Captivity - Day 11

Captain, we're still down in this hole... don't know how much longer we can hold out.. rations fine but toilet paper gone... 

So you're shut up (and shut down) in your home. If you're really lucky, someone else's home. You're bored, you aren't sleeping well, and you can see the individual specs of dust blowing around the air. Some of you can see things... on the walls...

Godammit - we need suggestions for Stuff to Do   

Never fear, lefty's here (uh-oh)

• have sex
• watch others have sex
• have sex with yourself: it's ok when it's someone you love
• list, rate, and visit your top 50 pr0n sites. Do a review on each.
• are you starting to see a pattern?
• walk the dog
• if you're working from home, do not tell your boss you're having sex (unless he asks you to stream it and you get overtime)
• Find one of those horrid tv stations that play tv shows from before you were born and watch, open-mouthed.
• Find the Game Show Network and watch some games. From the 1970s.
• Walk the dog (if you can wake her)
• find and list 25 no-fail ways to annoy your spouse. 50 if you're feeling a bit punchy..
• complain about your spouse's constant demands for sex
• call relatives and friends you haven't spoken to since 3rd grade (like Faceyspaces with a phone!). 
• Call some dead relatives and see if they answer
• ask why everybody says 'social distancing' all of the sudden - it's like the term appeared out of the blue last month.
• do something constructive: delete Windows and try linux
• put a sign in front of your neighbor's house that says "Free Toilet Paper"
• Explain to the kids what Outside is. Take them there (maintaining social distancing, of course).
• Watch the individual specs of dust form a chorus line and sing your favorites from Cats
• Experience marital bliss (unless she's home too)
• Educate your children with a map of the country, having them draw borders around the states that have closed their borders. Have them collect pictures of the dead from each state.
• Make stupid lists of things to do during captivity
• transcribe every commercial that says BUT WAIT!!!!
• Write down the name of every law firm and the maladies they will help you sue for - remember, the consultation is free.
• You know you've hit bottom when the kids say, "No, we're tired of Faceyspaces."
• Covid-19 will prove to be the most enlightening, educating, productive time in history. People will be so tired of being stuck with their own family, they'll learn science and cure coronavirus. And everything else.

Idiot Governor extends stay-at-home order for 33 counties in PA.

Idiot Philly Mayor only concerned about violating 2nd Amendment

Idiot Governor has president declare PA a disaster. PA was always a disaster.

Captivity - Day 10

Hi ho
Hi ho

Hi WHO?

It's the start of a brand new week! How can we tell?
Can't be the weather; it's gray and raining, like most other days.
Our bodies seem to know it's Monday.
Ah, yes, the alarm went off.
The dog, much smarter than me, is still in bed. You have to figure it's difficult, when most of your day is taken up shredding stuffed animals and following Mommy around the house.

At least the traffic continues to be light.

Work will be fun this week.
Last week we had a meeting wherein the Boss said "Don't use the spanner to adjust the fringati." The meeting got heated.  Naturally the first thing I see is that someone used the spanner to adjust the fringati.  I like the people I work with. Some of them are just more stupid than others.

Even more fun was the new software, to replace the old software. It duplicates much of the existing software, but in a larger, clunkier way, so I understand why we needed it. It can do all sorts of things the other software did, plus new, useless things. In fact, I can now connect to all the old software I never used, plus new, horrible, dreaded software. Because it came from the same company as the old software, nothing's the same. You have to adapt to IT. This is made 3 times as amusing, as everybody has the software, no one knows how to use it, and the old software no longer works. Just for fun, it wants to take up all of my monitor space. If I add another monitor, it wants that space too.

The question remains 'how do I get my work done?'
The answer is 'you don't.' Just spend a few weeks watching YouTube videos of other people looking like they use it. Because I'm easily amused, maybe I'll watch the videos in a different language... when we're talking this software, all languages sound the same anyway. Did you notice I didn't say Microsoft once? But wait!!!! If you buy one new program, it eats all your other programs! Yes, the computer is so slow, I have to wait for the mouse to show up when I move it.


I spent some non-working time, which looks exactly like working time, cleaning up the 'office'. It's not that I had to put the whole thing together in a day.. it's that it's been a while since I've been in the office, which doubles as an electronics workbench, storage, a radio room, and a place to store the bodies before I put them in the basement. The first problem was getting INTO the room... the dust had piled up so high, it wouldn't let me open the door. I don't want to say it's been a while, but the monitors were square. One rental of a small backhoe later, I was safely seated at my new desk. Since it's going to be a while, I had the bodies removed. I found stuff I didn't know I had, including a Fender Stratocaster, flipped around, with Hendrix's autograph. I don't think it's been that long, but I suspect the fact that the autograph was done in crayon means something.

Another benefit of working at home is that falling asleep in an office chair and doesn't quite carry the stigma it did when I worked in a building. I already miss the lady who snored and the older dude calling the pharmacy for his Cialis.


It could be worse. Kentucky's borders were closed, among others. They didn't want the drunk tractor races to leave the state.

But seriously.. can't these governors do something useful for once?

Captivity - Day 9

Man, I was up early. It must've been 10:30.
It's difficult to tell by the sun because there isn't any.
There's some old dude down the street, putting animals into a boat.

We had breakfast, but at different times.
Several people called today.
We're doing puzzles later, if we have the strength and the meds wear off by then.

Didja ever notice it rains and rains and rains and you can't go out because you're quarantined?  I hate that.

Several groups have been busted at corona parties.
It's kinda disturbing when the police show up for a party. They're already mad they weren't invited, then they tell you that this is an illegal gathering because you're 48 over the 2 person limit.  I say let the partiers all get the Flying AIDS. It's our right as Americans. Our forefathers fought and died so we have the right to get any virus.

Several Important People<tm> at the White House are having the best time of their lives, messing with the president. They give him information about the Flying AIDS, which he reports in a press conference. A few hours later, they tell him the opposite, making him look stupid. The Sunday news shows, lead by Beat the Press, are having a more hilarious time than normal. Their segments include: What the president did wrong today, How Michelle Obama would have done it better, and Joe Biden saying how it should be done. Biden said "How what should be done? Got any oil filters?"

Those who are not Americans, which includes most of the rest of the world, specifically Britain, now have a a place to report people who they suspect have the Flying AIDS and have left their homes. HUH? That place has gone stark raving mad. Call 01-999-555-SNITCH. If somebody has said something you don't like on social media, press 2. If someone has said anything against a minority, press 3. If someone is carrying a carpet knife for work, press 4. If someone has said the F- Word, press 5. If you got your genitals stuck to a light pole again, press 6. If a minority has driven a van over the sidewalk, killing 12, we don't want to hear about it.

There are conflicting reports about quarantining New York.
I think it's a fine idea, but only if we get California too.
New York's mayor told synagogues to close down or be closed down permanently. If I understand correctly, the mayor, who is against quarantine, has just quarantined. Next week he will be shutting down law firms. That should be fun to watch.

I read something about the social distancing being incorrect: instead of 6', experts say it should be 24'.  I realize I've been training for this all my life.

Scientists have reported there are 8 strains of the Flying AIDS.
Students of scientists have reported 16 strains. They claim the scientists are mad because they never get invited to virus parties and no one listens to them anyway. The California strain is a particularly weird virus, which makes you defecate in the street. The New York strain makes you frequently erupt with "Hey, yo, whatchoo mean by dat? I did your mudder." The Florida strain makes you eat dinner at 4pm and takes away your ability to see over the dashboard of your car. Lastly, the New Jersey strain frequently makes you wanna go downna shoor.

The Great Unwashed don't know it yet, but they're going to riot in one week. The Furry Show, where contestants wear furry outfits in front of judges, will be put on indefinite hold because of social distancing. This is worse than lack of food, nowhere to buy beer, and the continuing adventures of the Kardashians, so rioting will ensue. You might be wondering how the Kardashians can still be on tv, with all the social distancing.... they have their own air pumped in, free from viruses.


Remember to do good things for people. Keep calm.
Keep in touch with family and friends.
Skype your mother, and realize she has no idea what Skype is. She'll call you back and complain that people keep calling her and hanging up.

Of Course I've Taken My Meds, Mr Dragon

There's a special place in hell reserved for people who Reply All.


Practical advice: your laptop or pc needs to breathe, like those people you keep in the basement. Over time, dust (and body parts) pile up in computers because they have fans. Fans suck. Sometimes the people in the basement do also. They tend to get all icky and can clog up, making it difficult to cool your computer. If you can't cool your computer, it will get hot. No, really. When it gets to a certain temperature, it will (hopefully) shut down. Even if it does, this is not a good thing.

Buy some canned air. Spray it on the intake side of the fan (there might be a filter). You can do this both running and off. You'll see dust (and hopefully nothing else) come out. I recommend against snorting it, but I can't tell you what to do, especially in the privacy of your own home. If things still get hot, download a manual for the pc/laptop or check YouTube, and learn how to turn a few screws to open it. While you're disassembling, put the screws in a pill bottle or convenient container. Spray again. Get the whole computer.

And please remember to feed the people in the basement. It's inconvenient to dispose of the remains. Or so I hear.

• Great news, Comcast users: Your favorite cableco is selling your viewing habits to advertising biz Comscore   Evil to their core.

TikTok 'tried to filter out videos from ugly, poor or disabled users'

also abnormal body shape, chubby, obese or too thin, ugly facial looks or facial deformities.  How many categories do you fit in?   I suspect the Inclusive Patrol will be all over this, even though the story will be forgotten by noon.

Experts Say the Internet Will Mostly Stay Online During Coronavirus Pandemic

Donate your excess bandwidth to www.bobsadultvids.com before something bad happens!


Surge in home working highlights Microsoft licensing issue: if you are not on subscription, working remotely is a premium feature

Hmmmm.... I wonder if there's an operating system that isn't licensed.... hmmm..

Dear lefty

• What should I avoid during this virus?
• Breathing

As everyone knows, I don't like much of anything.
However, I found this online radio station - BellyUp4Blues - this is one serious ass-kickin' station. It plays blues and blues-rock. You can listen at the website, through different services (Shoutcast, TuneIn, etc), or direct to your player. You'll hear some great blues and serious guitar. Stop by and give it a listen. If you like what you hear, it's listener-supported, so please make a contribution (I am). This is my go-to online station.

• American hero Buzz Aldrin turned 90 this year.
• don't tell anybody, but he's an alien.

An interview with a YouTuber whose entire channel is videos of him opening  doors (334).I'm going to change the name of this blog to "We're a World of Morons"
Who among us will be the next Internet Sensation? How about 500 videos of you pulling a lamp cord? Or your zipper? Unlocking a car door? Cleaning belly button lint? Pushing a vacuum from east coast to west coast (for charity, of course). Pulling boogies out of your nose?  It's so difficult to keep ahead of people.

• Before this next item, I want you to sit down... this is a big one.
• Microsoft has done well. (are you ok?) MS Teams has held up very well under incredible load.

Back to normal, a leaked document has the government preparing for an 18 month pandemic.



What did we learn today?

Astronauts ordered to shelter in-place in the Space Station over fears of COVID-19. NASA concerned that all earthlings breathing will send COVID into space, infecting the astronauts. The astronauts have to shelter -in-place while practicing social distancing. A rocket has been sent to the Space Station, loaded entirely with antibacterial soap.

For some reason I can't figure out, people have been asking me what I think about the virus (the Flying AIDS). I think the response is way overblown. WAY overblown. We don't need curfews and shelter in place and VA virus stations. This is a test of some kind. PA is days from a lockdown.

Target stores are reserving the first hour (Wednesdays?) for older folks and people with disabilities. Advice to Target: stock up on canes.
The airline industry wants, and will get, a bailout.
Trump wants to give everyone $1,000 shortly, then again (next month?)
I wouldn't be me if I didn't grouse about where this is coming from. $850 billion.
MEXICO is giving the US $250 billion for the emergency. I am seriously impressed. Imagine having to ask the drug gangs for that kind of cash...

I haven't heard any democratic response to the stimulus package, but let's take a guess:

• it wasn't big enough
• IMPEACH! AGAIN!
• His wife is ugly. Mrs Obama was a trendsetter and so beautiful
• The whole financial giveaway was Obama's idea.
• Trump set the virus loose, so he could come in and rescue everyone
• Pelosi is $25k beyond on her plastic surgery bill so we wrote it into the law
• Bernie said socialism works.
• Biden said "Look - I'm James Bond!"

Hold on, kids... information coming in.... several senators face calls to resign over insider trading. They found out about the virus and sold stock before bothering to tell their constituents. The article mentions two republican senators. Further information says more, including Nancy Pelosi. There's one rule for us and another rule for them. IMPEACH!

I have to admit I was wrong about something (don't tell my wife). When Trump was elected, I said the busiest people in DC would be the Secret Service. In fact, the busiest people in DC are Biden's handlers.

Half of the republicans are against the stimulus unless it goes well. at which point they'll take credit for it and stand proudly behind Trump. The other half are registering democrat. And the only guy who makes any sense is the guy with the boot on his head (Vermin Supreme).

Many fees and government restrictions are being lifted.

We're getting more libertarian by the day!

Amazon is doing so well, it's hiring 100,000 warehouse employees in the US. As if it isn't already happening, Bezos is wiping his butt with $10,000 bills. He used to used two, but his wife got half in the divorce.

Uber is shutting down its Uber pool, where Uber users ride-share.
The company is doing its best to "flatten the curve" of the virus.
Instead, you can ride with a patient on the way to the hospital.

We are going to find out about all sorts of technology in the weeks to come.
For instance, a Texas company has a remote camera that senses a high temperature in people walking by. I wonder if they're going to alert SWAT. This would be a bad thing, especially if you're walking your dog. SWAT and the police kill more dogs than COVID kills people.

The US government and tech industry are discussing ways to use smartphone location data (from Faceyspaces, Google, and others) to 'combat' coronavirus. NO. Ok? NO. It's bad enough there is any location data. This serves no purpose and won't go away after coronavirus does.

Bernie said he is going to re-evaluate his campaign. So he's out, leaving Biden.
Biden said he'll have a female vice-president. I suggest Nancy Pelosi - they can run on the Senility ticket. But seriously folks... this is the best they could come up with? Do you seriously want this man as president? Online wags suggest Biden just gave the presidency to Trump.


Today I identify as   toilet paper - I want to feel loved just once.



Dear lefty

• What are you listening to these days?
• The good news: listening to my neighbors have sex
• The bad news: they're in their 90s.

I am torn.
We are advised to stay in, but Guitar Center sent me a 20% off coupon. I'll brave the virus. Ladies - would you do this for 20% off shoes? We know the answer - you would risk the Black Plague for a shoe sale.



SJW STILL!

Coronavirus declared transphobic as surgeries delayed. Life saving surgeries.
It's great to see one organization blazing on with its mission in spite of health considerations.

Captivity - Day 8

The SPCA could use your help. Get in touch with your local shelter to see what they need. Blankets, food, help, money, adoption....


I couldn't sleep and looked at the clock, figuring 7am.
Up at the crack of 11:30, I was pleasantly surprised I had beaten noon.
7 is close to 11:30, right?

This wasn't helped by opening the curtains. It was gray. Even more gray than normal. It was obviously raining; a gray rain. There was no trace of sunshine anywhere. Even the animals were silent. Just like every other day (in the tropical rainforest of PA). I think I just complain about the rain for exercise....

Last night, I was so out of my mind, I walked.
No, really. Mrs lefty and I took Penny for a walk. It was a strange feeling. Fortunately I didn't have to call an ambulance. Remember: exercise causes cancer.

Penny, at roughly 6, hasn't gotten the hang of Collar yet. She will yank against it until she literally chokes herself. We stop for a moment, then she takes off and strangles herself again. I can't imagine this being fun (at least for dogs). There were cars, moving, on the roads. The best pizza in the universe was still available (just not in the restaurant) and we even saw some kids walking. We gave up trying to explain social distancing to Penny; she thinks everybody should come to her. Except priests - she has growled at a number of them. Perhaps they don't know dogs are atheists. Mrs lefty has a bigger problem when we're walking Penny and I growl at the priests.

Idiot Governor still insists on being in office, in spite of my protests and suggestions for a different method of impeachment:

Trebuchet

Mrs lefty is desperate to get out of the house. Let's face it - you would too if you had to live with me. I tried to explain that Stay Home meant only go out for food or gas (or pizza); not to pick up your mother and go shoe shopping. Idiot governor has not put shoe stores on the essential to life list. Wife says this is purely a sexist move: if idiot governor were a woman, this wouldn't be a problem.  This won't go well, but I'm not going to be the one to tell her.


What's on tv?
Vincent Price movies.
He was actually a pretty funny guy, when he wasn't sawing people in half.

Captivity - Day 7

In true American spirit, the US has bested China in the number of Flying AIDS cases, with more than 82,000 reported. NOBODY surpasses the US.

• It's only a matter of time til people start taking selfies with the victims of the Flying AIDS.

After all the guessing on the origin of The Flying AIDS, I think I nailed it: reading  BBC news, they were talking about social distancing of 2 meters. Everybody knows it's 6 FEET. This is a conspiracy on the part of Europe to force America to use their silly system of Grahams, metres, theatres, flavours, and Louvres. Guys - it failed miserably last time - don't bother trying again. You know damn well that your cars drive in miles per hour, not litres per kilograham. Limeys.

• People are homeschooling - I think that's great. More people should. It keeps failing here because I can't get the dog to stop licking my face or social distance.

It's Friday - time to contemplate all the neat things you'll do with the entire family, trapped in your home, for an entire weekend. Makes you want to go back to work, doesn't it?

• Speaking of work, 2 tested positive. I was out of the blast radius. I hope they're well.

A creature of habit, I charge my phone in the morning, in case I need it later, when I go out.     Oh.

The Loud Family lived across the street. Every member of the family was loud. The dog was loud. Even the termites were loud. One day the Loud Family moved out, loudly.  Ah, the quiet we looked forward to... noise. The next family certainly looked quiet. The children were quiet! The wife was quiet. The husband, on the other hand, made enough noise for several construction companies and a demolition outfit or two. We finally figured out he was redoing the house. But the electric tools went on day and night, When he was done remodeling, it turns out he started on the next renovation. There were certain walls with 27 levels of plywood. Whenever we wanted to nap, there was a switch between our pillow and table saw. Now that the Flying AIDS has taken over, it's been eerily quiet. So quiet you could hear paper drop in the street. I needed a little more noise. Eager to please, the guy across the street, through with his mower, started up the table saw. I think he was cutting the top off a car to make it a convertible. We heard noise all night too, but it was muted. Turns out he had to run a circular saw in the bedroom or he couldn't sleep.

Pennsylvania GOVERNOR WOLF, another incompetent, big government politician - just issued a stay at home order. Throw him out, legally and immediately. It would be nice if he could do one positive thing during his 2 terms. Why do we keep electing and re-electing these people? Will I be arrested for walking the dog? The dog will send him a 'present.'  Guess I should wait a bit before I call his office to tell them how I feel about his order....

Captivity - Day 6

Still imprisoned.
Our semi-friendly guard has slightly unzipped his hazmat suit, having been here 2 weeks, figuring we're clean. Maybe tomorrow he'll take the coffee we keep offering him. The Pop Tarts are fresh too. We're still the only house on the block with a guard.

We're catching up on our bad 70s shows (that we never watched originally).
And the old game shows, where each contestant, host, and celebrity guest is dead (except Betty White, of course). Anything but TMZ and that furry show at the top of the ratings.

• We are deeply saddened by the mask and rubber glove shortage. We donated all our rubber gloves to the hospital, and now we can't have sex.
• It's also a great time to work on household projects. Or, in my case, to keep on ignoring household projects.

Wife said there are 3 kinds of people: hoarders, pack-rats, and normal people.
She is a pack-rat and she said I'm a hoarder. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, but I dare not doubt her or ask for an explanation.

None of us are hoarders. How do I know?
We applied to go on that Hoarders show, but were rejected when they found out they could walk around freely, with no piles of newspapers over 2 feet. Also, our psychiatric diagnoses weren't spectacular enough... neither of us would even cry.

So I set out to document the difference between pack-rat and hoarder.
Both of us have the faceplate screw from a 1950 Hammarland tube shortwave receiver. These are valuable. If I understand correctly, the pack-rat doesn't remember what it's for and throws it out. The hoarder holds onto it, just in case a 1950 Hammarlund tube shortwave wanders into his house. It would have to wander, because it weighs around 60 pounds. Or maybe he can give it to somebody who needs it.

The pack-rat has half a house worth of Stuff, cleverly located in the middle of everything, in every room, mostly shoes. It required a board meeting with at least 2/3 present, to decide what's going. The hoarder has half a house worth of Stuff, but has it cleverly located where it's much harder to see. And nothing's going. Wait! We are hearing from the hoarder.. as a concession, he will throw out the remote control for a 1983 Radio Shack answering machine. He will not throw out the machine itself, in case he needs it somewhere down the road. Hang on... he has another magnanimous gesture: he will add the pushbutton phone with no # or * keys, even though it will be a collectors item (about 25 years after he's dead).

When there's a project, the pack-rat cannot find anything purchased specifically for any project and goes to the store for more of them. The hoarder goes to his collection of parts and finds everything he needs to build an electronic doodad (Shop At lefty's!).

The pack-rat buys slightly older Barbies because they will be worth something.
The hoarder bought a $50 guitar toy. Because a famous person was associated with it, it will be worth $500 or more, when he sells it.

The pack-rat put a Barbie steering wheel cover on her head, as a hair band. She realized she did it when the neighbors just shook their heads: this wasn't the first time. The hoarder is never bothered by neighbors because federal agencies routinely knock on their doors and ask questions about him.

See where I'm going here?
Neither do I.

• Dunkin Donuts is still closed, despite a corporate statement they were open. Mrs lefty is going through detox. I want a damn frozen hot chocolate. We're simple people.

We have to be very careful with Penny. Dogs have gotten the Flying AIDS, so we need to make sure she doesn't. It's incredibly difficult to practice social distancing with a delightful fuzzy dog, who licks your face and sleeps between you two in bed.

• It's funny and odd what captivity will do to people. The poor parents are now stuck with their kids, husbands and wives are stuck with each other, and boyfriends/girlfriends have decided to shelter separately. Divorce lawyers will make out wonderfully, if they're ever allowed to leave the house.
• We don't have problems here. We're married AND actually like each other.
• The only change is that Mrs lefty has turned into a raving nymphomaniac.
• I had to get up early this morning, so that's all I remember of my dream.

New Jersey has a lot more cases of Flying AIDS than Pennsylvania.
I think it's a good idea to close the bridges so the Jersey-ites don't get into Philly. Of course I think this is a good idea 365 days a year. You don't have to pay a toll to get from Philly to Jersey but you do to get from Jersey to Philly. They knew people would pay handsomely to get out of New Jersey.

We're Going to Need Something Else to PANIC About

Making the worst of a horrible situation

Talking to friends, I realized what kind of shape we're in: financially, without hope, and looking for some tiny bit of... something... to make life tolerable.
In a nod to positivity, we've said the following:

• The car overheated. It only cost $250 to fix!!!
• The dog got sick. The vet bill was only $375 WITH blood work!
• I opened the curtain and there was only 95% cloud coverage. There was even a tiny spot on the sidewalk that looked like it might start drying...
• I put my frozen dinner in the microwave. Yes, it came out black, but I finally figured out how to set the power level!
• Only 4 of my friends died of coronavirus!
• My retirement account only lost 25% during the Great Coronavirus Panic of 2020!
• the dog only got half of the thanksgiving turkey!

It's kinda sad when this is what we're excited about.

Although it does speak to the resilience of the human spirit...

Please comment with yours.

• Things that are certain in life: death, taxes, and rain on the night the trash has to go out and/or when the bins have to come back. I kid you not.

We continue with news of The Great Coronavirus PANIC of 2020
Today's report is brought to you by Mrs lefty, woman on the street:
It's really dead out there.
Thank you, Mrs lefty.

A brief call to several local businesses had entire malls closed and entire malls open. Restaurants were open, but I wasn't allowed to go outside to visit them. Every website had the same disclaimer:

UPDATE ON COVID-19

We apologize for coronavirus and for being a business and for being open, because our families have to eat too. We want you to know we have taken every precaution to keep our customers and employees safe. If an employee feels sick or has vomited up his intestines, he can get a note from his doctor and miss work that day. He won't be paid, though.

We have engaged the services of the best cleaners in the entire state. They show up in a nuclear green pretty serious-looking truck. They all wear hazmat suits and carry bottles that have 'Coronavirus Eradicator' written on them, in crayon.

I'm not kidding... they all say something to this effect. Ok, they don't say nuclear green - that was.... what's that thing called? Poetic license.

Wait, we have a bulletin from Mrs lefty:
Mrs lefty, I understand you were out checking on your mother in law today.
Yes, lefty, I was.
And how was she.
Well, lefty, she was in a panic.
Why is that?
She didn't have any bottled water.
A quick check on her yesterday revealed 6 one gallon jugs of water under the sink.
Exactly, lefty, but that's not enough for her. She drinks water, you know.
6 gallons?
No, but she wants to have it there just in case.
Good thing she doesn't need any toilet paper.
Heh heh heh, lefty. Back to you in the studio...



All of the past and current democratic primary candidates released a statement, blaming President Trump for the virus.

They were going to blame Hillary Clinton, but changed their plans when they started to disappear, one at a time. The coroner reported that they all committed suicide while handcuffed, shooting themselves twice in the back of the head, then hiding the gun.

• Know who's suffering the worst from The Virus?
• Hypochondriacs - the people who always think they're sick. They're feeling left out (and sick, of course) and are jamming emergency rooms across the country.
• The National Guard has been mobilized, and have been authorized to shoot these people

Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-Uranus) is pleading with the president to mobilize the military to fight coronavirus. Do you want to explain it to him or should I?

In an attempt to stop a Hawaiian lava flow, the army bombed it in 1935.
WTF is wrong with us? We also bombed the Moon. There are other options... we don't have to bomb everything we see.

• Everybody could use a little more cash. Since I don't make anything from blogging, I do what I can. I stand out on a corner, selling toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Mrs lefty ho's me out and calls me 'her main bitch,' whatever that means. She said if I do over $5,500, I get my own corner. If I do under $5,500, I take a beatin'.

A spokesman for Hollywood said that they are losing $20 billion, more or less, each weekend. As a result, Meryl Streep, Robert DeNiro, and Rob Reiner have released a statement, blaming Trump personally for the virus.



Things are pretty good at the lefty mansion.
Mrs lefty lets me out every 6-8 weeks (whether I want to or not).
But now that she's keeping me indoors because of the Flying AIDS, I suddenly want to go out. Why is that?  Maybe if I get her to tell me we're going out, I will calm down and go back to sleep in the basement.

• What do you have when you find an open pie container, with most of the pie hollowed out but not the crust, and a spoon in the middle?
• Kids

Israel takes step toward monitoring phones of virus patients.
Monitoring? We call that spying when the CIA/FBI/NSA does it.
Now is the time to watch carefully. See what goes on with restrictions and official reactions. Don't let it bog you down - just notice it.
Israel has some technology - they also use it to spy on us.

In his address, Netanyahu acknowledged the technology had never been used on civilians. But he said the unprecedented health threat posed by the virus justified its use. 

In the US, this would be largely the same, except it would be 'for the children.'




Today I identify as  Dolly Parton



List of Free Software and Services During Coronavirus Outbreak

• Creepiest headline: What is a smart diaper and how does it work

In case you slipped and clicked the MS Edge browser icon...it's also sending serious data back to MS. Win 10 wasn't enough...

• Apple bans COVID-19 games.
• what an odd little company

Next time you complain about your period, remember MRKH Syndrome: the girl that was born without a vagina. Not kidding and not giggling.

• Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed
• Haven't we had enough of this? It's the same cause every time..

If you've got a few million to burn, check out McClaren's ELVA - it has no windshield.   For that price, it should sexually gratify you too.

• Now that we're all working from home, let me give you my first tip
• turn off... ummmm... anything you might be watching... when the boss calls.

Please use birth control - you don't want your kids to be known as coronavirus babies

Captivity - Day 5

2 males, in PA and NJ, have been arrested for purposely coughing on people and telling them they had coronavirus. The people were 57 and 50, which is a little shocking. I love a good joke, but that's not one of them.



Equifax still sucks eggs.
Irony: it's impossible for customers to access information, but hackers have an open door.


Our friends in DC have approved a $2 billion aid package.
Who's going to pay for this?
Is it taxable?
What kind of pork is in the bill?
I'm not saying it isn't a great offer, just wondering...
I am going to refuse my check (stop laughing). Every time I get a few spare dollars for the Guitar Fund, something comes along and eats it. I figure if I don't get any money, nothing bad will happen.


Trump has stated that he was thinking Easter for a return to work.
Idiot Mayor said he would rely on his experts, not the president. This is the sanctuary city mayor. He bends over for anything except the law. i strongly believe Trump will not make the decision unilaterally (and I didn't vote for him).


The trip to work was smooth - no dog toys on the steps.
Work was a little weird because it was full of meetings. Surprisingly, we actually get things done in meetings, but it's difficult when there are so many of them. It's also difficult to keep my mouth shut. Extremely difficult. Sometimes it builds up and I get a few words in. My boss understands and gives me a gold star for trying.  Because our team leader is out for a bit, people have started asking me questions. This is not a good thing, for them or for me. If you sound authoritive and certain, people will believe you, so I used that for a while. Although this helped, people will only call me next time, because I sounded so sure last time. I'm shooting myself in the foot, yet again. Both feet look like Swiss cheese.

But I'd never work anywhere else.



I leave you this evening with one question:
Why is my wife watching The Flintstones?

Captivity - Day 4

To the best of my knowledge, no additional restrictions have been put on our liberties, except that the state Supreme Court ruled that gun shops are not "life-sustaining". I wonder who defends the Supreme Court and do they have to show up without guns. 2nd Amendment, folks.

Penny remains positive, especially when it involves belly rubs.

Working from home continues to have a bright sheen on it. I want to do this permanently, or at least til Mrs lefty gets home from visiting family. There was no traffic this morning, owing to us putting Penny's toys away last night. The only pain it causes is when we have remote conferences: I have to keep my mouth shut. It hurts. My boss is a gentleman, who advised his entire team to act professionally. Mind you, he said ACT - not BE. Do you know how difficult it is not to tell my boss' boss that he's wrong? Most conferences, I have Mrs lefty tie my hands behind my chair. Then leave them there for later.

Certain rules are mandatory at home: the most important being the MUTE BUTTON. You have no idea how much can leak from your home office when you forget to use the MUTE BUTTON. I went absolutely ballistic on a worthless Microsoft program and found out everyone was treated to my little love poem to Microsoft. Hundreds. Many of these stupid conferencing programs don't bother to remember your preferences, so always check first. That mute button - does that mean it's already muted or do I press it to mute. What were these people smoking when they designed this?

Then 4 hours of begging the wife to turn off TMZ.

NATIONAL EMERGENCY:

Dunkin Donuts is closed. Two in the area.

Dunkin should qualify as mission-critical.

This is terrible... these folks are hourly and they have no income. There's nothing wrong with coffee. Idiot Governor strikes again. Government is not going to help us. 

The convenience store was open, practicing social distancing, with the floors marked in 6' squares. Fair enough. Only they had to make your coffee. Asking for extra cream and 12 sugars must be embarrassing. Asking for good coffee was even more difficult. Fortunately they still had the strawberry icee drinks with whipped cream.  Penny was all over the whipped cream. Not so much the strawberry.

As if it's not bad enough we're getting played by our own government, I got played by my own wife.  "Can you help me put some twigs in bags?" Sure - I don't want you bending down and hurting yourself. [Mistake #1]

Use these bags.

Aren't they large? [Mistake #2]

Yes, everything's in piles.

There sure are a lot of piles here.

I'm trimming some bushes.

The bushes are dead. [Mistake #3] Didn't you say you needed help picking up some twigs? There is a small truckload of twigs here.

But I got you a lot of bags. [HER Mistake #1]

Don't I have to do the dishes?

Yes, but this first [HER Mistake #2]

Don't we have some indoor priorities?

Outdoors is every bit as important.

Gee, it looks like you're in pain - maybe you should stop now.

Hey, that was the neighbor. She said it was weird to see you gardening, not to mention outside. [HER last mistake]

* please remember: anybody with 2 live brain cells is going to remain home and work from home. Observe social distancing, just in case.  What we don't need is some overbloated, money-stealing organization making it law and drafting the state police to enforce it. The government cannot organize a sock drawer, no less a pandemic.

Captivity - Day 3

Covid-19: the biology of an effective therapy.
A vaccine may not arrive for at least a year, so what to do?
Tell your SO that sex has been shown to help prevent it, but only in sufficient quantity. What is sufficient quantity? Whatever you say it is.

The day started out like any other, except for the major virus and working from home. I have to admit my coffee is light years better than in the office. We have a Keurig machine at work, but it's a fact that the closer to Philly water you are, the worse the water tastes. By the time it hits our house, it has had a chance to mellow, by eating the pipes on its way.

Working at home is pretty cool - I don't know why I didn't start earlier.
Oh yeah - my boss told me no.
I told him we all needed to be using linux.
He was amused.
Now it's ok to use linux to work from home.
HA!
Vindicated, once again.
Let's face it - when Windows machines connect to the network, they're likely to be full of viruses anyway (97%, according to an article last week).


The dog is over the moon because I'm home.
Mrs lefty, not so much.
She's one of those Loud Talkers on the phone, so she's banished to the back yard every time the phone rings.
This has the effect of rolling downhill: whenever Wife goes out back, Dog comes into the office and stares pitifully at me. I have been reduced to a doggie door opener.



Idiot Governor Wolf considering shelter-in-place order.
Idiot Governor Wolf considering opening alcohol stores (it's state run in PA).
Idiot Governor Wolf wants all non-essential businesses closed at 8am this morning.
Idiot Governor Wolf's subjects ask where to send their bills if forced to close.
Idiot Governor Wolf calling on state police to enforce business closures.
Idiot Governor Wolf needs to find out the meaning of trebuchet.
Idiot Mayor Kenney has declared no non-essential people work in Philadephia. I'll bet he's forcing the $250/night hotels to house his illegal aliens.



A Portland strip club was forced to close, so the employees started delivering food. Perfect example of adjusting to the times. It still doesn't explain why burgers are $50....


There is some sad news for guitar players: Seymour Duncan has to stop work on their famous pickups for the time being, but they are available to answer questions.




We used to call it WFH: Working From Home.
Let's be safe out there... let me provide a few tips, which the very intelligent people who read ThermionicEmissions don't need...

1. Update your operating system
2. Virus scan your operating system
3. Back up your important files, just in case
4. For the maximum protection, plug right into your router - no wireless
5. If you are using wireless, make sure your wireless system is set to use WPA2 - anything else is NO GOOD. You're flying a red flag that says "HACK ME!" Turn off the feature that auto-joins pc's to your router (WPS?).
6. If possible, use one computer only for work. Keep it clean, although you should keep all computers clean.
7. It's a royal PITA, but use a computer's firewall. Windows has one, as does linux.
8. See #1 and #2
9. Once a week or so, clean the PC. Bleach Bit is a great program, but pay attention to the settings or your computer will 'forget' things.
10. Mac and linux have LittleSnitch, which is sort of a firewall. Use it.
11. Remember to take care of yourself too.
12. Nobody pays attention to this, but you're at your computer desk for 8 house a day. Go ergonomic: set your chair so your elbows are at a 90 degree angle. Do not bend your wrists up to get to the keyboard: this will result in pain and possibly repetitive stress injury. Check out an ergonomic keyboard - I love them. Get a comfortable mouse - some are wireless. Take frequent breaks (you can set a timer to schedule them).
13. Remember: if you have sex with your SO, it counts as having sex at work
14. if you have any questions, please ask. I've been doing this for a while.
15. Don't open email. Any email. Especially if it's corona-themed. If it's from a friend, ask them if they sent it before opening it. The subhumans are taking advantage of the virus to spread malware.
16. You'll be much safer with Mac or linux (had to)

These tips are good in general. Don't wait for a human or computer virus to pop up before observing good computer hygiene.

You've Got Your Pandemic on my Rhinocerous

Catholic priests are so upset about COVID-19....

HOW UPSET ARE THEY?

They're so upset, they're demanding clean COVID-19 tests from little boys before molesting them.

[you know you'll be telling that one at work tomorrow]



Cell Phone Stupidity

Verizon is offering a phone plan that contains a Yahoo Mail account.
Next they will offer a plan that includes an AOL account and a bag phone.

Comcast mistakenly published names, phone numbers, and addresses of nearly 200,000 customers who paid monthly fees to make their numbers unlisted.
Customers paid $3.50 to $5.50 monthly for this service. Comcast will not be satisfied until they have sucked every cent possible out of you. Then they'll find a way to get more.  This is a perfect example of a duopoly: Philly allowed only 2 cable companies to operate: Verizon and Comcast. More competition would drive prices to more reasonable levels.

• Are female urinals the answer to queues at the loos?
• What a tremendous idea... women's bladders are smaller than men's, so the lines are always longer.
• FEMALE URINALS? WTF?

Alex Jones ordered to stop selling fake coronavirus cures, by New York attorney general. Apparently generating coronavirus PANIC is ok, though. New York desperately wants to be the new California, and is working very diligently toward it. Like him or not, leave Alex alone. It truly is the responsibility of the buyer, not government. The AG referred to Jones' 'latest mistruths'.  I wonder if it's ok to sue an Attorney General for this. It's defamation, but apparently there are no statutes against that.  If nothing else, Alex is quite (inadvertently) funny. No one else would bullhorn the Bilderberg meetings.


Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed

To their credit, eBay and Amazon are not involved; instead it was a third party. So you're still exposed. What can you do?

• The White House told federal health agency to classify coronavirus deliberations
• Just cut it the f- out. There's always need for secrecy, but we're beyond out of hand now. We pay YOU, yet you decide what we can and can't see? Government for and by the people, not leading the country, doing what you feel like.
• If we had a real pandemic, these 'public servants' would classify that too. The people have no 'need to know.'

AT&T CEO pay rose to $32 million in 2019 while he cut 20,000 jobs

To be clear, I have no trouble with corporate salaries. I am not a socialist and don't believe these people are obligated to share their wealth. What bothers me is that he did it on the backs of those 20,000 ex-employees (most likely among other things). This is a personal opinion, and out of step with the libertarian position that it's a private company and can do what it wants. I'm am not a hypocrite: I just hold 2 differing opinions at the same time.  There was also a hedge fund involved here somewhere; it was over who was going to maintain the hedges outside the corporate offices.

• One of the reasons I like Firefox is the addons. My latest is Mouse Gesture Events. You'd be surprised (maybe you wouldn't) what you can do with just a mouse gesture.  Forward, backward, shut current page and go backward, all sorts of stuff. It's in the normal addons spot.
• Another is ColorfulTabs. The default Firefox has tabs that are all the same color. This auto-colors them so the one on top is easy to find. You can also make it use colors you prefer.
• If you're running Firefox under linux and want to use the Backspace key to go back a page, open about:config, search for browser.backspace_action, change the 2 to zero. Done. Test to make sure.

One newspaper asked if the 2020 elections could be postponed because of the virus.  No, the country would never get that lucky.

An article in the Guardian says that the virus is creating hell on OCD patients who are compulsive hand-washers. Part of the treatment is not washing their hands.  Up until recently, those antibacterial dispensers weren't for viruses: they were OCD tests.

• Everyone's favorite dictator and Wild and Crazy Guy, Vladimir Putin, signed a boatload of amendments to the Constitution (not specified whose), allowing him to run for Dictator once more. The amendment after that one had him winning the election.
• Not to be ignored, the Bernie Bros have stated that they'd rather hand Trump the presidency than vote for Biden. When the NY Post published this, they used the word 'exodus.' I thought they meant the socialists were leaving the country. Oh well.....

Everybody's favorite perv uncle, Joe Biden, forgot the year and wandered out of frame during a livestream. This man is presidential material. THIS is the Joe Biden we wanted to see while he was Vice President. It has been speculated that President Obama told the Secret Service to tie Uncle Joe to a chair for 8 years. Unless they find him with a 5 year old in a hotel, where pictures and video are already on the internet, this is the presumptive democratic nominee for president.

• Being stubborn, rigid may lower your risk of Alzheimer's.
• Hello... this is my wild card! Not only won't I get Alzheimer's, neither will my entire family. I have enough stubborn for the East Coast of the US.

EASTER

Happy Easter to those who celebrate (or care).
Although I'm not Catholic, I want you who are to enjoy whatever it is that you do.

In truth, I am part of a large, non-Catholic denomination that celebrates Easter. We are commonly known as the Holy C (candy). The malted balls are a favorite here, as well as the Reese's white chocolate candy.  As with any group, we had to split into 2: the people who dive right in, and the people who wait a day, til the candy goes on sale. Having been both, sometimes on the same day, I belong to the Sale Group. If I find myself at an Easter celebration and there's candy, I will switch over to the Dive Right In group for the day. I know, I know, religious hypocrisy. But let's face it: I'd have to want to leave the house and go to an Easter celebration for that to happen.

Since I'm not Catholic, my view of Easter is largely candy, complicated by reality. It's never fun when reality creeps into the picture. So I'm going to explain Easter to my fellow non-Catholic readers (so you'll only sound like a partial doofus at gatherings).  Warning: if you are an easily-offended Catholic, you want to stop reading right now. Solution: if you are easily-offended, you wouldn't be reading this blog, so....


Easter: Jesus comes out of his cave and looks around. If he goes back in, with a sad look on his face, we get another 6 weeks of gloomy weather (this happens regardless of Jesus where I live). If he goes jogging, it will be a good year for the crops (and thusly, Monsanto).  The final option, Jesus doing miracles, has been hoped for over 2,000 years. He will heal the sick (putting doctors and insurance companies out of work, so their lobbies got this option taken off the sheet). He will cure ailing cars (putting mechanics out of work, so they, too, got this removed from the list). Lastly, he will create peace the world over. This option proved the most difficult. This would force the Military Industrial Complex to starve, ruining entire economies, and giving millions nowhere to fight, causing worldwide starving. Jesus had no way of knowing that Peace = Starvation. Also put out were the politicians, who pretended to care about peace, and the one actually working for it. Lastly, President Trump was all set, in his third term, to create peace in the middle east, so he's Very Mad at Jesus. His only remaining satisfaction is that he's still richer than Jesus. They will go on to be great friends - the best of friends. Can I have a hand for Jesus? Jesus will be white-listed at all the presidents' golf clubs, resorts, and hotels (although I'd stay away from New York for a few years).

Stations of the Cross: this is where you guess how many gas stations will be open on Easter Sunday. This is a very complex religious game, because many stations have not set their hours yet. Exceptions: any gas station that produces its own food, like Fried Quickie Chicken. Any station run by a Sikh, and anything with an expiration date. The stations are north, south, east, and Bob.

Palm Sunday: This is where the devoted, the semi-devoted, and the people who are dragged into it by relatives, for some reason, beat each other about the head and shoulders with palms. At this point, they realized that this palm thing isn't all that bad, right?  This is also the time when the non-Catholics start to pay attention and think maybe these Catholics have a point. However, they want to modify Palm Sunday so the celebration is done at individual homes, sometimes with only 2 people, sometimes with up to 25.  Sssshhhhhhh  - the safe word is BUNNIES.

Ash Wednesday: People go to church, whereupon a person in a very silly white getup puts ashes on their forehead. The first time I saw this, I was aghast... how could people walk around with dirty foreheads for an entire day? My friends, bless them, took me aside and explained it to me. Then I became privately aghast. I have it on good authority that children sometimes celebrated this holiday in their own individual tradition: they smoked a cigarette, while writing their excuse notes for school, and put the ashes on their foreheads. This only worked once, because Catholic mothers know the difference between cigarette ashes and Proper ashes. Even modern science can't tell the difference, but MOM can. They just never asked her. Oddly enough, Jewish mothers can also tell, but nobody asked them either. The Jews think Jesus was ahead of his time: he worked at the first ever Car Wash. This gave him a lot of spare time to do miracles and stuff.

Jesus: I was really far out of the loop on Jesus, so it took quite a while to figure out this whole Father, Son, and Holy Ghost thing. You can't be 3 people.... unless.... Jesus with the first with multiple personalities! Just wait til the church starts fighting with psychology! The church will say there's no such thing as multiple personalities. Psychology will say there's no such thing as Jesus. It will be funny to watch for the first few hundred years; after that, it will get tedious.


Good Friday: The Catholics, overnight, in a quiet raid, borrowed a worldwide tradition. After an entire week of working, we celebrate by getting drunk, having sloppy sex, hugging telephone poles, eating things that don't go well with alcohol, and drinking alcohol that doesn't go well with other alcohol. Everybody looks forward to Friday. When the Catholics 'appropriated' it, they gave official standing to Friday Activities. The only thing they changed was during sloppy sex, you cannot use a condom, and you have to have sloppy sex strictly for having a baby.  Good Friday happens 52 times a year, but officially it only happens once. If you forget and use a condom in your drunken state, you must enter the Holy Closet and whip out a few bills for the poor and the PAL (Priests Alcohol Locker).  You are forgiven, and free to go out and do it again next Friday.


Super Saturday: This is a brand new (under 1,547 years) tradition that means nothing. Saturday just felt lonely, between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, thus was given its own holiday. We all have the person in the family who thinks he deserves his own holiday.... no one invites him to family parties, yet he shows up anyway.


Easter Sunday: on this day, most of the stores are closed. This is the way you can tell Catholics are serious about this holiday. Skipping ahead a few months, this is why the Jews eat Chinese food on their holidays. The Catholics have no choice but to eat at delicatessens, where they think corned beef is some dark shade of red, not brown, as Jesus decreed.


Easter Monday: when the candy sales start. Also typically when employers give their employees the day off, in celebration of Jesus the candy sales.

• According to a Vatican exorcist, one exorcism he presided over had the person levitate and stay on the ceiling for 6 hours.
• YOU - You get down off the ceiling and get exorcised, you demon from hell. This is precisely what my mother used to say to me.

Today I identify as   a missing COVID-19 test kit, going for $1950 on Ebay


Heroes of the Stupid

Utah may make it illegal for cops to masturbate in their cars.
Is there a need for this law? what about at home?



SJW Saltiness


Bulletin: It's racist to shut down travel from places that are heavily diseased.
It's racist to identify where the disease came from.


Furry hate is always just a cover for queerphobia
not when the #1 show in the nation features furries...


Tammy Bruce: Dem erasure of Tulsi Gabbard is the ultimate misogyny
Damn - I thought having a penis was the ultimate misogyny

Captivity - Day Two

TV is getting interesting. Rather, the commercials are getting interesting. I'll bet you never thought that would happen. Food delivery has expanded and become less expensive. A large hoagie chain offers buy one/get one. A large pizza chain has deals (although they shouldn't be allowed to call that stuff pizza). I feel sorry for the people and businesses who are hurt.

Financial institutions are offering emergency loans. Guitar companies are happy to ship anything you want, and get it on sale. Eastwood is having a sale on lefty guitars only.

Amazon is hiring another 100,000 employees to deal with the expanding volume of orders. Amazon employees are very unhappy because it's business as usual, with no precautions. Perhaps the additional 100,000 are replacements (sshhhhhh). Comcast offers basic service at a basic price for a while. If you're a customer, you're welcome to keep your service at the bargain rate of $265 per month, if you have tv, and $100 if you only have internet.

I can't find breakfast foods, like Raisin Bran. I may have to make some angry calls. If you want yogurt, you had better be mad for raspberry lime, because even starving people won't eat raspberry lime. Don't worry - it's available in great quantities. Until I locate Raisin Bran, I have no choice but to eat my weight in chocolate chip muffins. Fair is far.

==================================

But seriously.

No.

Screw you, Governor, you haven't interrupted my routine. I even got up early for a Sunday, around 11.  And then again at 3. You know you're doing well when your first nap of the day doesn't occur for hours after you get up.

We were getting all sorts of bored, so a grocery trip was planned. It's pretty sad when you're excited about grocery shopping. All I saw was signs talking about social distancing. They recommend 6'. I had a tremendous idea: I'd dress like an antenna, with each of the radials being 6' long, in each direction. Wife would have been impressed, had she been listening. She says it's hearing loss, which is certainly a creative excuse. But 6' is a tremendous idea normally, although I prefer 50' in all directions. Someone told me my way of life has finally been vindicated.

I thought now would be a great time to own a t-shirt company. COVID Collector, COVID Donator, Back Off, Leave me alone - I might have it. You know, the typical antisocial stuff. I don't know why, but I'm often told my 'great ideas' are not appropriate for my age. I'll be making fart jokes as they plant me.

A huge imitation burger chain now offers hands-free drive through. A very popular electronics store with a yellow sign also offers hands-free driveup.

Off to the grocery store, I'm impressed with the amount of food and lack of shoppers. Announcements about social distancing play and there are signs stating that certain items are restricted. It looked good, it felt good, and it was good, right up til we hit the 2nd aisle. It weird to see full shelves with 10' gaps, where stuff used to be. Very little water and toilet paper was pure unobtainium. The bakery section was all there and fresh. Cereal was funny - chocolate covered chocolate bits were there aplenty. I wanted some decaf coffee for later in the day, lest the blog entries get even more frantic. Barely one box.

No bread, no peanut butter, and no soup, unless you like cream of cauliflower. Let's face it - these cans go back 25 years, to when the store opened. Even the rodents in the store won't eat cream of cauliflower. Literally no soup. No pasta, no sauce. Tons of salad dressing, but it would only be good on cream of cauliflower soup because romaine lettuce was ridiculously expensive. They weren't price gouging - apparently this is what lettuce costs. No iceberg lettuce. Most other fruits and veggies were well represented. No frozen pizzas (HORROR!) and only very expensive ice cream. Either they had lots or none.

We left and went in search of frozen hot chocolate at Dunkin Donuts. We heard that they were open, but takeout only. Annnnd they were closed. We hope it was just closed for the day. We'd miss our drinks, plus our friends there aren't in good shape to suffer closure. No one is.

Tomorrow I work, again from home. The traffic was murder on Friday. There was a backup due to dog toys on the steps. My coworkers are all concerned about working from home.... well, what I mean is their wives are all concerned about them working from home. Fighting Hours are from 7am to 11pm, plus they get agitated when their boyfriends can't come by during the day.

Still - throw the governor out.

Captivity - Day One

Idiot governor Tom Wolf declared closure as of last night, so Pennsylvania is locked down.

I got up early this morning, around 1pm, and surveyed the damage.
It was sunny, which only served to add to the confusion. This happened because idiot governor and state legislature ruled that it can only be sunny once a week at most. Mother Nature obeyed.

The guard posted at our door nodded good morning. I invited him in for coffee; he seemed about ready to come in, then he recoiled. For some reason, we're the only house on the block with a guard. He has a hazmat suit, so I figure he's one of idiot governor's boys. We make coffee a lot and leave the door open, so he can smell the rich aroma of French roast. If they're going to stand outside, we're going to play with them.

Mrs lefty had been on the phone. This is not actually different from normal. She talked to all our relatives, plus some other people's relatives.  She revealed the discussions to me, when I fell down the stairs at 1pm. Everybody was calm. Most knew there was something off with this. There is nothing sweeter than vindication.

If you're going to be held hostage in your house, the present is a decent time, strictly in the area of technology. You have the internet, phones, and video conference. Unless, of course, the other end of the video has an iDevice, then you're f'd. iDevices use Facetime, which no other device on the planet does, so you have to find another way to do things.  Hint: the encrypted text messenger called Signal has video too, and runs on all phones or computers.


Me? I'm still furious.
We are big boys and girls. We can make our own decisions. If we want to play at Corona Playground, there's no reason we shouldn't. We have had our movement restricted for no good reason, nor is there a good reason to restrict movement.

Stay with me a moment, please.
If you have a brain cell in your head, you're not going out close-dancing. You're going out for food, medicine, and hopefully to help others. There is no radical change - you use your best sense. We do not need to be restricted in movement. The government isn't going to rid us of anything but tax money. This is a perfect explanation of why we don't need Big Government. In fact, many Big Government roadblocks have been removed, so food and services can continue. Just like the libertarians said. You don't need all that crap to live your life. The roadblocks aren't helping anybody.

• most importantly: remain calm
• if absolutely necessarily, watch the news or check social media ONCE a day. More than that is toxic: it focuses you on Bad.
• help others, especially the elderly and sick - there have been all sorts of stories of neighborhoods getting together, maintaining help groups and keeping in touch by email.
• make Family Time. This ancient art existed before Faceyspaces. Play board games. Tell scary stories. Watch some absolutely hideous tv.  What manly men haven't played Barbies with their little girl? What manly men haven't played Barbies without their little girl? What manly men haven't played dress up like Barbie? Please don't respond to that question.

Mrs lefty stated that the captivity will have some consequences: family feud, divorces, alcoholics, and Corona Babies. Please use contraception unless you are already trying for a baby. I'm thinking about alcoholism, but my old boss suggested drugs. He said it took too long to get good at alcoholism. RIP, you big dummy.

I'm thinking of removing our car's muffler and painting FREE CORONAVIRUS on the sides of the car, so I can go cruising. If you're in the hood, stop by and see me. I'll be just in front of the police car with the flashing lights. You should probably wait the til police car goes away first. You don't want idiot governor to throw you in gulag without hazmat suit.

If You've Got a Virus Up There, I'm Not Scanning for It

Let's start with some good old "hey, that's cool!"
Arcimoto is testing its electric rapid responder with a fire department
It's a 3 wheel electric vehicle. The fire company is having fun with it.  I always wanted to be a fireman, but I discovered there aren't a lot of positions for firemen who can't stand heights or when it gets too hot. Other than that, I'd be #1 on the squad.

• Huawei expects a 20% drop in phone sales, thanks to lack of Google apps
• Hell - if the hardware didn't come from China, the lack of Google apps would be a plus for everyone!

Dear Russia:
We have read many stories of alleged interference with our elections.
We have noticed a serious uptick in the number of Russian readers, for which we are thankful. IF any of you have come here to affect the next election, whoever you're getting your intel from is smoking crack again. This blog couldn't influence anyone's choice for lunch, no less an election.

I'm kidding.
Thanks for coming by.





Because of MASS PANIC over CORONAVIRUS, ridiculous steps are being taken, such as working from home. We did some research on occupations not yet endorsing work-from-home....

• pilot
• sanitation engineer
• breast lump checker
• dog
• bra fitter
• Well Heeled Oral Retention Expert.
• bus driver
• mob enforcer

• There's a reason Morning and Monday start with the same letter....

Jesse Jackson now endorses Bernie. This should cause your decision to be made, for or against.  Bernie said he'd endorse Biden, should Biden win. Reached for comment, Biden said, "The percolater's on the roof and the cardboard needs refreshing." At his last appearance, it took just over 20 seconds to start an argument about guns.

Biden extends lead over Sanders

---> in a tiny nod toward sanity, old white socialist losing ground.
---> in a nod toward Politics as Usual, old white, somewhat forgetful former VP whose former boss won't even endorse him, gains lead.


Let's step back for a moment and look at what we have here:

• on the rep side we have a president who was voted in as a protest and is the literal example of divide and conquer, even before he took office
• on the dem side, the primary field was shockingly... weird, led by a socialist.  At this point it's coming down to the socialist and the former VP, a cranky old guy who is prone to misstatements, forgetting things, and has the people skills of Kim Jong be Illin, without all that nasty self-confidence
• I weep for my country
• meanwhile, the best man for the job wears a boot on his head (and won the MA libertarian primary)

DHS claims 2020 will be the 'most secure' election in US history
Where were you when the first piece of software was a total failure?
These people couldn't secure their pocket change.

Exclusive: Critical U.S. Election Systems Have Been Left Exposed Online Despite Official Denials

“If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”

~ General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.

BULLETIN: Menstrual cup misuse can cause pelvic organ prolapse

I have questions....
WHAT is a menstrual cup?
Can you drink coffee from it?
Do you wear it on your head?
Why does it look like the front half of a condom?
How do you know if you're misusing it?

WARNING: we hope the veracity of this article is not tainted by a country that sends people to the gynaecologist.

• 10 actors you forgot guest-starred on Deadwood
• hint: Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons

Today I identify as   a menstrual cup

• There are many kinds of fish, but 2% are mouthbreeders: they keep their fertilized eggs in their mouth
• ThermionicEmissions would never stoop to under-water blowjob jokes 

Each generation has its own cross to bear. The current one is "Life and struggle after YouTube fame".  As you giggle, remember this is called schadenfraude (joy in the misery of others).




CONTINUED CORONAVIRUS PANIC

People who can't spell their middle name have suddenly memorized COVID-19.

More BBC news: Health Minister Nadine Dorries tests positive for coronavirus.
Also: Iran's health minister tests positive for coronavirus
You can't make this stuff up....

US health insurers will cover costs of COVID-19 testing and treatment.

Coronavirus grows up: officially a pandemic!
PPPAAANNNNNIICCCC!

• One of the things my father will be remembered for was his love of Coast to Coast radio, with George Noory.  He called him Nardi. No one knows why.

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again, without noticing.
Some notice. Some insist on replicating the mistakes over and over again. As far as going to IHOP, I'm in the latter category. My mom likes it there and they're very consistent from restaurant to restaurant. Well, the food is rather consistent - the noise isn't.

Last time I asked for the No Screaming Children section and they sat me 3 feet away from a real screamer. This time there were about 4 tables full and an empty restaurant. We were roundly ignored til the cook took pity on us and found us a table.

Within minutes the table next to us broke out into bawling children.
Minutes later, the table on the other side went NUCLEAR, with the little gentleman screaming his fool head off at the top of his precious little lungs. His mother was practicing a new style of parenting... she simply ignored the Duke of Decibels and continued to give her order as if he weren't there screaming so loudly that the IHOP in the next town asked him to turn it down.

This gorgeous little man (I think - I can't tell by screams alone) continued to try outdoing the volume and ferocity of his previous outburst. Mom was quite consistent in her parenting: she consistently did not shut the child down. That took effort. And balls.

My mother, half deaf, kept jumping in her seat, as Bob Marley's Wailer exploded in shriekdom. At one point he was doing a story he wrote, with Spiderman and Batgirl in it, playing both parts simultaneously.

Four hours later, we noticed the side order of pancakes never appeared, so they brought it by, because they're nice that way.

As we can no longer stand the children and didn't bring hearing protection, we got ready to leave. At this point, the prime instigator kept leaping up, looking at my mother, then hiding. Much to our surprise, his mother's training program fell apart and she scolded him for jumping up. She did not say a word while Young Pavoratti serenaded several restaurants and blew out untold numbers of eardrums, but he could not be allowed to jump up in his seat.

My mother was aghast as we left. Her kids put her through hell, but only when they were teens. I hear stories that we were perfectly behaved when we went out. As you can tell, we got worse as we grew up. It's at times like these that I'm thankful for dogs. And maybe impotence.




Heroes of the Stupid

Florida seventh grader sends 41 to hospital when he mistakes pepper spray for body spray.

The World is My Oyster. I Don't Like Seafood.

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