Captivity - Day 21

I think all this is having an effect on the dog....
She's not putting her toys back anymore... it's bad enough that her parents have trouble in this area, but when I can't get up from the couch for the dog toys on the floor, there's a problem.  Either that, or she's finally starting to learn from her parents. When she starts drinking too much Snapple, we're going to see the vet. I've never had a dog who failed to grok gravity before. She grabs a toy, leaps up on the couch, then drops the toy on the floor. She sits there, looking at it, perhaps willing it up to the couch. This happens repeatedly and she still lets it fall. It turns out she's doing some Science on us: she's waiting to see how long it will take to train us to pick up the toy.

We're (obviously) 21 days into captivity and I was wondering what I'd be typing about if we weren't locked up confined to the house sheltering-in-place. I've managed to get one blog post per day, with absolutely nothing changing or happening. One could say that I have an awful lot to say about nothing. Or that nothing sparks creativity. Or, as my mom says, "You have a big mouth." Or, as my wife says, "Will you shut up already?"

The clouds have lost their morning battle with the sun, but we remain vigilant. After some spring temperatures, we're back in the Nippley Zone. 2 hours later, if got darker. Now there are snowflakes. Why does this not surprise me? It's windy - I think I saw one of the neighbor kids blow past the house.

Idiot governor hasn't done anything stupid today, but it's early.


So we had to decide on lunch. I favored some bacon with a little pizza. She wanted Duck ala Orange with green sauce. Oh great - fatty meat with oranges. We went with turkey (with no fruit). While I'm working, she likes to tease me... because I don't listen to her (in general, moreso when I'm working), she asked where I'd like to go tonight - the mall? I got all excited, like somebody suggested sex. In both cases, it was not to be.

Wife went to pick up a prescription and they must've thought she was me. They made her wait 20 minutes til everyone else was done, then looked at her funny - "Did you want something?" Meanwhile she watched the employees 'work.' Their boss must've taken off, because the were playing Bayer Ball, Catch the Cover Girl, and Keep Away from the bladder leak underwear. Maybe their boss was there - someone had to teach them to abandon their registers when the lines had more than 2 people in them. One female employee was a little sweet on a male coworker. This was obvious as she chased him up and down the aisles with a price gun, pricing certain parts of him that we couldn't see, but appeared to be near his midsection. Ah, young lust.

I hate retail from both sides of the cash register.

Next to the pharmacy is a gift store. Or some kind of a store with gifts in it. Shelves of crap like wood with funny sayings on it, little dead furry things on tiny wood mountings, and other kinds of funny sayings on fridge magnets. After reading this, does the description make you want to go in or run at the fastest speed possible to a closed liquor store? Because my wife visits there (buys) regularly (several times a week), she has reached Special Status (the manager knows her name). The manager is a little hard of selecting, so she asks the wife what she thinks they need to carry. Every time she chooses, the items fly off the shelves. I will never know walking into a store where someone is happy to see me.


With every day the same, one loses time. I just found out it's Easter on Sunday.
In a meeting, thousands of years ago, the days of the week got together and addressed Saturday's complaint. The result is Good Friday, Super Saturday, and Amazing Sunday. So as to be inclusive, there's also Easter Candy Sale Monday. So once again, we're getting ripped off by the Flying AIDS.



Archbishop Abp Vigano (yes, I spelled that right) asked bishops and priests to pray exorcism 'against Satan' on Holy Saturday. This from a holy group that preys on little boys - exorcise yourselves first.

How's that for a lite, fun Easter story?



Until tomorrow ...
(unless I die)

Captivity - Day 20 - I don't like it being morning

Pennsylvania has 2 weather forecasts: brown and gray. Today is brown.
Everyone's awake for my early meeting. Penny participates in the early meeting by barking like a loon when I have to speak. Wife participates by asking questions when I have to speak. It's just a 20 minute meeting, but it seems to force her to talk during it. Also heard was the local fire siren. My coworkers think I work in a circus... little do they know. Why is the dog barking? A crow is dive-bombing her in the yard. This will be the most exciting thing that happens today. Hours of entertainment.


We all used to get excited for Friday, because it meant the end of the work week and we could get our freak on (whatever that means). Now Friday is Gateway to Saturday, where the only difference is that you didn't work in the house, as opposed to being trapped in the house. Mid-Saturday, you long for Monday, when you can work again.

Since it's been roughly 20 days, we're all a little itchy. Nervous. Armed.
We need to practice self-care to keep calm. Besides, most ammo is sold out. Self-care can be anything you want it to be. Yes, that too, but only if you really love yourself. Here are a few ideas, when you don't have any sheep to count...

Count ceiling tiles.
Count each side of the ceiling tiles.
Count the little holes in each ceiling tile. (no cheating - the amount varies)
After you've counted your arm hair, count someone else's arm hair.
Count the dog's hair. If he moves, you have to start over again.
List 10 ways to really piss off the people you live with: put in a lot of thought
Do a 1,001 piece puzzle with the younger children and the aforementioned dog
Teach the kids to sniff markers. Extra points for model glue or spray paint.
Give your kids the gift of music.... drums. They'll practice all day!
Teach your kids the metric system. Convert liters to kilometers.
Do a detailed writeup of all the cereals in the house, as if they were wine.
--> this one has a nice, floral nose. This one has enough sugar for a heart attack. Does not remain crunchy in milk.



Things I've Discovered in Captivity

There is reduced sugar peanut butter.
There is reduced fat peanut butter.
Both are located in the No Taste aisle.

If white sugar is death, prepare the suicide room and sharpen my knives, Madge
The Post Raisin Bran box is cleverly colored like the Kelloggs Raisin Bran box.
There are great deals on coffee when there's no toilet paper
I had an awful lot of girlfriends named Karen.
Everyone looks stupid in masks
There are still no Coach masks. You expect me to go out in that?
My extended work at home hours cause my wife's extended sleep at home hours
I would love to date Daniela Ruah (CSI LA) but my wife has a strict no-dating policy.
There are Portuguese Jews (see Ruah, Daniela)
The phrase "Would it make you feel any better if I massaged your breasts?" is only funny the first time.
When I open my door, there are 2 jars of peanut butter. the Peanut Butter Fairy?
Even sex gets boring after a while (or so she says)
You only have to shave (and bathe) once a month,. Or so.
Only surf for pr0n on the personal computer, not the work computer

But mostly: This shit sucks


What's Good about Captivity

I don't walk past groups of gay men and get ogled like a bacon sandwich
The traffic is finally manageable
No waiting in line for lunch
I can finally have sex at work. And naps. Lots of naps.




Gimme Gimme

Newegg is giving away free face masks with US orders.
So you get a computer or computer parts AND a face mask. No better reason to buy now (that's how I'll explain it to her).




BRIEF Political News  

The socialist dropped out, leaving senile dementia to run against the megalomaniac. Biden will be a great candidate, once someone reminds him he's running.





Greetings to new readers from Turkmenistan and the Pleiades

Captivity - Day 19

The president said repeatedly that this would be a rough week.
It sure has... the guitar stores remain closed. I have to call Dairy Queen to see if I can still get a malt. We are mostly concerned that the drugstore remains open, because people should have unlimited access to birth control:

Person 1: I'm a baby boomer
Person 2: I'm Gen X
Person 3: I'm Gen Y
Person 4: I'm a corona baby


There are a few states holding out on the quarantine. Good for them. States that do not require government intervention and can make their own decisions.

It's raining again, per Prophecy, as this is trash day. I'm going to get wet taking the cans out or bringing them back - this is a law of physics. Like Quarks and Particles and Blue Matter, no one knows why. Hey... it's  sunny! This is unprecedented. 2 days of sun on trash days - let me bring in the cans. The moment I get out the front door, I feel the familiar droplets....


Caramel M&Ms are fine for breakfast and don't let anyone tell you different.


I am organizing a Neighborhood March to the convenience store this weekend. Everybody will line up, maintaining a 6' distance, and perform a disorderly march to the convenience store. Once there, they will remain at a 6' distance, and enter the store roughly every 5 minutes, per store policy. Since we're distancing and purchasing food, the police can't cite us. I would have been a great social disruptor in the 60s-70s. My anti-war protests would be legendary. I hear women held rallies, at which they'd burn their bras. I would have to attend at least one of those gatherings. Unlike today, they wouldn't weigh 450lbs and sport green hair.


Q. How many governors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You're under arrest.


The problem with captivity is that we don't get enough SJW news. So aside from the Flying AIDS being a tool of the Patriarchy, we aren't treated with much more ridiculousness. This stuff is so random  and insane that most people simply can't make it up. Since I'm so bored that I'm counting my arm hairs, I'll give it a try (he said, revving up his Righteous Indignation):

• The virus is sexist because women get it too.
• You don't have to have specific genitalia to be trans, but you can get the virus either way, which is an obvious tool of the Patriarchy.
• Trump specifically went to China to let the virus loose himself. Since China has a high female to male ratio,this is obviously a male thing and Trump should be impeached. If Biden were president, he might forget which gender (out of the 432) is which.
• It is discrimination if you don't WAX MY BALLS! I'm trans and you have to.
• Malls are also a tool of the patriarchy: the local ones have 289 female shops and 1 for men. The 1 for men must be shut down or they're encroaching on our space. Also, the law that requires department stores to have male clothes should be eliminated. In the meantime, the men's section is located out back, with 3 square feet of display space, which is mostly hangers and some 90s metrosexual man-dresses.

Ok, that's not ridiculous enough>

• Today's email from a guitar manufacturer had a 40% off sale on this one guitar. I've been waiting for one forever,as it's a copy of a Mike Nesmith Gretsch, so I can get my Monkees on. They make lefties, but they're out of stock and won't come in til maybe late April, if the wood hasn't caught the Flying AIDS first. THIS is the kind of RIGHTtriarchy that the left-handed face on a daily basis. It's discrimination in its most basic form. Am I any less of a human if I write with a different hand? (don't even)
• Gibson and Fender have an additional charge for lefties. DISCRIMINATION! There is no left-right hand spectrum - we're one of either, and shouldn't be charged more. It's Rightism, I tell you.
• When I go shopping, I'm lucky to find a single lefty guitar, and it's probably made in North Korea. It explodes when you try to play it, unless you have a very silly haircut, like Best Leader. Best Leader good flend of Tlump. Best flend.
• Without fail, Idiot Salesman, finding I'm a lefty, says "Well, play in a mirror." Wasn't funny 40 years ago, when the first Idiot Salesman said it. Continues to remain riotously unfunny. You stupid dick.
• Ever see a left-handed piano? NO. A left-handed baseball catcher? NO. A left-handed laptop,with the number pad on the left? NO. The entire f'ing world discriminates against us! I'm calling the UN, for crimes against humanity. Speaking of crimes against humanity, Bill Gates has been in the news lately.....

Captivity - Day 18

Life, or what we're calling it, continues, unabated.
There are always concerns, but we're holding it together nicely.

It's mostly sunny, as opposed to mostly cloudy, as opposed to friggin disgusting.
The clouds are fighting a battle to block the sun but aren't having much luck, like Rob Reiner trying to not eat a case of Twinkies. Like Cher, standing next to an original picture of herself, trying to convince people she's the same person. She originally used to look like an American Indian. Now she looks like.... Sylvester Stallone.



Never made it to walk the dog last night, as I had Exercise Panic and had to sit on the couch all night. But I was ready to face the state police and the National Guard. Our forefathers did not fight and die so we couldn't walk our dogs in a pandemic!  I dare the Big-Ass doctors on tv to tell me how I'll get the Flying AIDS from walking the dog. These people don't know what to recommend from day to day, no less what to do in obvious situations.

DO: walk your dog
DON'T: walk your dog during an indoor church service, with 27 busloads of the faithful in attendance.

DO: stay in the goddamn house
DON'T: go to those crowded shows where men dress as women. Go to the ones where men dress as chipmunks.

DO: kiss your wife
DON'T: kiss anybody else's wife (unless she's living with you too)

DO: go outside
DON'T: go outside

DO: wear a mask at the store
DON'T: go to the store

DO: discover new and exciting fetishes
DON'T: try acting them out without your significant other's permission. Prince fans like purple rain. Only a tiny portion of the populace likes yellow rain.



We watched the replay of the Elton John Home Concert.
What a bunch of fatuous, overpriviliged nimrods. "I'm so proud to be a part of this. We're fighting the virus, man, from our living rooms. And yo, props to the first responders and doctors and nurses." My wife, a much more hip person than I could hope to be, couldn't identify some of the acts, so I didn't feel so bad. And I'm a damn musician!

What did I reaffirm? Camilla Cabello is really cute, but only with the sound off.
I prefer Mariah Carey v1, before the facial surgery, breast implants, and a few stays at the Happy Place<tm>. I love Shakira (who didn't appear in the show), and Sir Elton is a gentleman of the highest order. Also, every star shelters-in-place with a guitar player, conveniently, in case they have to do a living room concert.  Hmmm... I smell a gig - I'll bet Shakira needs a guitar player...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Be good to your family, friends, and neighbors. People are getting laid off. Pharmacy employees cannot work from home (I checked). Help where you can, if you can.

Are Service Elephants Exempt from Coronavirus?

• NASA put forth plans for a Lunar Gateway to help astronauts to get to the moon.
• My memory is faulty at best, but didn't we do this in the 60s without a gateway? 

>4,000 Android apps silently access your installed software

Goog allegedly checks this software before it goes in the Play Store.

I was wondering what they check the software with - Boeing 737 MAXs?

• 'Virus-fighting' scientist gets magnets stuck in nose
• In a world run by infants, hasn't this already been done to death?  

The Good

Elton John hosted a star-studded iHeart Living Room coronavirus benefit concert.

Say what you want about Sir Reginald; the man has a heart as big as Texas. He organized a concert in living rooms, with pals Dave Grohl, Mariah Carey, and others. I swear this is or will soon be a South Park episode.

Kaspersky offers free antivirus to hospitals.

People are helping each other.

In Italy, people are singing out their windows to raise spirits.

In New York City, someone sang out of her window. She was promptly told to "Shut the F- up" by her neighbors. That's the New York we know and love.

• Best line this week: Aunt Ellie had breast cancer so she had her breasts replaced.
• Hey, could you change the oil and replace the breasts, please?

These guys probably weren't the first you thought of when you worried about people losing jobs: the mafia has been hit hard. Gambling, sports, and construction have pretty much ground to a halt. Tony Soprano not available for comment.

• Rabbi is claiming rampaging monkeys launching attacks are a sign of biblical plague. 
• Christians are pissed - "That's our gig!"
• The specific phrase states that 'those who follow God's laws are blessed - while there is a plague promised for those who break them.'
• I'm not a biblical scholar, but how he got from plague to rampaging monkeys is suspicious.

Einstein’s letters illuminate a mind grappling with quantum mechanics.

Einstein was the premier kidder of the 1920s. He wore a disheveled fright wig to make people think he was out of his mind, but the entire time, he was perfectly well-mannered, well-dressed, and pretended to be confused about quantum mechanics, when he actually invented it. He spent the majority of his elder years fighting a court battle to get wormholes (the Einstein Rosen Bridge) referred to as the Einstein Bridge: Rosen only brought coffee to the lab (and diddled Einstein's girlfriends).

My wife loves me so much, I woke up to her covering my face with a pillow to protect me from covid19  [Twitter]

LA City Council met for the first time virtually.

An hour in, they had to pause the meeting because someone was running a pornographic video in the Zoom channel.  I submit that the video was interesting and the City Council meeting was shocking and pornographic.  But seriously folks - avoid Zoom like the coronavirus.

Singapore gay sex ban: Court rejects appeals to overturn law

What's so bad or threatening that laws have to control it? Will people get 'The Gay' from insufficient social distancing? Imagine a government that thinks it can legislate what you can and cannot do in the privacy of your home....

Today I identify as   a pen that refuses to write, even though it has ink

Bogus coronavirus claims lead Google Play to finally give Infowars the boot

In English, this means that Alex Jones was thrown out of the Apple App Store on 2018 and just thrown out of Google, because of 'bogus coronavirus claims.'

I told you so.

I warned that it was Goog's right to deny anyone, but by throwing off largely conservative news, we weren't getting the full story, or even another view. I have no opinion on Jones, other than he's funny when he gets excited. It is the reader who needs to decide what is truth and what isn't. Instead, social media has deplatformed anyone disagreeing with the Party Line. Society needs dissenting voices, even if they're a few cans short of a six pack.

The reason that Trump talks about 'fake news' is that it's true. It was true long before he made it to office. We are spoon-fed crap all day and night, and we don't care to figure any of it out - we just wait to be told what to believe and believe what we're told. At one point, Ben Franklin was a dissenting voice. Unfortunately we have to seek out alternative news. There's no truth ratio, but believe very little of what mainstream media tells you. What if Infowars was correct?

• Dolly Parton says that the Flying AIDS is a lesson from God. 
• Dolly's god is a nasty, petulent god, who is apparently a real sadist.
• I'm no religious student, but lessons can be taught without wiping out large percentages of a planet.
• Implants have been known to burst, sending chemicals into the bloodstream. I'm not saying that's what happened, but...

The Chinese, if you choose to believe their press, have the Flying AIDS epicenter located in a wild animal market. I have a small suggestion, which might help in the future: stop eating BATS and DOGS, Fool.

SJW Slush

Fundamentally, #COVID19 and the inadequate response in our country and around the world are symptoms of patriarchy. The new post-#coronavirus world should be better than this.

Captivity - Day 17

It's Monday- back to work, at the same place you spent your weekend. And the week before that.

Idiot governor strikes again: state police ticket woman for 'going for a drive'.
Vair ah your paperz?
There is absolutely no reason for this. None. Idiot governor is a first class ass, as are the state troopers for enforcing it. This is not a police state (yet), or maybe it is. Protests have been registered.


Say it with me: Dunkin Frozen Hot Chocolate. Go get one.


Lines to get into grocery stores.
I'm working, so Mrs lefty is shopping.
Dog is napping. She practices a lot and seems to have it down.


Speaking of shopping, Costco was as-normal, with 60% masked.
20% naked. Costco pays employees to wipe down carts (their resumes read Cart Wiper). There are buckets with hand wipes. There are troughs with tiger dung. This is a shame, as it was just discovered that tigers can get the Flying AIDS too. I don't know about you, but I'm not sticking a thermometer up there. To add authenticity, there were old people leaving their carts in the middle of aisles and backing over people in the parking lot.

We picked up one of those industrial-size masks for the car, just in case.
Since it was Costco, we also picked up oil filters (limit 2 per customer), new knobs for the stereo, Barbie seat covers, a Jeff Beck air freshener, and a Ron Jeremy shifter knob.



==================================

I read here and there about people having trouble over the lockdowns.
Depression, anxiety, claustrophobia, and whatever else....
There's no question that captivity can cause these symptoms.

[Standard Disclaimer] I am not a doctor, medical professional, or mental health worker.

Were you treated for any of these conditions before? What helped? Can you reach your therapist/doctor and try again? Can you reach someone else in the practice? Therapists are doing audio and video treatment, so you don't have to leave your house., whether you can or not.

• Gotta dog? Take the dog for a walk.
• No dog? Go for a walk.
• Got dirt? Play in it. Do some gardening. You're not likely to pick anything up while playing with plants. I'm told this is a good antidepressant, along with exercise of any variety.
• Read a book: it will take you away.
• You probably have some old projects you wanted to get to but never had the time. Now's the time.
• The internet is FULL of things to do, study, learn, and mindless entertainment. Same with tv. Many colleges and universities have free courses
• try/learn meditation. YouTube has a ton of videos, plus specific frequencies that help out with different issues. YouTube has everything, including how to fix your dryer.
• Research JFK - it's fascinating and there's no shortage of information. UFOs too. Whatever floats your boat. Rent a boat.
• Listen to yourself breathe.

Take care of yourself. This is the most important thing you can do.

Captivity - Day 16

One of the reasons we love dogs is that they're always happy to see us.

Penny is no exception. Even walking into my office from a different room, she's happy to see me. Even popping into bed at 4am and licking my face for a few minutes, she's happy to see me. While the wife is saying "Penny, leave him alone," she's happy to see me. Sometimes when I get up, I don't feel like I've slept. No idea why.

Idiot governor has recommended masks. 

Idiot governor knows you can't buy masks anywhere in the country.

Bored this morning, he urged the faithful not to attend religious services for the upcoming holidays. Well, at least he hasn't passed laws against it. I'd hate to drive by the church on Easter and see police escorting parishioners into buses for quarantine in some old Walmart. Or sealing the entire building in plastic, with everyone inside.

I believe Idiot governor is Jewish. Recommending people stay away from synagogues is a very clever move: have you ever tasted matzoh? The best description is, like Pizza Hut pizza, it's virtually indistinguishable from the box it comes in. Some prefer the box.

One of Trump's High Muckety Mucks said don't go to the grocery store.

Now he tells us.

I'll just call the grocery store and give them a small list of the 400 items we need, with the specific brands. You know this isn't going to make a difference, because the groceries are all touched anyway, so you might as well order a small container of the Flying AIDS. Plus you'll miss walking around the store, seeing everyone looking like operating room staff or banditos.  Then I'll have them deliver everything and charge it to the White House.

It didn't take me long to adjust to the masks in the supermarket, but the banditos were completely foreign. How do they tell the banditos from actual criminals trying to rob the place? "Will this be all, or would you like me to open the safe too?" "Last 2 toilet paper rolls or the contents of my cash drawer?" The other people in line are chanting "Toilet paper. Toilet paper!"

I wore one of those masks a while back, while painting. It was pretty solid. I can't imagine why people think looking like banditos is going to protect them. Even dummies like me know that the holes in cotton weave are huge compared to masks. If you're going to do it, at least wear custom bandito-wear. Maybe black, with a "C" on it. Or "Fever Free" in script. How about "Undiagnosed" to keep people away from you. A t-shirt that says "I'm lucky - I only have AIDS."

If you're looking for something to watch, HBO is offering a bunch of shows and movies free, via their app or their website. There's also a Gilligan's Island marathon on some other channel we don't get. I'd be riveted to that, but I have a self-dentistry marathon today.

It was delightfully sunny when I woke up (before noon, at 11:30), but, true to form, the clouds are winning their war on the sun, darkening the area. The PA state bird is the cloud. When the sun comes out, the airport has to shut down all flights. Mothers drag their children into the house. People use sunscreen if they have to be near windows. Car windows can't be tinted that dark. Stores close. Hmmm..... this weather thing is almost like a virus.

Good Word

A big ThermionicEmissions salute to the people on the front lines. Doctors, nurses, police, fire, ambulance, cashiers, and Dunkin Donuts employees. These people are literally risking their lives for us. Hospitals are understaffed because employees are getting sick. Major points to these people. Maybe we can do something to support them, now or later. Ask around.

Captivity - Day 15

Seriously - a show about fat white guys catching fish?
Apparently it gets worse: a competition between fat white guys from the north and fat white guys from the south. So catching fish isn't enough, no sir.... competitive fish-catching it is. Small wonder my biblical coworker keeps telling me it's the End Times.

Naturally, one of the fat white guys says Game Changer. This is a phrase I'm beyond sick of and have issued an edict against. As if to mock me personally, more people say it.


It's a great day - I became awake before noon.
The sun is actually in the sky, which is nice, but not to worry; the clouds are doing their best to completely obscure it. Most days they win. You can watch this war, if you've got nothing better to do. Like us. Next I'll complain about individual specs of dust. That's a lot of complaining.

Someone referred to the situation as House Arrest. Nice.


It was only 2 hours til my 1st nap of the day. When I got up, I felt like taking my 2nd nap immediately but somehow dragged myself up.  It was at least an hour before I had my 2nd nap. I had a dream about an old girlfriend, a donkey, chocolate syrup, and a huge condom. I'm really bad at dream interpretation and even if I dug him up, Freud would have no idea.


We're a little house-crazy so we were thinking about getting out. Perhaps we can plan a big trip to get some takeout food. Hell, at this point, I'd go shoe shopping, with or without Mrs lefty.


Law and Order SUV was on tv.
Of course it was - Law and Order is on any channel in any country in any time zone. Even the aliens can get it, long before they hit the Earth. What they must think of us...

TV is muted because I don't really watch it. Now that I think of it, I muted the tv before my first nap. Mrs lefty has been talking on the phone for the entirely of my 1st nap. It's a wonder her jaw never gets tired (no jokes, please).


So people are increasingly wearing masks. I heard the CDC has officially recommended it, but I keep forgetting to take in much news. This is not a foreign topic, as people have been suggesting I wear a mask for most of my life.


I just realized, with horror, that the 10 Commandments is on. So much for talking to Mrs lefty for the next 6 hours. 1 hour for each commandment.

The Masks Don't Help and We Look Like Weenies

Since we're all inside, less stuff happens, so we have to go with what we find.

• Amazon is having a rough time with shipping deadlines. I think they should throw all boxes in bleach. No one will be afraid to touch them.

YMCA, by the Village People, is going into the Library of Congress.
I did some checking and Led Zeppelin isn't in the Library of Congress. Dr Dre will be inducted this year because that's obviously music (?), along with Whitney Houston. Surprisingly, Jimi Hendrix and Jeff Beck have good showings.

It's like the Grammys, but not quite as confusing.

• It's at times like these we can reflect on the positives of this situation. For instance, it might be hard to find toilet paper, but Caramel M&Ms are on sale.

Amazon, hiring 100,000 employees, has a small problem, in that employees at 9 warehouses have contracted coronavirus. I was right - the 100,000 were replacements.

• News said up to 10% of New York City's police are sick. If this continues, people will walk around, openly flaunting their 64oz sodas.

There are many articles online about what you should and shouldn't do. One says going outside is good for physical and mental health (as long as nobody is near you). I told you exercise causes cancer. Or in the case, the Flying AIDS.

• Southeast Pennsylvania Transportation Agency (SEPTA), the company that runs public transportation, says they're at 6% ridership.
• They're still running late.

The US Space Force has successfully launched its first mission.
What is it?  That's classified.
When did it launch? You don't have a need to know.
What did it cost? More than COVID-19 bailouts
What does that patch on your uniform say? "Space Force: Bringing Freedom to Space"




Today I identify as   a tampon

Light travels at the speed of 186k miles per second.

A Light Year is light traveling at 186k miles per second for every second of every minute, hour, day, week, and month for a entire year. 

That comes to 5.8 trillion miles. 

The US government is 3½ Light Years in debt.

Now that most of us across the planet have to stay home, it's past time to figure out what's up. It must be good, because it's not restricted to any one people, country, or economy.

The first thing to ask in any situation is who benefits...
Well, there's a great opportunity for one or more Big Pharma corporations to score. Not sure if this is long-term enough to make it worth the trouble.

One group benefits: the governments, who have enacted shutdowns and violations of civil rights. China clamped down immediately. Others followed. When this is over, are every one of our rights going to be restored? Several states have used the Flying AIDS to close gun stores. This is what we call an agenda.

If we take this far out there, it's another part of George Bush's New World Order. The UN has been working on this forever, as have the Bilderbergers, Trilateral Commission, and the Council on Foreign Relations. Hillary and Henry Kissinger are members of these groups. Look them up - I did. It's hiding in plain sight.


This is just the obvious stuff. Send a comment with your ideas.




SJW Simpering


COVID-19 is a gendered crisis.

Nurses, nurse aides, teachers, child carers and early-childhood educators, aged-care workers and cleaners are mostly women.

They are on the frontline of this public health crisis and carry a disproportionate risk of being exposed to the virus.

Idiot Governor, top right

Captivity - Day 14

Either I haven't gotten enough sleep or the dog just complained about not going for car rides. Must be the sun. We see it so little, it confuses us when it comes out. Might also have something to do with those things I see moving, late at night. I swear that bag was breathing....


Things have been going to hell around the house, because we're now home all the time. You know how you always wished you had the time to clean and do things right? Turns out it doesn't work that way. Wishing you had the time is simply Convenient Bullshit, to get you out of cleaning. Don't ask how I know.


Another unforeseen consequence of being home: the dogs.
All of the sudden, every dog in the neighborhood has gotten chatty.
Like Hollywood, when one talks, every other one must join in.
So now there are 5 minute explosions of dogs barking. In case you're bored, there are also dogs down the block you didn't know about, and dogs on the tv. My dog hears dogs on tv, barks, then goes around the back of the tv, looking for them.


Nikon is offering online photography courses this month, free.


Idiot governor not only shut down the entire state, the entire country may be wearing masks, per White House recommendation.  Remember: the masks protect others from you, not the other way around.  Naturally I get this kind of information from the BBC, because the US has absolutely no news worth reading. It's no longer news, it's agenda.


I'm getting ready to practice some civil disobedience as part of my weekend activities. I'll walk the dog again. I'll show THEM. Idiot governor said nothing about dog walking, probably because he forgot. I might walk her TWICE (hold on there, Bubba, that's mutiny. And too much like exercise).

Hmmm.... lets think of the list of civil disobedience for weekends:

• take the dog food shopping, sharing one mask
• drive around the corner, not buying food or medicine
• mow the lawn (just kidding)
• carry a protest sign outside the liquor store
• defiantly sit on my front steps
• block traffic (in my driveway)
• stay 5.99' from people
• make a mask out of fashionable jeans with holes in them
• take up drinking
• breast implants (I don't know - it just came to me)

I sure picked a bad time to need dental work and glasses.

And a nose job.

When I was little, I got hit by a softball. It turns out they're not soft at all. So I have an interesting nose. They say it has character. I say character means ugly. I am not a handsome guy, but I'm ok with that: I have character.


I also picked a good time to go shopping, or rather, Mrs lefty picked it.
I was pretty damn impressed. There were people but it was lighter than normal. A bunch were wearing masks - good for them... they weren't even rude! I was thinking some welder's masks would be pretty cool (hot?). The cashiers had large plastic shields between them and us. I asked one if she felt safer: she replied in the affirmative. Then I asked her about her sex life. She said she liked it dirty; she didn't use the plastic shield.

Most importantly, there was food. Last time there was food, but there was a lot more this time. Granted, my hood isn't your hood, but remain calm. Negativity helps nobody.


See you tomorrow.
Late morning or afternoon - it's the weekend.

Captivity - Lucky Day 13

This made my morning

Lunch, however, was an entirely different situation.

Took out leftover lasagna, put on kitchen counter. Turned around, entire lasagna leapt to ground (5 second rule does not apply to lasagna).  Made soup: almost spilled 3 times. Heated garlic bread: it's like rubber. Took to office: spoon sunk into bowl, leaving me to fish around hot soup to find it.

I'm literally terrified to go back for a soda.
Another benefit of working from home is that you can work drunk. I'm seriously considering it at this point. My behavior is so erratic normally that they won't notice any difference.


Today's Fact: tortilla soup has no tortillas in it.



HIM: Hey, are you eating lunch?
HER: I'm eating mangoes.

This is another reason why people drink.



Against better judgment, I was cleaning yesterday. That's two days in a row, and I slept for 12 hours. I shouldn't try that again.

Once the backhoe removed the dust that was blocking the door, I could make it to my desk. Once the backhoe moved a few things from the desk, I got set up. I even had power and net access. After a few months (16), I decided to clean the other half of the room. I had to return the backhoe, so it was all by hand. I found square monitors! Did you know you can't use a square monitor with a current monitor? It confuses the hell out of the computer, costing me a lot of money in new monitors. Anybody need 5 square monitors? Maybe 10?

One lost treasure became found: an autographed picture of Leah Remini (King of Queens, Scientology), before facelift. This woman is gorgeous.

Sure enough, there were carcasses of enemies and a few ex-friends. And a few ex-girlfriends. They're safely in the basement, with Jimmy Hoffa (most of us aren't old enough for that reference). Also found a guitar amp I modified, apparently a while ago. old bills (oops), old tax documents (double oops), and the phone numbers of 10 of the 15 Victoria's Secret models (I picked a bad time to stop being single). Strangely, I also found my 1979 station wagon, my old apartment, and my collection of women's underwear (in case any stayed over and needed some) (yeah, right). In my defense, they're not my size.

Judging by the look on Mrs lefty's face, I will be cleaning again tonight (after I get the station wagon started).




To the best of my knowledge, Idiot Governor hasn't done anything publicly idiotic today. Of course I haven't read the news today either,

Captivity - Day 12

The sun was out when I got up this morning: it was a confusing time for all of us.
This also indicates it will rain tonight, because it always rains when I have to take out the trash, or take in the cans.


It's beyond ironic that I have a weekly Wednesday commitment and have to leave the house. I suspect that won't happen tonight. I'm on something like week 7 of not leaving the house, except for work. I'm not lying when I say corona hasn't changed things much. I trained for this. I can do it. Easier than most others. My commitment had gone virtual, so it took me half the day to undo my security so I could use the camera. I got all set and discovered that the other side had an issue and that was it. It's a good thing this isn't a doctor's visit, or I'd be dead. It's funny that cell phones have been around forever and they're still not right.


Whenever I feel I've worked too much, I realize my boss just sent me a message at 1am.


Wife made a particularly good corned beef and cabbage the other day. We're trying to figure out whether this makes her a good Irishwoman or Jewishwoman. I believe the line is the cabbage: if it's there, it's Irish. If the corned beef is on rye, it's Jewish.


Another bad thing about working from home is that there's no social interaction with coworkers. Some would say this is a good thing. I miss coming up with the strangest irrelevant response for any question. I always miss women, but there are about 4 of them, so I can't miss them too much. One is the snorer. I can take snoring, but not from 250lb bruisers with the social skills of Godzilla. Good thing I married an attractive one and snoring is entirely my job. I heard that my snoring was so bad the other night, I could hire myself out as a bed vibrator. Not the good kind.

When I started there, there were literally no pens. Or paper. To this day, nothing has changed. I guess they figure if you do your job on a computer, you don't need pens or paper. I am among the lucky ones: I got a chair. And locking cabinets. There is more locked space than stuff to put in it. If I had a pen, I'd lock it up. It took months to get my computer, because they were rushing it. I just found out I can work from home, but I can't print from home. So if I understand this correctly. I do my work, then drive to work, hopefully in a hazmat suit, and print it there, then drive back home, and burn the hazmat suit. Sounds efficient.



I read a little more about Idiot Governor's stay-at-home order.
Stay at home unless you're going food shopping. Or to the doctor. Or taking food to a relative. Or caring for a relative. Or driving a truck. I went to get guitar shopping in there, but the guitar shops are closed. You can't even go to a mall. Fast food is drive-thru, making me wonder if it's more difficult to screw up your order. And when they do screw up your order, you have to go back to the 247 car line to get things screwed up differently.

===========================

Check on your friends, neighbors, and family. Does anybody need anything?
Use technology and do video chats. Watch a movie 'together'. Eat together. Social media is good in limited quantities: otherwise it's toxic. Learn things online. I hear you can 'improve' yourself by learning. Pick up a new language - human or computer. Learn how to use your computer for more than a social media gateway. Learn how to secure your computer and other gear.

Once again: Don't buy into the panic, check news once a day at most. Remain level or even positive. You will get through this.


Illegitimi non carborundum - don't let the bastards get you down

Wear the Mask, Don't EAT the Mask

Couples: if one of you ain't putting out because of virus fears, remind them that you're both ok and working from home.

Be careful of Fido, though. A few dogs have shown symptoms, so make sure he wears one of those silly masks. And good luck getting it on him.

• The mayor of Philadelphia, Jim Kenney, is on board with the shelter-in-place order, except for gun crimes and people who don't pay their soda tax. Mayor Kenney said they deserve to be shot anyway.
• Illegal Aliens will be allowed to move into City Council, much to the chagrin of City Council. The denizens of Philly are surprisingly behind the move, as the illegals will no doubt steal less than City Council proper.
• I kid - Kenney will order all $250/night and up hotels to house the illegals.

But seriously... we wouldn't know what to do if Penny got sick. She has some 'habits' that would prove... difficult. Every night when I get in bed, she races me to my pillow and licks my face until she has to be physically removed from me. Even Mrs lefty doesn't do this, so we're not sure what the dog finds appealing (as opposed to appalling).

• Staying in has really cramped this blog's style. Some of you are surprised to discover this blog has any style.
• I'm just kidding: I barely go out anyway. I actually have masks, but different kinds.

Can you imagine that, in some country that is not the US, people are coming to this blog to learn what it's like for Americans? This should guarantee fat aid packages from overseas.

• Are you missing live sports?
• I'm not.

Even uncontacted tribes in Brazil may face coronavirus risk

Of course they do - the cannibals may eat infected hunters.

In times of emergency, you have your people who operate with good sense, and you have your Type-A overachievers who could use some serious medicine: the people who build themselves standing desks. These are the people who should be tested first, just so they get out of the house.

Now that you're mostly housebound, here's a factlet to share with friends and family: vampire bats bond by grooming first to build trust before sharing blood. So sleep with your neck exposed: maybe the little f'ers will get coronavirus.

A third of men carrying out rough sex acts such as biting and choking do not ask for consent, a survey finds. One must really learn to behave, especially in the current climate. If one takes a bite out of another, one should ask first. A stupid little virus and people go cannibal...

• Senator Rand Paul has tested positive for the virus, but he's asymptomatic. Which gives me an idea.... let's quarantine all politicians. Hopefully they can do a lot less damage there.

GameStop will temporarily close all storefronts to customers.
No one will notice the difference.

• Harvey Weinstein tested positive. I'll bet nobody's visiting.

Today I identify as   Area 50  (Area 51's old, disused relative)

• OOPS - all 16 Dead Sea Scroll fragments in the Museum of the Bible are fakes, most likely by the same source.
• Museum changes name to Museum of the Bible, forged.

Mozilla is removing FTP from Firefox shortly. FTP stands for File Transfer Protocol. It's ancient and not secure. They can replace is with the secure SFTP (Secure FTP) but won't, perhaps due to the weather. It's been quite a while since I've used Windows, but I remember a program called Filezilla for FTP. If you rely on FTP, give it a look. I think Microsoft Explorer does FTP but it's been a while and let's face it - who wants to use Explorer?

• Faceyspaces to lower video quality in Latin America, following Europe
• Now if they could only raise their reader quality...

Hackers were caught by white hat hackers after getting into the Instagram account of an unnamed porn star and demanding $5,000. I'm thinking to myself, my mom would say "now is the time to put your skills to the test." She's right. Plus the fringe benefits would be wild.

• Our favorite pizza place is open. So remember: stockpile garlic.

SJW Hits Corona  - spot the made-up story

Speech recognition algorithms may also have racial bias.

Upset that Coronavirus hits cis hetero whites less than blacks; calls for deliberate infection of Patriarchy.

there's nothing like a Chow