting rid of everyone in government is a great idea, but not with guns. CNN is already hard at work, trying to blame Trump for this. Using Photoshop, they put a MAGA hat on him. When asked why Harris, he said "who the hell would go to Delaware for the Bidens?"

Britney Spears is considering a tell-all interview with Oprah.

Ever since the nuclear press over the Meghan and her husband interview, people are lining up to speak to Oprah. Britney feels she can benefit from that kind of press, but moreso the truth the interview will allegedly bring out. Pretty soon, Oprah will become the National Enquirer of interviews, with celebrities lining up to tell all, like..

• Monica Lewinsky - the pre-Bill years and what's gotten into her since
• NASA - it's not our fault - we were ordered to hide interesting pictures
• Michael Jackson's ghost - well.. you know...
• Melania Trump - from beauty queen to FLOTUS - is 1 set of implants all you need? Was it a promotion or demotion?

The Ionosphere is Full of Trees Today

 Your love is like  an epidemic of STDs

After the Meghan and Harry interview, everybody is coming out of the closet to say how much they understand Meghan's plight. I want to say that I understand Meghan's plight, being Martian-American. I don't understand Harry at all, but that's not such a big problem: he does what he's told.

She said something about running for office. This could be a brilliant effort on the part of Politics. People will be so busy looking at her, she can say any old thing she wants. They'll never hear it. Let's face it: you listen to everything Nancy Pelosi says.

Today I identify as  a particularly efficient 900MHz yagi antenna that I constructed, right before I found out my area just went to 700MHz

• Tinder will soon allow you to do background checks
• although why would you want to do a background check on a stranger you're about to have sex with? 

David Brewis: Tracking Down Jimi Hendrix's Wayward Gear

How I discovered Jimi Hendrix's psychedelic Flying V

some fascinating articles on finding and verifying some of Jimi's gear.

[sigh] some day....

I haven't gone to onlyfans.com but am reading an interesting article. Apparently their terms of service fluctuate often, with the latest casualty being outdoor sex. An outdoor sex performer got a Taken Down notice out of the blue. They suspect it's the payment processors, who don't like the boom boom business. This is going to wind up hurting onlyfans and the performers, as well as affecting the entire industry.

My stance remains the same: private businesses should be allowed to do what they want, without (government) interference. While payment processor interference is perfectly legal, their prudish attitudes are hurting the entire industry. Interestingly enough, you can perform a lot more sex-related activities than 'hateful speech', which will get you banned, period (see: Gab). It must be difficult to operate any business when the Terms of Service keep changing.

Betcha didn't know you were sleeping on the couch tonight..

HIM: you've been really naughty

HER: what do I get for it?

HIM: naughty girls get a spanking

HER: ooooh.. I hope it doesn't hurt

HIM: It shouldn't, with all that padding...

• The Google Nest hub now knows how well you slept.
• And you keep paying Google for the privilege.... 

Russia and China say anyone will be able to use their south pole Moon base for 'peaceful' science and exploration

• Except for America and those warhawks in Canada.
• They promise to cooperate and share all tools. Except the hacking tools - bring your own.
• The Moon's south pole has 180 consecutive days of sunlight. Philadelphia and London are thinking of relocating- they have less than 80.
• Rules: don't f- with the aliens on the dark side, no requests for Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon - we've heard this 1,000 times already and the station isn't even built yet
• Saturday nights we play "count the 'communication' satellites in orbit around Earth. Pretend to get targeting vectors."

Apple has done something decent with iOS: required privacy transparency. All software must tell you about data it collects. The Google example will make your head explode

I was feeling a bit under the weather, because who feels over the weather, and decided to sit and rest a bit (that's 'set a spell' for our southern readers). I never fail to mention how smart, courageous, and sweet Mrs. lefty is. Sometimes I forget to mention that no one had better mess with her, if they enjoy living. Their body will never be found. Then there's one level down: don't piss her off. I'm not sure what I did to piss her off, but as I sat down, I noticed TMZ on. "TMZ - gays making fun of straights since 2008."  

Well, she put it on and she was there first. I tried for a UN Humanity Exemption, but no dice. It's against the Geneva Convention. It's absolutely the worst example of what humanity has become. How can a show have less than zero content? You found it.

Being the definition of ADHD, she got up to smoke or do something. No matter how many times I've begged and pleaded, she will not turn off the tv or mute it when she leaves the room. I'm married - I've done some serious begging and pleading. The compromise we reached is that when she leaves the room, I mute the tv. Oddy, me having to do what I asked her to do does not show up as 'compromise' in any dictionaries, online or offline.

Thus far, I'm feeling unwell and sit down for a rest. She's watching the worst show ever put on tv, then gets up and leaves. She has hidden/lost the remote. Is this passive aggressive or just downright evil? I cant imagine what on earth I've done to displease her. I buy her flowers and cook regularly. I mow all winter. I totally respect her No-Dating Policy, and mention it to any female who is in any way slightly attractive (just in case).

Yet there I sat, not feeling too good, with TMZ on tv, muted. This is the 2nd best way to watch it, the 1st being with the tv off. "Why didn't you just turn the effing tv off, you whiny bastard," you ask. Because the replacement remote control does not turn the tv on or off and I cannot bear the 15' trip across the room to turn it off. So I (don't) watch a lot of tv with it muted.

Unfortunately, my head turns in the direction of motion or blinky lights, so it keeps turning to the muted tv, when I remind myself I'm not watching that garbage. Eyes on sofa, then POOF - back on the tv. This is especially annoying during sports, which I don't like at all. It's also the reason I never eat in sports-themed places, unless the tv's are broken.

I think I got a passive-aggressive break when She Who Must Be Obeyed went off to take a nap. Mind you, without muting or turning off the tv. Maybe some day I'll find out what I stand accused of, even if it has to be used against me in a court of law.

Because she watches a lot of tv, so do I. I'm a heavy passive tv watcher. Think about this for a second... passive tv watcher. The main thing I've noticed is that the Flying AIDS has absolutely ruined what was left of tv. 

• There are newscasts where each member of the news team is broadcasting from their den (or the only place where there aren't rude items on the walls and shelves). Hey Bob- you might want to move your dildo collection down a shelf, or even to another room. We're getting a lot of emails about it. No, wait, never mind - they want to know where you got them.
• Game shows. It's great to say you've changed things up so you can still go on the air, but...  the 'audience' consists of 6 people, where there were 125, because they're all socially distanced. You can't jump up and down and molest the host, even if you have a mask. Some of the contestants are playing from home, usually over bad connections, in small, dirty little rooms, with their little ankle-biters running in and out, plus the cat barking.
• Judge shows. Flying AIDS or not, why are there so many judge shows? There may be a small audience, in their little welder's masks, but the plaintiff and defendant are, you guessed it, virtual. The effect is incredibly cheesy. Moreso. Audience or not, some of these judges should be put back in their cages and never let on tv again. They're obviously not socialized well enough to be near people.
• Any show that keeps cutting back to a person to explain things has to go regardless of pandemic. No one needs to know how you feel. No one needs to know how smart you are or what you did. Just shut up and let us figure it out by ourselves, unless it's a particularly good practical joke that requires a setup.
• Sports are kinda like game shows, in many ways, but they set a horrible example for the youth. No social distancing or masks on the field at all. What are children supposed to think? The audience consists of about 6 people in the entire stadium, with banners covering the rest of the seats, so the poor advertisers have somewhere else to see their names. They pipe in cheers and applause. In Philly, they pipe in boos, screaming about the cost of a beer, and have special machines to throw things at the players. They have pictures of bags full of money so the players will keep moving.

But if you make me miss my one show (9-1-1), I'll shiv you in the back.

• How a metal with a memory will shape our future on Mars
• one of the items recovered from Roswell and others is a metal that you can bend and it will return to shape.
• is this the same metal? I dunno. Interesting, though.

Speaking of Asian Americans, we're seeing a wave of attacks against them, in retaliation for the Flying AIDS. WTF is wrong with these people? Are these the TMZ audiences? We get a nasty virus from China, so these people verbally or physically assault Asians. Koreans! Even with my public school education, I know that Korea ain't in China. These Bubbas need to finish 3rd grade.

The best line was, after a horrible string of massage parlor shootings, the Atlanta chief of police said, "It appears they may be Asian." Obviously because the all black massage parlors were closed that day. As were the Caucasian cleaners. The Indian dentists had better watch out too, in case the assailants mistake them for Asian. The real brain-buster would be if they got mad at England... who would they shoot? Maybe themselves....

There is a reason other countries laugh at us. This is the one I agree with.

• IBM's CEO and outgoing exec chairman take home $38m for 2020 despite revenue shrinking by billions
• why is this any of our business? they obviously signed for it. the only function of this headline is to inflame.

Age Crisis 

We all know the stereotype of a man with a middle age crisis... motorcycles, skydiving, affairs with younger women, fast cars, Yahtzee. If you stand back and look at it, you realize it's not just middle age. We (and society)  have somehow imposed crises upon ourselves. It's not like anyone said, "lefty hit middle age - he really should be screwing around with much younger women," because if they did, Mrs. lefty would see to it nobody found their bones.

We could absolutely continue living our lives without crises. Until we figure it out, here are the expected crises for certain ages:

• 30s: time to grow up, leave your wild drinking days of youth behind. Celebrate with wild drinking.
• 40s: middle age. Wild drinking, set up a much younger mistress in an apartment, date a few others, sleep late, wear your wife out (with repeated requests for boom boom), finding out you can't drive formula 1 cars, finding out you can't drive a Volkswagen, finding out you can't drive the mistress
• 50s: propositioning every neighbor up and down the block, propositioning barmaids as you find out you really shouldn't (and can't) wild drink, discovering the meaning of little blue pill, discovering what happens when you forget the little blue pill, discovering what happens when you take the little blue pill and have nothing to do and nowhere to go and no available targets, 
• 60s: huh? Weren't you supposed to retire soon - that's a real worry. Unfortunately you have to work til the next crisis before you can retire. Wild drinking now consists of 2 beers or 1 cooler. Women you'd like to chase, if you could get out of Your Chair, would laugh hysterically at you. Younger women cross the street when they see you coming because you're a Dirty Old Man. You discover your dirty reputation may have something to do with your junk hanging out of your shorts. You want boom boom but your wife says she doesn't do that anymore. Meanwhile, your parents are in the old folks community, getting STDs, because they're boinking anything in sight. Why can't you remember that word... you know... car keys? Sometimes you take the little blue pill to watch what happens - maybe give yourself something to do for the rest of the day. You call your grandchildren, only to discover you don't have any grandchildren. Meh - your dog listens to you. Sometimes.
• 70s: 70 is the new 50, say people who are 70. It's getting easier and easier to forget things. sometimes requiring no effort at all. You develop your own distinct shuffle. Your hobby is going to doctors' offices. A grand day is getting a procedure done. You wear your magnifiers on top of your regular glasses and you can't find either because you're wearing them. The news is on at 4 - dinner time. You finally got the discount at restaurants. You remember really enjoying boom boom. You start doing weird things in public, like picking up food and slamming it down on the table in restaurants. You call your wife Mother. Your liver enzymes prevent wild drinking, so you reduce it to weekends. Online pr0n is a memory and you don't have many of them these days. Trying to decide between Don't Tell Mommy We're Doing Her Boyfriend and Black Ass Suffocation is insurmountable, so you take a nap. If you could compete, you'd be a World Napping Champion.

.

Neon Insanities

 Your love is like  feral wombats

The House is currently brawling over vaccines. Naturally they have their own supply, but the bickering is fun. Some haven't reported getting the shot, some won't get the shot, some like to watch things burn, and the rest of them are banging gavels and asking when they can get back to screwing America in person

• No, the toothbrush is not heavier after it's charged

Today I identify as  some sort of delicacy involving testicles

The Netherlands (anywhere under my first girlfriend's clothes) and Ireland have suspended use of the Astra/Zeneca vaccine over blog clots (and blood clots). At this point there is no direct connection between the vaccine and the blood clots, other than people began clotting and had cerebral hemorrhages after they got jabbed.

The Big Answer came from the Vatican over gay marriage: in a two page explanation published in seven languages and approved by the pope was "No". The answer prompted shock among Catholics and non-Catholics the world over. The explanation was that they could not bless sin.

Still nothing on child molestation.

• An anti-mask airline passenger was charged after urinating in the cabin
• the passenger demanded his money back from the Donald Trump School of Charm

In San Antonio, TX, a ramen noodle shop was vandalized days after its owner spoke out against ending the state's mask mandate.

There is a ramen noodle shop? 

• a Florida woman pretending to be a plastic surgeon was arrested after a bad nose surgery
• there was a person in the chair when the police made the arrest, but the janitor came in and finished the surgery.

Today the president  planned the first major federal tax hike since 1993.

Allegedly over 50% of you voted for the old guy, and now I have to pay. Thank you very much.

Strip the pork out of the government, THEN we'll talk tax increase. There is not a responsible bone in any body in DC. Tax and spend and tax. And you keep voting for them. The libertarians would be slashing government, not raising taxes.

• The Oscar nominations are out.

Survey says!

The average single is masturbating three times a day amid the Flying AIDS lockdown. 3 in 10 are masturbating more than once a day. Only 14% are doing it once a day. 34% had their best orgasm ever. I'll buy all these statistics, but the one about 26% saying they're watching more pr0n is just silly. On average, singles haven't had sex with someone else for over 4 months. Married people are saying, "Only four months?".

America's Governor, Andrew Cuomo, reports he is not getting it at all, in spite of allegations from most of female New York. His ex wife slept in a locked bathroom during their divorce. The dogs ran when he got home. The housekeepers wore chastity belts. His garbage got picked up at 1am if there were female sanitation engineers working that night. Biden and Pelosi have stopped short of calling for his resignation (because his name isn't Trump). 

Kentucky continues its reaction to being last on the best states to live list.

The state senate approved a bill that would make insulting a police office a crime. Some senate members were deeply offended, claiming it was unconstitutional. Let's see... is it legal to talk to the police? Of course it is. Is it legal to say less pleasant things? Well, yes, but proving your point will probably earn you a night in jail or a ticket for something or other. The bill's sponsor is a former policeman. His next bill will make jaywalking a death penalty crime.

I always wanted to make not using turn signals a death penalty crime. No free speech issues there.

• The NCAA has called foul on a Virginia Urology ad campaign. Apparently "Vasectomy Mayhem" is too close to "March Madness" and people are too stupid to understand the difference. 
  
• It looks like Vasectomy Mayhem could do us some good

Breonna Taylor anniversary protest marches happened.

During the peaceful events, 2 protesters tried to destroy a police car and got run over because the car decided it was mad as hell and wasn't going to take it anymore. Several businesses in Hollywood were 'protested'. Yet another peaceful protester smashed up an outdoor seating area of a restaurant. Armed protesters blocked traffic in Louisville, and arson is suspected after a fire in a vacant church.

Peaceful protests have broken out in Tigray, where hospitals have been vandalized and looted, almost collapsing the healthcare system.

• DMT, a powerful psychedelic, is being tested as a potential cure for depression in England
• By coincidence, untold numbers of people are coming out as depressed

The National Transportation Safety Board blasted the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration for its permissive regulation of driver-assistance systems, specifically Tesla. Foregoing mention of the Tesla's propensity to burst into flames, they were more concerned about lax safety practices. The National Safety Traffic Board called out the National Transportation Board Administration for no practices at all and the National Driver-Assistance Explosion Agency was born. It will report to the National Highway Plane Landing Bureau, for safety programs when damaged planes try to land on highways. Land with the traffic, not against it.

• Live music is coming back to New York. Musicians are serenading passers-by from inside abandoned shops, through the glass windows.
• right after they pull Governor Cuomo off any female band members

We have Ebola. That's right, there's an outbreak in Guinea. Guinea is located just south of New Guinea. Genetic study shows the virus may have hidden in a survivor for 5-6 years. The unnamed man/woman came down with Ebola 5-6 years ago and was vaccinated with the Astra/Zeneca/Pfizer vaccine, which appeared to neutralize the Ebola. Little did they realize it was hiding behind the left kidney. When doctors checked to make sure the Ebola vaccine was effective, it moved behind a lung, until x-rays were ordered, at which point it hid under the right big toe. Whenever you see a discoloration under a nail, it's Ebola, hiding. You never know when it's going to pounce, but you will know when it has pounced. You start to bring up your internal organs (and toenails) through your nose and mouth, going into an infinite loop and infecting everyone around you and their toe or fingernails. It is always best to avoid people bringing up their liquefied internal organs, per the National Highway Safety Association.

• another thing I love about MS Outlook: when it brings up an email under the main window and you can't bring it forward
• I was only 15 minutes late for work today because of the Windows virus. All I needed to do was start the machine up. HA! One doesn't just start up a machine... there are tests... checks.. updates.. calls to Aunt Marge.. I shall just have to get up 30 minutes earlier in case Windows occurs.

I don't get this: Chinese smartphone manufacturer Xaomi was put on the Huawei (ban) list by the government and sued. There is a temporary hold on the ban. The company said the ban was "arbitrary and capricious," and deprived the company of its due process.

Errr.... what due process is a manufacturer owed? Huawei was banned because we don't want Chinese Spying Stuff in our networking gear. It was the right decision by Trump. Why, now, can't we make that decision elsewhere? What am I missing?

If you use SKY ECC for your encrypted messaging, you had better stop. Belgium and the Netherlands broke the encryption and monitored 70,000 users. The CEO was arrested under Racketeering laws. Essentially he was arrested because his secure messaging service was used by criminals and wasn't secure enough to keep governments out.

They will not stop til they have everything. Almost everything isn't good enough. For the time being, use protonmail.com. We are doing nothing wrong by wanting the privacy guaranteed us by the Constitution. Also: don't say anything in email you wouldn't say out loud. Somebody is or will be listening.

• A Faceyspaces study says a small group plays a big role in pushing vaccine skepticism. How did they discover this? By looking at your posts. They will not stop mining you. Will you stop letting them?

It's the little stuff, always.

I'm watching a Britcom called Raised by Wolves. I didn't really want to hear the songs I heard until "Show Me the Way" by Peter Frampton. It was the studio version off the Frampton album. Give it a listen - you'll hear a lot of the songs from  'Comes Alive' and a few more. Great stuff. Old stuff.