Captivity - Day 41 Johnny-take that pen out of your nose

The main benefit of 41 is that it comes after 40, thus it's also divisible by 13.

After teaching all fish to social distance, Idiot Governor is now working on multi-dog houses. Somebody on his staff told him it's easy to speak dog, so he's out of the office again, spreading governorish advice.

If you're in the Philly area, only use cash or stop going to Primo Hoagies. They had a data breach that lasted 7 months. I'd like to take this time to urge your to try Lee's Hoagies. They're large and don't have any of those little seeds on them.

We'd characterize today's weather as brown, with some more brown later, followed by brown. There is s 10% chance the sun will make it through the clouds, but nobody's betting on it,  It's also a bit windy, in the same way airlines want a bit of a bailout. Ladies were chasing their pocketbooks through  parking lots, as men were chasing their hats. We need a 24x7 channel with this happening. The guy down the block who's building a complex underground, also traveled past our window, with a few of the safety elevators and a panic room or 2.



I don't fully understand this social distancing thing. I thought they meant while you were outside. Wife says that's wrong: it applies inside too. Somebody isn't telling me the truth.


Remember, during these odd times, not to run yourself over.




Dear lefty  

Q. I have a 90 year old neighbor who's a real sweatheart. My office windows open toward her house. When I'm viewing pr0n highly important work, can she see it?

A. Good God, man, she's 90. You'll be surprised to see what she's gotten up to at her age.  Try this: use the biggest monitor you have and put it in the window. If nothing happens, don't worry about it. If she's taken to the hospital, you might want to move the monitor. If you get a note in your mailbox, saying the production values were shit, you know you won't get a better neighbor.*




Did you know that if you hook 2 mice to a computer, they both work? Or at least they both flash.  (uh-oh, he's out of material and scraping the bottom)



* Let me try to say something nice, although it hurts:
This lady was Marshall's buddy. At least one of them had a lot of conversations. She would do gardening at the fence, and Marshall would lay next to her. She went to the next section and Marshall would move. He was almost her dog by proxy.

Her son sent us a card when Marshall passed and thanked us for 'taking care' of his mom.

Captivity - Day 40 Who are you supposed to be?

This is a very special day because 40 is divisible by 7.


So this morning thing... it's not working out quite the way I had hoped.


I suspect something (more) weird is happening at the lefty Mansion.
Ever since Idiot Governor slapped the locks on our front doors, Mrs lefty goes out twice as much as before. Not that we went out anyway, but since she was told to stay in, she can do nothing but go out. It's like a cigarette: she can go 9 hours without a cigarette. If you tell her she's not allowed to smoke, all hell breaks loose.


We don't get enough happy news, so I'll start here: Feds buy 100,000 more body bags, preparing for the worst. Everybody gets up in arms about this stuff. The Feds are doing their bit to shore up the economy and play a Fed Game called Guess Who's in the Body Bag.  I'll leave the rest to your imagination.


Kim Jong be-Illin is either in the hospital, doing well, dead, recovering, or playing a really long game of Monopoly. Maybe he doesn't want to leak that he's got the Flying AIDS.


We haven't heard from Idiot Governor lately, so we figured he was out where he couldn't do much harm. Naturally we were wrong. He was doing a tour all over the state, teaching the fish to socially isolate.


WTF is this fascination with Chicago? I was there once. It's windy - it didn't let me down in that respect. But the tv shows... Chicago PD, Chicago FD, Chicago Hospital. Coming next season: Chicago Bee Farmer, Chicago Walmart, Chicago Tampon Squad, Chicago Colonoscopy

Captivity - Day 38 The silence of jackhammers

Up early, it seems to be a combination of gray and brown, but moreso gray with a chance of  brown at some point, eventually. People are looking out their windows, expectantly, waiting for any sign of weather. It is true: there's a lot of weather out there.

Did you do anything special over the weekend?
Me either.
But we were thinking about it, so we get 10 points.
You know life has taken a bad direction when you're looking forward to a trip to McDonald's. I'd gladly pour a Wendy's frosty over my head for the chance to stand outside a Wendy's, perhaps a citizen, pretending he's driving a car. Anything that will get me closer to the pickup window. If they think I'm a few cans short of a 6 pack, maybe they'll let me up front of the line.


We're all thrilled about the shelter-in-place order from 49 states. They voted to contain California.


Lost in the PANIC over The Flying AIDS is homeschooling.
If Mom and Dad had to work outside, homeschooling was a bitch. If they worked from home, homeschooling was a bitch. Some kids' entire interaction with their parents is "When is dinner" or "Yo, bitch - where's dinner." And that's with Dad.

So, with a large jar of peanut butter and 2 spoons, off they went to 'school.' Homeschooling hopefully produces a child with critical thinking skills, much the opposite of public schools. They also get medical weed to smoke in the back yard. When their parents go back to work, the house will turn into a life size Jackson Pollock.


Wife wanted to be outside in the worst way, and she was. The dog and I had to pull her back in, while she was holding onto the door knob. Even a couple of HSN boxes would make her day, but alas, nothing showed up. She tried to chew through the metal door. She wanted to check out shoe sales, but we reminded her no stores were open (because of Idiot Governor). We may pack the car til nobody can see us in the car, and take a long trip. To Wendy's.


Who says you have to shave? Bathe?


Virus studies said there was virtually no way the Flying AIDS made it out of a lab. Last week, it was possible it escaped from a lab. At the beginning, it might've escaped from a lab.  At this point they're throwing darts at a board with the thrower blindfolded, in a dark room.



Businesses throughout the country are hammering their own Idiot Governors to be allowed to open. Kinda sad. Thus far, Idiot Governor has done nothing. Maybe he thought of it intensely, who knows? Perhaps the toothpick lobby finally got to him.

Captivity - Day 37 My boobies lie over the ocean

Hiya - it's a joy-filled day!
If you like gray/green cover from clouds the size of the northern hemisphere.
We're taking a great leap of trust by listening to the weather forecasters.

Don't forget: the first symptoms of the Flying AIDS is something. One group of experts says the toes. Another group of experts says loss of taste (I better shut the blog down). Yet another groups says a temperature. I'm beginning to think these experts flunked out of weatherman school.


Doctors and therapists are using conferencing services as appointments. This leaves a huge market for the rest of us. Get ready for DriveBySarcasting - Had too good of a day? Get a raise? We'll drive by, observing social distancing  norms, and blast out a genuine single serving of sarcasm! By the time your spouse sees you, you'll you're in Big Trouble!  Also available: blow up beds, for those nights your spouse would prefer you sleep elsewhere!


Brief News:
Scientists have come up with another wacky phrase: quarantine fatigue.
Use your imagination.  This is based upon your cell phone data - stolen directly from you. So we add this to shelter-in-place, covid, the Flying AIDS, and flatten the curve. Your homework: use them all in a sentence.

Chicken plants scramble.
Shouldn't that be eggs?

Couples are getting married on Zoom.
Nobody should be using Zoom, but the bigger concern is whether they will be broadcasting the wedding night. Followed by divorces on Zoom.


Speaking of which, I'm finding out there's a morass of legal issues when working from home. If you have sex with your SO, that counts as having sex at work. It is ok to have sex with your SO, provided one of you isn't supervising the other.



The joke is on Mrs lefty: she got a motion sensor light for the back yard. I had no idea it was in the Neighborhood Instruction Manual. She probably figured she could sail it by me when I wasn't looking. I showed her.... I didn't listen. She kept saying something about lights, deer, spaghetti, moles, and bunnys and the dog. Here's how it works: keep in its box for a year. Take it out of its box for a month. Refer to it repeatedly while he stares forward. Now here's the good bit: apply on a sunny day, without rain.... I WIN!  I WIN!


I hate when my friendly neighbors float by my house; some in crash position, some with small improvised craft. I was thinking of a tennis thingie across the street, so we can catch them as they go by. The problem is that we only like one of our neighbors.


I got a present from Satan Claws the other day. Is it a tablet with a keyboard you can attach. So you can sit there, in Starbucks, looking like you're working on the Next Big Idea. On in class or work - people will check your tech and you'll get a raise or an A in class: all for watching pr0n on your. Pro Tip: mute the volume, always.  Where was I?  Oh the tablet, yes.... It has a touch pad. You either love or hate touchpads, which isn't the point in this paragraph. There are no instructions. Normally we all deal with it and just get computing. But this becomes very difficult when you can't right click, left click, drag, or tell the tablet's manufacturer how you feel about this genius idea'

It would be nice if maybe you could find the instructions.
Looking for the manual would be a lesson in frustration. Lotta lessons here, right outta the box. This sort of pad is vaguely popular, so there is info (and reviews) in many place. Most of the answers are downright stupid. It took quite a while to get around to asking how to work the mouse.  What is wrong with this brand? I've never had a portable computing device with no trackpad buttons. My short ride on the internet produced a manual. Unfortunately for another model. Eventually I scared something up, figuring it out by an older manual.


* First you turn it on: this is the MAIN step and we cannot stress it enough.
* You might also want to see if the device is charged. Hold down any of 12 switches and look for a small light. I think it was blue.
* If there is no light, you bought the cheap version. Do you research things, or randomly throw money at it?
* In the event that the tablet comes up, we will not be responsible for it. Look for some garish goog graphic, take a few days off work, and get that thing off your machine.
*Now we're going to play hide and seek. The only one in the house who can operate the trackpad hides for a few days. The joke is on him, as the locks are changed.
* Back to the net, where we discover there IS a manual... they just didn't want us to FIND it. In order to left click, just move the mouse left. Same for right click. If you want to grab and drag, hold the most steady part of your body on the trackpad and yell GRAB - GRAB! It won't work. Try it again. By God you people are hysterical!  Left click, drag, put on your ruby slippers and say "OUCH - these things hurt." So, very quietly, put one finger on the trackpad, lift, and move your arm over your head, like an antenna. A very stupid antenna. If this doesn't work. we're going to recommend the Lego Computing Set.



Here's some stuff I want... I am not asking you for anything.. just the info on where it is:

• I drink Peet's French roast. I checked and they don't make a French roast in decaf (the bastards). So I'm looking for an absolutely nasty, dark roast that's so strong, eats the cup it came in (Keurig)
• a left handed Fender Stratocaster - up to the year 1959

Thanks.

You guys are the best.

Captivity - Day 36 I'd be a great singer if I could sing

The time we know as Weekend has started. We know because hopefully we got to sleep late. I did, which is certainly a major accomplishment. for me. Within 1 hour, Mrs lefty said I looked like my first nap was overdue; it's when see sees me looking a little green. No idea how I pull this one off, but who can argue with a free nap? Or a green person.

How do you know you're done you're done with your 1st nap?
That's a great question.

About the time it took to get to the sofa, I knew I was almost ready, but there was a small hitch: there was no one to give me permission to take the nap. Fortunately she had hidden herself well, out by the green stuff growing there. She knew that's the last place I'd look. Cheeky bugger.


We're at roughly 9 weeks since we've been in a car over for more than 5 minutes. I'd wear men's clothes again if we could go out.


I told everyone that it was only a matter of time until Gucci, Kate Spade, and Coach come out with their own coordinated masks. 1 for each day of the week. They could come to market in days. Women will snap them up, unless the Flying AIDS starts to go away.  They will help flatten the curve by giving up these $59.95 masks.


Wife runs out to 'take a ride' a lot.
Don't quote me, but I think she's actually shopping.
The 3rd time she asked me to bring in the bags was what tipped me off.


So about those hallucinations... I wouldn't recommend them.
It was a real bummer because I didn't get to see anything interesting.
I asked the doctor if he could come up with something for the weekend, or very late at night. Doctor not amused. At least he didn't say exercise. The neighbors either think I drink, or I'm Herman Munster. Let's just say I had some problems getting down the 2 steps to go out. It's not fair, if you look at it objectively. I tried drugs once and left them all behind. Now here I am, feeling like they're all coming back to pool their evil natures and turn me into a superhero. Dr Side Effects! Faster than an old candy bar keep under your seat. Because you're paying attention to your cell phone!. More disappointing than your penis not working on antidepressants! Doesn't hang out in your lip or nose hairs! It's Dr Side Effects!

So anyway, All those neato things that kept flying around me are no longer there. Either that or they're there and I can't see them during the day. Ooh, that's rather unpleasant thought.  MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. So no more hallucinations. The doc recommended another pill to stop me from being so animated in my sleep. Apparently I put on quite the show. With my clothes ON. I only fall up the steps if I have to lean backwards. On the bright side, they're cheaper than Frosted Flakes, but don't taste as good.

So right now it's 3 pills that directly work on the problem, and 2 for the symptoms of the 3 pills that work on the symptoms. Next time I'm going to ask for better symptoms. I'm not sure if they're working.. Perhaps the sea lions on the ceiling can give me a better idea.


Another billion dollar idea: Start advertising yourself as a divorce lawyer. If couples haven't killed themselves yet, it's only a matter of time. Also an OB/gyn.

Captivity - Day 35 Don't touch me there

The Tubes - Don't Touch Me There


Daily Weather Rant
As we know, there are exactly 2 choices in our weather forecast: Green and Brown. Today would definitely be brown. You can come up with the forecast with near 96,467% accuracy by taking the official forecast and flipping it around.


In a sad, sad discovery, the adult store was closed. Something about social distancing.


Idiot Governor is considering opening liquor stores. Now let's give this idea a bit of consideration: in this time of sickness and sheltering-at-home, how can you look me in the eye and say liquor is non-essential?



Stars join in coronavirus fight.
We're doing everything to fight the virus. In our homes. With chocolate popcorn, brought by the 'houseboy,' Lil-Dickie

Do celebrities still matter in a crisis?
Did they ever matter? 



In our daily show of civil disobedience, we all got in the car and drove around our block, blowing the horn. Without masks. Up Yours, Idiot Governor.


At least the hallucinations have been keeping us busy and amused.
It's kinda boring, actually, except bedtime. I went to our bedroom and stopped to let Wife get by me. Much to my surprise, she was in bed. She's good but she cannot bi-locate. Then I watched a dark gray thing go past me, out the door. My phone's light was on and naturally we saw nothing. Dog and wife were actively avoiding being awake. Up to this time, the random things seen were kinda funny. This one was a little concerning.

Also concerning that the hallucinations are visual only.
I like this, because I'd hate for those to get in a scrape with the ones inside my head.

The doctor was less than amused, saying I'm the only one this shit happens to. I am difficult. Hey, you knew this when I signed on. I'm here to challenge you.



SJW

COVID-19 kills more men than women.
Men demand equity, claim Coronavirus is a tool of the Matriarchy.

Captivity - Day 34 a clean colon is a happy colon

Every now and then, I remind myself of the ahhhhhhh feeling I get from bathing; usually once a month or so.  Working from home is exhilarating... so many negative things (in-person meetings, clothes, silicone toys, etc). If you're particularly eager to get out of a meeting, tell them you're not wearing anything below your shirt. Or women's underwear - adjust to taste. Or just a bra - people are fascinated by bras (unless it's a guy figuring how to take one off). Then there's the interruptions... PLEASE TELL THE DOG TO STOP BARKING, put a tit in the kid's mouth, why is it that you only become chatty when I'm in a meeting? Does the sound of talking from my phone give it away?

My stomach is getting weird (moreso). It lets me know I'm hungry before I know it. It's not the generic grumble, like normal people have; this kind actually speaks.  When you're sitting there, minding your business, you start hearing stuff. It can even impersonate some of your friends and relatives. So if you hear one of your friends knocking on the door and cursing lightly, it's more of a complaint than a standard. Just the other night I heard it say "How bout some food, doofus?, in my brother's voice. It scares the dog." Lately it has been ordering pizza, in my voice. It also tries to pick up the owner's wife  Even my stomach noises are doing better than me. Mind you, Mrs lefty wants to know why the owner's wife is always knocking at our door..


Speaking of stomach noises, they sound like they're speaking. Even Mrs lefty says so. We're just never sure what language it's speaking. They're pretty loud, especially when they speak to her.

HEY - did you just call me a fatass who couldn't ride a scooter?
Wasn't me. Talk to the stomach.
No, YOU talk to the stomach, when you want some dinner.



Chocolate covered ants
That is all.

I'm not too concerned about the hallucinations because I heard about them while growing up. At that time they were drug-induced. Doing the Science, I don't do drugs (much to the surprise of others), I barely drink and when I do, I drink like a girl. No pills other than prescription (I have my own prescription pad), and I was weaned off lead paint by the age of 22. I miss that delicate taste. Blue really did taste better than brown.

So none of them explain why those just folded towels look like a dog. Fortunately it's not moving.
However, the things that are moving are a little frightening.
Yesterday the stairs slid down and became a water slide. This needs watching, because I use the stairs.

Ya know how you stare at something for a bit and it starts moving? I don't have to wait. As I type, there's a vertical junk storage thingy on the table. Everything in it is moving, but not at the same time. It looks like it might be sending Morse code, but the laugh is on it - I don't know Morse code. The gorilla hand is holding up a car stereo, as it sometimes does. The part that's odd is that it never moves. Til tonight, I guess.  The garbage pile in my office sits next to a cleaning towel, and keeps being Mrs lefty all day. There's a perfect answer for this: even Normies could see it out of the sides of their eyes. Now that I know what it is, I keep looking at it, like it's her.

Oh yeah, I don't take LSD either.

The dog has been resting on the couch most of the night. She has the fascinating ability to disguise herself as a blanket. Even though I know this, I keep looking at her, to make sure she's ok. The radio antenna has got some motion to it, but only at the end. Last and least, soda cans have started appearing on the coffee table. Anyone, even the fashion-impaired, knows you don't put soda cans on a coffee table. Fortunately it's been cleaned. How do I know? Because I can see 1 square inch of the table top. If progress continues at its current speed, I'll see TWO square inches of table top by December!!

Meanwhile, Sir Paul is tuning up in the guitar room, He says I have more lefty guitars than he does.  Stop sucking up, Paul.


Speaking of which, I'm not getting any audio hallucinations.
The top audio hallucination, as reported by Audio Hallucination Magazine, is Taylor Swift. It's not only this maddening - you sing and dance along with it.



One of the main purposes of this blog is actually to document one weirdo's descent into madness. Apparently we just put the water on to boil.

Captivity - Day 33 It's raining ferrets

Like the damn thing up top says, we're into day 33 of captivity.
It's not at all punchy or violent. No weapons were pulled from the safe. No safe was there to pull the weapons from. It was a test, officer. I swear.

I suspect the wife and dog are against me. I hear them up all night, plotting and planting. What use is planting for me?
Must watch carefully...


I was going to start exercising, but when the Weather Guy said there may be snow toward the end of the year, I had to call it off. No use getting my chops together, only to find it's snowing.


It's a nice-looking morning, especially discovering that the medicine you got to calm down the side-effects of the other medicines, requires another med to stop its own side effects. This is the Shakespeare of Pill Pushing. Hopefully this will stop the body from randomly throwing itself at the ground.  *Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing."  - Douglas Adams


Let's try to make something positive of this.
ummmm..... I didn't have to mow yesterday?


I just got a stack of birthday cards. It was really nice.
I feel bad, so I won't tell them they're off by a few weeks.

The doctor told me to exercise.
He wouldn't take NO for an answer.
He didn't even believe that exercise causes cancer.
It took me hours to put together the scholarly research project, all for nought.



You've probably never seen anything like it, but I successfully flipped a pizza in the air, then it landed on the oven. I wasn't trying. You know if I tried, it would have cut itself into slices, got out some paper plates, and served itself to the ThermionicEmissions staff. It was kinda fascinating to look at Naked Pizza. Take everything off and you're left with crust tinted red.
To make things more interesting, the dishes staged a revolt. As I washed, things started to leap into the sink; either suicidal, or just to piss me off. Or both. Everybody headed for the Safe Room, but I explained what happened and they went to the Safe Room instead. 3 minutes later, the dried dishes joined forces with the dirty dishes, and it was ON. The off the rails moment was when a huge baking sheet flew itself at the ground. Practicing my newfound calm, it only made it to the roof. I gave up doing the dishes at that point,  because I was worried about getting sliced up. It took another 20 minutes for the circus to stop and pack itself up. We have knives so sharp, if you even look at them, they'll cut off body parts. It's like the Amityville Horror, but with a really gorgeous dog.

Hey wait... we could do a reality show live from lefty place, and bring in a different exorcist every week. We could follow them around, asking really stupid questions. We could ask how the SM4 (Stupid Monitor) meter works and how many minutes it took to assemble it. One of the hosts will be an attractive female. At the end of every show, she'll get slimed. For some unknown reason, she never wears a bra...



It takes a lot very little to make me angry, up to and including flamethrowers.
When the ground starts shaking, low pitched growling noises, and many other socially difficult stunts, Mrs lefty grabs the dog and runs for cover. There are only 2 things that really get me going: Calling for support and purchasing something online. Well, let's start by listing commonalities... a phone, a computer, English as a second language and me.  My browsers are so locked down that even I can't use them. It can take 8 browsers and 2 operating systems to make it through the transaction, plus a lot of screaming (but I am never rude to the person on the other end of the phone). I made a reasonable suggestion never to use a Social Security number for identification. She kept repeating that it was necessary for identification. Lovely script, no?


RING RING...
blah blah blah para primo pressy numero 13.
silence
Would you like to open your card?
If I didn't, why would I be calling you?
I need your SS#
No you don't. How come the Magic Phone Lady wants the last 4 and you want the whole thing?
It is for identification.
We shouldn't be using SS# for ID
We are just trying to identify you.
You mean all the info I gave you, including size of my ahem..., wasn't enough? No, you may NOT take a measurement for me.

It got downright hysterical when I called Comcast. Their server had an aneurysm when I asked it to do something. Then I got to play 14 rounds of CAPTCHA fun. How many buses can you spot in these blurry boxes? None - the boxes are too blurry. I have to give them credit: I got it all done on their page. Now they can fire customer service people. And you can't do anything because Comcast owns everything Disney doesn't.




Sad news this morning: work lost one to the Flying AIDS. He had gloves, mask and other protective gear.  We salute him and hope for the best for those left behind.

first tube on the Moon

Captivity - Day 32 WHO, UN, FCC, GTFO

It's Day 32 of our World Mask Countup



The sun is out. Like I said, it's a trap. It was really cold. Then it snowed for a bit, then sun again. I gave up trying. Unfortunately so did the sun, but there are plenty of people over the world, getting it wrong. They're called weathermen. And women.


Today's act of civil disobedience is driving around your area with no seatbelts and no mask. * you're gonna need balls - Philly police are known to carry garden hose, which doesn't leave marks. Plus most of the cops have a lot of free time on their hands, after announcing they will not show up for minor crime. They are not kidding.. I saw a convenience store with 6 police cars parked. Someone robbed the place and ran out. The store owner asked if the police were going to do something about it. The bastard had the nerve to interrupt donuts. The police asked if they called 911. Nope. They asked if he had a gun. Nope. They told the poor guy they're not allowed to work minor crimes unless there's a gun involved, then went back to their jelly donuts.

So if you ever need the Philly PD, you have to phrase your request thusly:  Hello 911? I'd like to report my neighbor for having grass over the 3" limit. AND SHE HAS A GUN!



I think the doctor needs to adjust my medicine.
I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when out of the corner of my eye, a blanket had turned into the dog.  Everyone did LSD when they were young, but it wasn't as effective as what I was seeing.  A long shard of cardboard started moving. I worked out that if Penny wasn't eating it, it was not moving. I have to admit that jamming with Jimi Hendrix was pretty mind-blowing. Hmmmm,,, I wonder if I really want this 'fixed..'

• I'd get way more work done if the cabinets and chairs would stop getting all melty

I do not want to shelter-in-place; I don't care if it's Mila Kunis' place.
That would not be good.

Hello, Honey?
If you haven't heard, Idiot Governor says we have to shelter-in- place.
What does that mean?
You have to stay indoors, in a place.
When are you coming home?
We'll have to ask Idiot Governor.
Where are you?
Mila Kunis' place.
WHAT are you doing at Mila Kunis' place?
You know these stars - none of them can operate a toothbrush, unless there's a toothbrush app in their iDevice. Do you have any idea how hard it is to use 'that pose'? They buy the phones and then spend 14 days learning how to make it look natural.



Governments across the globe are talking about when to let people out of their homes. The World Health Organization, largely seen as as cash hole, is struggling (to come up with something fund-able), but they're hiding behind the UN, where no one would bother looking for them. I've seen grown men offer to cut off a limb, cook it, and eat with his best friends, rather than go to the UN.

President says we're de-funding World Health Organization.
Out of nowhere, WHO says, "Trust us. The worst is ahead of us."
"We're not kidding."
"We're the WHO - trust us."
"We've gone through billions of dollars this calendar year."
"The Center for Disease Control butt-dialed us once.
"Trust us. Please. We're the frickin' WHO"
Well, it's a secret, but trust us. We're spot on here.
Think of the tax writeoffs!
WHO wears masks normally? US.
How do you know this?  State secret. Trust us.
We saw what was happening and bought tons of masks. No, they're for us
If you fund us now, we'll throw in the UN.

It’s only days until Gucci, Coach, and Target bring out their designer masks.

You would not be caught dead in a generic white mask.

It’s way too early to wear white.

There's a Walmart mask, but no one will wear it. The kids would rather die from the Flying AIDS than wear that mask. It's full of graffiti and diapers - the mask too. Children will be behind in life because their parents cannot afford Gucci masks. There will be thefts. A black market on the Dark Web.

Somebody call the Fashion Police!  

There's what sounds like a Saturn 5 rocket launch happening next door.

After 2 days of cutting, planting, and serving as the only nice place on the block, the fuel truck is in place and working. They have one of those elevator thingies so you can get to the top, where the best seats are. I don't know a lot about rocketry, but I think there's going to be a bit of damage done to the rest of the block. Idiot Mayor won't do anything until we remind him that there was a black, Jewish, lesbian, vegan on the flight.

Captivity - Day 31 My companion elephant is worried

Hey, ho,
it's another Monday
yo.

Mondays are flowing by at a snail's pace, largely because Mondays look like Saturdays. Are we a little batty, having been locked in?


In eastern Pennsylvania, a war is brewing.
People on the east side vs people on the west.
The contention is about the proper word for 'you' plural.
Pittsburgh says yinz
Philly says yous
And that's it for today. Bob - tell them what they won!


Is it better to see things and know you're hallucinating, or to go "wow man, that's some wild shit."  (asking for a friend)


States bereft of the Flying AIDS are few; New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. New York because dey gotta tude. New Jersey because it's South New York, and Pennsylvania because we have Idiot Governor to do harm. No matter, When Trump says something, Governors lift their hands and say NO.  - they will torture their citizens in their own way. And that way can include chain, stockings, more taxes, and specialty rubber bands. The last thing is a lawn sign that states hate is not allowed here, as the parties start to hate each other.


We can't tell if the weather is going to be green or brown, but that old dude is still loading animals on his boat.


I 'forgot' to read much news over the weekend, so I don't know if there were any acts of stupidity from Idiot Governor. It's a fair bet that there are. California governor Gavin Newsom is already sending checks to illegal aliens. By next week, he will start taking furniture from the Governer's Mansion and giving that away too. If he has any of those HUGE Caddy/Lincolns, I'll feign homelessness for it. I'd poop all over his office. He would say the illegals have come a long way and hand them 2 checks for $1,200 and a city job, displacing the American workers. Did somebody put his brain back in the wrong way?

How was your weekend?
There was a weekend? Why didn't anyone tell me?


Today I identify as   the white Strat Jimi Hendrix played at Woodstock.


Continuing the Science series, we have learned that lawn mowers cannot become airborne with a human propulsion device attached. Today we're going to learn just how much force the human propulsion device needs to successfully. make it through your basic bay window. I'd get one of those plexiglas shields the stores have now. Also some hearing protectors, in case your wife is in the neighborhood.

Coming up next week: why does it hurt when I pee?


So I was wondering what the day had in store for me. I didn't have to wait long...
Wife and Dog running around house. Then bedrooms, Penny shrieking and whining. What happened? There was a bird in the house. Wife wanted it GONE, dog thinks they're tasty. She catches them outside. I then get a correction: 2 birds in the house. This is actually the second time this has happened. Wife suspects a window. The window she suspects is just over there, way up in the air, like a fork. Picture any ladder, then 2 acrophobes, terrified to climb them. But Wait!!! they're over 8' under the window, and you can't put most ladders on steps. So if you played 8, you're in pretty good shape now.

Captivity Day 30 I see fire engines. Don't you?

Although my math isn't great, I've been sending these missives. Since it's 30, that's a month, hence we've been stuck in the house. Mrs lefty somehow needed to go shopping, but all the badass shoe stores were closed. You could say shopping was her favorite activity.

Don't poo-poo shopping. My mother likes a bit of retail therapy too, but in a different way. Mom loves to go shopping, then returns some things a few days later. We never know why, but talking about it would give us those headaches that require Heavy Medicine from a specialist.

I keep watching her with the bags and while no one's looking, I can see the shoebox, unless they changed color.  Like last year. None of the really cool stores are open, because Idiot Governor waved his magic stick and POOF - the store was closed.  In what universe are shoes not essential? I type with my love reading over my shoulder because sharing her burdens and acknowledge their issues. She says this sort of brings out my female side.

I have no female side. I am not gay. I have no alters. If I were to have a female side, one or more of us would be dead. Poor Mrs lefty: having to live with me, tolerate me well, and all that mind-boggling boom-boom... It's only a problem 4 times a year.

So we're as close to normal as a ouija board.  We were as close to the Normies as possible. The only way to track her down would be heading to all of the local malls and parking. It's like a little slice of heaven. But they're closed. It's like a little slice of hell.

• Today I identify as  an Arbys

It was interesting weather, with sun all day; just now it's either partially sunny or partly cloudy. I slept through meteorology course, so I'm of little help. Either that or I slept through it. It seems that the people with degrees. the Snots, are not getting what they feel they're owed. The non-Snots, with half a diploma each, are calling from their work phone and giving them the NYAH NYAH SALUTE. The Stoners want to know what is this graduation thing, and they get a few tokes in early? The jocks are busy calling some kid a faggot and beating him up. So all is normal.

• ignore this

Captivity - Day 29 That is NOT a turkey baster

lefty - give us some content. We're starved and the store has been out of S'mores Pop Tarts for weeks.

I've always said that it's the small things.
I've always asked for very little (and that's what I got)
The tv commercials laud firefighters, nurses, and police.
I'm truly impressed with the decent folks at my supermarket, because they finally had Gif peanut butter. It's not that I have problems with any other butters. It's just their saying: choosy mothers choose Gif.
Of course they choose Gif - their children say it tastes best. What the little bastards don't know is that Gif has the most sugar of any peanut butter. This explains my desire to eat it. Speaking of little bastards and sugar, I used to enjoy a captive audience when the family went out for dinner. I'd tell my family no appetizers, then take a Sugar Snack. What is a Sugar Snake, you ask? Grab a sugar packet, open, and pour directly into mouth.  Mom was not impressed
I enjoyed it.

The whole scheme falls apart at iHOP, where their sugar packs are way under a spoonful. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!


I awoke with a start: it was only 9:30.
I can't face reality at that hour on what I'm assured is Saturday.
It is green, according to the forecast.

Most forecasts here fall into these categories:
Partly cloudy, partially sunny, clouds, rain clouds, overcast clouds, scattered clouds, broken clouds, light clouds, a bit of cloud cover, chance of lizards falling on your head, etc.

You know what love is?
It's someone who turns the Keurig on before I get out of bed, so it will be ready for me.  It's someone who never points out that your gut is expanding, then shops for candy and cookies, making sure the life insurance is paid up. She thinks I don't know about this. If I don't blog within 48 hours, they will never find my body.

Speaking of iHOP, I was recently made aware of hair extensions, to make the actress' hair look longer. I wonder, if they hook many of the together, they could cover the parts of my head that parachuted to the ground.


If your SO or date, says "O.M.G." out loud, RUN. You still have time to ditch her. Tell her you need to go potty, leap the kitchen, and fly out the back door. Don't worry about the cooks - they see this shit all day. "Look, Bob, there's another one. Poor guy. What are we up to today?  I think it's three. Who wins the poll today? We have a few hours to go and Bryan is coming  in at 6. Cuz you know that OMG leads to "It was the best -- EVAHHHHHH"



How to Wake Your SO:

• trip over the convenient placed aluminum foil, screaming, then fall on the bed, with everything in the jar rattling on the bed. and curse loudly
• After the glass breaks into a million pieces, SO will look up at you. Tell them you were trying to be quiet so you wouldn't wake them.
• siren in a can
• router and circular saw in the bedroom, just in case you need them overnight
• impromptu guitar solo
• hang a few pictures
• vacuum
• get a baton and conduct the Pennsylvania Royal Marching Band, as they drop their instruments one by one, near the bed. "Oh, did I wake you? I didn't mean to. You told me you liked marching bands.

Not that I will ever have this problem. It's an entirely different paradigm (sorry, had to use that word today) I have to get in bed. The room is dark, but I can find my way to the bed. This is where the fun starts: Wife is sleeping, but parts of her body are still awake. One foot starts doing Stuff. It twitches, it moves back and forth, and if you ask nicely, it will give you the winning numbers for the next lottery. While this is going on, she has somehow managed to get her leg completely over most of my side of the bed, except the other one hangs off the bed. Let's add in the dog. Penny only sleeps on the bed, and since her coloring matches my blanket, I can't find her in the light or the dark. Now I'm relegated to the 1' left on the entire bed. When I get there, things do not end. Penny races me to my pillow and licks my face until we have to pull her off (just my luck - I do better with dogs than women. Lastly, my companion elephant has to sleep on the floor.

At this point it starts to get ugly(er). Where is my pillow? Ah, yes, down on the floor. Where is my blanket?  Looking around in the dark, I notice the bedding on the floor, opposite the pillow. Furthermore, 30% of the bedding is on the bed, having been pulled by the dog., and 70% is at the bottom. Every night..I ask myself what fresh hell awaits me tonight. It's always the dog. At least when I ask Wife. She's fun in the bedroom, but not in the direction you're thinking. She can sleep 2" over the pillow-we often have interesting conversations.

Honey, are you ok?

Yes, why?

It might be a good idea to sleep on the pillow.

Huh?

It might be a good idea to sleep on the pillow - you might hurt your neck.

I'm already sleeping.

You're sleeping 2" over the pillow.

No I'm not.

I don't want to argue with you, but I'm watching your head 2" above the pillow.

No I'm not.

Can you levitate yourself over the entire bed? That would be awesome.

Captivity - Day 28 Who has my rectal thermometer

Let's use our new words in a sentence:
We have flattened the curve, using social distancing and sheltering-in-place.


Remember - if you're sheltering-in-place, you don't have to wash your hands.



RIP Brian Dennehy (81), natural causes (at 81?)



I had vanilla yogurt this morning. There is nothing on the bottom to mix, like fruit yogurt. There goes my exercise today.


The neighbor's at it again, after 8 hours yesterday.
I looked it up and discovered that if you're planting grass by the blade, you have to come back the next day to polish it.


IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!
Well, technically. The only difference between tomorrow is sleeping late (that's a good thing).


"Speaking of jail, there's this: "Quarantine leads to murder"
and this
"Cannabalism suspected in Brooklyn"

Idiot Governor hasn't said anything about this, but I'm going to go ahead and give you the Stay out of New Yawk suggestion.



The doctor finally got his teleconference software operating (with the help of the 13 year old kid from next door. He prescribed some new medicine.

I don't want another pill, Doc. The idea is to decrease the meds.
What's it for?

It stops your ears from dancing all the time, like you're doing now.

But you have to remember to cut down on your connoflavin.

But Doc - that stuff saved my life 10 years ago. If I take less of it, well... do you want me to come to your office with a large, automatic weapon and some panties?

Ah, Mr lefty, I see your point. Here's what we'll do.
You take the connoflavin  and remove the corners - that should help.
Now I'll give you this prescripton.

For what?

Well, it's an anti-resin complex with triple A's. As I said before, it keeps your ears quiet, It will help you fix the car, and call your mother-in law rude names. It's for taking care of the nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea that the other pills may cause. Make sure you're not pregnant.

Hmmmmm, maybe I'll take the prescription after all.

Captivity - Cay 27 Run to the light

I got a look at what it will be like when I'm old yesterday, after proving that people can't fly (at least with a mower). I looked like a 90 year old, with mower-related injuries. Since it was a very real injury, I want to use it to my advantage - no mowing for at least 10 years. My psychic abilities tell me this will work almost as well as Joe Biden's mind, or Trump's attempts at subtlety.

I can't help noticing that it was very early this morning.

Statistics, that I just made up, says 1 in 7 in New York residents may have the Flying AIDS.  Because of this, we need to put a fence around California.

Today I identify as  the same thing I identified as yesterday, and likely the same thing I will identify as tomorrow.

It's a bad time to be in PA. Generally.

You want to avoid public transportation. Last week, 10 police stormed a bus to remove a lady not wearing a mask. Last night, a man shot 3 teenagers in self-defense. While the system is giving out masks, perhaps they should switch to bulletproof vests. UPDATE: riders are stealing the masks.

Idiot Governor made masks mandatory and when he was done, said he plans to veto legislation allowing some businesses to run. ACHTUNG DUMBKOPF!  Since Herr Fuhrer mandated masks, let's open the businesses.

Whenever you think Idiot Governor, thank your deity that you're not in California, where the governor is handing out $500 checks to illegal aliens. Statistically there has to be somebody with some sense in the entire state.

Idiot Governor will quietly approve a measure next week that requires all cars to wear masks. 

In Philly, where health workers are needed, they're being furloughed because the Flying AIDS is hurting the hospitals' bottom line.

Masks, as mandated, are still hard to come by. Suggested is making your own. Sometimes you have to use alternate materials:

• car stereo (remove from car first)
• China (turnabout is fair play)
• dining room table
• Aunt Margaret, who you never really got along with
• bra (over 38C for maximum protection)
• If you want maximum social distancing, Judge Judy (come near me and I'll talk to you)
• steal someone else's

I need to make a music CD for the car. For some reason, probably because I don't work at a place with them, I'm completely out. Where does one get blank CDs? Amazon does not consider them essential; my car does. Drug stores have them, at $9.99 for one. Hey - there's Best Buy! They now have curbside service. WTF is curbside service for audio? Do you yell across the lot to any convenient employee "HEY, I WANT SOME BLANK CDs"? He goes inside and comes out with the closest thing they have: a home audio system, with couch and 74" tv. No, No, No, you explain, and show him a CD in your car.  The lightbulb goes off over Darwin's head. He returns with an iPad.  Darwin suggests you use the app. The app wants permissions to your contacts and your underwear size. Finally you give up and go home. You order over the web, which tells you that it's ok to pick up. In the parking lot of the store you were just at. In fact, your cheerful sales associate, Darwin, will be happy to help you. You go home and wait til Amazon starts selling everything else.

People are pissed. People are concerned about privacy and government bullshit. People are protesting - in the streets. It makes me proud that people finally care enough to actually turn off the Wednesday Night Furries and DO SOMETHING. That is all.

Captivity - Day 26 Social Distancing from my family

Probably because the manufacturing is done cheaply, I tend to scratch the letters off keyboards. Last week it was M and N. Even though I don't look at the keyboard, I'm now mixing up N and M. It's like I've got eyes in my fingers. Or maybe I've been inside too long.....

Since the last vacuum fought and won, tonight is the really cheap vacuum. I'm saying this because maybe if I say it, I'll actually do it. Odds are strictly against it.

I got an email from my car: it misses me.

So does the vacuum.

The doctor called, checking on the new medicine. I told him to hold on, while I caught the purple giraffe in the kitchen. He said something about dosage adjustment and got off the phone quickly....

I have a harem at work. Working from home is making things very difficult.(especially the spankings)...

When your doctor does telemedicine and can't quite get the video working, should you find a different doctor? Good thing it's not the psychiatrist.

I would stand 3' from a random stranger, not wear a mask, go out for no particular purpose, drive 95 mph, not shelter-in-place, and sit inside a restaurant, all so I could go to a guitar show. I miss them, like Madonna misses facelifts.

Another side effect of the constant rain is that the grass grows like mad. As we know, I'd rather cut my own limbs off than mow. That said, the neighbors have taken up mowing. Working from home has lost its luster. The next door neighbors are now dueling with the electric tool neighbors for stereo cacophany supremacy. The next door neighbor doesn't have a lot of grass, so I think she's mowing the same patch over and over again, to annoy me. 8 hours later, still going. Perhaps they're replanting the grass, one blade at a time.

UPDATE: I vacuumed AND mowed. The ($&#ing mower took me for a header on the steps. Neighbors are already nervous - I can't shoot the thing.

Mrs lefty goes food shopping more now than before Idiot Governor ordered everyone confined to quarters. Shoe stores have not been declared essential (Idiot Governor has very few women on his staff). Perhaps I need to do a bag check. Some Targets will let you buy food but not clothes. "That?" That's been there for weeks. It's for my mom."

"That guitar? It's been there for weeks. It's for your mom."

===============================

This is where I put the good wishes, concern, and touchy-feely stuff.

Since I'm not doing that today, you can get f'd.

Captivity - Day 25 the bugs... they're everywhere!

Day 25.
I think she's stealing my staples.
I haven't caught her (yet), but I think she is.
I'm setting up a video camera so I can catch her.
The dog's in on it too. She's walking around with a package of crayons. As we know, crayons are a gateway to staples.
She thinks I don't count them...




In these troubled times, we need something to differentiate the weekend from the week. I suggested sex, as I do for everything. She said she's not having sex all weekend. I told her I agreed- we could have sex all week, and leave the weekends free for Other Stuff. I was no secret before she married me, but I'm a hell of an upgrade from the last one, who was known to dress like Wonder Woman and watch that porn where guys pay 400lb women to watch them eat. Or the other one, who liked to cover himself in mayonnaise and ride children's slides in the park. Boy, were her parents happy to see me.

Not only do I have a skewed sense of humor, my body does too. It gave me a fever on Sunday.  Very funny, guys. It lasted a day, so you're in no danger reading this.


The commute was a bitch this morning. Some long-haired bimbette tried to cut me off, down by the 3rd step. I gave her the finger. Will try again tonight.




ALERT THE POLICE: we expect to be walking the dog after dinner.
We're somewhat up in the air, as we've received no guidance from Idiot Governor on social distancing from the dog.


John Conway, the inventor of the game Life, has died of the Flying AIDS,
Even I'm not going to touch that.



I've been dreaming fondly of going to the mall. Any mall.
Sometimes I drive there and sit in the parking lot, just to be close to it.
I know the state police will arrest me, but it's worth it. I miss:

• the food court, in which I'd never eat
• The ladies' shoe stores
• 17 cell phone stores, one of which I'd enter
• foreign guys spraying perfume on me
• Chilis: you wait an hour for your food, unless you're the only person in the restaurant, then you wait an hour and a half
• Chik Filet, which has gone from Closed on Sunday to Closed Always
• I long for my favorite ride: the car wash. Maybe, if I've been good all week, an oil change too.
• Victoria's Secret: so I can get tackled by very good-looking sales associates, who, in real life, would cross the street, rather than walk on my side
• Idiot Governor, screwing us in the normal way, not with masks

Captivity - Day 24 E@$(ewqr5846

The weather is perfect for Monday: brown, disgusting, and raining like mad. If you're not watching carefully, it might not register that it's Monday. This might also have something to do with what you inhaled or took or drank over the weekend. They say if your head hurts that badly, stay home.  Get it - stay home? It's one of those days when there's no point in opening the curtains - it will just suck the existing light out of your house. That was until 4:30, when the sun shined brightly. I told Mrs lefty I'd take out the trash when it stopped raining, figuring that would be sometime next week, but out it went. I had to think about it for a minute: we have no guidance from Idiot Governor as concerns trash, so I didn't know whether to take it out. Mrs lefty was not buying, so I took it out, waiting for the inevitable sirens of the state police to baton me half to death. No, wait - rubber hoses don't leave marks.

The thunder was interesting.. it sounded like a truck dragging a dozen 4x8 sheets of plywood up and down the street. Or me, after a particularly rich dinner. Neither of us usually goes that long, hence my confusion.

Since I wasn't working, Wife reminded me I could spend some time cleaning.
She told me this as she went for a nap. She was right, so I went for a nap too.

I vacuumed the other day. My bad history with vacuums goes back years and years. 2 long-haired people, 4 dogs, 2 cats, and 4 metric tonnes of dust later, we have a foreboding task, so the vacuum breaks. Every vacuum breaks. From the most expensive to the cheap. And now my quadrupedal assistant has taken to helping. I noticed the latest vacuum sucked. It largely pushed the dirt around. I kept launching it and swearing it needed to DIE. Then I got frustrated that I was beaten by a vacuum. I took this *#&@ing thing apart from top to bottom, including the beater brush, which was building a new dog. Still pushing the dirt around. Still making the foul machine airborne. The amount of suckage was able to pull some junk up, so it looked better. This vacuum sucks,

Traffic was interesting this morning. The dog had 6 toys in one pile on the steps. This makes her the only occupant of the house who cleans regularly. Naturally there was a 1 mile backup as everyone stopped to gawk.



Don't forget - this is the highest holiday: Easter Candy Sale Monday! Get out there and purchase some highly-discounted, deemed-essential chocolates. I'm partial to butter cream.

Speaking of which, we're trying to get Idiot Governor deemed non-essential.



Anybody know where I can get a good virtual haircut?



I just took a header, walking into my office. Mrs lefty saw it happen, with quiet amusement. This is the first time I ever fell in my office; I've been cleaning it, for once. So now I feel I should stop cleaning it, for my own health. I will not die of old age; the house will kill me. Let Mrs lefty smirk - she trips over flat surfaces.


Speaking of headers, it's windy. I think someone's car blew by the window. The guy behind the wheel didn't look too happy.


I got my government check today.
What I can't get is official word on who's paying for this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Europe is reporting increasing amounts of domestic violence during enforced shelter-in-place. Add to this a large number of people with behavioral issues, including the undiagnosed ones, and you have the perfect recipe for Painful Stew. If you're experiencing either of these, there are phone numbers to call for help. Therapists are doing work over the phone or video chat. Please reach out. It can get better.

Somebody told me something that sticks with me to this day: "You deserve better."

I do not say this out of altruism - I just can't afford to lose any readers.

Captivity - Day 23 Get out the knives...

The other people in the trench reminded me it's Easter.
Happy(?) Easter to those who celebrate.

Mrs lefty, an escaped Catholic, has her hands full with me on a daily basis, but it gets worse around this time of year. She keeps trying to explain 'He is Risen' to me because I never see Him. It only makes sense if He is risen, that you can see Him. He'd be off doing miracles and giving the Vatican what it deserves. Does He rise only once a year and I keep missing Him? Mother-in-law calls to ask if Wife was making mass for the neighbors. I got really excited and asked if she was making mass cookies. Alas, no.

Now that I think about it, the poor wife could get by on sympathy donations from my readers.  What really frightens me about Mrs lefty is that she watches those Home Shopping Network channels. That's not bad, but she keeps switching over from other channels. She knows the hosts' names. She knows the descriptions of all the clothes and the models. The worst is that she's now calling jewelry 'pieces' (that's a nice piece). If she fails to order weekly, the Vice President of Sales calls to make sure she's ok.


So don't forget Easter Candy Sale Monday. After a massive campaign, we got Idiot Governor to declare candy essential (what an idiot), so get out there and save at least 50%. Just remember to social distance. If a store refuses to sell you candy, call Idiot Governor before the national guard shows up. It's bad enough they've taken our liberty: THEY'RE NOT GETTING THEIR FILTHY HANDS ON OUR SALE CANDY. Out forefathers did not fight and die so we couldn't take advantage of post-Easter candy sales.  *obligatory reminder: keep the dog away from the chocolate candy. Also the fat kid. Keep dogs and cats away from grapes, and cats away from onions and poinsettia.


It's partly cloudy with a chance of partly sunny. Again, this is a trap; It's 32. That's 497 metric. Mrs lefty wants to go out. Where, I wonder. Just for a ride. This is where trouble starts (see - it's not always me). Maybe we can ride around, making notes of which businesses are open. Or take down license plate numbers, so people think we're cops and panic. We're under cover. Wayyy under cover. We're so shut in that McDonald's is starting to sound good. Maybe we can drive around, order stuff, then drive around again. We wouldn't actually eat the stuff, but we could drive around a few times. We're in the middle of getting Idiot Governor declared non-essential.

Captivity - Day 22........... or whatever

Yay - it's the weekend!
How do I know?
It's just like the week, but without an alarm.

Mrs lefty is so bored she wants to do refuse work, provided it's out of the house, takes longer than a few hours, and doesn't involve me.  I can't blame her.


Somebody is watching Twilight Zone on tv, or rather the tv is on with Twilight Zone playing. I suspect the tv makes up 56% of our electric bill, but only 15% of our time. It's like an MP3 player with pictures. I can't really operate it but I set it up. The remote's MUTE key has the paint scrubbed off because I don't want to hear it: I figure if the unseen entities want to watch tv and drive the bills up, at least they can do it silently, without annoying the hell out of me. Besides - I don't get this Twilight Zone thing... people tell me it scared the hell out of them when they were younger. They saw it as black and scary. I see it as just another day, where pictures come alive, stuff flies around the room, and a virus keeps the world home.  If I could reach the remote, on the other side of the couch, I'd turn the sound on - this episode is directed by John Aston - Gomez from the Addams Family. Talk about typecasting - no matter what the guy did, he was Gomez.


By the way, if you experienced death, call 1-888-SUE-NOW and a member of our ambulance chasers legal team will be there faster than you can say Philadelphia lawyer.


Then the commercials started:

Hey, Mr ex-Football Player, how do you still look so great?

Well, I take Dicktosterone.

What's that?

As a man gets older, he loses certain potencies and his wife starts to complain.

What does Dicktosterone do for you?

It makes me look buff, makes my skin shine, and makes my wife complain.
It's like Viagra without a prescription. I can go all night. Now my wife complains about being sore and having a trapeze over the bed. There's no pleasing that woman. Well, you know what I mean.


Watching tv is dangerous. I did learn something, though: 60% of women wear the wrong size pad.


It's unprecedented, but the sun's out!
It's a trap.
I know this because we're bored out of our skulls and have to entertain ourselves any way we can. Much like this blog, we make stuff up.
It looks inviting, sure. But open the door and it's 32 degrees. Children are stuck to the road, except little Billy, whose tongue has been stuck to the light pole for 2 years. They have to make him a coffin that will accommodate a light pole too.



It's not that we've been married too long, but I get all excited when I wake up with another head on my pillow. I smile, because I love her a lot and tell her all the time. The wife is snoring away on her side of the bed; I'm talking about the dog.

Captivity - Day 21

I think all this is having an effect on the dog....
She's not putting her toys back anymore... it's bad enough that her parents have trouble in this area, but when I can't get up from the couch for the dog toys on the floor, there's a problem.  Either that, or she's finally starting to learn from her parents. When she starts drinking too much Snapple, we're going to see the vet. I've never had a dog who failed to grok gravity before. She grabs a toy, leaps up on the couch, then drops the toy on the floor. She sits there, looking at it, perhaps willing it up to the couch. This happens repeatedly and she still lets it fall. It turns out she's doing some Science on us: she's waiting to see how long it will take to train us to pick up the toy.

We're (obviously) 21 days into captivity and I was wondering what I'd be typing about if we weren't locked up confined to the house sheltering-in-place. I've managed to get one blog post per day, with absolutely nothing changing or happening. One could say that I have an awful lot to say about nothing. Or that nothing sparks creativity. Or, as my mom says, "You have a big mouth." Or, as my wife says, "Will you shut up already?"

The clouds have lost their morning battle with the sun, but we remain vigilant. After some spring temperatures, we're back in the Nippley Zone. 2 hours later, if got darker. Now there are snowflakes. Why does this not surprise me? It's windy - I think I saw one of the neighbor kids blow past the house.

Idiot governor hasn't done anything stupid today, but it's early.


So we had to decide on lunch. I favored some bacon with a little pizza. She wanted Duck ala Orange with green sauce. Oh great - fatty meat with oranges. We went with turkey (with no fruit). While I'm working, she likes to tease me... because I don't listen to her (in general, moreso when I'm working), she asked where I'd like to go tonight - the mall? I got all excited, like somebody suggested sex. In both cases, it was not to be.

Wife went to pick up a prescription and they must've thought she was me. They made her wait 20 minutes til everyone else was done, then looked at her funny - "Did you want something?" Meanwhile she watched the employees 'work.' Their boss must've taken off, because the were playing Bayer Ball, Catch the Cover Girl, and Keep Away from the bladder leak underwear. Maybe their boss was there - someone had to teach them to abandon their registers when the lines had more than 2 people in them. One female employee was a little sweet on a male coworker. This was obvious as she chased him up and down the aisles with a price gun, pricing certain parts of him that we couldn't see, but appeared to be near his midsection. Ah, young lust.

I hate retail from both sides of the cash register.

Next to the pharmacy is a gift store. Or some kind of a store with gifts in it. Shelves of crap like wood with funny sayings on it, little dead furry things on tiny wood mountings, and other kinds of funny sayings on fridge magnets. After reading this, does the description make you want to go in or run at the fastest speed possible to a closed liquor store? Because my wife visits there (buys) regularly (several times a week), she has reached Special Status (the manager knows her name). The manager is a little hard of selecting, so she asks the wife what she thinks they need to carry. Every time she chooses, the items fly off the shelves. I will never know walking into a store where someone is happy to see me.


With every day the same, one loses time. I just found out it's Easter on Sunday.
In a meeting, thousands of years ago, the days of the week got together and addressed Saturday's complaint. The result is Good Friday, Super Saturday, and Amazing Sunday. So as to be inclusive, there's also Easter Candy Sale Monday. So once again, we're getting ripped off by the Flying AIDS.



Archbishop Abp Vigano (yes, I spelled that right) asked bishops and priests to pray exorcism 'against Satan' on Holy Saturday. This from a holy group that preys on little boys - exorcise yourselves first.

How's that for a lite, fun Easter story?



Until tomorrow ...
(unless I die)

Captivity - Day 20 - I don't like it being morning

Pennsylvania has 2 weather forecasts: brown and gray. Today is brown.
Everyone's awake for my early meeting. Penny participates in the early meeting by barking like a loon when I have to speak. Wife participates by asking questions when I have to speak. It's just a 20 minute meeting, but it seems to force her to talk during it. Also heard was the local fire siren. My coworkers think I work in a circus... little do they know. Why is the dog barking? A crow is dive-bombing her in the yard. This will be the most exciting thing that happens today. Hours of entertainment.


We all used to get excited for Friday, because it meant the end of the work week and we could get our freak on (whatever that means). Now Friday is Gateway to Saturday, where the only difference is that you didn't work in the house, as opposed to being trapped in the house. Mid-Saturday, you long for Monday, when you can work again.

Since it's been roughly 20 days, we're all a little itchy. Nervous. Armed.
We need to practice self-care to keep calm. Besides, most ammo is sold out. Self-care can be anything you want it to be. Yes, that too, but only if you really love yourself. Here are a few ideas, when you don't have any sheep to count...

Count ceiling tiles.
Count each side of the ceiling tiles.
Count the little holes in each ceiling tile. (no cheating - the amount varies)
After you've counted your arm hair, count someone else's arm hair.
Count the dog's hair. If he moves, you have to start over again.
List 10 ways to really piss off the people you live with: put in a lot of thought
Do a 1,001 piece puzzle with the younger children and the aforementioned dog
Teach the kids to sniff markers. Extra points for model glue or spray paint.
Give your kids the gift of music.... drums. They'll practice all day!
Teach your kids the metric system. Convert liters to kilometers.
Do a detailed writeup of all the cereals in the house, as if they were wine.
--> this one has a nice, floral nose. This one has enough sugar for a heart attack. Does not remain crunchy in milk.



Things I've Discovered in Captivity

There is reduced sugar peanut butter.
There is reduced fat peanut butter.
Both are located in the No Taste aisle.

If white sugar is death, prepare the suicide room and sharpen my knives, Madge
The Post Raisin Bran box is cleverly colored like the Kelloggs Raisin Bran box.
There are great deals on coffee when there's no toilet paper
I had an awful lot of girlfriends named Karen.
Everyone looks stupid in masks
There are still no Coach masks. You expect me to go out in that?
My extended work at home hours cause my wife's extended sleep at home hours
I would love to date Daniela Ruah (CSI LA) but my wife has a strict no-dating policy.
There are Portuguese Jews (see Ruah, Daniela)
The phrase "Would it make you feel any better if I massaged your breasts?" is only funny the first time.
When I open my door, there are 2 jars of peanut butter. the Peanut Butter Fairy?
Even sex gets boring after a while (or so she says)
You only have to shave (and bathe) once a month,. Or so.
Only surf for pr0n on the personal computer, not the work computer

But mostly: This shit sucks


What's Good about Captivity

I don't walk past groups of gay men and get ogled like a bacon sandwich
The traffic is finally manageable
No waiting in line for lunch
I can finally have sex at work. And naps. Lots of naps.




Gimme Gimme

Newegg is giving away free face masks with US orders.
So you get a computer or computer parts AND a face mask. No better reason to buy now (that's how I'll explain it to her).




BRIEF Political News  

The socialist dropped out, leaving senile dementia to run against the megalomaniac. Biden will be a great candidate, once someone reminds him he's running.





Greetings to new readers from Turkmenistan and the Pleiades

Captivity - Day 19

The president said repeatedly that this would be a rough week.
It sure has... the guitar stores remain closed. I have to call Dairy Queen to see if I can still get a malt. We are mostly concerned that the drugstore remains open, because people should have unlimited access to birth control:

Person 1: I'm a baby boomer
Person 2: I'm Gen X
Person 3: I'm Gen Y
Person 4: I'm a corona baby


There are a few states holding out on the quarantine. Good for them. States that do not require government intervention and can make their own decisions.

It's raining again, per Prophecy, as this is trash day. I'm going to get wet taking the cans out or bringing them back - this is a law of physics. Like Quarks and Particles and Blue Matter, no one knows why. Hey... it's  sunny! This is unprecedented. 2 days of sun on trash days - let me bring in the cans. The moment I get out the front door, I feel the familiar droplets....


Caramel M&Ms are fine for breakfast and don't let anyone tell you different.


I am organizing a Neighborhood March to the convenience store this weekend. Everybody will line up, maintaining a 6' distance, and perform a disorderly march to the convenience store. Once there, they will remain at a 6' distance, and enter the store roughly every 5 minutes, per store policy. Since we're distancing and purchasing food, the police can't cite us. I would have been a great social disruptor in the 60s-70s. My anti-war protests would be legendary. I hear women held rallies, at which they'd burn their bras. I would have to attend at least one of those gatherings. Unlike today, they wouldn't weigh 450lbs and sport green hair.


Q. How many governors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You're under arrest.


The problem with captivity is that we don't get enough SJW news. So aside from the Flying AIDS being a tool of the Patriarchy, we aren't treated with much more ridiculousness. This stuff is so random  and insane that most people simply can't make it up. Since I'm so bored that I'm counting my arm hairs, I'll give it a try (he said, revving up his Righteous Indignation):

• The virus is sexist because women get it too.
• You don't have to have specific genitalia to be trans, but you can get the virus either way, which is an obvious tool of the Patriarchy.
• Trump specifically went to China to let the virus loose himself. Since China has a high female to male ratio,this is obviously a male thing and Trump should be impeached. If Biden were president, he might forget which gender (out of the 432) is which.
• It is discrimination if you don't WAX MY BALLS! I'm trans and you have to.
• Malls are also a tool of the patriarchy: the local ones have 289 female shops and 1 for men. The 1 for men must be shut down or they're encroaching on our space. Also, the law that requires department stores to have male clothes should be eliminated. In the meantime, the men's section is located out back, with 3 square feet of display space, which is mostly hangers and some 90s metrosexual man-dresses.

Ok, that's not ridiculous enough>

• Today's email from a guitar manufacturer had a 40% off sale on this one guitar. I've been waiting for one forever,as it's a copy of a Mike Nesmith Gretsch, so I can get my Monkees on. They make lefties, but they're out of stock and won't come in til maybe late April, if the wood hasn't caught the Flying AIDS first. THIS is the kind of RIGHTtriarchy that the left-handed face on a daily basis. It's discrimination in its most basic form. Am I any less of a human if I write with a different hand? (don't even)
• Gibson and Fender have an additional charge for lefties. DISCRIMINATION! There is no left-right hand spectrum - we're one of either, and shouldn't be charged more. It's Rightism, I tell you.
• When I go shopping, I'm lucky to find a single lefty guitar, and it's probably made in North Korea. It explodes when you try to play it, unless you have a very silly haircut, like Best Leader. Best Leader good flend of Tlump. Best flend.
• Without fail, Idiot Salesman, finding I'm a lefty, says "Well, play in a mirror." Wasn't funny 40 years ago, when the first Idiot Salesman said it. Continues to remain riotously unfunny. You stupid dick.
• Ever see a left-handed piano? NO. A left-handed baseball catcher? NO. A left-handed laptop,with the number pad on the left? NO. The entire f'ing world discriminates against us! I'm calling the UN, for crimes against humanity. Speaking of crimes against humanity, Bill Gates has been in the news lately.....

Captivity - Day 18

Life, or what we're calling it, continues, unabated.
There are always concerns, but we're holding it together nicely.

It's mostly sunny, as opposed to mostly cloudy, as opposed to friggin disgusting.
The clouds are fighting a battle to block the sun but aren't having much luck, like Rob Reiner trying to not eat a case of Twinkies. Like Cher, standing next to an original picture of herself, trying to convince people she's the same person. She originally used to look like an American Indian. Now she looks like.... Sylvester Stallone.



Never made it to walk the dog last night, as I had Exercise Panic and had to sit on the couch all night. But I was ready to face the state police and the National Guard. Our forefathers did not fight and die so we couldn't walk our dogs in a pandemic!  I dare the Big-Ass doctors on tv to tell me how I'll get the Flying AIDS from walking the dog. These people don't know what to recommend from day to day, no less what to do in obvious situations.

DO: walk your dog
DON'T: walk your dog during an indoor church service, with 27 busloads of the faithful in attendance.

DO: stay in the goddamn house
DON'T: go to those crowded shows where men dress as women. Go to the ones where men dress as chipmunks.

DO: kiss your wife
DON'T: kiss anybody else's wife (unless she's living with you too)

DO: go outside
DON'T: go outside

DO: wear a mask at the store
DON'T: go to the store

DO: discover new and exciting fetishes
DON'T: try acting them out without your significant other's permission. Prince fans like purple rain. Only a tiny portion of the populace likes yellow rain.



We watched the replay of the Elton John Home Concert.
What a bunch of fatuous, overpriviliged nimrods. "I'm so proud to be a part of this. We're fighting the virus, man, from our living rooms. And yo, props to the first responders and doctors and nurses." My wife, a much more hip person than I could hope to be, couldn't identify some of the acts, so I didn't feel so bad. And I'm a damn musician!

What did I reaffirm? Camilla Cabello is really cute, but only with the sound off.
I prefer Mariah Carey v1, before the facial surgery, breast implants, and a few stays at the Happy Place<tm>. I love Shakira (who didn't appear in the show), and Sir Elton is a gentleman of the highest order. Also, every star shelters-in-place with a guitar player, conveniently, in case they have to do a living room concert.  Hmmm... I smell a gig - I'll bet Shakira needs a guitar player...

---------------------------------------------------------------

Be good to your family, friends, and neighbors. People are getting laid off. Pharmacy employees cannot work from home (I checked). Help where you can, if you can.

Are Service Elephants Exempt from Coronavirus?

• NASA put forth plans for a Lunar Gateway to help astronauts to get to the moon.
• My memory is faulty at best, but didn't we do this in the 60s without a gateway? 

>4,000 Android apps silently access your installed software

Goog allegedly checks this software before it goes in the Play Store.

I was wondering what they check the software with - Boeing 737 MAXs?

• 'Virus-fighting' scientist gets magnets stuck in nose
• In a world run by infants, hasn't this already been done to death?  

The Good

Elton John hosted a star-studded iHeart Living Room coronavirus benefit concert.

Say what you want about Sir Reginald; the man has a heart as big as Texas. He organized a concert in living rooms, with pals Dave Grohl, Mariah Carey, and others. I swear this is or will soon be a South Park episode.

Kaspersky offers free antivirus to hospitals.

People are helping each other.

In Italy, people are singing out their windows to raise spirits.

In New York City, someone sang out of her window. She was promptly told to "Shut the F- up" by her neighbors. That's the New York we know and love.

• Best line this week: Aunt Ellie had breast cancer so she had her breasts replaced.
• Hey, could you change the oil and replace the breasts, please?

These guys probably weren't the first you thought of when you worried about people losing jobs: the mafia has been hit hard. Gambling, sports, and construction have pretty much ground to a halt. Tony Soprano not available for comment.

• Rabbi is claiming rampaging monkeys launching attacks are a sign of biblical plague. 
• Christians are pissed - "That's our gig!"
• The specific phrase states that 'those who follow God's laws are blessed - while there is a plague promised for those who break them.'
• I'm not a biblical scholar, but how he got from plague to rampaging monkeys is suspicious.

Einstein’s letters illuminate a mind grappling with quantum mechanics.

Einstein was the premier kidder of the 1920s. He wore a disheveled fright wig to make people think he was out of his mind, but the entire time, he was perfectly well-mannered, well-dressed, and pretended to be confused about quantum mechanics, when he actually invented it. He spent the majority of his elder years fighting a court battle to get wormholes (the Einstein Rosen Bridge) referred to as the Einstein Bridge: Rosen only brought coffee to the lab (and diddled Einstein's girlfriends).

My wife loves me so much, I woke up to her covering my face with a pillow to protect me from covid19  [Twitter]

LA City Council met for the first time virtually.

An hour in, they had to pause the meeting because someone was running a pornographic video in the Zoom channel.  I submit that the video was interesting and the City Council meeting was shocking and pornographic.  But seriously folks - avoid Zoom like the coronavirus.

Singapore gay sex ban: Court rejects appeals to overturn law

What's so bad or threatening that laws have to control it? Will people get 'The Gay' from insufficient social distancing? Imagine a government that thinks it can legislate what you can and cannot do in the privacy of your home....

Today I identify as   a pen that refuses to write, even though it has ink

Bogus coronavirus claims lead Google Play to finally give Infowars the boot

In English, this means that Alex Jones was thrown out of the Apple App Store on 2018 and just thrown out of Google, because of 'bogus coronavirus claims.'

I told you so.

I warned that it was Goog's right to deny anyone, but by throwing off largely conservative news, we weren't getting the full story, or even another view. I have no opinion on Jones, other than he's funny when he gets excited. It is the reader who needs to decide what is truth and what isn't. Instead, social media has deplatformed anyone disagreeing with the Party Line. Society needs dissenting voices, even if they're a few cans short of a six pack.

The reason that Trump talks about 'fake news' is that it's true. It was true long before he made it to office. We are spoon-fed crap all day and night, and we don't care to figure any of it out - we just wait to be told what to believe and believe what we're told. At one point, Ben Franklin was a dissenting voice. Unfortunately we have to seek out alternative news. There's no truth ratio, but believe very little of what mainstream media tells you. What if Infowars was correct?

• Dolly Parton says that the Flying AIDS is a lesson from God. 
• Dolly's god is a nasty, petulent god, who is apparently a real sadist.
• I'm no religious student, but lessons can be taught without wiping out large percentages of a planet.
• Implants have been known to burst, sending chemicals into the bloodstream. I'm not saying that's what happened, but...

The Chinese, if you choose to believe their press, have the Flying AIDS epicenter located in a wild animal market. I have a small suggestion, which might help in the future: stop eating BATS and DOGS, Fool.

SJW Slush

Fundamentally, #COVID19 and the inadequate response in our country and around the world are symptoms of patriarchy. The new post-#coronavirus world should be better than this.

Captivity - Day 17

It's Monday- back to work, at the same place you spent your weekend. And the week before that.

Idiot governor strikes again: state police ticket woman for 'going for a drive'.
Vair ah your paperz?
There is absolutely no reason for this. None. Idiot governor is a first class ass, as are the state troopers for enforcing it. This is not a police state (yet), or maybe it is. Protests have been registered.


Say it with me: Dunkin Frozen Hot Chocolate. Go get one.


Lines to get into grocery stores.
I'm working, so Mrs lefty is shopping.
Dog is napping. She practices a lot and seems to have it down.


Speaking of shopping, Costco was as-normal, with 60% masked.
20% naked. Costco pays employees to wipe down carts (their resumes read Cart Wiper). There are buckets with hand wipes. There are troughs with tiger dung. This is a shame, as it was just discovered that tigers can get the Flying AIDS too. I don't know about you, but I'm not sticking a thermometer up there. To add authenticity, there were old people leaving their carts in the middle of aisles and backing over people in the parking lot.

We picked up one of those industrial-size masks for the car, just in case.
Since it was Costco, we also picked up oil filters (limit 2 per customer), new knobs for the stereo, Barbie seat covers, a Jeff Beck air freshener, and a Ron Jeremy shifter knob.



==================================

I read here and there about people having trouble over the lockdowns.
Depression, anxiety, claustrophobia, and whatever else....
There's no question that captivity can cause these symptoms.

[Standard Disclaimer] I am not a doctor, medical professional, or mental health worker.

Were you treated for any of these conditions before? What helped? Can you reach your therapist/doctor and try again? Can you reach someone else in the practice? Therapists are doing audio and video treatment, so you don't have to leave your house., whether you can or not.

• Gotta dog? Take the dog for a walk.
• No dog? Go for a walk.
• Got dirt? Play in it. Do some gardening. You're not likely to pick anything up while playing with plants. I'm told this is a good antidepressant, along with exercise of any variety.
• Read a book: it will take you away.
• You probably have some old projects you wanted to get to but never had the time. Now's the time.
• The internet is FULL of things to do, study, learn, and mindless entertainment. Same with tv. Many colleges and universities have free courses
• try/learn meditation. YouTube has a ton of videos, plus specific frequencies that help out with different issues. YouTube has everything, including how to fix your dryer.
• Research JFK - it's fascinating and there's no shortage of information. UFOs too. Whatever floats your boat. Rent a boat.
• Listen to yourself breathe.

Take care of yourself. This is the most important thing you can do.

Captivity - Day 16

One of the reasons we love dogs is that they're always happy to see us.

Penny is no exception. Even walking into my office from a different room, she's happy to see me. Even popping into bed at 4am and licking my face for a few minutes, she's happy to see me. While the wife is saying "Penny, leave him alone," she's happy to see me. Sometimes when I get up, I don't feel like I've slept. No idea why.

Idiot governor has recommended masks. 

Idiot governor knows you can't buy masks anywhere in the country.

Bored this morning, he urged the faithful not to attend religious services for the upcoming holidays. Well, at least he hasn't passed laws against it. I'd hate to drive by the church on Easter and see police escorting parishioners into buses for quarantine in some old Walmart. Or sealing the entire building in plastic, with everyone inside.

I believe Idiot governor is Jewish. Recommending people stay away from synagogues is a very clever move: have you ever tasted matzoh? The best description is, like Pizza Hut pizza, it's virtually indistinguishable from the box it comes in. Some prefer the box.

One of Trump's High Muckety Mucks said don't go to the grocery store.

Now he tells us.

I'll just call the grocery store and give them a small list of the 400 items we need, with the specific brands. You know this isn't going to make a difference, because the groceries are all touched anyway, so you might as well order a small container of the Flying AIDS. Plus you'll miss walking around the store, seeing everyone looking like operating room staff or banditos.  Then I'll have them deliver everything and charge it to the White House.

It didn't take me long to adjust to the masks in the supermarket, but the banditos were completely foreign. How do they tell the banditos from actual criminals trying to rob the place? "Will this be all, or would you like me to open the safe too?" "Last 2 toilet paper rolls or the contents of my cash drawer?" The other people in line are chanting "Toilet paper. Toilet paper!"

I wore one of those masks a while back, while painting. It was pretty solid. I can't imagine why people think looking like banditos is going to protect them. Even dummies like me know that the holes in cotton weave are huge compared to masks. If you're going to do it, at least wear custom bandito-wear. Maybe black, with a "C" on it. Or "Fever Free" in script. How about "Undiagnosed" to keep people away from you. A t-shirt that says "I'm lucky - I only have AIDS."

If you're looking for something to watch, HBO is offering a bunch of shows and movies free, via their app or their website. There's also a Gilligan's Island marathon on some other channel we don't get. I'd be riveted to that, but I have a self-dentistry marathon today.

It was delightfully sunny when I woke up (before noon, at 11:30), but, true to form, the clouds are winning their war on the sun, darkening the area. The PA state bird is the cloud. When the sun comes out, the airport has to shut down all flights. Mothers drag their children into the house. People use sunscreen if they have to be near windows. Car windows can't be tinted that dark. Stores close. Hmmm..... this weather thing is almost like a virus.

Good Word

A big ThermionicEmissions salute to the people on the front lines. Doctors, nurses, police, fire, ambulance, cashiers, and Dunkin Donuts employees. These people are literally risking their lives for us. Hospitals are understaffed because employees are getting sick. Major points to these people. Maybe we can do something to support them, now or later. Ask around.